Juvenile Injustice

Parent Cafe
1

<p>All you CC sages out there, I think I need a little therapy so as to be able to be a source of wisdom and coping skills advice for my children.</p>

<p>I get hung up on injustice. Really hung up. Big or small, I find it bothers me more than it bothers others, who can much more quickly and easily shrug it off and say “Oh well, that’s life.” Worse, they spout a most irritating axim: “Whoever said life is fair.” Well, life isn’t fair, but is it wrong to wish it were? I don’t think I’m too terrible of a whiner, but I would be the type to try to analyze and solve the problem, thereby preventing the same thing from happening in the future. I wouldn’t say I’m a crusader exactly, but I would definitely address the issue with the appropriate people. In particular, I get riled up over injustices and injuries that adults perpetrate on children. As a mom of school-aged kids, this means I can get upset over the ignorant, unfair, detrimental, or malicious things that school administrators, teachers, and coaches do, whether it affects my own child or not. Regrettably, it has been my experience (please, I’m not generalizing to all school staff, just a number of the ones we’ve personally dealt with) that this group of people lack an understanding of basic and common sense psychology, though some are well-intentioned. Taking on these battles is admittedly emotionally draining to me. I am working on being wise as to which battles are mine to fight and which aren’t. I often wish none were mine to fight, but once I know about a problem I feel responsible to act, if possible. So, that’s the background.
An example of the kind of thing that bothers me: Group of teachers hold student award ceremonies each semester. The qualifications for the award are nebulous and arbitrary. Several students are chosen each time to be honored. Some students are chosen more than once, while others never are selected. When introducing the honorees, the teachers make comments on the lines of “We also taught Sally’s older siblings. They were good, but Sally is great. She sure got the best genes in the family!” or “John has really great parents. They live in my neighborhood and I often see them out walking their dog. It’s a Pekinese, which is my favorite breed too.” </p>

<p>Here’s the question: How do I help my children handle the hurt, disappointment, and/or indignation that comes with injustice? I’m not sure I handle it well myself. And should I encourage or discourage their own crusading tendencies? On one hand, I do believe that all that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. On the other hand, people who oppose a “regime” or buck the status quo often do so at significant personal cost. It’s not a happy road and I’m not sure I want them to model that from me. Even if you’re right, and you do your best to sugar-coat your words and not attack people, most folks really don’t like having their errors or misdeeds brought to their attention and don’t generally harbor fond feelings towards those who cause that discomfort.</p>

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<p>I too had similar experiences in my Ds middle school…same kids, arbitrary awards, etc…what helped was doing stuff outside of that small world- especially service work…that puts all that annoying stuff in perspective</p>

<p>When my D lost a “questionable” election to teacher’s pet, I got proactive…we started a group of students that did volunteer work with the homeless, the hungry, stopping cigarette litter, and it showed the kids that what happened in that school was so trivial (albeit annoying and unfair) when they saw people struggling with big issues and that somehow doing the work for others showed that while they couldn’t fix it all, they could help someone that day, and working with like minded other people, it was the healthiest and most rewarding thing to do, and when they back to those “little” ceromonies, they didn’t feel so slighted…</p>

<p>In the end, the contacts they made through volunteering was so much better than any little award</p>

<p>As for crusading and trying to change the system, well that was frustrating…there were reasons a parent couldn’t make a stink (recommendations for HS, and there was pettiness from staff involved)…anyway, I sent in letters to the school, and didn’t sign them, sure, and I kept a journal of all the inequities - examples, etc, and the day my Ds graduated, those letters flew- it may not have changed anything, but I felt better, and I also told the school we would not be alumni doners…it wasn’t that I wanted stuff for my kids, no, but I did want stuff for the diserving kids who were ignored for the “chosen few”</p>

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<p>The other thing we did was enter other contests, thing the school staff had no control over- art, essay, whatever they were interested in</p>

<p>My D won a contest for painting the state fish!!! A national art contest…as well her art was in the state coastal phamplets</p>

<p>My oldest was on a youth councel for our city after losing that fatefull election</p>

<p>When they saw that they had talents that others recognized, not getting picked for the school stuff wasn’t so harsh</p>

<p>We had one boy who was an amazing actor, but was he ever picked,nope, i was always the teachers’s pets…now he stars in HS musicals…</p>

<p>Doing well is the best revenge</p>

<p>And helping others is a good way to channel that anger and frustration, cause believe me, I have been there</p>

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<p>TheGFG~</p>

<p>Honey, if you figure THIS ONE out, please pass along the answer to me. <em>sigh</em> Like you, I BRISTLE at injustice. I absolutely ABHOR it. And yes, it seems to bother me more than it bothers many others. </p>

<p>I am in the process of fighting our local yearbook issue for several reasons that I consider to be completely valid, the major one of which is the EGREGIOUS slap in the face to the kids who have been actively involved in positive, school-sanctioned activities by the featuring of…<em>ahem</em>, those with “alternative lifestyles” TO THE EXCLUSION of the others. For example, included in the *<em>ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE</em> section of our yearbook were the pregnant teens and teen mothers (none of whom were anything remotely resembling academically excellent), caffeine addiction, and tacit approval of “cheating from nerdy kids.” There was not ONE academic award mentioned in the entire yearbook, but I digress…</p>

<p>I have fought a good number of injustices that I have seen. Others I have simply let slide. I try to teach my kids that these things ARE a part of life, but like you, I struggle with the “life ain’t fair” sentiment because, also like you, I feel that if you sit and do nothing you are in essence condoning the wrongdoing.</p>

<p>I am learning to pick my battles, but it has been a slow road.</p>

<p>Ironically, my kids are often better at handling things than <em>I</em> am. And I have learned much from them. Case in point: One day, several years ago, my oldest son (then about 17) went with his gf to the local ice cream shop. It was about 4:00 p.m, so broad daylight. They had no money, so they decided to look on the floor of the car for some change ('cause our car is always a mess of all kinds of things, including lots of quarters! <em>lol</em>). Now, get THIS…from INSIDE the shop, some random customer looked out and saw their heads go below the rear window of the car and determined that they MUST be having oral sex in the car. (???) They told the manager, who CALLED THE POLICE!!! (Remember, this is all in broad daylight.)</p>

<p>So, a few minutes later, THREE police cars RUSH up and surround my son’s car, and they FLY out of them and begin BANGING on the rear window furiously and repeatedly, screaming “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!” I guess they were literally trying to catch them with their pants down.</p>

<p>Completely startled, my S and his then-gf immediately exit the car and to the SEVERE disappointment of the policemen, they were fully clothed with NO dishevelment whatsoever (but a few coins in their hands <em>lol</em>). </p>

<p>So, do the police say, “Oops, MY bad…” Nope. They proceed to question these two for THIRTY minutes, asking all kinds of personal questions of my son such as “Where do you go to church?” and “What religion are you?”</p>

<p>Finally, when there was nothing left to say, they let them go.</p>

<p>I was BEYOND FURIOUS. I called the police and told them what I thought of the behavior of the officers, and then my dh and I went to the ice cream place and spoke to the manager. I told her that she had a filthy mind and had NO right to call the police on my son, so what did she do? She turned around and called the police on US. She brought us up on charges of disorderly conduct for speaking to her in the store, but the case was eventually dismissed. </p>

<p>The point was that my SON handled the unfair and degrading treatment by the police (and the manager) FAR, FAR better than <em>I</em> did. And he ended up with no consequences. My dh and I, on the other hand, were brought up on false charges, and we ended up shelling out money to an attorney, even though the case was dismissed because that CRAZY, UNFIT manager was fired anyway (turns out she was a serious problem), and no one showed up in the kangaroo court for this rather bizarre “case.”</p>

<p>If I had just kept my mouth closed and not said ANYTHING, I could have minimized the damage from this hideously unfair event. And this is only ONE of the events we’ve experienced <em>sigh</em>.</p>

<p>

Absolutely TRUE. In fact, we are experiencing this NOW with the yearbook issue. Most of my kids take after me and WILL stand up for what is right, but I do have one kid who is more sensitive to the criticism from adults and peers, and this has been a bit difficult on her. Nevertheless, she fully understands my right to fight the injustice and my reasons for doing so, and she supports my endeavor.</p>

<p>Interestingly, as one of the originators of our yearbook petition, I have talked to many, many people, and I have been stunned by the sheer number of people who have confided in me that they back me a million percent, but are simply afraid to sign because of the harassment or because they work for the school district, etc. But they have ALL expressed admiration for my having the moxie to “say what NEEDS to be said, but what NO ONE else will.”</p>

<p>Conclusion: It is always easier to sit idly by and let horribly unjust stuff take place. Fighting it has its hazards, and it is sometimes not worth it.</p>

<p>Nevertheless, I <em>WILL</em> continue to fight the most blatantly unjust situations that I see, and I will encourge my kids to stand up for what they believe as well. I will, though, encourage them to pick their battles carefully and let them know that no matter how earnest their efforts, injustice cannot be eradicated completely.</p>

<p>About the school injustices…we’ve seen plenty, and I feel about them just as you do. </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>A few thoughts:</p>

<p>Zeus once referred to me as “The most forgotten person he knows.” Meaning, I get forgotten for every award; even objective things (high honour roll if you get straight As) and they will forget my name. Sometimes, I have run into things where criteria were more subjective and, by objective standards, I still got a raw deal. What helped me to deal with that was the humour and eternal kindness of my family. They would roll their eyes and point out that it always happens to me, and me alone - and if it weren’t for perpetual bad luck, I would have no luck at all. They also NEVER made their support nor their congratulations contingent upon winning certain awards or getting certain honours. It really helped when things went wrong (yet another time, completely forgotten!) and my parents would just give me a huge hug and tell me how proud they are of my accomplishments. They would also joke around that I’ll get it all back someday, that it will all balance out when I get a Nobel prize. </p>

<p>If you are lucky, life is fair and just. That is the standard we should strive for; failings in that area don’t mean that we should sit idly by. It’s rather negative and defeatist to say, “Life isn’t fair.” Life is not always just, but it is fair in that injustice is often handed out without bias. </p>

<p>That all said, there are constructive and not-so-constructive ways to deal with things. With high school, I tend to think that the best way is to keep letting your kids know that there is a world beyond high school and their hometown. Say something like, “Oh, Sally, you should really get the science award next year; let’s get you a Pekinese. I hate their yapping, but maybe we can get one with permanent largyngitis.” </p>

<p>Beyond that, I don’t see the issue as one of crusading v. letting sleeping dogs lie. Deal with issues constructively. If favourtism starts to interfere with your child’s life, there is nothing wrong with becoming a bulldog. My dad did that when I was in middle school and was being harassed by a girl - the administration kept taking her side, even though she didn’t have a side (her issue amounted to “Aries & Co won’t hang out with me after school,”) and pulling us out of class, giving us disciplinary records even though we hadn’t, by their own admission, come remotely close to breaking any school rule. Zeus went to the superintendent and said that if it didn’t stop, he would sue. He didn’t let that get in the way of being supportive of me, though - it wasn’t fighting generalized injustice like the Incredibles, it was fighting a specific incident in a way that would get it to stop.</p>

<p>I’ve personally never cared what people think of me, but there are always ways to go about things that help to get people on your side. Taking the awards as an example: you could suggest to someone in charge, who is NOT the teacher in question, that the awards ceremony should be changed. Get a few other parents who feel as if their kids were slighted. Point out that the combination of 1) the little speeches that smack of favouritism and 2) the fact that talented students are ignored makes a lot of people devalue the awards. (Don’t say, “That’s not fair!” Say that it devalues the awards that are given out to deserving kids and that teenagers have excellent b.s. detectors and know when something is done for non-meritocratic reasons.) </p>

<p>Suggest that the teachers discuss, as a group, which students will get which awards, review each other’s speeches, and ensure that outstanding students are not passed over. At my high school’s graduation, some 30ish awards are given out, mostly scholastic. I think that it’s virtually a requirement that the top 5% of the class all get at least one award. That way, a kid isn’t top 2% but passed over. There’s also enough left over so that deserving kids who excel in only one area also get recognized. (I got the LAST award. My poor father was watching the whole thing, hearing all my classmates’ names get called, and thinking, “How do I tell my kid that she’s a superstar but everyone forgets her?” He did not so much cheer as breathe a sigh of relief when I got some scholar-athlete-citizenship award at the very end.)</p>

<p>As for setting an example for your kids - encourage constructive expressions of their natural tendencies. A kid who is hurt (understandably) should be taught that earning something does not always mean that one gets something. If they see an injustice, encourage them in constructive, people-friendly ways to change it, i.e. teach them to steer the boat instead of rocking it. Laugh and joke around, even if you aren’t feeling it yourself; it will help them. </p>

<p>When your kids can poke fun at the injustice, it will help them adjust AND help them to point out the injustice in a way that helps them to not come off as bitter, opens people’s eyes to the injustice, and helps them to not take it personally.</p>

<p>My two cents.</p>

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<p>PS. Berurah and CityGirls’Mom have some excellent suggestions for fighting injustice and getting outside of the bubble of high school. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Berurah’s story reminds me of a few run-ins with the police -pulled over for looking young and harassed about where I’m going, why I’m doing it, etc etc. I knew that it was COMPLETELY within the cop’s discretion to make my life hell and make me fight bad charges, so I let it slide. I do wish I had said something later, though. There is something to be said for getting out of the bad situation, then raising a stink and a half.</p>

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<p>I have reached this conclusion-brush it off, get a thicker a skin for yourself and your children, and have them recognized in other forums. I saw to it that my older one was recognized in various forums (where he earned recognition), and he taught me to get a thicker skin! He has moved on from the injustices, and he is happy with himself. I still tend to harbor them. My son does not seem to require much recognition from the outside world. Fortunately, he is happy with himself! My younger one tends to win more of the popularity contests, but I also see to it that he is recognized outside of school. Younger son is just more of a charmer. </p>

<p>citygirlsmom-I just read your post. This is exactly what we did. We sought outside sources (rather than through the school) for recognition. Our older son got that recognition, which was well deserved, and it felt wonderful! It also helped make for good college admission essay material.</p>

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<p>Caring about and crusading against injustice (the big things) is one issue.</p>

<p>Handling disappointment at the inequities and injustice of the small things (middle school and high school awards) is another. </p>

<p>There was a good thread on the nonsense of these “award-a-thons” last year which I will try to find and link. So many of us have been there in this particular arena.</p>

<p>How to help your child through it:[ul][<em>]Show through your words and actions that it is not important to you. This cannot include consoling them for not being chosen as that signals that it *is</em> important to you. Hold to this rule even if it is important to you ;).[<em>]Keep them focused on the bigger picture: doing what you love because you love it; doing well because doing your best always feels good.[</em>]Appreciate them, with your words and actions, when they excel at what you value (which often has nothing to do with things that win awards). When your child shows resilience in handling a major bump in the road, never once complaining or whining, tell them you noticed. When your child sticks with something that is difficult, tell them you notice. When your child is kind or generous, tell them you notice.[li]If they hurt, let them work through it their own way. They will be stronger for it. It likely hurts them less than it hurts us for them.[/ul][/li]These are the things which will make a happy person. Not who got the teacher award in 7th-12th grade.</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=69106&highlight=[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=69106&highlight=&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>My own son has taught me a good deal about dealing with unfairness, and maybe his attitude is just better than mine, since I like life to be more equitable. </p>

<p>But there have been situations, where I felt like he deserved the recognition more than someone else, and he was always able to justify it, as “someone else’s turn”, or “he deserved it”, even when I think there might have been some envy beneath those words. But he never dwelled on it, or let it get to him. It got to me much more than to him.</p>

<p>It’s actually an awesome quality, and it doesn’t detract from the individual at all. It is actually really, really important to learn to deal with unfairness and disappointment, since this is a reality of life…much as it bums us out as parents (and I know exactly how you feel).</p>

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<p>I know that some of my thoughts (such as not consoling the “non-winners”) conflicts with some valuable advice by aries and others. I don’t disagree with them at all. This is just what has worked for me and might work for others. I didn’t like that whole award scene and so I paid as little attention to it as possible. S finally did get the Physics award as a senior and quite a bit of recognition for being “him” at graduation ceremony. I loved it. But I still didn’t make a deal of it. If you want to signal that they don’t matter, then you’ve got to stay the course.</p>

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<p>

This is EXCELLENT advice.</p>

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<p>JMMom, I don’t think our advice conflicts! It was only in some really egregious circumstances that I got consolation - otherwise, it was a laugh, a “We are proud of your accomplishments and hard work no matter what the awards say,” etc. Focus is off the award (whether valid or not) and onto what I was doing.</p>