Just had a conversation with S. A buddy of his (thankfully not a close buddy that he hangs around with) had a verbal offer of a scholarship from a top 20 program pulled when they did some research and realized that he was arrested for minor in possession a year or 2 ago. He explained that it was a stupid mistake and that he had changed (I don’t think he has, but that’s irrelevant). They didn’t care, they told him he no longer had a scholarship offer or a place on the team at all. The buddy did still get an offer from somewhere, but a much lower caliber school. I don’t know what the current scholarship situation is, just where he is going.
I feel badly for the kid, but I am happy that my S is aware of the gravity of the situation. He doesn’t have any offers anywhere yet (only a rising junior), but now he’s paranoid one of his knucklehead buddies will hop in his car with weed or a flask in his pocket and get them both in trouble. I don’t want him to live in fear, but I do want him to know that one tiny mistake at this point in his life can have massive reprecussions.
Good point.
A young woman I know shoplifted while in college under pressure from friends. Each time she applied for a job since graduating, she experienced so much stress worrying if she would be found out. Thankfully, it will be dropped from her record eventually but one stupid moment has caused her years of grief.
I think it might help my kids to see the consequences of other people’s poor choices. But I also wish these things didn’t happen in the first place.
@dadof4kids
I’ve heard many stories like the one you stated and I’m torn. On one hand we want kids to learn from the natural consequence of their actions but if they do and are honest about it they many find later they have an even greater loss. Terrible position to be in…
Was listening to NPR and they were interviewing a child psychologist who deals with this very issue. She explained that in many ways teenagers are hard wired to be risk takers and that learning from those risks is what helps them readjust and “correct”. She argued that in our new world of social media these “mis steps” are then amplified and carry greater risk. What would have gotten you or I grounded 25 years ago results today in a rescinding of college acceptance.
In the end we raise the the best we can and hope those infractions are minor missteps. Fingers crossed or as my mom would say, “there before the grace of god go I”.
I think that it has a mixed effect. On the one hand, all my kids are more paranoid than I ever was at their respective ages. They know that if they do something wrong, someone probably will take a picture of it. So in that sense they act more responsible than I did. The flip side is that I am more willing to bail them out than my parents were, because the reprecussions of a bad act are sometimes so severe and out of proportion to the crime. And my kids know this.
So they learn to watch their backs earlier, but I think they actually truly take responsibility for their actions later. Overall I think that’s a bad thing for society. At the same time if my kid gets arrested for minor in possession or something similar I will probably spend a fair amount fighting it. Because I think a fine and community service is a fair punishment, but trading Princeton for community college is not. So I guess I’m part of the problem, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my kids future to make a point.
I was a good kid, but if everything I did wrong was videoed I probably be in jail or at best be a ditch digger. I’m sure many of you are the same way.
I spent several days deep sea fishing with my old college roommates and our college age sons this winter. It was a great time, and I mentioned to my son that I wished we had more pictures of our college days then the relative handful that surfaced during this event. His respone was “No, you really don’t.”