<p>Dear New People Who Work At Kerckhoff In The Mornings-</p>
<p>Hi, it’s me. I know you just got hired and trained and you’ll only be around for the summer and all that jazz, but seriously, stop sucking. I know, being new is rough. I sympathize. I worked at Starbucks for a year, which is way more hardcore than the silly student coffee shop, so really, I know how it is. But you don’t have to work at 4 AM like I did, and your menu is way smaller, and your clientele are generally much cooler and much less ornery. So I guess I really don’t feel all that bad for you. Sorry. </p>
<p>So guess what. Soft drinks do, in fact, come in three sizes. I know, it’s crazy! But they do. If you don’t believe me, consult the menu board that is HANGING BEHIND YOUR HEAD. It’s there, I promise. I’ve consumed entirely too much Diet Coke this year, most of which was purchased in large-sized cups from your store. I don’t know who trained you, or why they left this seriously important information out, but they suck and I don’t like them either. I swear to God, if one more new person snottily tells me that “sorry, Diet Coke only comes in one size”, I will choke a bi tch. K, not really, but I’ll be sad. I really don’t want to be one of those customers who argues with the counter person about their order because I HATE that person. But I want my drink and I want lots of it, and I really hate that you don’t understand that It. Is. Possible. I’ve been super nice and sweet and have let it go the 3 times in 6 visits that you’ve all screwed up, but I cannot be patient for much longer. </p>
<p>And really, if you absolutely INSIST that you are so right and Diet Coke only comes in one stupid size, I suggest that you SUPPLY LIDS THAT FIT THE STUPID SIZE YOU ARE PUSHING ON ME. I work in a real office now and it sucks coming to work bathed in artificially sweetened soda because A- you were wrong, and B- you forced upon me a cup that has no mateable lid. </p>
<p>I only keep coming back for the chocolate muffins. If it weren’t for those, you’d be totally cut. </p>
<p>Love, </p>
<p>Me</p>
<p>//Sorry for complaining kids, but this was bugging me this morning and really, I did come to work drenched (ok, maybe not drenched) in soda and that was really not so super professional. It would’ve been written earlier, but I actually DO MY JOB CORRECTLY and felt it wouldn’t be prudent to stop all of my important Googling to complain about the Coffee People. So I’m doing it now.</p>