<p>I hate that I am so sad and lonely right now. We had a glorious (almost) 4 weeks together and I love that my d is perfectly happy at her school. But I won’t see her for three months and right now that feels like I am falling off of a cliff. She is my youngest and, though I do have a job (part-time and you can guess what it is by my screen name, I suppose), I feel my most important responsiblities in life are now complete and I just feel so utterly used up. I guess that is it. This also comes at a time when I just recently lost someone very close to me, so the person I would normally call to talk things through is no longer around…</p>
<p>Any other parents out there feeling the same things? I sure hope so, because today I feel like the proverbial “basket case”.</p>
<p>So sorry about your loss. It may just take time to feel really good again. I know I was a bit depressed several years ago after my brother died, and didn’t even realize it until it was over!
Your most important responsibilities are complete, true, but - now it’s time to do something for yourself.
This idea is kind of hard for those of us used to putting out personal needs on the back burner, especially if that’s what gives us the most joy. Your part-time job sounds like it’s important, but maybe doesn’t take up as much emotional energy or give you as much satisfaction as you need in order to feel you’re making a positive difference in the world. Some suggestions that have worked for me:
Try going back to school. Not college necessarily, but adult school to learn something new and fun that you may have always wanted to do but didn’t have the time for when your kids were home.
Try getting into shape! Join a gym or health club.
Find a home improvement project like re-doing a room or adding a deck, etc.
Meet a good friend for lunch once a week, every week.
Make travel plans with your partner. Even if the money is tight, there are many places you can visit on a limited budget. (moterhome, anyone?)
Make the effort to help a neighbor or friend who needs extra care by shopping for them or helping with bills - anything that they can’t do to well alone.
Plan a fun outing for when your daughter comes home for spring break - like tickets to a concert or a weekend camping or hiking - whatever type of activity your family enjoys.
Organize your family photos into albums if you haven’t already - make one for each kid.</p>
<p>I’m sounding like a self-help magazine arcticle, and i really am in no position since I still have one kid at home. I’ve already started planning for his departure, though, as I know the hole he leaves will be deep.</p>
<p>Good luck - keep reading and posting. Maybe you can give some helpful advice to other kids looking for help in the app process!</p>
<p>Please accept my condolences over your loss.</p>
<p>I am not in your shoes yet, though I do have a freshman in college. But I can tell you that I’ve found a tremendous source of additional meaning and purpose by tutoring at a youth homeless shelter. It is a cliche but in my experience still true: when you volunteer you find out that you are not at all “used up”. In fact, the more significant the effort you put into volunteering, the more you’ll learn once again how valuable you really are.</p>
<p>I wasn’t even going to click on this post, since baby girl is at winter training and then back to school from there, big sis is off with her horses doing some crazy scienctific research hoping she doesn’t get kicked while struggling through her last semester before vet school and
DS gone and busy and other son getting ready to leave.</p>
<p>I am not going to cry.</p>
<p>I think I will do some early Christmas shopping for my niece and nephew, they are 6 and 7. I’ll just add it to the ever growing wall of toys!</p>
<p>Kat, thinking she might find some more kittens</p>
<p>churchmusicmom:
It IS sad! I am dreading my son leaving on Sunday - especially because he’s trying to make other plans for March break. I want him home! </p>
<p>It’s hard but I guess we have to try to shift to an attitude that it is “our” time now. I interviewed for a full time job today (hate to leave my dogs though!). Also, I’m trying to get out and attend more things in the community than I used to. I went to an absolutely fascinating talk last night by the Mayor of Charleston, SC about urban design and redevelopment. I loved it! (I couldn’t even get anybody to go with me.)</p>
<p>I still have one home though, but I just can’t even imagine how it will feel with him gone next year.</p>
<p>Anyone, you’re not alone. Good luck! Try to get outside. That might help.</p>
<p>A friend who was unable to have children volunteers once or twice a week at the local hospital holding/rocking/snuggling premature and drug addicted babies. She loves it. As soon as the last one has flown the coop I plan to join her.</p>
<p>i can so identify with you! i have several months yet, but my youngest will be going to college in august–1100 miles away! </p>
<p>i am trying to find things now so that my time alone won’t be a total shock. i am working out at the gym more, and hoping to find a good yoga class–or maybe water aerobics! i am trying to read more, and i am hoping to get interested again in some sort of needlework.</p>
<p>on the other hand, i get so blue sometimes! i feel pretty useless, too. i have spent 21 years taking care of two boys, and now, well, no one needs much of anything! i miss that feeling of being needed! i felt important when i had to take care of so much, and i understand exactly what you must be feeling.</p>
<p>join me in finding something new–whatever it might be–we have worked hard, and now we deserve some time to explore whatever it might be we want to explore! (i keep repeating this to myself–i’ll let you know when i’m totally convinced!)</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re feeling so low! I felt a bit blue when first-born DD went off to college last year. I joined the YMCA, lost 8 pounds, walked more with friends, and enjoyed the chance to get to know my younger child better, but I still mourned the passing of an era. [ I think what made it easier on me is that I have a fulltime job teaching extremely needy lower-income elementary students. I’m so “touched out” when I get home, I’m actually glad that I don’t need to talk or interact with anyone.] I think it’s important to realize that what you are feeling is perfectly normal, and that it is true that you are entering another phase of life. Sending a kid to college really makes you realize that you are not, and will never be again, a young adult on the cutting edge of life. I hope you find time to explore the change, and mourn it - then eventually find other things to make you happy. :)</p>
<p>Hi Churchmusic.I know how you feel. Isn’t it funny to come to this site and find folks so similar? I’m in the same boat. A time comes we must start to think about ourselves.Buy a book, plan a weekend take a course or just take a bubble bath! I guess we can admire our work though!If our little ones made it this far we are truly blessed.</p>
<p>churchmusicmom: hello–I can truly sympathize with you over your D returning to college. I have one D in college 1,000 miles away and it is hard to have her return there over and over again (for her and for me), especially after having her “back in the fold” again. If you have just lost someone close to you and you are also dealing with some sadness over your D, then that is two loss issues, so you might consider some counseling sessions for yourself to help you through this period. It’s hard to face difficult things like this in the winter, I find (though maybe the sun is still shining in Atlanta). Perhaps you could talk to your pastor or someone else at your church?</p>
<p>I know what I’d do. Why does it have to be 3 months? How far away is she?</p>
<p>Split the time in half; if she has no objections I’d make arrangements to go visit her in about 6 weeks. Who says it has to be Parents Weekend? If it’s a flight you have enough time to book a good deal. And if you work hopefully you can arrange time away.</p>
<p>I did that frequently with my kids, rarely went more than about 6 weeks. I took off Friday and made a 3 day weekend out of it…brought along homemade food, took them out to dinner and shopping, just didn’t interfere with their regular agendas. If they couldn’t come home I went to them. It would give you something to look forward to. And road trips are fun.</p>
<p>Thanks to all you wonderful people for your kind thoughts…it really helps to have the sympathetic “ears” and very helpful suggestions. It also helps to have the shoulder of a wonderful caring husband home who “gets” what I am feeling as well.
“Bookiemom”, your suggestion of talking to someone at my church may be one I take up…we will see. I will be attending a new study in my neighborhood starting tomorrow and then hope to lead a new one at my church a little later.
To all those who suggested taking courses, etc, I do plan to do some of that and have done…wish I had started sooner, but was so wrapped up in helping dd get off to school, etc last year and I really don’t regret any of that time. This day was just one of the hard ones, I guess. My older two did not attend colleges so far from home (and I obviously had another child at home), so this is a “first” for me. </p>
<p>One more tongue-in-cheek observation: any one else think it mean of good-ole mother nature to “zap” us gals with the hormonal “crazies” right when we have to deal with this sort of emotional upheaval in our lives??? What kind of crazy system is that, any way???</p>
<p>Thanks for that suggestion, but as my screen name might suggest, frequent weekends “off” are a problem for me! Seriously, I do plan to go and see her at some point, and may even go up during the week on my own! We will see…thanks for the suggestion again!</p>
<p>Churchmusicmom…I anticipate that adjusting to the loss of my sons will take a few years in terms of regrouping because I ran a fairly child centered home for a while. In some ways it is not real to me yet since I still have a child at home, and my freshman S has only been gone a semester…(gee, CAMP sure was longer than usual…). Seriously, it is Ok to be at loose ends now, give yourself time…such disarray leads to taking action…just like some of the constructive ideas already offered above. Life for our kids will also be about spells of balance followed by marked disequilibrium. Personally, my “moving on” will also be motivated by wanting a long term fulfilling relationship with emancipated sons and I am vain enough to realize that “needy” and “not progressing/stuck” is unattractive to 20 somethings. College age kids still want to respect us, so I will wobble into a new phase of life, although leaving centering on parenting my own is a loss to me as well. One thing that motivates me also is recalling that I still needed my parents in my 20s and 30s although they were not necessarily available in the new ways that would have been ideal. I want to be an adult that is ready for their adult selves. Change is required and we will all get through it in our own peculiar ways. Change is hard but it is good to be able to model accepting and adapting so our kids will seek us out in new eras. The hormone thing. Is no consolation and something of an outrageous transition to make at the same time as the empty nest adjustment! I do find myself recalling that I joyously moved on to life without my parents in college, and failed to appreciate the feelings that my absence created or the passages they were crossing.</p>
<p>No ideas, just sympathy. H just left to drive S2 to airport after 3 weeks here. I miss him already. He will be back in 4 months. Too many changes, too fast. Oldest is newly on his own. We move back to US this summer. I am aware that what I move home to is not what I left 3 years ago. I am trying to stay busy – that’s not hard; so much to do. What is hard is staying motivated and fending off depression. (And I still have D at home).</p>
<p>I would also encourage you to volunteer. I think that when you find another avenue where you feel needed and appreciated, you will start to feel better.</p>
<p>It is true that there is a big gap in your life - but it can be filled.</p>