<p>I think the reporter cast the two older children in a very bad light. I also think that if the family had understood that that could happen, they never would have allowed themselves to become front-page news in the New York Times. Reading between the lines, I think that the parents may not have been totally upfront with the younger generation about the financial circumstances that impelled the move. </p>
<p>I read the entire article in the paper. The closing on the house that the family sold occurred two weeks before the girl’s high-school graduation. Around here, high-school graduation parties are the biggest social event for most people, until their weddings–don’t know how that pattern developed, don’t know if it applies to that family. But I observe that the girl was moving from an absolute dream house for a graduation party into a home 40% of the size, without the “attractions” such as a pool and a second family room, two weeks before her graduation. The couple that bought the house was not flexible about the closing date. (Maybe they were hosting a graduation party of their own?) I do feel sorry for the girl in this circumstance, actually. </p>
<p>As for the college student vs. the 12-year-old on the couch, I could see some reason to have a 12-year-old who gets up at 7 am on the couch, rather than a 19-year-old who gets up at noon–or later, as a lot of students that age would do, if their work schedules permit it. </p>
<p>I’ll admit, I did find the remarks by the two older kids very off-putting–the story was written to elicit that reaction, and to sell newspapers. (Hey, Mr. Editor of the New York Times: I really, really like your paper and I’ll continue to buy it without this sort of front-page article. In fact, I’d prefer it.) But I’m not about to throw rocks at anybody, except maybe the reporter and the editor, who should have known better.</p>
<p>No one had to sleep on the couch. It was the 19 year old who whined about having to share a room with his brother and the 12 year old offered to sleep on the couch to make his brother happy. The older kids are spoiled brats. </p>
<p>No sympathy from me (except for the 12 year old who has to deal with his self-centered older siblings).</p>
<p>I’m slightly sympathetic to the kids, but the extent of the pity party was a little much. My only hope is that the parents weren’t as up-front as they could have been about the financial situation and so the kids don’t understand the extent of the worries. If the parents were forthcoming about their financial concerns, then the kids certainly are old enough to understand and suck it up.</p>
<p>Interesting concept that the sense of home is tied to a house. I always thought the sense of home is tied to family - the people. Wherever my loved ones are, that where home is.</p>
<p>Maybe a partial source of the older kid’s upset is the fact that they realize that maintaining their childhood lifestyle in adulthood will be unlikely. They probably won’t be able to provide such a nice home for their own kids. One compensation: they could always visit the folks back home, the pool, etc.</p>
<p>I’ve never envied people who had a lot as kids and had to radically retrench in adulthood - it must be hard. A good friend’s mom did this and handled her reduced circumstances with such grace and optimism that I’ll always admire her.</p>
<p>The lie that the kids feel they were told, or were permitted to assume, that their current lifestyle was sustainable. I have a feeling that this next generation will feel this en masse, as we Americans have tanked this economy for some time.</p>
<p>I agree with munchkin. I also think it’s silly, selfish, and narcissistic that apparently some young people assume that their homes will remain frozen in time. Parents move on with their lives after their kids leave home just like the kids move on with their own lives.</p>
<p>munchkin, I think that’s only partly true, but maybe my POV isn’t as romantic or gracious. I think there is a tie to “home” that also means that “home” is where your friends are, where your activities have been, and where your memories are. Coming home on vacation and driving past your old HS or elementary school or your best friend’s house or where you used to go bike riding are all part of feeling grounded. Having dealt with this myself, I completely understand the feeling of loss and displacement that can occur. It doesn’t mean you’re an ungrateful b@st@rd.</p>
<p>I can understand and sympathize with the sense of dislocation you described. It happened to me as I was moved around a lot in my childhood. I understand feelings of dislocation and sadness, but I detect resentment from the elder children not sadness. The resentment suggested a sense of entitlement - that they had a right to expect the parents maintain the same life style for them. The older girl got a job “to get away” not to help pay for tuition or other expenses. None of the older kids thought of what they could do to help out but what they were deprived of. </p>
<p>I think that’s what most posters were responding to.</p>
<p>My parents sold our family home–my H said that “They sold Howard’s End.”-- and moved to an upscale retirement community in another region of the country shortly before my child was born. They had been on the scene for my older sibling’s children.</p>
<p>Eventually they moved back, but by then we had left. Almost every time I have wanted to come down and visit, they have said that it isn’t convenient. I believe that they have actually allowed my family to visit once in the last 10 years. My sibling, who has a lot more money and has never had a job outside the home and who therefore can travel more or less at will, visits them for several weeks each year. She apparently is not routinely told that it is inconvenient. They now see several of my sibling’s adult children who have moved to their area and their children on a weekly basis. They have not seen my son in about 2 years. They didn’t come to his HS graduation. Yet if one were to suggest that I am treated like a second class citizen and not like other family members, they would be surprised.</p>
<p>A few days ago, after having left several messages over a couple of weeks that, as usual, went unanswered, I finally got my father on the phone. I said that I was hoping to come down for a week with my son. He responded, “Why do you want to stay for a week?” (Recall that my sibling comes every year for several weeks, often more than once.) He then said that they were planning to go away mid week. I said fine, then we could spend three days with you until you leave and stay on and see some other relatives and friends after you go. He responded that my mother didn’t like “People treating their house like a hotel.” Because of various circumstances, it is highly unlikely that my S and I could see them until March. My F has cancer. </p>
<p>I have no doubt that if these events were related in a NYT article, I would be made out to be a selfish whiner.</p>
<p>consolation, I think these are two totally different things. Your situation seems to have nothing to do with the house/finances and everything to do with family dynamics. I’m sorry that your parents seem so cold to you and yours.</p>
<p>H’s parents downsized to about 1,000 square feet after they retired, and our kids still had a nice time with them. We weren’t going there expecting luxury. We were going there to see relatives.</p>
<p>;)
I have been living in a house that is less than 1000 sq ft for the last twenty six years ( with two kids and a dog & two cats) & no it isn’t one of these ultramodern homes that was designed for efficient living either - I wish.
But still I know at least one of my kids is disappointed that I like living in this size home, cause I want an excuse not to have company.
She would love to be able to have her friends over more & I feel badly that it makes me so stressed but I do look for other ways she can entertain them.</p>
<p>I do know a couple who sold their home when the kids went off to college and downsized into a penthouse- bigger view, smaller footprint & their kids were disappointed but I think the parents had been wanting to do it for a while.
The upside is, one of their sons is a furniture designer and it gave them an opportunity to get new stuff!</p>
<p>Consolation, I’m not seeing the connection between your family story and these families. If the article were about families where one sibling is welcome and one is not or if it were about adult children who want to see a sick parent but are not welcome, then I could see the connection.</p>
<p>I’m terribly sorry about what you are going through. There is a world of difference between whining about having to share a bedroom and your story. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>They can be. </p>
<p>But they are also all something that a large minority, if not a small majority at this point in time, of Americans simply do not have not. Neither my spouse nor my parents live in the same state we graduated from high school in and they left shortly after our graduations. </p>
<p>I’m hard pressed to think of more than a few of my friends who have the experience you are describing. Between parents having to move for their jobs, the downsizing that goes with retirement or layoffs and adult children moving for their jobs, that experience is simply not as common as it once was.</p>
<p>My sympathy to the kids. Moving from your childhood home can be heart-wrenching.</p>
<p>I was blessed with wealthy parents and a large home. In ninth grade, I attended a boarding school. During the fall my parents sold the house and disposed my belongings as well as giving the family dog away because of a job change. I got a call two weeks before winter break that we had moved to an apartment in Paris.</p>
<p>My parents rented a gorgeous apartment and my mom had decorated my new room and purchased me new clothes. But I spent that winter break in tears, totally lost without my familiar stuffed animals, my dog and my favorite belongings. I was so upset I could not keep food down. Naturally my parents were angry and my father called me a spolled brat many times that holiday. (just like you CCers are doing now!) If there had been a Times reporter there, I am sure he would have heard a few choice words from me!</p>
<p>My husband came from a low-income rural community and grew up with six siblings in a house that probably wasn’t 2000 square feet. While my husband and I were in grad school,
his parents moved out of their home to a place closer to town. For weeks, my husband was furious at his parents. (Of course, he never told them) In fact, my husband was completely baffled by how upset he was. All I could do was hold his hand and say, “I get it.”</p>
<p>I feel for the girl who had to move weeks before graduation. </p>
<p>As to the older boy, I have to wonder what impact being in a “blended” family (I dislike that phrase, but mom living with stepdad) has. I assume the kid’s dad is still alive, why isnt he taking the son part of the time? Did mom get house in divorce, and can’t manage? A lot of issues we’ll never know.</p>
<p>They don’t go into the details of the decision making in the article. I feel for the girl moving at the end of senior year. I think such transitions can be very difficult. Depending on the part of the country, pugmekate, many people do stay put for years. Living in the midwest, people really stick around, age in the neighborhood. Growing up in California and AZ, people were far more transitory. Aside from the parents, there is a mix of physical place and friends that make a particular area or house feel like home. </p>
<p>My kid’s dad moved to the west coast a few months after they graduated HS. Do they think of his new house as home? No-they like to visit, but consider it boring after a time, as they have no roots there. </p>
<p>Mantori, I love your story of living close and appreciating the intimacy with your family. </p>
<p>If I were concerned only with bottom line, I’d have moved out of my overlarge house when the last 2 went to college. But I wanted to maintain the home, and residence in the familiar neighborhood through the college years to keep their sense of place intact. Give it a few years, and on college graduation, I’m hoping to sell. But the neighbors are shocked!!! ‘You can’t move!’ As most of them won’t.</p>
<p>Families break up and fragment for many, unfortunately. Whether right or wrong, I was told independently by both of my parents following the divorce, “Oh, aibarr, our family died long ago.” Holding onto the familiarity of my home was a last grasp at whatever straws I had left. Re-reading that, I know it sounds pathetically materialistic, to require something as impersonal as a house to symbolize my family and my home, but I have to be honest and say that as soon as our house was sold, I started to emotionally detach from my memories of childhood. (Admittedly, mental illness and having to take care of a sick parent throughout the divorce also took its emotional toll on me, but I know that a lot of my outwards reactions were in response to losing the house itself.) From an academic point of view, it’s kind of interesting to see how I’ve reacted to these changes in my life, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that my teenage and young-adult emotions that I often thought were tied to trivial losses were indicators of larger troubles that I couldn’t necessarily verbalize because I was too overwhelmed with complex emotions (and hormones!) to do so.</p>
<p>Remember that some of the kids in the article came from broken homes, as well. I sincerely doubt that they’re just reacting to the loss of square footage and a basketball court. I also sincerely doubt that family dynamics are isolated from the situation. I don’t think that we’re seeing the whole picture here, and I think that some of the posts in this thread are using awfully strong language to condemn people whose lives we’re only seeing a tiny slice of, and that slice is even seen through the eyes of a reporter, whose motives are not necessarily to paint an accurate psychological picture of the subject at hand.</p>
<p>Someone here brought up Downward Mobility for this next generation and I’m sure there will be plenty. I do remember in the early 80’s NY Magazine had a cover article on it. I was a 20-something then, living in a hovel in NYC and thinking that I’d rather be in my own hovel than with my parents in their comfy digs. Each to his own, I guess.</p>
<p>Some issues to consider regarding one’s childhood and the childhood home. Do parents need to be stuck in the past for their adult children? I didn’t read the article but am thinking of various posts. Do children get to move on with their lives, independent of their parents? Why can’t parents also enter a new stage of their lives post children in their house? Since the parents are the ones providing all of the housing opportunities isn’t it their decision which to change, ie downsizing et al? When a student leaves home is it right for him/her to deny others a chance at the space they had the better fortune to occupy? Can the child move on and expect those left behind to live with their abandoned things/space as they left it?</p>
<p>We are planning to relocate when H retires and son graduates from college next spring. Eventually we will no longer be the repository for all of his left behind things as well. He no longer has the strong ties here- his HS and childhood friends have all moved on in life, the place isn’t the same. Our house is far too big for 2 people. My own childhood house was small and became “not mine” as I moved on. “Home is where the heart is” is a cliche for good reason. You can’t keep both the past and a future at the same time. </p>
<p>Part of growing up/maturing is realizing you can’t always have what you want. It also involves realizing that parents are also people who deserve as much as you do. It takes an adult child/teen by surprise when they realize they are not the center of their parents’ world or that their parents have a life outside of how it relates to them. The transition from child to adult is hard- losing the stability of the material things from childhood emphasizes that there is no going back to being taken care of totally. This is probably hardest on those who had mostly happy memeories of home and faced little hardship.</p>
<p>Children will feel and express negative emotions when parents change the constants in their lives. But not having everything go your way, even if it seemed to up until this point, is not reality. The important thing will be in adjusting to the new situation in time. Most will be able to after they mourn the loss of a part of their past.</p>