Wait, what? Why does a 23 year old need your permission to move somewhere?
I disagree completely. I just think they’re not ready to fit into the mold of adult you seem to have in your mind.
Sure. Maybe. But I do think it is much harder to make ends meet than it used to be. By the time you take out payroll and income taxes, rent, other living expenses like cell phones, medical insurance, auto insurance (one minor accident and one speeding ticket already), food, entertainment, gas, car repairs, the cost of a new car, etc. etc. oh and don’t forget putting 15% of gross away for retirement you don’t have much left. So what happens?
Some of those things don’t get done.
And you can end up with other problems and depression in your 30’s and 40’s if you aren’t careful. Or you can live paycheck to paycheck.
Supposedly, rushing out of the house fosters independence but the other side of that coin is there are good jobs here. What is the rush? Owning a home with a small mortgage before you are 30 makes sense to me.
We just got off the phone. He thinks he will get a job offer at the place where he is interning now. That is why he thinks he will stay in the city he goes to college in. We will see. I don’t like the philosophy of “let them make their own mistakes” that is the only way they will learn. I’d rather just have them not make mistakes in the first place.
I think he will end up marrying way too young. I should make him read that other thread about income inequality here on CC. When you are as young as he is you really think you will be in love forever. I sense a tragic mistake is being sown right now. He will call me back Sunday morning. I am going to watch stuff on TV. Yes, if I had any sense I would butt out and let him do whatever he wanted.
Yes, when the toddler tries to run into the the street, you DON’T let them make that mistake. But not wanting to let them make ANY mistakes? No, just no. That’s how we learn. That’s how character is built. Setting your kids up so that they have zero discomfort and take no risks does them no favors. There is a HUGE benefit to a young adult’s making it on their own, even if it means some trips and falls along the way. They get an enormous sense of accomplishment by doing this. Don’t rob him of that to soothe your own anxiety.
It sounds like you like control. And also, you don’t want him to be independent and self sufficient. You want him to NEED YOU. I get it, but on the other hand, that’s crippling him in order to meet your needs. It doesn’t meet his, for sure. It’s not his job to make you feel needed like you were when he was a lad.
Do your parents still tell you what to do? As you said, you are a parent forever. Do your parents continue to “suggest” and “threaten”? Do you like that?
Clearly you love your son. But you seriously need to step back and let him find himself, or you risk having him show up only when he absolutely HAS to, if that. Your helicoptering and need to control/protect could backfire in a big way.
And don’t ever try to come between him and a woman. Do that, and you may have to be satisfied with pics of the grandkids while her parents get most of the time and ALL of the holidays. Seriously, tread lightly.
@22,
My parents don’t tell me what to do. I could make the case that they neglected me and my two sisters well before we were adults but that is a long story. I’ll err on the side of over parenting rather than underparenting. I was adopted as was my sisters. There was a lot of dysfunction in my house growing up and, at the same time, it was normal middle class Ameriana. I don’t have any problems with my parents; I mention this for context.
Your last paragraph is right on the money and if that happens to me I will take my punishment as Karma or whatever it is. I trust my judgement. I tell him, and his brother, what I believe is right or wrong and am completely open and transparent about where I am coming from. That has been working for me so far.
You are confusing your issues with his. Perhaps your background caused control issues or anxiety or whatever, but it isn’t fair to impose that on your son now. Do not mistake your neediness with his. He sounds like a well adjusted young man on track with his peers and with his goals in life. Which may not match yours. That’s ok.
This may work for some topics, as long as there’s an understanding between you and your sons that you will not be offended if they don’t go along with your suggestions.
When it comes to your older son’s girlfriend, though, it would be better to keep your mouth shut. Anything negative you say about her or their relationship may come back to haunt you.
My father said something insulting about my college boyfriend to another family member, and my boyfriend found out about it. It turned out that a few years later, I married that boyfriend. My husband never warmed up to my father because he could never forget the insult. This created an awkwardness in the family that lasted for the rest of my father’s life – almost 30 years.
This is exactly the sort of thing that you should only say to us on CC – never to your son and never to friends or relatives who might share your views with your son.
No offense meant, but I think you’re over involved.
Supporting him through school was incredibly generous, but this idea of giving him money for a house and relocation and stuff…oye. I know your heart is 100% in the right place, but it’s crippling when your Mom doesn’t appear to believe in your basic abilities and feels she has to hold your hand and simplify your life for you even though you’re a grown man.
I know that’s not what you mean to do…but you’re infantalizing him. That kinda erodes his dignity and self worth.
Guy has a college education. You gave him the tools. Have some faith in him that he can make it.
Time to step back, Mama, and let him learn how to manage his own finances. That little bird is WAY too plump and grown to have you stuffing the worms down his beak:)
Let him fly. Sure, he’ll make mistakes, but he’ll learn from them.
You’ll be much less anxious when you see he’s perfectly OK on his own.
I have a feeling that a big part of your identity is needing to help and feel needed. Believe me…I get that. LOL. But it’s time to direct your super-mom skills onto another target. Do some volunteer work with kids who need help in your community. A lot of little people out there desperately need someone who wants so badly to give.
But your adult son…is not one of them. LOL. He needs your trust in his abilities. He needs you to let go a little and let him challenge himself. He will amaze you:)
Transitioning from an Adult-Child relationship…to an Adult-Adult relationship can be tough…but in this case, I really think it’s overdue. Wish you all the best.
Yeah, and there are people who marry at 40 and think they’ll be in love forever… and divorce a few years later.
I married at 24. Even his family, who really doesn’t like me, never said anything about us marrying “young.”
I grew up without my dad’s mom because she kept trying to get in between my mom and my dad. I consider it her loss and I’ve never missed her. My parents have had a wonderful marriage and are the two most loving parents I could imagine. My grandma was wrong and she missed out on the chance to have a relationship with her grandchild.
I can promise you that 99% of the time, he will pick her. Is it really worth it to risk that?
If so, I am starting to understand why he doesn’t want to go live back at home… no offense, just speaking from a young person’s POV.
I am the dad not the mom but your points are well taken. I get what you all are saying.
It wouldn’t hurt for me to step back from time to time. Easy to say, hard to do. I just made a batch of pancakes for tomorrow morning. That won’t help me or my son but it was better than watching TV. I have strong opinions about who is and is not right for him. My opinions would probably be in the minority here, which is fine. CC is a good place to share information, vent, listen, etc.
I don’t mind of he stays in his college town if the internship he has turns into a job he is passionate about. That is fine. But, as I said, I think he is staying there for the girl not the job and therein lies the potential problem. Yes, yes, yes, I know some people fall in love at a young age and it all works out perfectly.
I’ll see how it plays out. I know this. If someone told me I could move home after college and save money and build up a down payment on a house, I know what I would do. There is a great job opportunity here as well although it is not a FT position but it is in the field he originally intended on pursuing which again makes me wonder why he changed plans to stay in his college city. Oh well, it can’t be fixed tonight and maybe I am over reacting.
This sounds like something from the 19th century, as if you’re involved in selecting his wife.
Let’s not romanticize a past that never was. When did most people ever save 15% for retirement, drive new cars, pay all their other bills, including entertainment, and then still have a lot leftover?
How does his mom feel about all this?
Now, I think you’re getting to the central issue here. I admire the way you’ve clarified your thinking through your interactions with all of us on this thread.
You feel that the girl is a problem. Can you explain why?
Sometimes, parents are worried when their kids get involved in relationships because it means that they don’t have total freedom to move to wherever the best jobs are. Is that the issue here? Does the girl need to stay for a while longer in the community where your son has been going to school? Is she a student there who is still working toward her degree? And are you concerned that if your son stays in that community, it will be bad for his career?
Or is it the girl herself? Is there something about her – or his relationship with her – that leads you to think that the relationship is not a good one?
When we were younger and graduated from college/professional school/grad school, my folks offered each of us the opportunity to live at home as long as desired. Most of my sibs did so. I tried it for a few months and then moved into an apartment of my own because it was just too crowded to do any of my work that I brought home and I was afraid I would lose files or worse. Fortunately, the rent of the apartment was below market and still allowed me to save a lot of money and was a short drive or bus ride from my office.
My parents never articulated any “strings” to living at home, but you were “one of the kids” while living there and expected to let folks know whether you would be around for meals or not. You were also supposed to keep your living area relatively clean.
S lived with us from Aug until just before his job started the following May. The only “string” was common courtesy about noise and letting us know which meals he’d be joining us for (or eating away from home). If he said nothing, there may or may not be a meal when he appeared. It worked fine for all of us. We didn’t have him contribute financially at all–he wasn’t earning any money and we didn’t need his money.
I was about to go to bed but decided to check CC one more time.
His mom thinks I should mind MYOB. Whatever he wants to do is fine by her. 100% love and support from her side. His brother thinks I am over reacting as usual but also sees all my points and agrees that his brother should live his life a little first. This is his second super serious relationship in college already.
My main concern is that they are both too young. Love can be blinding especially at that age. Yes, there is the concern that he will forego better opportunities in other cities to be with the girl. She goes to school where he does. She is a pysch major FWIIW. As background, like I said, this is his second pie in the sky, head over heels, completely suffocating, no room for anyone else relationship. The first girl seemed clingy and needy and, after he brought her home, even his mom was luke warm about her and she pretty much is love and cookies with everyone. We found out some stuff later that was alarming. She had told him she had thought about suicide before. He didn’t see that as a problem but for me it was one of many red flags. She is far too young to even mention stuff like that. Scared me to death (I apologize for the pun).
He ignored me and tuned me out but later realized we (me and his brother) were right. I had a neighborhood friend commit suicide shortly after high school. Trust me, I never, never joke about that topic and to this day it still hurts me what he did.
I don’t wan to go too far in mentioning any other concerns I might have about her because it comes off as if I am attacking the girl and I am not. I can understand how my son, or anyone’s son, can fall for anyone. Likewise, a daughter can fall for anyone. Affairs of the heart are like that. But, hopefully, life wisdom has taught me a thing or two and I feel like it is better to speak up than not even if it starts WW III because that way at least it is on the table and you talk it out. So, yeah, I called him back tonight and for whatever reason we made progress.
He assures me he is not giving up any great opportunities elsewhere he just really likes his internship and if it opens up to a FT job he really wants that job but he won’t forget some of the other career opportunities he had planned for. He can always come back to them in a year or two if he gets that job. His first career plan was teaching at a CC. He can be on the schedule if he wants in his hometown, as an adjunct, a great opportunity, and get a day job also. He wants real world experience in his field before he goes for FT teaching jobs anyway so the teaching jobs can wait.
If he gets a good FT job offer back in his hometown he will live at home. If he gets a good job offer in the other city we both agree on he will take that too. I told him I didn’t think he was applying much in those cities because he would rather stay where he is and be with the girl but he insisted that isn’t the case. So, bottom line, he will keep all his options open. He won’t get married by getting her pregnant. That is a fear of mine. It is not an irrational fear. Unplanned pregnancies happen.
He likes the ideas I’ve pitched to him and if he doesn’t get the job in his college city that is what will happen. Now I can go to bed. They wear you out. They are younger than we are. It was all Karma. It all came back to haunt me. Years of meddling finally came back to bite me on the backside. It is practically like Alcatraz living here. I should’ve adopted a puppy instead of have kids. It is cheaper and less arguing.
GoNoles85 …“and less arguing.”
You have probably insured that your son will make every effort not to move back to his hometown. You would require that he move home. You are really over stepping yours bounds with him. He is an adult. So what if he makes a mistake in romance? We all learn from mistakes. I can’t believe he talks to you on the phone if you argue all the time.
??? Depression doesn’t discriminate by age.
I’m sorry but WHAT??? Gee, how horrible that she shared something intimate and probably very painful for her with your son.
Suicide, depression, and/or mental illness don’t know age limits. Luckily, now that there is less stigma around it, more people are open and getting help than ever before.
“I should’ve adopted a puppy instead of have kids. It is cheaper and less arguing.”
I think that most parents (maybe all parents?) have felt this way at some point.
As parents we are not the boss of our kid’s lives, especially after then turn 21. They get to make their own mistakes. We get to provide them with some guidance (which they might ignore), and a supportive place to come back to when their plans and dreams don’t go the way that they had hoped. We get to bail them out when things go wrong, but if we are wise parents we don’t bail them out until after they have learned not to repeat the same mistake (they should learn enough to make a different mistake next time).
“His mom thinks I should mind MYOB. Whatever he wants to do is fine by her. 100% love and support from her side.”
His mom is right. This doesn’t mean that you are wrong about what might go awry with your son’s plans. It only means that your son has to figure this out himself.
It’s probably not anything personal that he doesn’t want to move home. He might just feel like he needs to be out on his own. It may not have anything whatsoever with you.
My youngest son lived at home for a month after graduating, and got really uncomfortable about it. He said he felt like he was living in his parents basement (even though he wasn’t). He said that this was the best situation possible, but he still didn’t like it. Even though he had a nice bedroom with a view, access to a car,boat and a hot tub, his beloved dogs are here, he could have parties whenever he wanted, we were not controlling whatsoever…and best of all, we are gone half the time, but he was still uncomfortable with it. It may be because most of his friends are out on their own, but he had a good deal and he knew it. My older son said that many of the techies live at home for a couple of months between jobs, kind of like a vacation. He didn’t seem to have a problem with it (though he moved out right after college).
I suggest that perhaps instead of trying to talk him into moving home, just to tell him that option is always there. These are the advantages and he is always welcome to come home, and you two would love to see him. But no pressure, it’s just an option for him.
The good thing is you are such a transparent over-the-top control freak that he may not really hold it against you. It sounds like a humorous caricature. You may get to see the grandkids after all.