Hi, I’m sorry if this has come up before, I am sure it has, but I wanted to get a temperature gauge on what other parents think about this. Just for background and perspective, my kids are boys/young men, ages 22 (23 in a few months) and 19.
My 23 YO is about to earn his grad degree in July 2017 and is looking for work. He is not sure what city he wants to live in but has that narrowed down to a few locations. I have encouraged him to come back home, if he wants, get started on his career, live at home, bank about half his earnings, then I will match what he saves or double it, so he can be a home owner with an affordable mortgage by the time he is in his late 20’s.
I thought that was a sensible plan but found out he is on a different planet. God, I love being a parent. I am not sure what I did to deserve such punishment but whatever I did I swear to you I will never do it again. Ever. No matter what. You couldn’t make me do whatever I did again for a billion dollars.
If he comes home and lives at home again he will have his old room back, all the food he can eat, very few restrictive rules, although yes I do meddle in other people’s business now and then, basically the rules are don’t do anything stupid, never drink and drive, don’t get a criminal record, and he must eat healthy and work out. I don’t think those rules are all that unreasonable. He isn’t against returning home but his initial reasons for not wanting to do so were ridiculous. He felt like it made him a loser or something and I countered with who cares do what is best for you. It is a great way to save money.
Anyway, I think younger or older folks staying at home is the way to go. It might not be the American way but it isn’t 1950 anymore either. I am not forcing him to come home either. I told him he could go to another city he and I both like and I’d support him some there to until he can fly under his own wings. We will see what happens I guess. I sort of just wanted to vent.
You did what you could my making such a generous offer. And who knows, he may yet come home for a bit. I think the idea is that he would understand that staying at home, even short term won’t define him as a “loser” but as a fiscally prudent person.
My 23 year old S did live home for about 8 months and then moved into an apartment in NYC. He was working really huge hours and the commute was becoming wearing. But even in that short amount of time he saved up for furniture, the security deposit etc. and I think it was helpful to start work with a clear head – not having to worry about making dinner, doing laundry, paying rent etc.
It’s wonderful that you offered him this option. I mean, it’s truly and genuinely awesome. Many parents are not willing to do this. So your son has choices that other young people do not.
But at the same time, there are disadvantages to a young person moving home after completing his education. First, and perhaps most important, it limits him to jobs in your geographic area. Second, it limits his social life (especially as it pertains to sex). There was a whole thread on this recently. Even if your family’s rules would permit him to have a guest stay in his room overnight, he might feel so awkward about it that he wouldn’t do it. And finally, there is a perception in our culture that living at home after college is the less desirable choice, and that it reflects some sort of failure on the part of the young person. This is not well thought out – often, living with family members is an intelligent and realistic choice – but the perception is there.
We so want to make things easier for them. But that might not always be the best thing for them.
My oldest moved “home” to WI when she graduated instead of moving back with us (we moved to PA when she started high school). She worked as a substitute teacher. Lived in a ratty apartment she’d found on Craigslist with very little furniture. We helped her out by keeping her on our health and auto insurance and a credit card for emergencies. Her lifestyle was frugal and sometimes painful. But she was proud of her (relative) independence.
When she aged out of our insurance she moved to rural Alaska out of necessity for a full time job. The skills and values she developed struggling in WI prepared her well for that job. She loves it there. Had we convinced her to live with us she would never have found the job she loves and contributed so much to the kids there.
My kids never came home after college. My S was able to save and buy a home in his 20’s. D could buy a home but she’s not sure she wants to stay in the area she’s in and doesn’t feel like home ownership yet. My kids learned invaluable “adulting” issues living away from their parents.
You can’t force these things. It’s what you want it may not be what he wants.
My parents wanted me to move home after college. I don’t think they ever wanted me to go away in the first place. I also wanted to stay in the city where I went to college and never really felt like I “fit” where I grew up in the same way I did in my new, adopted city, and they knew that. I was afraid if I moved back, I’d end up getting stuck there and be miserable. So why the big push to move home when I made all this clear? They started with nothing and both became independently successful with their own businesses. Did they not believe in me enough to think I couldn’t make it on my own too? I swore I’d live in a cardboard box under a bridge before I moved home, and suggesting I move home made me feel as though they expected me to fall flat on my face without their help and didn’t believe in me as much as I wanted and needed them to at the time. At that age, you have enough self-doubt.
Not sure if that helps or not. I know your intentions are good, but just thought I’d share what was going on in my head at that age, and what might be going through his.
Kid moved home after her long gig abroad and is still here, but is actively looking for her own place. Having a roof over her head seems to be to her advantage in negotiating with landlords because she is not desperate or in a hurry. Living near Seattle did not seem to limit her job search - she got interviews in Baltimore and Nashville, but eventually landed a job in Seattle, which, IMO, is just awesome. For social life, she was hanging out with friends somewhere downtown… No SO yet, so no issues with not being able to have privacy in the house etc.
Most people I graduated with would much rather live in a cramped apartment than back with their parents. It has nothing to do with how nosy/not nosy, etc parents are. Kids just don’t want to move back unless they absolutely have to.
My parents and I have shared houses now and then between when I graduated and now. It’s never been an issue for me but my parents and I don’t seem to have a “typical” parent/child relationship.
I would love for my kids to come home after college if they need a breather to find a job or wait for grad school to start, but I doubt they will. Hey, I didn’t either. You made a generous offer. Maybe it can be there in back of your child’s mind as he decides what to do.
Once a parent, always a parent. I think that to some extent, parents will always relate to their grown children as children rather than as fellow adults. And this can be especially troublesome if they live in the same home.
You say that two of your expectations are healthy eating and working out. But choices about eating and exercise are choices that most adults want to make for themselves. Even if your son shares your views on the importance of these things, I think he would want to feel free to make his own decisions. Occasionally, he might want to be able to eat ice cream or potato chips in his own home. Sometimes, he might want to skip a workout in favor of spending his time in a different way. And if he can’t do these things, he might not feel that he’s a real adult. That could be a very hard thing for a man in his twenties.
Our home area was a much better young adult place than their college locations, so all three returned to the area.
They knew they were welcome to live at home with the expectation of paying a nominal contributory rent (maintain their own rooms, use of house amenities), and sharing common roommate courtesies (let us know if you won’t be home for dinner or to sleep).
1 was in our home for 2.5 years, had a job that required weekly travel so was a great roommate and saved a bundle. The next move was to the opposite coast.
2 was in our home for 2 years, left when getting into a house with a group of friends that was located in a more 'in town' part of town.
3 returned to the area with SO and they moved in together.
My daughter is graduating in May, and will take a year off from school before starting grad school in the fall of 2018. (She has been accepted and got a deferment). She has had some overwhelming physical and mental health issues, which is why she needs the year to do some kind of boring job. We have encouraged her to come home for the summer (she has a surgery scheduled for July, and needs a few weeks to recover), and then try to get a job that can pay her share of an apartment in September.
Of course, she wants to move in to an apartment right after graduation, but can’t afford to do so. I am all for kids not moving back home, as long as they can reasonably afford it, but I’m not going to pay her rent just so she can pretend to be independent. If she needs financial support, she can live at home.
My parenting philosophy–especially for older offspring-- is that I can offer, but I cannot compel. My D’s know that they are always welcome here (“here” being a large Southern California city where there are numerous career and job opportunities). D1 took a job offer in Northern California; her younger sister is also hoping to live elsewhere after graduation. Going elsewhere on their own dime is fine. If they need to save money, then home is available.
Friends of D1’s have lived at home because they started their post-college careers with unpaid internships. And I lived at home right out of school because I had no money. Took a few months to save up enough to move out.
Rules about not drinking and driving, and not getting a criminal record, are in place regardless of where anyone is living. Rules about eating healthily and working out are imo not really enforceable, but right now both offspring are doing better in this regard than their parents.
A rule about not doing anything stupid is, well, stupid. We ALL do stupid things.
My rules would include helping around the house (e.g. cleaning up the kitchen/making dinner), not having loud sex, not bringing home one-night stands, not smoking marijuana inside, turning off the lights if they’re the last one up, and not doing any specific stupid thing more than once.
Didn’t want kid to move back home and S didn’t want to either. We were also prepared to help him out if he didn’t have a job right away in whatever city he decided he wanted to live. Since he is a worker he knew that meant taking any old job while looking for better job. Fortunately, he had a good job lined up before graduating and in a city he was excited about living in so we never had to cross that bridge.
@GoNoles85 First of all, thanks for bringing this up. I, and probably many other parents on CC, will have one child graduate college in a bit more than a year and it is helpful to hear other parent’s experiences before we face the same situation.
“I have encouraged him to come back home, if he wants, …”
My intention was to offer rather than encourage. I suspect that finances will make the difference one way or another.
“God, I love being a parent. I am not sure what I did to deserve such punishment but whatever I did I swear to you I will never do it again.”
You had children. I suspect that very few of us were fully aware of what we were getting into (neither in terms of the joys or the heartbreaks).
Apparently, my son and I are “negotiating” now that he is an adult. I freely admit I struggle with that concept. He is going to call me later. I don’t think he really has issues about not wanting to live here again temporarily. He definitely isn’t going to fight me on the eating right and working out rules. I don’t say how many times a week he has to work out or whatever. We have a lot of exercise equipment in the garage, you name it we probably have it, so he doesn’t even have to leave the house to work out. He is going to help me understand his concerns when he calls me later. I hope he has something better than perception because that is irrelevant.
I can understand he might not be sure what city he wants to go to yet. Fine. Perfectly understandable. I can understand crimping his style (not being able to have sex at home easily). That is a legit concern, after all, he is a about be 23 YO male. There may be some other concerns so we will see.
If he does return to this city, I want him to stay here. Save about half his paycheck. Once he is settled into his career be in position to make a large down payment on a house and avoid renting. That would be really ideal. If he heads off the other city we both agree on that is fine too. Great city. Amazing place to be young. He won’t have to worry about saving money and can just be a college grad in the big city. I can get that plan also. I’ve endorsed that plan also.
The early reports about the job market are not super good. He sent me his resume and I gave him about 9 suggestions. He was still using a kid’s resume. Had I not intervened he would have really struggled. Whoever said “once a parent, always a parent,” is right on the money. You have to constantly monitor, guide, suggest, threaten, pay attention, stay tuned, listen. Very few people in their 20’s are really 100% ready to be full fledged adults. It isn’t just the cell plan, the medical insurance, etc. I really don’t think they are fully formed human beings yet. He, for example, has had me paying for all of his college. He has never had the pressure of saving enough of his paycheck to pay rent. He has grown a lot in college, he matured tremendously, he is far less stubborn and know it all than he used to be, but he also is in a serious relationship and I am afraid that is the real 800-lb gorilla in the room.
The financials of your offer are very generous, more generous than most.
However, accepting that generosity with strings attached, i.e., a parent who is admittedly “meddlesome” and dictates what an adult may eat or that they “must” work out- may be more than many young adults are willing to stomach. On its face, there is nothing wrong with eating “healthy” or exercising. But those habits needs to come from within; how ingrained will they be, really, if those things are essentially forced on them by parents. Not to mention that even the experts don’t always agree on what is “healthy” eating. If my parents had made a rule that I must “eat healthy and work out,” I would probably have decided that the money offered was the best money I’d ever walked away from, because it would have come at a heavy price (possible deterioration of the relationship).
Sounds like he is more than ready to be on his own and quite capable of doing so. Anything he stumbles on he will self correct on his own and he will acquire full fledged adult skills by being treated like the adult he is. Tens of thousands of young men his age manage just fine; I don’t see any reason to think he is less capable than they are. He did manage to acquire a grad degree.
If perception is one of his concerns then it is relevant because he cares about it. Everything he cares about should be an acceptable part of the conversation. He isn’t required to come up with “something better.” I think the two of you would communicate most effectively if he feels free to explain himself as he sees fit, rather than feeling he has to satisfy a demand to come up with a better reason.
This could end up limiting his choices. He might feel that if he moves to the city where you live but decides not to live with you, it will cause endless trouble between you. So you might be causing him to cross that city off his list of possibilities, thereby narrowing his job options. Do you really want to do that?
Before your conversation with him, consider whether you can modify your attitude to “If you return to this city, you are welcome to live here, but of course, you might choose to live somewhere else instead, and that’s fine.”
Why is it an 800-pound gorilla? He’s an adult. It’s normal for him to be in a serious relationship and for that relationship to have an impact on other choices he makes, including the choice of where to live.
I have a 27-year-old daughter. In a few months, she will be getting married – to a man that she became seriously involved with when she was 23. There is nothing abnormal about having a serious relationship at that age.
It sounds like you wanted to vent more than get advice, but I think being financially independent is part of being adult. If a kid is saddled with excessive debt from undergrad or can’t find a decent job, maybe living at home in a necessity. In most cases, after they’re done with school, they need to learn to live within a budget. As others have said, he may feel it would limit his social/sex/dating life.
We ALL do stupid things.