<p>Interesting article from USAToday. Never thought about this much, but I’m aware we’ve done it. Now I worry about my kids going to work for a firm like one I worked for briefly. They took pride in the way the brutally reviewed people’s work; never seen anything so harsh or unpleasant. Claimed it improved the work we delivered to our clients and made our people better. Well, most of them, the ones that didn’t break. I can’t imagine anyone who’s never faced real criticism before facing that ordeal.</p>
<p>I think that in order to produce a child who grows into an adult who is unable to handle ANY critcism, one would have to be extremely excessive in that type of gratuitous complimenting. For most kids, enough constructive criticism comes from parents and teachers over the years to orient the child to the idea that s/he is not <em>perfect</em>. I tend to be very positive with my kids, but save the huge kudos and compliments for meaningful accomplishments (whether or not they are publicly noted). I do, though, offer constructive criticism when necessary.</p>
<p>I would say, though, that a person’s not being able to handle “harsh or unpleasant” criticism is not particularly dysfunctional. In that case, the major problem lies with the critic and his/her inappropriate approach.</p>
<p>My husband sees this all the time as a high school teacher. He would consider it as an off shoot, or perhaps a root cause of another syndrome that is fairly common among the students he teaches - no concept of the solidity of reality. He sees this a lot, he thinks, and has heard it ascribed at workshops as being secondary to prevalence of media, and particularly the Internet as opposed to TV. Kids think that if you just say something is true, it becomes true (“good job” said consistently for an accomplishment that is mediocre at best?) - for example, you say at the beginning of the year that you are going to be captain of the basketball team, and it will just happen, magical thinking. It dovetails with the Internet in the sense that before Internet, kids did magical thinking (one of those Piaget things), but they constantly butted into reality testing the magical assumptions, now with the Internet, a kid can post the “truth” about themselves as whatever they want it to be, and people respond to them as if was truth (is this sounding familiar?), they don’t develop the normal sense of reality. Interesting theory.</p>
<p>As a college student, I am very sensitive to criticism phrased in a way that sounds condescending. I am always open to comments and advice from my professors and advisors, but any comments that sound degrading and diminishing my work ethic does hurt my feelings. Not to borderline tears but excessive worrying, anger and probably depression. Maybe I won’t survive in the real world where the atmosphere, as I have heard and read, is cutthroat where people who play by the rules, are aggressive and persistent to the end win. Maybe I will survive in a world where no one cares about your accomplishments as long as you get the work done efficiently and promptly. </p>
<p>I have no idea. But as someone whose work experience is pretty small but numerous volunteer activities, maybe I have been living in a bubble where people care and want to help you. But at the same time, I hope there is some truth in that.</p>
<p>Oh, I TOTALLY agree with this statement!! I have touched upon this in another thread re: online blogs. I know someone whose psychologically disturbed daughter thinks she is “cool” and “enlightened” because of her peers’ reactions to her “truths” on her online journal. Unfortunately, her mom’s own dysfunction and outright denial have interfered with her getting the help she needs. VERY skewed “reality” there…</p>
<p>I think with raising kids, the praise has to be calibrated to the individual kid. When they are younger, some kids need the extra attention and praise to do some things that are difficult for them. My three youngest ones certainly did, as they all had issues. But as they get older, the standards should grow with them. Just as a deed in the potty woudl get extravagant praise and rewards during a crucial part of toddlerhood (we all know that phase!), the deed become routine and expected once that is mastered. Kids who venture out of their regions quickly get a reality check on what is truly well done. My older son, who is an athlete, learned very quickly, that my “well done” which was truly from the heart, as I truly did feel his worst efforts at the levels he performed were “well done” to me, were not the appraisals that he sought, though comforting in that mom always thought these ventures were wonderful. A touch of reality outside of one’s comfort zone witll generally take care of all of this.</p>
<p>I think the problem is fostered in elementary schools, where 2nd graders constantly interrupt the teaching-in-progress, by needing to speak with the school psychologist. I have seen little kids demanding to go get a huggy-bear (little paper cut-out) from the psych., because Tamara said her shoes were ugly, or Peter did not include him in the game.</p>
<p>Please, give me a break!!</p>
<p>None of my kids, (and the oldest is graduating H.S. this year), has ever felt the need to visit the psych. for such trivial matters. My 10-year old sees groups of kids getting “called down” to discuss why they should not say mean things about Lisa’s pink socks.</p>
<p>Parents put some reality into your child’s world. You don’t have to prop them up all the time. The higher the pedestal the greater the fall. Be positive in your comments, but don’t sugar-coat it.</p>
<p>chocoholic - I agree with you that kids should learn to deal with these minor problems without the interference of adults. However, I must say that when I was in elementary schools, certain kids were targeted to be picked on, ostracized, and excluded for years, and the adults in charge did nothing about it. It is possible that these extended hurtful experiences may have caused permanent psychological problems in some of the kids who were targeted. I think that the effects of such situations were probably much worse than the contrasting one you complain about above, and such situations would probably not be allowed to happen in today’s classrooms.</p>
<p>M-O-T, I agree that bullying is not to be tolerated. But seriously, most of what I see and hear is ridiculous. And a lot of it comes from parents who coddle.</p>
<p>?School psychologist??? Thank heaven I live in the backward South where we don’t have money for such things! Where are the parents? Shouldn’t the parents be talking to little Billy about not being a bully?! Yes bullying can be very hurtful, but grown people don’t act that way (at least not most of the time), and I’m not sure the answer is a trip tot the school psychologist - what the …?</p>
<p>As the parent of a child who was much more sensitive than other children I have to speak out. My daughter even now is very sensitive to tone of voice, facial expression and words. All I have to do is look at her, and her internal disciplinarian is criticizing her and making her feel worse than I would ever want to.
I agree that children need to eventually have a strong enough sense of themselves so that taunts and harrasment from peers and adults don’t impact their ability to function at school. However, this is what I see in the elementary schools. I don’t see psychologists or even full time nurses. I hear teachers, when a student complains that another student called her a “mo fo” ask, " well did you deserve it?"
I see classrooms of 30 students where a few get positive attention, most get little attention and a few have kick the dog mentality. I am sure we are all familiar with that. The parents are stressed, take it out on the kids, and the kid kicks the dog or if no dog is available, takes it out on children who look like easy targets on the bus or school. Children, no matter their youth are told to buck up or shrug it off, in the same society where adults would be encouraged to sue for mental or physical harrassment.</p>
<p>Berurah–So, that’s what I’m doing wrong! I just need to invent a better image of myself, make up a better story, and post it on the internet (here?) and voila! I can be cool and enlightened. If only . . . any time I start thinking I’m cool, my kids quickly burst that bubble!</p>
<p>My kids were kind of dumb (up to about 8 or 9 years of age) about the participation trophies and ribbons. I remember my oldest girl about that age overheard me talking to a fellow swim team mom, about how she was having such a good experience even though she was never got any ribbons. “Oh yes I do, I get an orange ribbon (the participation one) every week!” I guess she probably figured it out shortly after that, though! The little one, six years old, is still in the magical thinking stage. Next summer when she doesn’t get a gold medal (first place in the big meet) just because she wants it though, reality will hit (cause right now she wants to be on swim team so she can get a gold medal). So, I guess they figure it out long before college. Also, the kids quickly figured out that the “student of the month awards” at the elementary school were not for the best students when the kids with the worst behavior (and not at all studious) were the first ones to be recognized (for improvement, I guess).</p>
<p>I have to say, though, that I teach a little kids singing class after school, and I look for every way I can to praise them, yes, a lot of times just for having the guts to try singing solo or whatever, (not for the sound, which is almost irrelevant at this age, mostly I just want them to open their mouths and not be afraid to make some sound) but you know, that doesn’t stop them from making remarks to each other. One of them burst into tears when her friend offhandedly said “why don’t you try singing on pitch?” (second graders). So, I guess part of my mission with the “inane praise” is to try to get them to feel good enough to participate long enough to find out how good they can get. You don’t get better if you don’t give it a try.</p>
<p>Boy, anybody here watch American Idol and the disbelieving reactions of the absolute worst singers when they are cut? How can you say “the competition ends here! – all my friends said I was a good singer!” The fairly decent ones take it much more in stride when they hear the bad news.</p>
<p>I have called this self-esteem mumbo jumbo the Lake Wobegone syndrome, where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average. </p>
<p>More seriously, it seems that this self esteem movement is also at play in the rampant grade inflation which occurs throughout our education system. Not only is it dishonest but it short changes our children. The teacher who teaches all the pre-calc(H) and CalcAP classes in my son’s HS was unique. He expected much of his students! It was not at all unusual for a straight “A” student to end up with a B or even a C! Typically only 2 or 3 students ended up with a 90+ unweighted average and more than that with less than an 80. According to my son his tests were quite a bit harder than the Calc2 tests in college. In addition the teacher wore all black on test days with a skull and cross bones tie! But did they ever learn their calculus. While the final average grade in the class was low, the AP scores were very high. The other interesting thing is that he was one of the favorite teachers in the school. </p>
<p>The point is that the best students welcome a challenge and will not fall apart with that first B if they know that they have put in a good effort and learned the subject matter. They know all about grade inflation and that many of their A’s were a reflection of less than their best.</p>
<p>I do acknowledge that many schools have grade inflation. Parents want their children to recieve good grades, teachers want classfulls of students who are getting A’s and principals want their schools ranked highly.
Handing out A’s to everyone who manages to finish the assignment shouldn’t be the way to run a class. Kids see through this, and lose respect for the teacher and themselves when they are given an A for mediocre work. Whats worse is that the student isn’t prepared for the next level, and the cycle continues, ending when students graduate with a diploma that prepares them to take remedial courses in college if they even get that far.</p>
<p>The kids certainly understand when the adults bend the rules to make kids feel better. My youngest (8) plays basketball and the referees bend the rules all the time to help the weaker players and the weaker teams so they will feel better about themselves … virtually every game this has happened at least one kid has come up to me (coach me) after the game and asked why the ref wasn’t being fair … defined by the kids as treating everyone equally and not “helping” the weaker players and teams.</p>
<p>Permit me a little story: S was in 5th grade, not doing well in “keyboarding” class, and asked if we could buy the same software so he could practice at home. Great idea. Two weeks later, software arrives. S no longer interested in practicing. Mom says “Yes, you will practice. We’ll do 10 minutes a day. I’ll keep you company while you do it. You’ll be amazed at how much just 10 minutes a day of practice will help you.”</p>
<p>S proceeds to sit at keyboard, practicing while moaning and groaning the whole way through. “I can’t do this… I hate this… This isn’t helping… Why are you making me… blah, blah, blah.” Mom steels herself, makes occasional encouraging murmurs. S turns to Mom with the look of “brilliant idea” all over his face and says: “You can’t make me do this. I’m just no good at it and if you keep making me do this, it will hurt my Self-Esteem.”</p>
<p>In one of those rare teachable moments when Mom was ready with the right thought and S was ripe to listen, I told him that self-esteem comes, not from avoiding something which is difficult, but in sticking with it, even when it’s difficult, and finding out that if you work at it, you can succeed.</p>
<p>S begrudgingly completed his 10 minute session with slightly less groaning. At the end of the session, took the practice test built into the software and, for the first time, got a “Well done, attaboy. Move on to the next level,” from the computer robot.</p>
<p>Smile on his face will never disappear from my memory. Moral of the story: we need to teach our kids where self-esteem really comes from. It is NOT from constant praise, choosing pursuits where one will always shine. It is from accomplishing something in which effort was required.</p>
<p>My kids must be going to school in a different reality. My grade schooler still may be living in a fantasy world, but my 14 year old who plays competitive sports knows that if he doesn’t perform well on the field, the coaches put him on the bench. He may get an off- hand compliment if he does well, but they don’t hand out trophies just for showing up. His teachers are tough, don’t hand out grades easily and they are trying to prepare him for the reality of high school. In our high school, you don’t get A’s in the tougher classes unless you are brilliant or work very hard, you don’t make the top band or choir or star in drama without talent and hard work, you don’t make the any of the sports teams if you don’t have talent and training. I think my high schooler has had a healthy dose of reality the past few years, although I think she is due to take several more rounds of reality therapy before she’s through, due to her extreme resistance to the reality drug. That’s part of growing up.</p>
<p>The overwhelming philosophy at my daughter’s middle school is that everyone is equal, therefore no one gets a deflated self esteem. If a kid has not received the grades necessary to make an academic honor roll, he can still make the effort honor roll, as long as he doesn’t burn the building down or get busted for drugs in the classroom. There is no distinction between the two. The whole philosophy is that we do not want anyone to feel bad. The sports programs at the school are also very non-competitive for the same reason. Everyone makes the team, and everyone gets equal playing time. It doesn’t matter if we lose every game, blah. blah. blah.</p>
<p>I really don’t think that this helps the kids in the long run. Its ok to realize and recognize that some kids are more academic, some are better at music, some are more athletic, etc. That’s life.</p>
This part of not separating the cream I happen to agree with. High school is plenty of time for making/not making the team. Parental pressure to win in athletics, imho, is reponsible for culling kids out of sports way too early. Kids develop at different rates. Let’s give them a chance to learn a sport and play it (in every sense of the word) before we knock them down and discourage them from future participation. Let’s remember that Michael Jordan was cut from his high-school team as a Freshman - even he wasn’t able to show what he had at that young age.</p>
<p>As for cushioning kids from ever feeling failure - the other part of your post - I agree completely.</p>
<p><em>LOL</em> mstee! Yeah, I wish it would work for me too, but alas, I’m much too grounded in <em>real</em> reality! (You have to partake in some pretty serious denial for this to work properly!)</p>
<p>I found myself nodding in enthusiastic agreement with your entire post above! I concur with everything you said.</p>