Not a regular poster here, but need to get advice from strangers. S18 has been dating a girl for exactly a year, with 3-4 break-ups along the way. She’s the type who turns something small into drama. After breaking up about two weeks ago, they got back together Sunday, and yesterday was their “One Year Anniversary.” My S cooked her a beautiful dinner and gave her a $300 Apple watch, paid for with his own money from work this summer (had I known, I would have said don’t do it). Later that night she got pissed off about something and broke up with him again. Now, she won’t give him back the watch and says she’s going to put everything else he ever gave her into the trash, including a beloved stuffed animal from his childhood. I’ve stayed out of every issue until now, but between the watch and the stuffed animal, I’m feeling this girl is devoid of common decency and human compassion. One thing is for sure: I will not support any more reunions between these two and she is not welcome in my home ever again. I’ve spent too many nights cradling my boy-man while he sobs in my arms (sweet though it sounds, his pain is deep). Do I otherwise stay out of this or talk to this girl? I feel my S is entitled to get the watch and stuffed animal back.
Stay out. This is not your battle to fight.
(I personally would see the stuffed animal and watch as sunk costs, anyway - the price of a lesson learned, perhaps.)
Since you asked, she sounds like a piece of work, but your son has to realize that on his own. Regarding the watch, no he should not get it back. Yes she is awful, but it was a gift.
Based on your description of her, I’m not sure why either of you would expect her to do the honorable thing and give the items back.
It is possible that the girl’s parents might be able to get the stuffed animal back. The $300 watch may be a lot of money for your son, but is actually a relatively cheap cost for your son to learn an important lesson.
Have him listen to a bunch of Taylor Swift break-up songs.
But more seriously, your S is an idiot teenager (but that is of course redundant). Let this all go - don’t get involved, other than to give your S comfort - perhaps tell him some of your own breakup stories when you were a teen, or help “plan” with him how he could get revenge - the classic “flaming bag” comes to mind.
Remind him its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This hurts, but he will learn from it and will get over it and will be a better person for the experience - its all part of growing up.
As for the $300 gift - remind me again of what they say about a fool and his money.
Are you saying that your son is only 18? How old is the girl? Do you know her parents?
No, don’t talk to the girl. Comfort him, don’t say anything bad about her, and help him move on.
I don’t think he should ask for or expect gifts back. If she is not offering, it shows her character. (I doubt she would give them back and then she would ridicule him for you having intervened.)
Keep in mind, he chose her, kept choosing her, and she is likely to come back into your lives, since he is somehow drawn to her drama. While you are right about her, it will be very awkward if and when they get back together if you have been bashing her. Speak to him instead about the need to be with people who value him and build up his life rather than cause pain because they are unstable.
By the way, a vaguely related lesson that we learned the hard way: When the time comes get prom photos of your child by themselves or only with casual friends that they are NOT dating.
It’s so hard when someone hurts your kid. Sending you hugs, @Slurpee64, and wishing you the wisdom, compassion, and patience you need to help your S18.
This.
Actually, if you could find it within yourself to dial back a little bit on the comfort and emphasize the last sentence above, he might be better off.
Whatever you do, don’t talk to the girl.
Learning how to break up and move on is a good life skill imo.
^yes. Experiencing any kind of break up, loss, failure and learning how to move on is definitely a part of life.
Don’t talk to the girl. Let him do it if he wants.
But I would talk to son about what a healthy relationship looks like. How people should treat each other. That people in healthy relationships don’t spend their time in constant drama and stress, fighting and causing pain to one another.
That some people get an emotional high from the drama (like his GF appears to) but that doesn’t mean you have to be the punching bag. Respect yourself first.
And decent people treat another with respect even if they end up breaking up. (Because hopefully he’ll date quite a few times and ending things gracefully is a good thing to learn)…
Another vote for not contacting the girl (or her parents). Provide a crying shoulder and offer unconditional love and support but stay out of it.
I wouldn’t contact the girl. And I think the watch and stuffed animal are hers (they were given as gifts – if you expect them back at some point if things go south, you shouldn’t give them). These are issues that people need to learn on their own. You can give them guidance and support but they have to figure them out. And its easy for parents to say the kid will have other breakups (more fish in the sea type stuff) and be civil and respectful and all of that. But much tougher for 18 year old with first major breakup.
Google teen dating abuse websites to get some ideas about how to teach your child what a healthy relationship should look like.
Agree, don’t get involved or talk to her. Do talk to your son about healthy relationships. Explain the difference between being in love with someone and being in love with the idea of being in love. Have a talk about people who bring out the best in you and people who bring you down. This is a growing opportunity for him.
My daughter broke up with a boyfriend (I did a happy dance) and he wanted several things returned. I packed them up and mailed them myself (long distance romance). It was stupid stuff like his t-shirt and graduation tassel. He actually sent me an email about 9 months later with things he ‘thought I should know’ about her new romance.
I know D was in contact with his mother at the time of the break up. The parents (and boyfriend) had come to D’s graduation and then D went on a vacation with them, breaking up with him at the end (I’d told her and them NOT to put so much effort into this trip, that they were in high school, that this could all end are they were going to college). His mother was sympathetic, but I think she was secretly glad about the break up too.
If you know the parents, I would contact them and say it is unfortunate about the break up but these two items back, but in the end it is just stuff. I’m pretty sure we are going to lose everything in hurricane Irma this weekend (all our household goods are in storage in Florida) and in the end they are just things and it doesn’t do any good to worry about them.
Poor kid. I feel $300 is a small price to end this relationship.
Here’s a quote from Thornton Wilder which helped me a lot in my youth:
"When God loves a creature he wants the creature to know the highest happiness and the deepest misery. He wants him to know all that being alive can bring. That is his best gift. "
Regardless of your religion or absence of it, this says there’s intrinsic value in heartbreak.
@Slurpee64 I just wanted to add that I am totally in sympathy with your temptation to contact the girl and get back his things. Mamma Bear roars! 
I’d be tempted myself. But alas, you really shouldn’t.