Kids with "entitled" attitudes -- are they the result of ... ?

Parent Cafe
1

Kids with “entitled” attitudes – are they the result of upper middle to upper class upbringing where all of the kids’ wants were provided with the parents never saying “no, that is too expensive”?

By “entitled” attitudes, I mean the all-too-familiar stories of kids posting complaints about how their upper middle to upper class parents will not pay for their expensive dream college(s), and will disqualify the kid from any need-based financial aid. Sometimes, it seems like college choice will be the first time the kid will face a parental price limit on his/her wants.

2

Nooo, often the kid is like that their whole life from what I’ve seen. At least in my family (my oldest sister.) Why is anyone’s mystery. Sure, some are probably spoiled brats, but some can become brats without the spoiling.

Part of it can be because the kid feels he/she is worth more than the parents can provide. Aka, I have a high SAT/ACT score, high GPA, XXX accomplishments … I’m so great, I’ve worked so hard and am so smart … I should be able to go to [insert elite, expensive school] and since my parents make too much money for me to get enough financial aid, they should pay for it because I’m so wonderful. And the parents either don’t really have the money or don’t wish to spend it all on college for whatever reasons (other kids, etc.)

3

It’s definitely the kid, not the upbringing. I’ve got two equally over-privileged kids. One has an entitlement mentality and the other does not.

4

UCB, you always seem to want quick and complete answers. The truth is, the answer to your questions are almost always “it varies” with no way to generalize.

This is another one of those “It varies. There’s no way to generalize.”
Yes, some kids are certainly like that. OTOH, there are many who are never told “no” and are incredibly gracious and not spoiled at all. And then there are those whose parents are dirt poor, rarely got another above the basics, and are still entitled.

5

Spending too much time on CC.

6

I don’t think “class” has much to do with it. We see entitled attitudes amongst all the classes here on CC. Affluent kids sometimes display it, and low income kids sometimes display it.

I don’t necessarily agree with the suggestion abovt that it is purely the kid. Kids within the same family are rarely raised exactly the same (even tho some parents like to claim that they were).

Maybe in some cases college is the first, or one of the first, time the kids have heard the word, “no”.

UCB, you’d be surprised how many modest income parents still try to buy their kids everything they want. I remember an Oprah show where these very modest income parents were racking up credit card debt to make sure that every EXPENSIVE item on their kids’ Christmas list was purchased. It was shocking. These kids had amazing Christmas lists, and these kids were too old to believe in Santa. They were completely clueless that their wants were well beyond even what a middle or upper middle class parent would be buying their child.

I know such people do exist because my in-laws had a modest income, yet my MIL made sure that each of her EIGHT children got EVERY item on their Bday and Xmas lists (and they had extensive lists, too). Crazy.

7

Entitlement isn’t just about tangible goods. I see lots of entitlement regarding privileges. I also see lots of entitled kids from lower socioeconomic levels. I attribute it to parenting style. Parents encourage kids to make choices from a very young age, choices that I didn’t feel young children had the experience or thought processes to make.

When you allow a toddler to rule the roost, you’re setting yourself up for issues later in life. JMO

8

Sometimes, college choice is the first time that a kid becomes aware of how the family finances affect his own options.

Parents often don’t share information about family finances with their children. Some go out of their way to keep the information private. Then suddenly, when college time rolls around, they can’t keep it to themselves anymore. And then some kids learn that they can go to any school they want to, while others learn that they can’t.

Also, in some instances, parents themselves don’t understand the financial limitations they may face at college time until their kids are very close to college age. They may have assumed that their kids could go to any college and that the finances would work out, and they may have inadvertently said things to their kids that led the kids to share this belief. Then, when reality kicks in, the kid may feel that he was lied to.

It’s not always a matter of entitlement.

9

This is a tough one. Like @gmt007 , I also have one of each.

Now mr. Entitled is S1. Maybe that is it? The oldest gets spoiled, the next one gets what’s left?

Both have birthday/holiday lists, but then S1 doesn’t really care what he gets. S2 says stick to the list and nobody gets hurt! And why didn’t I get x? It was on the list! In other words, the whole list and nothing but the list. But he also is a giver, S1 also doesn’t care about gifts outgoing either.

S1 definitely is entitled with privileges. At 17, he pushes back on curfews, calling to let us know he is on the way home, ect. S2 is fine with rules. But S1 is super independent and trustworthy. S2 totally needs rules/structure.

S1 is a dictator. He has been since birth! S2 goes along, gets along.

S1 asks for a Ferrari, in jest. But is entitled when it comes to spending the $250k on college. S2 says mom can pick the school and he’ll just go there. He could care less. He asks for vintage video games (collector) and doesn’t care to spend a fortune on college.

They were raised differently, for sure. But they were also born this way…and of course I spoiled them bc I grew up poor:).

In short, mostly my fault, and some part their personalities!

10

I think entitlement comes from not internalizing gratitude from a very early age. My husband grew up poor, but he just never learned to be grateful and appreciative. I was also raised poor, but my mother would literally walk around the house singing “count your blessings, count them one by one” every day and do it. So we learned from the cradle to notice, identify and appreciate every good thing, no matter how small. I made it my goal as a parent to teach my kids gratitude and appreciation. Believe me, they have other issues and have yet to cure cancer or broker world peace, but you will never meet people who get more joy out of small blessings and who know how to show their appreciation. I truly believe that a grateful heart is the key to overall happiness. If a person is “entitled,” then nothing will ever quite measure up. My husband is that way. He was taught to focus on the negative and complain about it, excuse and blame about it, and the happy things slip by him unnoticed, so he never experiences the joy of those things.

11

For some the ultimate first “No” comes when they are denied admission to their dream school. I would not want to be an adcom at a top 20 university the day after decisions go out.

12

^this is the day I dread. I’ve tried to prep S for “the big no”. But so far, he’s gotten most of what I think would have been early lessons in disappointment, (grades, act, summer jobs), so tempering expectations is now very hard!

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I think entitled attitudes are a result of parenting as well as the kid’s mental health. There are kids with low self esteem, anxiety disorders, depression or OCD diagnoses that can contribute to a constant need for affirmation. Outside of those real issues, I think parenting plays a role. Years of failing to set appropriate boundaries or expectations lead to kids who expect more than can be provided.

We set the boundaries very early for our kids; no birthday or Christmas gifts. No birthday parties. We adorned them with time, love and other freedoms with maturity. Under no circumstances did we tolerate tantrums. We’ve only experienced one tantrum per child when they were very young and each never did it again. That was the household we grew up in and what we wanted for our family.

Lastly, patenting is heavily based on teaching by example. I believe that is probably the most important aspect of parenting. If the parents feel entitled, there should be no surprise that the kids feel the same.

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It doesn’t help when the parent keeps telling the child you are better than everybody else and is trying to outdo everybody else. Once a women I know was criticized and told that her kids a very spoiled. She proudly replied “I never say no to my kids and I am proud to spoil them.” Her only requirement from them is they do well in school. Student is smart but not top 10% of her class.
Here is the example.

18th birthday with a 100 school kids at an expensive bowling alley with catered lunch.
High school graduation with 140 kids at their home with valet service and catered dinner.
Another high school graduation dinner with just family.
Another graduation celebration with about 150 family friends for a catered lunch and valet parking.
Graduation trip to the beach.
Graduation tour of Europe for 10 days. (flew business class with a platinum credit card)
A lexus SUV.

Daughter is complaining she doesn’t like the freshman dorm and has to use the hall bathroom. Next year she wants her own apt.

There was no sense of gratitude or appreciation for what she was given. It was taken for granted. Never sent thank you cards for all the gifts she had received. When this child would come over and I would take the girls for lunch or dinner she would take out her thick stack of gift cards or credit card out of her expensive purse and offer to pay for the whole thing. As a parent I insisted on paying for everything but I don’t know - I didn’t like the vibe that I got.

Yes they are wealthy but I am not impressed with their material things. Always offering free tickets for shows. I don’t want to take advantage of anybody and as a single parent I am very budget conscious person. My own child studies in state.

Our instate schools are excellent. So many out of state kids pay a premium price to come to our state schools.
Mom said there was no way she would send her D1 to any of those schools and was knocking them down. These schools are top public schools. She ended up going to another lower ranked state school flying distance away.

Maybe this is the norm these days but I was just turned off by it. I don’t like the we are better than everyone else attitude. Even my own daughter felt it was too much. My daughter has worked every summer the last four years where as this child parents don’t want her to. I felt material things were substituted for time and attention.

When your given all this then I don’t think you appreciate it as much as when you have worked hard for something to attain it. But to each his own. I want my child to value money and live within her means and learn to save. I think that would help her in the long run. At the same time I guess if you have it then you can spend it.

15

Let’s not forget that teenagers usually tend to be self-centered and with a sense of entitlement. Just like toddlers tend to be prone to tantrums. Part of being a parent is dealing with these periods. I’ve known plenty of self-involved teenagers who turned into lovely, kind and very un-selfish 20-somethings.

16

We had a child in our family I considered - and so did others - “entitled”. She expected rewards for no or little effort
She was rarely told “no” by her parents - and when she was, if she whined and moaned long enough, her parents relented.

Of course, this came back to bite everyone involved, in the behind, big-time.

It’s still biting the now-adult child, unfortunately - She was never given the opportunity as a child to understand the difference between wants and needs.

She is an adult now, and is convinced she is poor and destitute. She’s not. She just does not understand how to delay gratification.

As for class differences - this child had affluent parents; but I’ve seen equally entitled kids from low-income households. I think it’s all about understanding limits, wants vs. needs, and learning to delay gratification.

17

Wow, that’s pretty harsh. My kids had birthday month, and they still do as adults.

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@frugaldoctor, this is an interesting approach. How did your kids feel if they visited friends after Christmas and saw presents in their houses? Or if they were invited to a friend’s birthday party? (Did you let them attend and bring a gift, even though they would never get a birthday gift themselves?) And how did you handle the issue of grandparents and other relatives? Did you prevent them from giving your children Christmas and birthday gifts? Did you allow your kids to attend their holiday celebrations? Were there other children there who received gifts from family members at the event, while your kids didn’t?

I can see that there’s merit in decreasing the amount of money spend on Christmas and birthdays (and in decreasing the accumulation of worthless junk), but I also see a lot of issues that might have been challenging to handle.

19

I disagree. Some parents are able to do both.

20

Re: birthdays (sorry to derail the thread, but this is related - I think…)
It would never have occurred to us to not give birthday or Christmas gifts… We did make a point to not go overboard for both.

However, one year, when my daughter was 12, we bought her a little tv and dvd player for her bedroom as a surprise birthday gift. We got a very good deal on it, at Costco - but she didn’t know that! And - she was VERY SURPRISED.

She has rarely asked for anything in particular for her birthday, or Christmas, aside from iTunes gift cards… And we typically did not buy her extravagant expensive gifts for her birthday, especially if we also threw her a party at home. So she was bowled over by the gift. (And she didn’t abuse the privilege of having a tv in her room - mainly used for sleepovers to watch Netflix and DVDs.)

Also, we did occasionally throw the birthday party at our house - it was cheaper and I had her help me plan it, plan the welcome crafts to do, snacks, decorations, etc. I hope that I’ve taught her something about how to entertain on a budget.

I always asked on invitations for the other girls to bring “white elephant” gifts, to all exchange with each other. I didn’t want people to feel put out, or obligated to buy D a gift. Their child’s presence at her party was enough. Besides, we got her a gift, so did her grandparents, so she was good on gifts! Well, you wouldn’t believe the comments I’d get from other patents who thought I was being mean to D in denying her a bunch of gifts. Others appreciated it - and the girls always thought it was fun.

Now, my husband’s parents handled gifts in a very strange - and I feel, counter-productive, almost damaging way. He had two siblings, two younger sisters, and for each child’s birthday, all three of them got the exact same gift. How’s that for making your kids feel special? Apparently, one of the kids whined, once, during someone else’s birthday, and my in-laws felt this was a good solution. My husband says he and his middle sister resented it, and hated their own birthdays, every year, as a result. They also had rigid rules about parties… Apparently, an older cousin had lived with them until she was 18. My MIL threw her a party when she was ten and when she was 16.

So, she made a rule that the other three kids could get a party when they were 10 and 16. My husband, the oldest, asked for a party when he was 8. They said No, because he had to wait until he was ten. So, at ten, his mother had been in a car accident, her arm was in a sling, and she was not up to hosting a kids’ party. So it got postponed until he was… 16. No kidding. He asked for the make-up party at 11, and they said no, had to wait. He never got the party at 16, because when it was offered then, he said he didn’t want it.

And apparently, none of the kids ever got the parties, for whatever reason… I always wonder if MIL would have let the other two kids invite THEIR friends as well to the birthday siblings’ parties.