My one D is the best gift-receiver ever. She is so excited about every little thing that her joy is often a better gift to the gift-giver than the one she received. Last year, for various reasons, I went hog wild with the kids, some big things, some not very big, but all thoughtful and personal. I had the time of my life shopping for her because her interests are so varied and fun. My other D is the queen of practical, so shopping for her is less fun. My son never wants anything, so he sucks the life right out of gift giving. He is not a thing person and appreciates the generosity shown to him, but he could generally not care less about having or not having things.
My older DD has been good with organizing photo books - she did two so far. One for dad/grandparents, and one for grandparents and we bought extra copies. I also did one from a big family gathering and gifted out in addition to keeping a copy for kids and us.
If family has a strong faith/ethics formation that does help keep ‘entitlement’ attitudes down - it doesn’t matter what economic strata one is from if the foundation is there, although it doesn’t guarantee anything when it comes to ind’ls determining how they choose to behave.
Sometimes something is ‘broken’ within a child, and they fall into unhealthy attitudes and behaviors.
@jonri. Those were my 2 kids, and yes, S1 does value Ed more than 2. And a higher tier school would be better than our state u for his career future. I was only pointing out that the entitlement comes in where he has no problem with the $250k part. He has no clue how much that really is. He just knows I can afford it. I think when kids are spending mom/dads money, they should behave in a humble/grateful manner…that’s all.
Good point about being freely spending m/d money but their own…
But isn’t this an uncomfortable way to have to feel? It emphasizes your vulnerability.
If you have to feel grateful for the fact that your parents are giving you food to eat, that reminds you that if they chose not to, you would go hungry.
If you have to feel grateful that they bought you new shoes, that reminds you that if they chose not to, you would have to wear the outgrown shoes that have started to hurt.
With rare exceptions, all the money spent on a child is mom and dad’s money. So a kid would have to feel grateful all the time, and that means reminding yourself constantly that you are utterly dependent on these people for everything you need to survive and that they could choose not to provide those things.
How vulnerable and helpless is a kid supposed to feel?
"Money, gifts, vacations do not spoil our kids or make them feel entitled. It is family upbringing and core values. "
-oldfort
Yes, this. My D has grown up having all of her needs and wants met - we have traveled with her, bought her a few nice things as gifts, sent her to summer camp, been able to pay for her EC activities… yet, she rarely wants or asks for anything. I think that’s because we’ve always said in front of her that we are fortunate and blessed, and we appreciate and are grateful for what we have - and that what we have is more than enough.
She also has set aside some of her allowance money, from a young age, to give to charity, and some to save.
She offered to pay for all of her prom expenses this past spring from her savings - I suggested she pay half, and I’d pay the rest, so that’s what we did.
I have to nag her about a few things, but managing money and her expectations is not one of them.
I don’t need S to be grateful for his food or shoes. A check for $60+ every year is a big “extra” though.
Hyperbole much. No new shoes or outgrown shoes that starts to hurt.
How about 8 pairs of new shoes because they can’t make up their mind which one they like?
@Marian, food and shoes are basic necessities. Of course, parents should be expected to provide those to their children.
However, a more expensive college is NOT a necessity for obtaining a bachelor’s degree - it is a luxury and a privilege. So, if Mom and Dad are spending more for that privilege - when the child could simply attend an in-state school, or a school on a scholarship - then, yes, the child should feel grateful.
Really? You have a problem with kids feeling grateful for the things provided to them by their parents?!
That’s how entitled behavior is fostered - by a lack of gratitude and over-inflated sense of self-worth (i.e., feeling invincible vs. feeling “vulnerable”)
My D thanks me all the time for doing little things for her, that, honestly, are somewhat my duty as a parent - giving her a ride to after-school stuff, making her favorite dinner, etc. My husband and I thank each other for little things, too. And we mean it.
Gratitude and humility help foster empathy with others, imo. Empathy helps us see ourselves as more equal to others. How can that be a bad thing?
That’s kind of what I mean…thanks for helping me tease it out. It’s not about being grateful per se. It is about recognizing the cost and sacrifice.
It doesn’t bother me that he does not “pretty please” me every 2 months when he needs a new pair of running shoes. He sees me spend quite a bit on shoes and clothes and knows I would not deny that bc a new pair just means I get one less that month. (Not really, but you know what I mean).
$250k is a chunk, and will require me to work another x years or so prior to retirement. There are sacrifices (Jimmy Choo), and SACRIFCES (xx extra months of work!)
I just want him to “get it”. He doesn’t have to show gratitude, just understanding of the cost.
Is it always good not to ask for the things that you want?
How would you feel if you found out that your daughter wanted something that you would have been happy to provide, but she didn’t get it because she didn’t ask for it?
When I was 11, we moved into a new home, and the lighting in my room was not very good. I had trouble doing my homework at night because it was hard to read. I needed a desk lamp, but I didn’t ask for it because I had been taught that it was ungrateful to ask. So I just tried to do my homework before it got dark, and if that wasn’t possible, I struggled to do it in the poor light.
From my perspective as an adult, I know that my parents would have been happy to provide a desk lamp if they knew I needed it. But as a child, I didn’t know that. I just knew that I wasn’t supposed to ask for things.
How would you feel if you found out that your daughter didn’t ask for something like this because she had been taught to be grateful for what she had and not to ask for more?
I think that’s more hyperbole. Perhaps something is not right in the household.
My D readily lets us know of things she NEEDS - like a new desk lamp, if hers is broken, if we need printer ink, or if she only has two pairs of pants left that fit her - something that actually occurred, recently. And I dropped her off at the mall to buy pants…
I’m talking about things she WANTS, and does not need - like more money on her iTunes account, for instance. She’ll ask for that on her birthday or Christmas, but generally not at other times.
She sometimes will ask if we can go eat out at a favorite place of hers. We usually comply. Sometimes, she asks to eat out and I say, No, however, because I plan on cooking or we don’t have time, or have other things to do.
But she basically knows the difference, at age 17, between a need and a want. She’s not afraid to ask for either.
I don’t know why you were not comfortable asking for adequate light in your room as a child - and that may go beyond the topic of needs vs. wants, as being discussed in this thread.
@BeeDAre, I was 11 at the time of the lighting problem. At that age, I didn’t understand the distinction between a want and a need with the clarity that a 17-year-old would. I just knew that I was supposed to be grateful for what I had and not ask for more.
Yes, I do, based on my own childhood experiences. I have a lot of trouble with it.
If you have to feel grateful for something, that means you’re not entitled to it. I think kids should feel entitled to have some things. They shouldn’t have to feel grateful for everything.
This thread has been talking about kids with “entitled” attitudes. But I think that a limited degree of feeling entitled is a good thing. It’s only when entitlement gets out of hand that it’s a problem.
I would have been a lot better off if I had felt entitled to have a desk lamp, which is something my parents could easily have paid for. But I never felt entitled to have anything, and I think this was due to the intensity with which my parents taught the idea that I was supposed to be grateful to them.
I hope I did better with my own kids.
Some kids do look outside their circle of friend/family/social economic standing to see kids that have a lot less. Most kids are aware of those that have more.
Interesting that at HS class reunions, some of the guys are finally realizing so many years later, that many households did not have a rosy life as it looked like from the outside.
Sometimes kids get things, and some things take time. My 19 and 21 YO YA still have missed even making/sending a birthday card to H or me - I use to help them for H, and H helped them for my BD. One didn’t call. H did tell one DD this summer that he was hurt that his BD was missed. She got something for dad that was from both DDs later. That may have made an impression on them to be more adult behaving/caring.
One of my crazy memories from my childhood: We moved during the summer before I started 3rd grade. At the new school, kids brought weekly milk money for a mid morning break, probably 50 cents. I never asked for milk money because I thought we were too poor. If someone who had paid for the milk was absent, the teacher would choose from the 3 or 4 of us that didn’t subscribe. I LOVED the chocolate milk which was such a treat. The following year, my younger sister started school and from the very beginning, got milk money. I finally spoke up and my mother said that of course I could have milk money. Just because we had 6 kids in the family and didn’t waste money, we weren’t poor.
The sad end to this story: drinking the too rich chocolate milk daily instead of intermittently caused me to get a severe rash on my arms so I had to give it up. Sixty years later, I have a food sensitivity and get arthritis-like pain in my joints if I have too much chocolate.
I think many parents just dont discuss financial issues with their kids and the kids are truly naive. They dont have a clue about the “cost” of college to the parents and if parents havent talked about it, the kids may be surprised when parents say they cant afford X school. Someone might say thats an entitled attitude, but it may be that the kid is immature and really doesnt understand.
I grew up in a family where my folks constantly told us how expensive everything was and how lucky we were. We learned early on not to ask for anything. I am not sure we were grateful children; I think we were fearful children. Our parents were constantly predicting gloom and doom.
Thank you, @Bromfield2. This is the point I was trying to make, but you expressed it much more clearly. Your experience sounds exactly like mine.
My Depression era parents raised me to appreciate the little things, and the beauty all around us. My dad was excited that we could all spread as much butter as we wanted on our bread, and not have to use “oleo.” My mom was happy that she didn’t have to eat turnips ever again. Both sides of my family seemed really thrilled to have made it through bad times, and to be living in a better day. Whilile I can’t say that I appreciated all they did for me at the time, I did learn from both their money sense (don’t go into debt) and their generosity. We used to have Fresh Air Fund kids stay with us in our huge home in Asbury Park, NJ. We learned to appreciate living near the ocean when we could see it through the eyes of these city kids.
Our home was large and beautiful but shabby, because the town’s decline rendered these homes affordable for working class families. They furnished the place with garage sale finds, AKA “antiques.” I didn’t even realize that we weren’t rich until I was in high school, and even then I thought my family was great, and never felt deprived of anything.
With my own children, we tried to impart that same joy, and I believe we were successful. We celebrated the little things in life. Christmas and birthday gifts were personal and intended to delight, even if they weren’t pricey (though sometimes they were). As a lot of you have already said, I never felt that my children were ungrateful or entitled, and they’ve always expressed their gratitude. And even their wealthier friends always loved our modest home, because it’s got a welcoming feel, with "cool old stuff " in it.
I would contrast this with my DH’s cousins, who seemed to always remind their kids that they couldn’t afford “designer” clothes, among other things.So they’d buy obviously cheap clothes that were seriously ugly. I got a weird vibe that they were proud of their “poverty” or that they were somehow punishing their children for straining the finances, or maybe trying to teach the kids to be humble. Because at that time, and even now, you can find affordable clothes that don’t stand out as being cheap. Those kids didn’t grow up to be entitled, but they didn’t grow up to be successful, either.
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When I was 11, we moved into a new home, and the lighting in my room was not very good. I had trouble doing my homework at night because it was hard to read. I needed a desk lamp, but I didn’t ask for it because I had been taught that it was ungrateful to ask. So I just tried to do my homework before it got dark, and if that wasn’t possible, I struggled to do it in the poor light.
From my perspective as an adult, I know that my parents would have been happy to provide a desk lamp if they knew I needed it. But as a child, I didn’t know that. I just knew that I wasn’t supposed to ask for things.
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That just means that there was some miscommunication somewhere. We weren’t supposed to “ask for things,” either, but if we needed something for school or homework, we knew it was ok to ask.
The idea of “not asking for things” was really in regards to “extra clothes,” and “extra toys” at non-bday and non-Christmas times. If we outgrew our shoes, we knew we could ask for new ones.
When parents say, “don’t bother me now, I’m busy,” that doesn’t mean that you don’t bother them when the house in on fire.