Kind of "unique" essay...

<p>Hello everyone. I was wondering what you guys thought about my essay. I haven't finished it, but this is what I have so far. It's about walking to school...Kinda weird, I know. Keep in mind that it needs a LOT of work and revision. All comments are welcome! They won't hurt my feelings, really. I wrote this in like 25 minutes. It's a rough draft.</p>

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<pre><code>All of the schools I have ever attended have been within one half mile of my house. So, for the past 13 years I have taken the same exact route every morning at 7:45. Out the door, down Pala Avenue, left on Highland, cross at the intersection (the Oakland one, not the Blair one), take a right down Magnolia, and you're there. The only thing that has changed in this custom is that my Mother no longer has to accompany me to Elementary School.

Winters are the best. The crisp November air swirls the fallen golden brown leaves. I walk, deeply inhaling the brisk air with a sense of tranquility. While on my way, I notice the old white Land Rover, the one with the cracked and peeling paint, packed to capacity with everything imaginable papers, cases of soda, old straw hats, and what somewhat resembles an old record player. The lady with the Golden Retrievers walks by. Her older one trots merrily along, the other (a small puppy) is too young and gets tired during her long walks. She has to put him in a baby stroller. When I pass the community church, I can see all of the tiny second and third graders, just exiting their early-morning Spanish class with Senora Rosa. I round the corner now, passing the old Veterans Hall where I old ladies perfume can be smelt wafting out the windows. This time is my last vestige of liberty until the sounding of the school bell, when all of the students apathetically wander their way to class. I savor this time, wanting it to last forever, or at least until after first period – AP French.

This routine has given structure to the start of my day, and as a result, the rest of my day seems to run smoother and more enjoyably. It is like a diving board & you don't need it to get into the pool, but it is so much more fun to use it and have a clean entry, rather than a chaotic splash.
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<p>I have realized that through this unexceptional and unremarkable practice, I have learned to look forward to mornings, and thus now look forward to the start of School each day. This is not only the beginning school, but the beginning of each day. Each day, I have found, is a new opportunity; an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to love; and which I have grown to love, and through it I have learned to grow.</p>

<p>I think your writing is good, and you are a great story teller, but this is pretty much all I get from it. None of your personality comes out from it other than that you are observant. It would be much better if the reader had a sense of who you are and what you are like. I the whole point of a personal statement is to be personal. I usually don't comment on essays because I would hate to give people wrong advice, but this is one thing I am pretty sure about. I hope this helps, and good luck!</p>

<p>Thanks for your help! Other people that I have had read this have also commented on that too. Hmmm...Does anyone have any ideas on how I could make it reflect me more? Thanks!</p>

<p>To reflect you more, you could write about why you like winters best rather than about what you observe in winters.</p>

<p>Thanks! auntannie - as for wour concern, I thought that through explaining positive aspects of winter, I was showing how I liked them. How would you change it?</p>

<p>I think it would be helpful to post the essay topic, however it does seem like your story telling, like if you were going to tell us about a day that didn't fall into your routine.</p>

<p>Actually, there is no essay topic. It's for the common app essay "topic of your choice". I just felt like doing a little "slice of life" essay.</p>

<p>I think what you need to do is tell the reader more about you in the second paragraph. The part that I think needs work is in between " While on my way," and "This time is my last vestige of liberty .." Everything before and after that is very good. I just think that in the six sentences in between those two phrases you are missing an opportunity to tell the reader more about yourself.Yes, I did understand that you like winter best, but your observations on your walk to school didn't tell me much about you. After " While on my way, " you could describe one thing you saw one day or something you see everyday and and how it made/makes you feel. Is there anything you can write about that walk in winter that will make the reader know you a little better? You are almost there!</p>

<p>Thanks! Ill try to make it reflect "me" more. Ill post a revised one soon...</p>