lack of high school friends

Hey there,

I’m just curious to see if I’m the only one here who kind of lacks a social life? I talk to a lot of people at school, but I don’t really hang out or text my friends. I hung out with two friends like six times so far this summer (would’ve hung out more, but I had to do ACT prep).

Is it weird that I don’t really mind not having a social life during high school or several friends? I feel like a lot of people tend to be more on the shallow end; I’m not trying to generalize anyone here, but I’m a girl, and the majority of girls at my school are two-faced and gossip/backstab a lot.

I also don’t fit into a specific group - I don’t play sports. I don’t play an instrument, participate in theatre, or sing in the choir. I’m also not a nerd - I would consider myself average among the smart people in my grade. I don’t have high As in every class. I’m not on math team and I’m not good at sciences. I’m also not really wild - I don’t vape, smoke, party, drink, etc. I don’t gossip about other people. I’m not super social, and I don’t go to homecoming or dances (mainly because I feel that they are a waste of time and money, and I’m not a fan of dresses or heavy makeup).

I wouldn’t consider myself antisocial - I’m actually pretty friendly to people at my school, and I do talk to people. I just don’t feel like I fit in any group - friend or social, at my high school.

It’s one of the main reasons I can’t wait to go to college. Since everyone in college has to choose a major, you’re automatically placed in a group where you can find people who have the same interests as you. There are groups on campus for specific ethnic groups (correct me if I’m wrong, but I think there are fraternity and sorority groups for specifically Asians and other groups??). And if I get to attend a top college, I would be placed with (mostly) successful, driven students who share the same passion as me!

And it’s not like I think that I’m above everyone else. I just haven’t found people that exactly fit me.

Feel free to share similar experiences/feelings and tips :slight_smile:

What you’re feeling is pretty common with many Asian kids. I think nowadays with the internet and social media, a lot of kids lock themselves up in their room all day and night. I dont think my kid ever went out once on weekends with anyone in HS, not for a movie, not for any school activities, not for hanging out, nothing. His outlet was 24 Hour Fitness. And this is at a HS that is 3/4 Asian. Even when he was with marching band, he never once went out after performances even though it was a common thing.

The weirdest thing is that he has so many of his classmates going to the same school but he doesn’t want to room with any of them, and apparently no one wanted to room with him either.

@ProfessorPlum168 Hmm, that’s interesting. I wouldn’t say that I lock myself up in my room all day and night though - I keep myself busy by doing things outside of school, like learning programming, starting a business with my friends, and doing typical time-wasting things like watching videos and social media (although I limit that).

Your experience is fairly common. I didn’t have a ton of close friends in HS, and people I was friendly with had almost identical situations to yours. They’re all thriving in college/life after high school and probably haven’t thought about high school very much. You don’t seem to be too depressed or anxious about your situation—you have your sights set on the future and realize that you’ll find your people in college. So keep doing what you’re doing, you don’t need to be homecoming king/Queen or the coolest kid in school to have a good time.

@ProfessorPlum168 I’m not surprised about your kid’s roommate situation, I think almost everyone I know chose not to room with someone they knew—even though some of those people live together now. Couldn’t tell you why.

If you are content with the way you are and it doesn’t bother you that much, good for you. You do you and live your life. Many people that I know that didn’t necessarily have a big social life in high school ended up still thriving in college socially. This is because you can find people that fit your interests more, choose the college that you go to, expand your circles and explore interests much better than in highs school, and have a greater amount of freedom to do things. When I was in high school, I rarely hung out with people outside of school but I was friendly with most people. I kind of bounced around from most friend groups and was well liked generally.When I started college, I really started developing much more of those closer friendships that share your passions.

Yes many colleges have groups that are dedicated to people from various cultural backgrounds. I joined a couple despite never thinking I would in high school. The organizations and groups they will have will very much depend on the college. For instance a school might have a cultural club but not have a corresponding greek multicultural group. Being at a good college means that you will find highly driven people like you, but it will depend on the college still for the personality and vibes the college gives off. For instance one college may have a heavy party scene, while another has a major city to explore, while another is focused on its campus community and community service. They are not mutually exclusive of course, but they are different so it is something to look out for in the college search.

Also another benefit of college: you get to relax a bit! HS for me was about doing a lot of great things I was passionate about, but also the added pressure of continuing to do those things and taking a demanding courseload in order to prepare for college. But college, while having its own challenges, means you can take it more at your own pace and can pick and choose when, what, and how you do things.

I went through a similar thing just like you even though I changed towards the end of high school. I didn’t really see myself belonging to any specific friend group in high school. I spent a lot of my time studying or doing EC’s. After May of senior year, I realized that I grew really close to a lot of people even though I wasn’t expecting it. I still keep in touch with these friends and one of them was even my freshman year roommate! In the end though, I feel that college has given me a much larger friend group than I ever would have imagined.

While you’re still in high school, take the time to appreciate the people you already know. I still keep in touch with my high school friends and I meet them once or twice every break. Don’t worry about not having significant friendships at the moment, you’ll be bound to make lifelong friendships in college! Hope this helps and best of luck!

Don’t worry. You’ve done much more socially than I have during this summer. Because I moved the previous summer, the bonds I’ve made over this past year have mostly been acquaintances, basically the type of people that would like your social media status, but wouldn’t want to hang out with you 1 on 1. Before the move, I had a big group of friends that I’d hang out with a few times a year. During the school year, I’ve hung out with only one person one time, and it was to play soccer for 30 minutes.

If you want to make some more friends, think about some things you’re interested in. Want to learn to play a new sport? See if there’s a league for your age. Want to learn a new instrument? See about getting in group lessons. Want to play pool with people your age? Join a club. These are all great ways to meet people, especially considering that this won’t just be limited to people who go to your school.

Do you have extra curricular activities you do? That is one way to meet more people and make more friends if you want to. Depending on what type of colleges you are applying to, that also can enhance your college app.

@simberry2 Thank you for the suggestions! Unfortunately, I’m too busy to do things outside of school ;/

@intparent Yes. I do four clubs - FBLA, CS Club, WYSE (state-wide STEM competition), and robotics team. I did jV swimming freshman year, broke two records, but quit because it took away so much of my time. I did math team both freshman and sophomore year, but I am quitting it because I don’t find any joy in competitive math and would prefer channeling my energy into doing things I actually like. I do have friends there, but just the type of friends that you would chat with if you see them at school.

What I would suggest is to “practice” making friends/doing things with people while you are in HS. Some of the same dynamics will happen in college if you don’t reach out to people somewhat. So practice now…if there is a dance or an event or play or game at school…ask someone you know if they want to go. or ask someone if they want to work on the math homework together. or join a service club where you do things with people. Or ask someone from CS club if they want to create new app.