I have a son like this, and it does scare me when I think about him in college next year. However, his teachers love him (wrote great reccs), he’s pretty charming, scored high on his standardized tests, and always seems to end up with “decent” grades. I’m just going to have to trust him and let go a bit.
You are not alone. My S18 sounds very similar, and I feel frustrated too. I just try to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things his issues are not major ones and that he’ll be fine. But I will really be glad when he is done with college and working. I like to say that he doesn’t “student” well. He’s smart and will do great work on projects that he’s interested in. But the day to day student stuff, not his strength for sure.
Just want to add a few things to my previous post. For young men especially, the brain is still maturing at age 18, and isn’t really done developing maturity until around age 25. Your son is barely past the “juvenile” stage. He just needs time to grow.
Also, you wrote that many kids have ADHD and executive functioning issues and that that is “no excuse.” I think “explanation” is better word. These kids need a level playing field.
Did you encourage him to register with the Office of Disabiities and provide the school with documentation of testing and documentation from a professional? Does he have accommodations (possible ones include reduced course load, extensions on papers, single room, extra advising)? Can you provide a coach/tutor if the school doesn’t?
People with ADHD and executive functioning issues often don’t do as well as your son. My kid cannot handle more than one class at a time and works to keep himself organized. I think he is doing a great job.
Every college kid I know has that same sleep schedule and classes later in the day.
Finally you wrote that his “lack of focus” is “driving” you “nuts.” Do you realize that ADHD and executive functioning issues MEAN difficulty focusing? If your kid had epilepsy would it drive you nuts? These are brain issues. NOT his fault.
The buying and selling of ADHD meds is the biggest concern in your posts. This could land him in trouble. If he cannot keep meds in a locked box and not share them, I don’t know what the solution is. He probably needs the meds from time to time to finish something. But if he cannot be responsible (and there is no way for you to know really, if he promises to be responsible) then perhaps he just cannot have any meds. Or talk to a psychiatrist about some of the other options for medication that are in the system longer term and don’t give that obvious boost.
At this age, and with these challenges, we parents have to keep a difficult balance between giving them space and helping or intervening. I think you are well within your parental rights to deal with this med issue, and also to make sure he is at least registered with the Office of Disabilities (after that it is up to him whether to talk to professors and use accommodations.)
I agree with the others. He has a 3.2 gpa, is doing what he’s supposed to in college. Keeping up and doing pretty well.
I have a son with ADHD and EF issues. Wasn’t doing well like your son, but graduated. He’s now 26 and doing well.
I’d back off, let his roommates take care of the sloppy issues, it will mean more coming from them. Life and consequences. I would just focus on maintaining a good relationship with your son, he’s doing what he’s there for!
This post is interesting to me. I’m surprised that everyone finds this totally normal and acceptable. I do think it’s true that many college guys are like this, but I’m also of the mind that as a college sophomore, presumably in second semester, it’s time to grow up a bit.
Are you paying for everything? In your shoes, I’d insist he gets a job for the semester. I’d also ask him to keep you updated on what steps he’s taken to secure some kind of meaningful summer position. These days, college sophomores should have something solid lined up for summer.
I do agree with others that his messiness and lax attitude is his own issue and there’s not a lot you can or should do about it. If he wants to party, so be it. But make your expectations clear. How he fulfills them is up to him.
I personally would make it clear to him that he can be as lazy and messy as he likes as long as he is doing what you expect him to do. You pay, you get a say.
@Lindagaf Isn’t that a little bit harsh? He has ADHD so it is tough for him to be organized, mature and ambiguous. Or do you think that people use ADHD as an excuse for kids/adults to be irresponsible and immature?
I agree with @Lindagaf’s reply and can see where OP has legitimate concerns.
The OP stated her S has mild ADHD and that he’s capable of doing more. I’m going to assume that she knows her son better than any of us do.
I agree with insisting he has summer work lined up and that a small school year job could help. The other option would be getting involved in some academic clubs to bolster the resume.
Also in the camp that if you are footing the bill, you can have some expectations for grades and commitment.
I have a D the exact same age and I would be very unhappy if she was sleeping until noon and focused on partying. That’s not why we are footing an almost $200k higher education.
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Nope, @collegehuh . I don’t think it’s harsh. He’s got a manageable condition and he has to be responsible for managing it. He isn’t going to have his parents around all his life, making sure he’s being responsible. They aren’t going to be keeping tabs on him in his future job.
He can find some kind of campus job. He can look for summer positions. That is not unreasonable at all for a college sophomore, regardless of ADHD or not. In what way is it harsh to have reasonable expectations for our kids? Barring some truly debilitating condition, I think it’s fair.
ETA: my son is dyslexic and dysgraphic. He’s a freshman at college. We have told him that if he wants to pursue extended test time, etc… it’s up to him to do it. He knows what he has to do, and hasn’t done it yet. His grades are decent, with 2 A’s and 2 B’s his first semester. I guess he thinks he is managing fine without accommodations. It’s his responsibility now.
OP: Maybe it would help if you mentioned to your son that messiness indicates a lack of respect for himself and for his roommates.
Oh, my gosh, OP, your son is doing great. I would have given anything if my oldest had done that well. I would not bug him - you will just push him away.
My husband is a neat freak now. His four siblings can’t believe it - they all say he was such a slob in his early 20s! Guys grow up (well, most of them).
If he’s caught selling drugs on campus he could get arrested and/or expelled. I think a drug arrest has to be acknowledged on other college apps, some job applications, and on federal aid forms too. I don’t know if the wording is “arrested” or “convicted,” but I would find that more concerning than a 3.2 GPA and a messy dorm room.
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Just wanted to review OP’s concerns: 1) Not doing extra stuff like turning in assignments early or going to extra study sessions 2) sleeping until noon 3) messy. She didn’t say he was focused on partying. As for 1 and 2, he’s going to his classes and getting a 3.2. She has reasons for not asking him to get a job now, including the fact that he’s taking 17.5 credit hours, and there is no mention that he has resisted getting a job now or over the summer or is not meeting her expectations on that front.
As for the drugs, glad someone brought it up. From what I hear this is RAMPANT on campuses and I think the kids do think it is very normal/harmless/no big deal/everyone does it. Not that that makes it any less illegal, code of conduct prohibited, and a bad idea in so many ways. This honestly sounds like a tough problem, maybe worth another thread. Mom is trying to manage with low quantities, son is trying to manage the best times to utilize his meds for himself.
So, a few thoughts:
- Teens and 20-year-old normally and naturally go to sleep later and wake up later (scientists have researched this; maybe there's an evolutionary advantage). After 40, he will wake up early like old people do. When I was in college, if I had no restrictions, I would sleep 3AM or after and wake up around noon. Now I find it easier to wake up at 6AM than to sleep until noon. Why fight against nature for no discernable gain?
- Ultimately, you can't live his life. Only he can. Ask him what he wants out of life. Does he have goals? Does he have a dream life? They probably won't be your goals or your dream life, but assuming that you don't need him to provide for you, they don't have to be. Back him wholeheartedly on reaching those goals. But explain that no matter the goal(s), to live his dream life requires dedication and sacrifices and almost always hard work. He is the only one who can live his life. He's master of his own destiny.
Why set goals and try to reach them? Why not play XBox all day? Because of the feeling of accomplishment you get when you set a goal that you think is at the limit of your potential and you reach it. And because of the growing he will do when he strives for that. Also potentially financial rewards, independence, all that good stuff. Will playing XBox help him reach the dream life that he wants? I would ask him that.
About his dream life: It has to be his own. Not what you want or expect from him. Not what society expects from him. What HE wants. He may not be willing to confide to his mom, especially since (IMO), you come across as pretty judgemental with strong ideas of what is proper/good (which probably aren't his ideas). But ask him to think about it. He doesn't have to tell anyone. But he should think about the life he wants to have and how he wants to apply his abilities a decades, 2 decades, 3 decades from now. How would he reach his dream life?
Regarding the 3.2 GPA:
I don’t have a problem with aiming high.
Obviously, a higher GPA opens more doors (and a lower GPA closes doors) in certain areas of life. In others, it doesn’t make a difference.
But the drive has to come from within. He should explore all that is out there and the potential places he could go in life. Then figure out how to get there.
He just transferred, has 17.5 credit hours and before that went abroad for a semester, he can mange things on his own.
Us parents worry too much and are always ready to meddle. Good intentions aren’t permit to run someone’s life. He is healthy, happy and managing school. That’s 90% of the battle, hopefully rest of the 10% will come in time but he’ll be perfect with or without perfection.
Again, in this situation I would have him meet with a psychiatrist to get a different treatment protocol for his ADHD. There is no way he should have the kind of stimulants that the other students want, even if they help him function acacemically, until he can handle them responsibly and legally.
If he is over 18 the parent may have little control over this. I would be concerned.At least he is not lying or hiding this practice.
Students get a lot of peer pressure once peers find out they have ADHD and have meds. The meds need to be in a locked box and the student needs to be strong in not sharing.
There is a big problem if the parent is doling them out 10 at a time.
I agree with @Lindagaf, the behavior you described is not at all acceptable. All of the behavior you described is not normal and needs to be addressed.
ADHD is an excuse, and it may not even be a real disorder, at the least it is heavily overdiagnosed.
So lets dive into the facts on ADHD
Did you know that for people under 18, more drugs are prescribed for ADHD than all other prescriptions combined. That includes ALL prescriptions!!
From the CDC:
“3 million children ages 12-17 have been diagnosed with ADHD”
There are roughly 25,000,000 people age 12-17 in the U.S.
12% of people 12-17 have been diagnosed with adhd, and that number rises every year.
Now, for people over 18, only 4% have been diagnosed with adhd.
Usually, the precent-of-diagnosed of a chronic disease sharply increases with age, as there is obviously more time.
That means teens have triple the rate of ADHD than people above 18.
The truth is that ADHD is all or mostly made up, it’s just an excuse that the prescription drug companies are profiting off of. They are screwing American children and parents, and it is unfortunate. They want you to think that something is wrong with teens’ brains; the media spews this conspiracy theory every day. What comes to mind when you hear the word “teenager”? I have a feeling it is someone who is lazy, dumb, disrespectful, naive, and moody. But teens aren’t naturally like that; they have just become that way because of the toxic culture surrounding them. There is nothing naturally wrong with teens or their brains, but our toxic culture has produced something horrible; Adolescence, and it gets worse every day.
You have all been lied to, I’ve seen some lies already in this thread. Teens are perfectly fine; their brains function properly; they do not have some problem. You all probably think that teenagers are still little children that need to be treated like children. You couldn’t be any further from the truth. Teenagers are physically and mentally equipped to be fully-functioning adults once they are mostly through puberty. Humans are designed to become adults at puberty; this is the way it worked for thousands of years. If teens weren’t able to function as adults, none of us would be here today because the human species would have died off.
In over 100 cultures today, there is no adolescence; children transition straight into adulthood. There isn’t even a word for adolescence. There is no “teen turmoil” that you see in the west in these cultures. This is the way it should be.
Three main systems caused this unnecessary stage in our life, Child Labor laws, Compulsory Education, and the Juvenile justice system. All 3 are broken systems that have ruined the child-adult continuum.
There is also a theory that the brain isn’t developed until age 25. But this is misleading. If someone has to make many executive decisions at a young age, their prefrontal cortex (executive functioning center) will be developed at a young age. If someone doesn’t use this portion of their brain, it will take longer to develop. It’s like learning math. If someone practices math intensively everyday, they will gain math skills earlier than someone who does not practice math everyday. Just because the average person may develop algebra skills at 13, it is dependent on when and how much they practice algebra. The brain works the same, if someone makes executive functioning decisions everyday, their executive functioning will develop earlier. A 16 year old could have a fully functioning prefrontal cortex and a 30 year old could have an underdeveloped one. Its is not based in age.
For more info on this topic, read Teen 2.0 by Dr. Robert Epstein. Dr. Epstein is an expert in psychology and developmental stages of life and got his PHD at Harvard.
I hope you find a solution with your son. Read the book, it may help you and your son out tremendously. Dr. Epstein talks about how to correct this type of behavior.
I don’t think the OP needs a medical evaluation of her son via the Internet, especially not by a 15-year-old who desperately wants colleges to view them as equivalent in every way to 18-year-old college freshmen. You have a vested interest in making people believe there’s no difference between the brain of a child and that of a fully functioning adult. It’s not us you need to convince. It’s all the college adcoms who you have to persuade that your rationale for rushing through 3 years of high school material in 9 months was a mature decision.
While you wait for your decisions you may want to read up on child labor laws. There are reasons we no longer allow 10-year-olds to toil for 12 hours a day in a factory. Not that it would affect you either way since you come from a wealthy family, but it wouldn’t hurt you to try to understand the reasons behind the laws.
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What is unacceptable? He may be capable of higher grades, but what time he wakes up in the morning? Is that really something a parent of a college student should dictate? A parent has no control over that with a college student, nor can they force the kid to go to talk to a professor (and no way to determine if they actually do that or not).
What do you suggest she do @Lindagaf if he is not meeting all of these expectations? I didn’t see anything in your post about how to “make” him do so. I don’t think the OP wants him to leave school to earn money. If he doesn’t get a internship or other paid job, he won’t have any money to spend and will have a harder time getting a job when he graduates. Depending on the major, it is not that easy to get an internship, especially one that is paid and near home.
That being said, many don’t seem to understand how frustrating it can be to watch a kid underachieve. While ADD makes it harder for the student, it is also difficult as a parent to parse what is due to ADD and what is due to immaturity or laziness. Accepting our kids for who they are, not what we wish they would be, while wanting to help them be the best they can be, is a difficult task.
@mom2and It’s pretty easy to say “If you’ve got time to stay awake all night playing video games, you’ve got time for a job, etc.” And I mean a part time job, maybe ten hours a week, which is typical on college campuses. Sleeping in until noon a couple of times a week is fine, but everyday? I don’t think that’s fine. My kids can do that when they pay their own bills.
It’s not unreasonable to set expectations. This student is a sophomore. He’s been in college long enough to know how to manage his time. He’s at least 19, if not 20.
The parent came here asking if her son was immature, and seemed to wonder if other parents thought this was acceptable, saying she makes no excuses for his mild condition, as she described it. So I feel, yes, he’s immature, no, I don’t think his behavior is acceptable, and there’s a way to mitigate it. Make him get a job. Make him get up and do stuff. If she’s footing the bill, she gets to tell him what’s acceptable and what isn’t, within reason. Getting a job and not sleeping until noon every day is reasonable. If he has a job, it’s a fair bet he’s not going to sleep until noon every day.