When my kids were in high school, we hosted a lot of parties. One reason for doing this was to teach my kids the rules of etiquette. They’d get frustrated when friends would say they were coming and then didn’t. Or when friends wouldn’t commit until the last minute ( and the problems it caused like - how much food should be buy if we don’t know how many will attend? ) It taught them that since they didn’t like it, they wouldn’t do it to others.
Bottom line - it’s rude. Just plain rude.
I think my D and her friends are commitment phobic. Everyone seems to have a “Fear of Missing Out”. They don’t want to make any real commitment because they are watching their phones intently to see what everyone else is doing. This bad/rude behavior seems to dissipate as they grow older and graduate out of HS and college
I feel when people bail at the 11th hour that they were holding out for a better offer.
I once gave a party where I invited 40 people and only 2 showed. That’s the last big party I’ve bothered with, though up until then I’d never had that problem. I once had someone call me about five minutes after the party started to tell me they weren’t coming. At that point, I really, really don’t need to know. I’m doing last minute preparations, welcoming guests and I’ve already cooked your food. It was all I could do not to light into them.
Thanks everyone for your input. It’s helpful to know that this does seem to be a “thing” though most of us have agreed it is just rude.
About the fear of missing out thing (FOMO), I’ve seen that happen at their get-togethers when all of the kids will be watching a movie, but at the same time - all of them will be texting to other people who aren’t at the party! I’ve scolded my kids and told them, if they are hosting guests, then they need to stay off their phones. They whine that their friends are on their phones too, but I tell them I don’t care, it’s their job as a host to be present and attentive for their guests.
Then there are the kids who post photos or videos on social media while they are attending a party - I guess to make everyone who wasn’t invited feel bad?? That one I don’t get at all - “Look at us, we’re having a great time and you’re not here!” ??
Anyway, I guess it’s just something they they’ll have to learn to deal with.
My daughter, fortunately, did have a good time with the small group that showed up. So it wasn’t a total bust.
Many years ago I was invited to a backyard evening picnic by an elderly couple whom I’d met the previous year through events at their church. They had been very friendly to me at the time, even had me to their home for a meal. They were inviting a few others from their church, some of whom I had met before. As I had not seen this couple in a year, I accepted.
My parents were preparing to retire to FL and decided to have a tag sale the day of the picnic. They needed my help. I debated backing out of the picnic, but these people had been really nice to me and I knew they would be disappointed, so I went despite being tired and not feeling particularly sociable after the tag sale.
Their son was there. We talked all evening. The following week he asked me out.
We recently celebrated our 25th anniversary. Our daughter is returning to college next week.
I sometimes wonder what I’d be doing now, if I’d canceled? Glad I didn’t.
@CTmom2018 LOVE that story!
Thanks!
Added benefit: I had in-laws who loved me! Can’t put a price on that.
My husband’s step brother has a second wife that we do not like. She isn’t evil or anything, just self absorbed, and we all love the first wife! My son’s wedding almost 2 years ago was out of state and the entire family made the trip. SIL had her typical scowl on her face during the entire ceremony, and at some point during cocktails, she and BIL leave. We didn’t even know until we were looking for them for pictures. Seems SIL didn’t feel well, code for she didn’t want to be there because it wasn’t her group of friends, so they just up and left!
Fast forward to my daughter’s wedding 11 months later. I get a phone call the morning of the wedding when I am with the bride and bridesmaids while they were getting their hair done. SIL wants to know if the ceremony and dinner are seated as her back is bothering her. She is not sure she can sit in the car for the drive from their mountain home to attending the wedding. They didn’t bother to attending the meet and greet the night before, so I guest they decided to just drive in for the wedding; they have a home here also, so it isn’t like they had to stay in a hotel. Our family actually had a bet as to whether she would come to the wedding, so when the call came in, all I could do was laugh! Of course at this point her dinner is paid for, and I know people get sick, or have emergencies where they can’t attend functions, but this woman only seems to miss events that our family holds. At least this time, my BIL came without her, but he didn’t stay the entire night because he had to go home to be with his wife.
While this woman is rude, we were happy not to have her around!!
We host a lot of parties for the teen/college crowds. My S has learned that if he texts each person individually about two days before, then follows up with each person asking “yes or no” the day before the party, then we get solid answers. I never ask the kids to bring anything, because you could end up without a main course. And we do get some yesses that said no and vice versa but food is planned with that flexibility. (Nothing like 8 steaks for 8 people when 10 show up! :)) I totally agree it is rude. I think most people are just thoughtless and have no clue about the work and expense of giving a party. Entertaining is a bit of a lost art.
But, on the other hand, we love being the fun gathering place for some really awesome kids who will get started talking about something and forget we are there. It is precious to hear their enthusiasm and plans for the future. My husband and I make wonderful cook and wait staff. 
@CTmom2018 Do you think your inlaws had the thought of playing matchmaker when they invited you to that gathering many years ago?
Love your story.
@doschicos, they never said so, but that’s certainly not impossible!
“…we love being the fun gathering place…”
That doesn’t mean expensive or elaborate, but fun. Best social tip I got when mine were little.
I agree…this is a problem with millennials and younger (now called the I-gen). They don’t commit, don’t have the same manners/social rules that we learned and live by. Its sad.
Don’t judge me too much for this…
When D1 was in 9th grade, there was a mean girl who was throwing a back to school party, and she invited all of D1’s friends except for D1. D1 was really upset about it. She asked me what she should do. I said to her, “Why don’t you tell her you may have a party on the same night, but you wouldn’t know for another few days, and you hope she could come.” D1 was very well liked by people at her school and the girl knew it. Well, D1 told the girl next day about her fake party. The girl panicked. She had her mom call me to co-host a party at her house instead of having a separate one. The mom told me not to worry about doing anything. The family was extremely well off, with a pool/cabana and a lot of wait staff.
No judgement here @oldfort ! I admire your creative thinking
My daughter has learned that she has friends she can count on – and those who are unreliable. She tries to pin down the latter when making plans - sending reminder emails and “I-need-to-know-if-you-will-make-it” phone calls for those too dense to get the message.
It’s not just a problem with millennials, but IMO just a general breakdown of any sense of social obligation. My good friend just had a wedding shower for her future daughter in law last week - she told me and most of her close friends about it back in March. I put the date on my calendar then, and made sure that I didn’t have houseguests that weekend, and we planned our family vacation a week later. She had about 30% no shows - most let her know a few days or even a week ahead, but by then she had a certain sized room booked, and the whole thing was organized. The event felt kind of empty and I felt terrible for her. It wasn’t that one person let her down, but the combined number of people missing made a huge impact on the event. People may think that they’re not going to be missed or it’s not a big deal if they blow it off, but every person does make a difference.
We have a few family members and loved ones who are “unreliable.” I do not count on them but sure would prefer if they’d commit. One may not come or come and bring several unannounced guests with him, when he deigns to appear!?!? It’s not an age thing, as he’s done it all his life and he’s over 60 now.
My own parents vacation plans, to fly out day before Thanksgiving dinner at our home, but they both somehow “forgot” to tell me until Tuesday before their departure, even though we spoke frequently, when I called to confirm dinner serving-time. They were our only invited guests, because mom doesn’t like my inlaws, she doesn’t like my friends, and she thinks I “owe her” thanksgiving dinner when she wants it. Otherwise, we’d do Thanksgiving w/friends, not alone. There I was, big turkey defrosted, friends otherwise arranged, and my own parents “no-shows”. That’s my mom in a nutshell.
Generally speaking, I’ve noticed folks treat dinner invites far more casually than years ago, whether young or old.