So my two daughters have had several planned activities/parties in the past couple of years where they text their plans/invites to their friends and they will get a certain percentage that tell them “Yes, I’m available and will be there”, but then at the last minute (the day of the party/activity), at least one and usually more will text and say they can’t come after all for various reasons that to me just seem like excuses.
I feel bad for my daughters when this happens because on a couple of occasions enough people cancelled at the last minute that it was hardly worth hosting the event. This happened last night at my oldest daughter’s college farewell/b-day party - the last chance for her to see her friends before they all head to different colleges for their freshman year. She made a point to go to all of their graduation/birthday parties this summer. My husband and I were ticked off when she got a couple of last minute no shows - one two hours after the party started.
I understand this is a busy time right now for college kids, but, like I said, this kind of thing has happened several times before and it seriously ticks me and my H off.
Is this a common thing? I know rules of etiquette have evolved and are more casual these days - my girls rarely receive paper invites anymore, but IMO this is just plain rude.
My kids have complained of the same thing at school, more for events/activities to attend with friends rather than events they’ve planned. Last minute cancellations, people seem to think it is okay for a variety of not so good reasons. I don’t think it is personal but, yes, unfortunate and inconsiderate. Both have worked/are working on cultivating friendships with folks that like to be active and who they can count on.
I agree that it shows your D who her true friends are and those who are irresponsible and not careful about hurting others. It’s painful and our hearts ache when our kids are badly treated like this. My D has been very fortunate that her friends are pretty good about following through on commitments and don’t tend to back out at the last minute. I have a relative that does this often to me–I try to limit contact and NOT count on her to minimize my aggravation.
This happens all the time. The other day, I was offered 4 tickets to a sporting event. One of my sons lined up 3 friends to go with him and all 3 backed out at the last minute. Son cleaned his room instead of going alone.
I still send paper invitations. I personally take them more seriously than on line invites and texts and hope my guests do as well.
I think it is a lot more common with millennials. My kids know my views on it – you commit, you go. Lots of their friends are more… fluid in keeping their commitments, though.
I don’t want to say it’s extremely common in my age group, but I have found that there are some of my friends who will cancel last minute. Personally what I’ve learned over the years is if a person really wants to come to one of your events they’ll make the full effort too and not cancel right before. I’ve gone out with certain friends a couple of times and I realized one friend would usually cancel about an hour or so before, so I kind of just stopped inviting them out to places. And I wasn’t the only person that would complain about the flakyness of individual. Someone mentioned above how it shows who are/aren’t your D’s true friends and I agree. It’s okay for you to be upset especially since you hosted a party and probably spent money planning for a certain amount of people.
That’s always been the mantra in our family as well. It does lead to a tangential issue with others, however - those folks who waffle on committing until the 11th hour. That is frustrating, too.
I don’t know if it’s a “true friend” thing, a decline of social etiquette, or that friendships are a lot more shallow these days. There was a recent thread about how social media affects friendships and one young man tried to make the point that Snapchat was a great way to deepen relationships - I rolled my eyes - actually I tried three times to compose a nice way to reply “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”, but came up empty handed.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent. Thanks for the replies. I’m glad - or really sad - that we’re not alone in this.
I don’t know if this helps. But when D1 was planning simething bigger and important to her, she’d talk with her friends well in advance. Not invite, but chat. That got some steam going and allowed them to talk about possible dates that worked. Actual invites came later.
My oldest’s friends live up to 30 miles away since she goes to a private school. I understand how that can limit her social opportunities (that doesn’t excuse flaky cancellations though). But my youngest goes to a public school and has local friends and she’s had the same thing happen to her.
I’m hoping my oldest will develop some better and closer friendships in college with people she’ll actually be seeing and living with every day.
I think the ability to text makes people more likely to bail out. It’s “easier” to text a note saying they aren’t coming. Many of these same friends would probably not pick up the phone and call to cancel, if that were the only option.
Technology has made being rude easier to accomplish
I think the ability to text makes people more likely to bail out. It’s “easier” to text a note saying they aren’t coming. Many of these same friends would probably not pick up the phone and call to cancel, if that were the only option.
Technology has made being rude easier to accomplish
Agree with your points, @LeastComplicated. I’d probably couch the issue more along the lines of not knowing how to be a “good” friend rather than “true” friend. These folks may very well genuinely care for you, they just haven’t mastered the etiquette, for whatever reason, to know how to be a loyal and considerate friend.
I had lunch recently with one of my kids’ friends who was in the area. I asked this young adult if they kept in touch with many other kids from their old boarding school. Said person named a few and mentioned that oh yes, they kept in touch - it turns out it was all via the very occasional snap chat exchange. Definitely a generational divide on the definition of keeping in touch.
@LeastComplicated - I actually feel worse for the friend who gave us his season tickets. He wasn’t using them but he could maybe have sold them. He usually doesn’t care, though, what you do with the tickets once he gives them to you and he is incredibly generous. My son was interested in going because he’s only been to a football game once before but it’s not something he would have sought out on his own.
@doschicos - I have a slightly different view. Once I graduated HS in the '70’s, I only kept in touch with 3 people. Of course, if was generally by phone. Within a year, I had a falling out with one and lost all 3 as friends. Recently, I ran into another friend from HS who is a judge I appear in front of occasionally. We don’t socialize or otherwise keep in touch, either. I keep in touch with nobody from college and the only person from law school I am in touch with on any type of basis is my H. I deliberately avoid FB and all other social media as I have no interest in the past. It’s done. This is probably more a commentary on my level of introversion as it is on generational concepts of keeping in touch, however.
If she does want to stay in touch with
hs friends, maybe get together on breaks home, the idea is to work the connection even when they’re all off at college. I think mine did text and FB. Then whatever private message circle it was. At that age, that is their vehicle, when they’re not face to face.
We threw the same college graduation party for both girls and they were 5 years apart. It was a barbecue at a house we rented by their college. D1 sent out a formal invites and received RSVP.s Everyone showed up on time. D2 was more casual, emailed her friends and told them to show up when it was convenient. Only a handful of people showed up for the barbecue. She was kind of upset and so was I. We were just about to call it the day (night), then everyone showed up with their parents and relatives. It was a great party, but it went a lot later than I wanted. In D2’s case, I think she should have been more explicit about the evening.
It they are cancelling last minute for no reason then you are an option for them not a priority. If something better comes up they cancel because they don’t feel loyalty. They aren’t friends they are acquaintances.
