<p>I was in no hurry to marry either, but I did want a boyfriend. </p>
<p>I can remember being in my twenties (okay and younger) and sizing up the men when I came to a new situation. I think that is pretty normal for young, single folks. There were times when there was just no one appealing around, and yes, it did concern me. I married relatively late, have been married for a long time, and now looking back I wonder what was I so worried about. But it did worry me at the time. </p>
<p>Now I think I have more self confidence and, though I have never had to test this theory, would know better where and how to find someone with whom I would be compatible. </p>
<p>And even more of those women have gotten married in the past few years, with marriage equality permitting them to marry whom they want . . . .</p>
<p>My daughter started a relationship with her first real boyfriend when she was 27. They met online, and have a ton of things in common (and not). She told me, “If you are in your mid-twenties, and not dating people, it’s because you don’t want to date, not because you can’t find interesting people to date. The internet makes that super-easy.” </p>
<p>Whoops, I’m 22 and never had an LTR… My parents married met and married in their 30s though, so this has never bothered me. My friend who is a year older than me has told me that his parents complain that they were married by this age and he doesn’t “even have a girlfriend”. </p>
<p>I definitely don’t think this is something that should disconcert a 21 year old like OP’s son. All of what he’s doing now sounds quite normal.</p>
<p>At 21, seven months was a LTR. He just ended it a month ago so it’s normal to feel lost for a while. I’m curious why you label him a late bloomer? Ii seems that would add a lot of pressure. He should be concentrating on becoming the adult he will be. When he’s happy in his life he’ll find the person he’s meant to be with. Have a little faith in him.</p>
<p>I’d focus more on his anxiety issues than anything else. I’ve dealt with anxiety/depression for almost a decade and I know that when I’m off my meds, simple problems replay over and over and over in my head- consciously or unconsciously- and become HUGE demons when they’re really just minor problems. </p>
<p>Is he on any kind of anti-anxiety/depression meds? If not, it might be something that he should talk to his doctor about possibly trying. </p>
<p>My fiance never had a LTR until we started going out (at 20). I was an early bloomer. Bam, his first relationship and he’s marrying me. OTOH, I know plenty of people my age (23) who have never had a LTR. I definitely don’t think they’re late bloomers by any stretch. My parents didn’t marry each other until 27 and 31 (dad and mom respectively). Granted, they were 2nd marriages but they have been happily married for almost 25 years. </p>
<p>If the adolescents and young adults of today are missing out on the experience of “love and passion” for another person, I think that is sad. People of course fall in love at later ages and get married . . but there is simply nothing like young love, and love is never experienced in quite the same way at older ages. If a person is fortunate to fall in love at a younger age . . that first love will in many respects be the most important relationship a young person has ever had . . . preparing them for their future older adult lives, and often those first loves will be the people they never forget. But we live in a society where relationships with other people are tangential to the career goals and aspirations of so many people as reflected on these boards . . . getting into the top schools, getting the most prestigious jobs . . . etc. etc. I.E., the most important aspects of life often play second fiddle to the most superficial aspects of life that are promoted by a society where academic and career achievement and prestige are given far more importance then they deserve. In the end . . none of that stuff matters. So I get the anxiety part. The student is recognizing that he is missing out . . so far. But at only 21, he still has plenty of time.</p>
<p>^ I agree. That is the reason why I was so happy to learn that DS had been dating with someone now. Hopefully they could get along and will have a LTR. (He is older than 21 though.)</p>
<p>DS said at one time that he was missing out in his UG years and he wants to devote some of his time and energy to this aspect of his life before he “becomes too old.” His thinking is along the line of: if he could not manage to score something at his relatively younger age now, in a school-like environment where there are many date candidates, how can he manage to do it more successfully when he is 5 or even 10 years older?!</p>
<p>I also don’t want to see young people missing out on life because of ambition and careerism. But older people can have great passions, too, can’t we? Or even not as old as we are people can? </p>
<p>I absolutely agree that people shouldn’t miss out because of ambition and whatnot. I don’t quite understand the mentality of “Oh, I don’t want to date because I can always do that later.” etc</p>
<p>With that said, I disagree with young relationships being the most important in many respects. It’s highly individual. For some, it absolutely is but for others it’s not. I was with the same person from age 15-20 and it was certainly not my most important relationship even when we were together. </p>
<p>Again, it’s different for everyone, but I don’t think anyone should date just to date and get the “experience.” OTOH, I don’t think it should be put off if there is someone you click with. </p>
<p>Lot of good advice here. Just thought should clarify a few things. He has no problem meeting people and having fun-likes to enjoy himself. Wants to finish college strong and do another internship or two in the next year and a half- (wants to do one to transition himself into a job). Has no problem coming home or going somewhere else for a while to do PT job and earn some cash on the side at first-just doesn’t want to be stuck. The very reason why this relationship ended was because-direct quote from him " I am 21 and I don’t want to get any more serious with somebody that has no drive to excel in school and is content working a part time retail job"-she was a psych major with a 2.2 GPA and was on academic probation with her sorority. I guess he thinks being 22.5 and working a pt job will have a negative connotation-crazy to say but just a guess. He is a very direct person, but like all 21 year olds is struggling trying to plan out his future- I told him there are 1000s of kids just like him and everyone worries to an extent.</p>
<p>I should clarify that he doesn’t want to get married until around 30-(his words not mine) so he definitely doesn’t want to settle but he did say “I should have had a relationship of at least 1.5 years-his def of a LTR and I wont be able to really date again until I am 23 ish”(figuring 6 mos at home). He said he had been reading stuff online about people that graduated with good majors in 09-10 and have been home for 2-3 years and he is worried. It sounds illogical but…and he is on some minor anti anxiety meds.</p>
<p>" I am 21 and I don’t want to get any more serious with somebody that has no drive to excel in school and is content working a part time retail job". LOL. I think of my Dad’s generation, and my mom . . who though highly intelligent, never went beyond High School and X-Ray technician. My Dad was a professional and they were happily married until death forty years later. Now the standard is that she has to be as successful as I am . . so that she can pull her weight in the marriage. I guess things like warmth, sensitivity, beauty now take second seat to drive, ambition and prestige. The world has changed. . . but is it for the better?</p>
<p>It sounds like he’s putting unreasonable expectations on himself. I never had a long term relationship till I met my husband in my early thirties and now married over 25 years. I really couldn’t figure out how people maintained those LTRs until I was older and understood myself better.</p>
<p>As for wanting to date someone who’s got some ambition, I don’t see a thing wrong with it. Would he be harsh on a friend who hadn’t had an LTR? Then he shouldn’t be harsh on himself either.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t concern you guys if someone you were dating had no outlook or no goals in life other to become a mother? Its not so much the job more of that attitude. </p>
<p>What advice would you give him for after college?</p>
<p>It would concern me if I were dating someone with no goals, but I did date some guys like that. Remember the attraction of Bad Boys? I think it is healthy to get know all kinds of people and to figure out what is important to you in a partner, what is the right mix of qualities. Some people will require someone intellectually challenging, others may find it more important to find someone warm and nurturing. OP’s son can reflect on what good qualities the nonacademic first GF had and look for those in his next, more studious GF.</p>
<p>For your son, I’d remind him he is still young and he HAS had a LTR. He should put himself out there to meet people, not just eligible bachelorettes, but interesting people (who may know some eligible bachelorettes!). He should go to work, and then have some stimulating non work stuff going on, not just come home from work and sit on the couch and binge watch netflix. What does he like to do? Is there anything he has always wanted to try?</p>
<p>And there is the internet. Too new for an old fart like me to know how to navigate online dating, but young people use it all the time. </p>
<p>To each their own. The way I see it, true soul mates are very difficult to find. If you find one, I wouldn’t discard her because she was not ambitious or successful enough. But in a world where prestige is everything, I get people will marry those who enhance their own prestige. A happy marriage is not everything after all.</p>
<p>I find absolutely nothing wrong with that goal. One of the qualities I looked for in a partner was wanting to be a parent above all us because I am so career-driven. My fiance’s primary goal in life is to be a stay at home dad and it’s one of the reasons I love him so much. </p>
<p>What’s wrong with having the primary goal of becoming a parent? Two driven people in a relationship can be a recipe for disaster. </p>
<p>I would prefer my daughter date someone who has goals and ambition (not blinding ambition) because, like at all ages, I find people tend to work and live at the level of their cohorts/friends. Hang with busy people or people committed to a cause then you are more likely to do the same. Hang with people who have no ambition …</p>
<p>Also, I wouldn’t want my son having sex with someone who’s primary goal is to be a mom. </p>
<p>DS has been surrounded by busy people committed to a cause most time in his life.</p>
<p>However, when DS was at his college, he said that many of his suitemates agree that the majority of the students are so committed to building their future career that they really do not want to commit to the relationship. They also agree that, because of this (too many “busy” and “goal oriented” people), it is not a good place where you can easily find a partner who is willing to commit to the relationship.</p>
<p>None of those who said this had any relationship in college though, so maybe it is just a reflection of the situation they were in. In his close circle of about a dozen of students that we happen to know, not a single person had found his/her SO or committed BF/GF in 4 years.</p>
<p>I do not know the details. But I think the girl DS is dating now is likely more goal-oriented than him. (No gap year, no research year.) But this is purely a speculation based on one of his words: She is smarter and more organized than him. Knowing DS very well, I agree that he is not particularly organized and goal-oriented (but still manages to be organized enough to get where he wants to be.)</p>
<p>
DS once met a girl who said this to him: Unlike you, I could not rely on my career to make a living. To her credit, she is very honest.</p>
<p>“They also agree that, because of this (too many “busy” and “goal oriented” people), it is not a good place where you can easily find a partner who is willing to commit to the relationship.”</p>
<p>I am in a career, and being older know lots of people in careers and lots of people in careers who are divorced, single, or married and playing around. Careers do not bring happiness or lifetime satisfaction if there is nobody to share your success with. It is meaningless to have the respect of people who are for the most part meaningless in your life simply because you are a “success”, and it is hell to be married to a person you are not happy with, who was married simply as a trophy spouse. These young kids need to be told what is truly important in life before it is too late. Any healthy, balanced person should be able to find time not only for a career but for a partner in life. If a guy is willing to discard a woman because she is not goal oriented enough despite their otherwise being right for each other . . . . it is the worst mistake they will likely make in their lives. Just Saying.</p>