<p>When my S came home for the holidays he brought a LOT of laundry, pretty much everything he owns, it was the say the least excessive. I had him take it down to the laundry room and started in on it. During this time there was a thread on here talking about their coming home and the laundry they brought with them. It got me to thinking, why am I doing all of this. He didn’t ask me, he didn’t appologize for the excess, just assumed good old mom will do it. Well I quit doing it. So he’s been wearing the same stuff I did wash, I don’t think he’s even noticed and he goes back in a week. I think one other thing that got me was when I was sorting it I noticed that there were some nicely folded things in the pile, things I had done when he was here for Thanksgiving, that obviously were never put away, probably ended up on the floor and eventually went into the dirty clothes pile (if there is a pile, it’s probabably all over the floor). So obviously the nicely done clothes I did at Thanksgving were not appreciated. That burns me. We talked yesterday about some things business wise he needed to get done before he goes back, I ask him if he wanted me to make him a list. He said yes, he would be home today and he would get these things done. I also put on the list: Do your laundry. No comment. The “mommy” mother part of me wants to go down there and get it done I can’t bear the idea of him taking all of that dirty laundry back to school. The mom-restarting-her-own-life wants him to take responsibility, if nothing else bring it up so we can talk about it.</p>
<p>My two cents is that you’re not doing him any favors by babying him. An adult is fully capable of doing his own laundry and of course he won’t if he knows you will. </p>
<p>If you can’t bear seeing him take back those dirty clothes, then don’t look. </p>
<p>A friend of mine got to me when I would “do” things for my kids that they should be able to do themselves by saying to me that in essence, I was letting my kids know that I either didn’t trust them enough to do it right themselves, or didn’t think them capable. What does that say to a kid when his mom considers him incompetent?</p>
<p>DS has been doing his own laundry since middle school. It’s not rocket science. He can do it, or - if he doesn’t care - he’ll live in dirty clothes. But he won’t bother to lug them all home for you to see ;).</p>
<p>It’s possible that he needs a quick lesson. I’m not quite sure how you’ll approach him on it, since this is a somewhat emotion-laden issue at this point. But you could just say that you were thinking how he’ll be living on his own in an apt in the not too distant future, as well as that it can’t be fun to have to lug all those clothes home. Then you might just show him the basics - sort, temperatures to use for different colors (altho we use cold for all), amt of detergent, whether to use sofener or dryer sheet. </p>
<p>Although he is wearing “dirty” clothes, they’re probably not filthy, probably don’t smell bad. When that happens, he’ll do laundry and will know how.</p>
<p>My S never brings his laundry home from college, as he flies, and is usually home for short time. In fact, when home for short time, he acts as if staying in a hotel and carts his dirty laundry back to school w/him in a trash bag. I offer to do it w/everyone else’s, but he is independent. I am not complaining!</p>
<p>Younger S will be totally different story when he goes to college in a couple of years. He will live in same clothes forever…</p>
<p>I haven’t done laundry for kids or husband for years. I’m not a slave. When the stench gets too bad I spray perfume they hate in their direction. Works really well!</p>
<p>srw- I am in a similar place. Mine did bring home all dirty laundry. I had him sort it and he started it but then got busy and the rest of the dirty clothes just sat on his floor. Part of me just wanted to go in and do it. But this time I didn’t. It still sat. Finally yesterday I said put the dirty stuff in the piles in the laundry room. I was doing our laundry and would just add it in. So I guess I finally relented. But the truth of the matter is my son does not care if his clothes are dirty. He doesn’t smell but he will just pick something off the floor and wear it. The dirty clothes bother me much more then they bother him. The reality they bother him not a bit at all.
I know at school he rarely does laundry. His sister and girlfriend both pointed out that his skin might be in better shape if he washed his sheets once in awhile. The truth of the matter is he is lazy about it. He has a 2nd set of clean sheets but he told me they are in a box that has his printer on top and he just hasn’t pulled them out. Grosses me out but I am not sleeping in his room.
As my husband says he does what is important to him. That I should just look the other way.
When I go to my older D’s apartment I can’t help myself from folding her laundry. She will wash hers but just leaves it in a pile. I do it for me because once again she doesn’t care.</p>
<p>Laundry, gotta love it. I remember back in the stone age when the missus and I first got married and the facilities were in the basement of our apartment building, she had no issues with me doing the laundry, with never a complaint.</p>
<p>The minute we bought our house and I extended a closet to allow the machines to be on the first floor I was told to stay out of it… my laundry skills were deemed “inadequate” . </p>
<p>When kids were in school, if they returned with massive amounts or at semester’s end, it was their headache. If they came home with a small amount, or for a holiday or break stay, it made more sense to intermingle and combine the loads for the sake of efficiency.</p>
<p>Good advice all, thanks. I just need to toughen up some. He does know how to do it, I know he does it sometimes. It will be interesting to see what he does. When he was in HS he was so busy doing the “right” things I always did it, my way of supporting his activities. I guess I am still trying to do that. And of course there’s that mom thing of being needed, I need to get over that!</p>
<p>I don’t do laundry now, other than my personal stuff. My H does his, my D’s do theirs. Sometimes, when someone gets behind they ask nicely, and I never refuse. I stopped when my kids would scoop up everthing from the floor or the laundry basket, including clean stuff they never hung up or put away from the last time. I stopped and they got the message. One D still tries on 4 things and wears one, and sometimes still scoops them all up as dirty. So sometimes I sneak into the laudry room just after she sorts, and pull things out that are not dirty to go in the dryer for a short time for wrinkle release with a scented dryer sheet.</p>
<p>Now, when they go away for summer programs and come home at the end with laundry, they ask, I gladly do, and everyone is happy. No more “expencting” this mom to just do it. It’s nice to get to the stage where they ask, and because they do, I do it with a smile instead of a face…</p>
<p>How does doing the laundry become slavery? Does your husband do other chores around the house like lawncare, car care, gutter cleaning etc? It seems everyone needs to carry part of the load and none of the chores are very glamorous.
I usually cook and my wife does the cleanup–is that unfair?</p>
<p>My mom does laundry for the family. It saves water and energy because otherwise we’d have everyone’s individual laundry loads running constantly. She also usually makes dinner for the family, though my dad bakes bread. My dad fixes things in the house or gets them fixed, makes sure our cars are running well, helps clean up after meals, and feeds our dog. My brother lights fires in the fireplace when he’s home. My sister and I help my parents with anything electronic they can’t figure out, sometimes run errands, do dishes, and help get the house looking nice for special occasions (re-arranging furniture, decorating for holidays, moving stuff around, etc.). My other sister takes good care of our dog when she’s home. These “jobs” aren’t set in stone. People in the house try to devote some time to the family and to keeping the household running smoothly. My mom probably does more than any other member of the family, but I don’t think she minds. She likes to be active all time and hates sitting still, so she’s very productive. On the other hand, my father makes about twice the amount of money my mom makes–and they have the same job in the same office. I guess he works more in the office, and my mom works more around the house. All of the kids are out of the house most of the time now, so our roles are pretty much helping out where possible while we’re home. </p>
<p>If you feel you’re not being treated with respect, or if your son isn’t contributing to the household in any way, then that’s your problem–not who does the laundry.</p>
<p>Doing the laundry is not unfair, if that is the division of labor. We have similar divisions in our house and we tweak them from time to time. I cook (most of time), DH cleans (most of time). DH and DS have been doing their own laundry for years - reason is boring, so I won’t bother.</p>
<p>BUT a kid bringing home a semester’s worth of dirty laundry because he is too lazy to do his own is treating a mom (or whoever does the laundry in that household) poorly. If he “doesn’t care” and that is why he hasn’t done it, then he shouldn’t bring it home for her.</p>
<p>Moms being needed? That is something else again, srw. I am with you and all of the others on that; it’s a good feeling and we seem to need it, or at least we love it. But I don’t think any of us want to be “needed” in the way of a scullery maid. And, we want to be appreciated when we do things for them. Taking clean clothes that she has washed and folded, mixing them up with the great unwashed stuff which has, yes, probably been filed on the floor… that is unappreciative.</p>
<p>Sometimes we parents do things for them that are really for ourselves, as others have noted. When that is the case, we need to recognize it and not expect appreciation. Because it isn’t for them; they don’t care… even if we think they should. Sometimes we should stop doing things for them, because they need to learn to do for themselves, or get motivated to do so.</p>
<p>How to decide what belongs in each category? No right or wrong answers, imo.</p>
<p>But when a mom feels the need to vent, something needs to change. Unless the vent solved the problem ipso facto :D.</p>
<p>sueinphilly - I never looked at DS shared private bathroom after move-in day sophomore year. Couldn’t stand to even contemplate what it might look like.</p>
<p>This year, he and his suitemate each bougth bathroom cleaning implements and products. He tells me they’ve been used sometimes. Still not going in there.</p>
<p>I encouraged my D to choose a dorm with community bathrooms. I remember staying with friends at other colleges who had in-suite bathrooms. EEEWWWW!! </p>
<p>In our home, I usually do the laundry. H often pitches in, though. It has just never been any kind of issue for us. Neither of us minds doing it (although if it’s on a kid’s floor instead of the hamper, neither of us will touch it). However, the “putting away” part is a sticking point. I will not put clothes away for anyone but myself. It annoys me when they just leave the piles on their floors, but that is how it has to be. </p>
<p>D can do laundry & did it when she had to this past term (that is, when there were no longer clean clothes). She brought as much as she could shove into her bags home on the plane at Thanksgiving & she did her own wash. At Christmas, she had a larger pile (she drove, so had more room). H & I just integrated her stuff with our family piles. It was no big deal for us.</p>
<p>Each family has its own rules, though, and you have to do what feels right for you. I don’t mind housework. Other people hate it. Now, if we are talking about cooking … I wouldn’t help out in that arena, because it’s an awful chore that I only do because I have to. </p>
<p>If you feel that he is leaving his laundry for you & find it disrespectful, that is an issue to discuss with him. If he is leaving his laundry because he really doesn’t care whether or not it gets done, then you have two choices: 1) leave it for him to deal with (or not deal with) or 2) do it yourself because you want to. Don’t feel bad about either choice.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would email my son (because I’d get too grumpy when I talked to him), and ask the same questions you asked us.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to do your laundry? If I do it, will you fold it and treat me with respect?”
“I’m hurt and insulted that you brought back clean clothes in the laundry pile.”
“I’d like to move toward a relationship of two adults who treat each other well instead of me feeling dissed by the dumping of the laundry.”</p>
<p>I do my son’s laundry–but he always says please and thank you AND he does numerous favors for me as well. My favorite thing that he does for me is removing the dog-nose-prints from the inside of my car window. I HATE doing that.</p>
<p>Ever hear of wash and fold laundry services which all campuses seem to have? Drop off and pick it up clean/folded. Usually not much more costly than the wash/soap products and so easy. I know you are not amused but your story made me laugh.</p>
<p>My daughter has been doing her own laundry for the past few years, so she didn’t bring home dirty laundry, and did her own laundry while she was home, and is going back to school a few days early, as soon as the dorms open, so she can do the dirty laundry she didn’t bring home or get to during finals week.</p>
<p>I remember in college I would change my sheets maybe twice a quarter. But, to be fair, at home my mom wouldn’t have us change sheets more than once a month, so that wasn’t that much longer. Now that I’m the mom, the housekeeper changes all the linens in the house every week. Even when my daughter’s room was way too messy for them to clean and I’d lock her door so they wouldn’t bother with it, they would unlock the door and tiptoe through the mess to change the sheets. So my dear daughter goes off to school rather used to getting clean sheets every week, and wouldn’t you know it, now she does her own sheets every week. (Or, if she’s really busy, every other week.)</p>
<p>I think my son’s school offered a laundry service for $20 a bag. Not economical. </p>
<p>How about this one. Dry Cleaning. My son bought a wool coat. He called me one morning and said he had just dropped it off at the cleaners because someone threw up on him (I didn’t ask for details). He was going to have to pay $35 for the cleaning.</p>
<p>That is about what my machine washable coat cost at Sears last year.</p>
<p>Most wash/fold is by the pound. I have no idea about price by bag. I did however know you’d be nuts-to-the-wall about anything involving $. I gotta love 'ya.</p>
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