I saw an article this morning (posted below) on “Lawnmower Parents” (I never heard that term before) and it made me laugh and then made me sad. I think that all parents have this urge to help their children, but at what point does that help hurt them?
This is a sad reality. Parents are so scared for their children’s futures. There is a line for undermining future success, but that’s hard to define.
A friend posted the following on Facebook: “Parents should prepare their child for the path, not the path for the child.” I love that.
The example of “if your kid had worked on a project for weeks and forgot it on the kitchen counter, would you rush out to drop it off at school.” I guess if you do then you are a lawnmower parent. I think it depends. I would do that for my husband (ex) and my roommate if that happened, so why wouldn’t I do it for my kids. On the other hand, if it is a pattern then as a parent I probably would stop doing it so my kid could learn to be more responsible.
I really do hat all the of those labels for parents, and for young people too. Nothing we are doing today is so different than what parents have been doing for a long time. The differences are how we are living now and technologies that are available to us. We didn’t used to talk/text to our parents that much because we didn’t have smart phone. Parents didn’t communicate with school as often (I think it’s better for parents to be more involved) because we didn’t have email.
I used to like to pat myself on my parenting skills - and that’s why my kids turned out so great. 
On the other hand, my other 2 siblings raised their kids very differently than me and all of their kids turned out great too. Similarity we had was to let our kids know we love them and we support them.
When my kids were babies, I used to go to a parenting group led by a well-known person. She used to say that as long as we parents provide health, safety, love, and limits, the rest is commentary.
Many/some parents might work at reducing some obstacles. But there are always new obstacles that can’t be predicted or removed. Kids today have different obstacles than kids did a few generations ago. I think it’s narcissistic and just pointless for older generations to continually point fingers at younger generations, undervaluing,
minimizing and speaking condescendingly towards them.
My kids have more opportunities and different pressures than I did at their age. And I could say the same about us in comparison to my parents generation or the one before or the one before.
I didn’t do this parenting thing better or worse than my parents or grandparents. Some things I did were different. Some things I may have been a “lawn mower parent” about they were not, and vice versa.
College officials and mental health experts seem unanimous in their assessment that today’s young people have suffered from lawn mower parenting to a far greater degree than even 10 years ago.
College officials and mental health experts are viewing it through the bias of their own experiences, being raised with slightly different pressures and expectations though.
I mean, just look as an example of how college acceptances have changed in 10 years. That’s something talked about often on CC. Are we really saying on the one hand that kids are too coddled and in the other hand things are too hard? That only makes sense if you consider that some things are made easier and some are more difficult. And I think there are probably endless things that have gotten harder compared to 10 years ago, beyond college admissions, just as there are as many things made easier.
I am one that tends to not question any parent’s motivation or methods for raising their children, and I have seen good parents have bad outcomes (kids struggling in adulthood) and questionable parenting have good outcomes (kids thriving in adulthood). I agree with the “Parents provide health, safety, love, and limits, the rest is commentary” because no one knows their kids better than their parents. My wife and I are mindful of going further than we should and wanted lessons taught early. My son mistakenly left a small project at home as a 4th grader on a day that I was off and sitting at home and I refused to bring it up to the school. It was hard to not drive the 2 miles and just drop it off (he cried over that one), but I wanted him to learn a lesson early (The teacher still took it the next day -10 points, but we didn’t know the consequences at the time). If he has ever had that issue again, I haven’t heard about it and he knows the buck stops with him being responsible for himself. Was that something every parent would or should do? No. But for my son, that was how it needed to play out based on what was going on in our household.
I’d like to think there is a happy medium not being addressed. If DD is repeatedly texting me during class over a water bottle (when she can go to the fountain or get a bottle in the cafeteria or vending machine), that’s a problem. If she accidentally forgets an assignment at home, I’ll help her out - although she might have to wait a couple hours if I am at work.
DH left his wallet at home one day a couple weeks ago (can’t recall that ever happening before). I offered to drive it to his office. Everyone needs some help occasionally. It’s only a problem when it happens too frequently.
Also, Lawnmower parents also mow down other parents who get in their childs way. I have seen lawnmower parents and am starting to see the results of this type of parenting. It isn’t good. Many of these kids have high levels of anxiety and perfectionist tendencies. Why? Because the parents expect high levels of achievement and are working with the kid to get there. These parents do the kids homework or “help” on school projects. Once in primary school a kid had a science fair poster about some brain development thing. It had medical book citations ( Yes, the parents were doctors, no the kid was not gifted or otherwise talented in science).
We need to let our kids fail. That includes forgetting homework and getting a bad grade, not getting a part in the play, not making the team and on and on. Paving the road for your kid won’t create a good adult. In fact, it just may be the opposite. Our job as parents is to show the kid the road and help them figure out what they want to do. Support them but don’t make them so dependent that they fail when you are not around. Because one day you won’t be.
I worked full time and so did DH. If our kids left an assignment on the counter, oh well. We were unable to get it for them…because we were at work. And yes, that did happen once or twice. Our kids didn’t even bother to call us…because they knew we could not leave work, drive home and make a delivery to their school.
We did deliver left behind EC things every so often. DD once left all of her swim team practice stuff at home. Since I was already home, I took it to her.
@Groundwork2022 Totally agree with you. It is definitely a parental feel to things on when to help or not help.
We all forget things. The difference is if I forget to bring something to work, I can go home and get it or grab lunch at a nearby restaurant. Unless your kids attend school with an open leave policy, that isn’t an option for them. So, yes, if I can, I’ll retrieve the forgotten items if needed.
I feel my job as a parent is to prepare them for life. In college, and in life, you will have the opportunity to make time to retrieve forgotten items.
I’m mostly at home during the day. Over the years, I’ve occasionally brought each of them a forgotten lunch or missing piece of their sports uniform. None have ever forgotten an assignment. I always looked at it as…as long as it isn’t a pattern, and as long as I’m available, I’m willing to help. I’ve certainly forgotten things at home and so has dh - I’ve had to bring dh his phone and computer a couple of times when he accidentally left them at home.
My younger son goes to a different h.s. than his siblings and it’s 45 minutes away. Last year as a freshman, he was halfway to school with his carpool when he realized he did not have his iPad, which is school issued and used daily (textbooks are on it, etc). Another time he forgot his cleats for soccer practice. Both times I told him, “sorry, you’ll have to deal with it as I’m not driving all the way up there.” Not sure how he worked out the iPad situation that day but he managed to borrow a spare pair of cleats from a teammate - can’t believe someone had a pair and they fit!
One funny story that wasn’t so funny at the time. My oldest had her first day of lacrosse practice. Her coach was VERY tough and right off the bat, she said in her email that kids could not be late to practice, they were running at the beginning and anyone late would have to run alone and extra. I think D was in 4th grade at the time. We got halfway there and D realized she was wearing flip flops and had forgotten to put her cleats on! For some reason I had my mother’s sedan (I drive an SUV, must have been in shop or something). I turned around to race home, I ran into the garage to get her cleats and when I opened the very heavy door of my mother’s sedan, I whacked myself right below the eye. OMG, I was in such pain I almost threw up. After catching my breath, I drove her to practice, but already my face was swollen and I had the beginnings of a black eye. My daughter was in tears, she felt so bad for causing this to happen. When we got there, I tried to make light of the situation but one of the other mothers discreetly left and got ice and brought back for me. And the coach said she knew D’s guilty feelings at my injury was enough of a punishment so did not make her run the extra laps for being late LOL. Needless to say, D never forgot her cleats again!
For the longest time, I thought it was my job to protect my child from ever feeling pain or discomfort. I learned over time (sometimes the hard way), that it is actually my job to help give my child the skills to manage difficult situations, not to try to shield her from all of them. High school was not always easy for her, nor for me as a parent to see her feeling uncomfortable. In hindsight, I am so grateful that she navigated some difficulties during that time. She has just begun college far from home, and I know the skills and confidence she gained overcoming some hard things in the last few years will serve her well when things get tough at college, as they inevitably will, since life is not always smooth and easy.
@4kids4us I wanted to like your post but I am having my own flashbacks from whacking myself trying to not be late for one of my kids.
@Jensmom27 There is a peace of mind that comes from knowing that you have helped provide the skills that will help your child make it when things get tough in a far away environment.
I have forgotten my passport half way to the airport then asked H to bring it to a rest stop where I was waiting for him.
I had three vastly different kids and I tried to treat them accordingly. The first one never forgot anything and never needed that kind of help. However, she had and has the most nervous stomach of anyone I ever knew, so I always took off certain days when I knew she would struggle with that. Thankfully, she has now moved past it. D2 is very competent and never forgot anything that she cared about. However, she (like me) has a terrible sense of direction, so when she started college, she got lost every day for weeks. I made myself available to tell her how to get where she was going until she got her feet under her. My S forgot everything all the time and it drove me nuts. I can’t tell you how many times his bus driver called us to say he had son’s phone, iPad (required), musical instrument or entire backpack (?!!). I never picked those things up or brought them to him. He’d always have to wait or the next day. He eventually either grew out of it or learned to deal with consequences. When he got to college I refused to hear about this stuff.
(When he forgot the iPad, the school had loaners, so he didn’t feel that very much).
I have helped my children. Who knows how long I’ll be around, and there’s plenty of hardship and disappointment in the world which they will inevitably face - everyone does. There is no need for my children to face it early or alone. Helping them is the one thing I hope they’ll always remember about me.