<p>Bob… >>> I am just having difficult time dealing with this lack of motivation…
So, I tried to use it to motivate her - Good HS grades+good scores+EC+… -> a top college + good GMAT/LSAT -> a top law school/business school -> choices in career opportunities -> comfortable lifestyle, interesting and challenging job, etc…<<<<<</p>
<p>Whoa!!! That is just too much for most juniors to be thinking about - At this age, kids are taking things one year at a time. — Her bigger concern right now might be whether she’s going to have a date for Homecoming or Winter Formal. </p>
<p>My kids would have felt very overwhelmed if I had brought up Law school, etc, while they were juniors. (and my kids are top students - one is a NMF, one may become one, straight A’s, etc, lots of AP’s) </p>
<p>With all that kind of talk of law schools, etc, she may feel like all she has to look forward to right now, is a decade more of schooling… And she may be rather undecided about her career…</p>
<p>The motivation needs to be “right now” Right now, you need to motivate with short term goals - such as, "if you bring your AP US grade up to a strong A, then I buy you that purse you want (or whatever). (Don’t press her to study for classes that she already gets strong “A’s” in - what’s the point?)</p>
<p>(It’s ok that you see the bigger long-term picture - at this point, parents need to be - but keep that to yourself right now)… </p>
<p>Have you started visiting colleges??? That can also be a motivator…</p>
<p>macnyc >>>> I told her that from now on, every day when she got home from school, she would write her assignments on a yellow legal pad. Tests and projects would be carried over from day to day until the due date. When she finished each task, she would cross it off. When she finished everything, she could go online to play. <<<</p>
<p>See…MacNY used his/her child’s “currency” (online games) as a “carrot” motivator. Aren’t we all motivated by something??? A paycheck, a possible promotion, a raise, a new client… whatever… It’s human nature to be motivated by one’s “currency.”</p>
<p>Does she talk at all about where she would like to go to college? Maybe she’s not interested in a “top school”. Maybe she is satisfied that she is doing well enough to get where she wants to go or will at least be satisfied with where her grades will get her (they sound pretty good to me). Lots of kids go to State u’s or lower “tier” schools and still make it into law school, med. school etc. </p>
<p>I have a S who sounds similiar to your D.</p>
<p>My S1 was a very good student who never worked at it. Never studied or practiced for SAT (made 1400(old SAT) one sitting and was satisfied), never studied at all for 7 AP exams (AP scholar with distinction),never took any SATII’s, never saw him crack a book his whole senior year (3 AP’s) but graduated 6/450 all while working 25 hours a week at a part-time job. He is now a jr. at our state u., (his first choice- on a full ride) and loving it. He really did tell me a few weeks ago that he loved college. He has to work for his grades now and he quickly figured that out and has done well. </p>
<p>I’m not saying it’s the perfect example but I am saying that some smart kids can do well even if they are not “nose to the grindstone” types. Mine was the type that rode by the seat of his pants but always pulled through when it counted. Maybe yours will be too.<br>
It’s early in her jr. year. She has time to get it together if you feel she is really slipping and if she doesn’t…then she’ll just have to be satisfied with where she ends up. Try the motivation ideas. They might work. If she’s already making A’s and one B, it might be hard to convince her she needs to do better though! Good luck.</p>
<p>You really need to talk with her and determine what types of schools she is interested in. If she doesn’t have any highly selective schools on her mental list, but instead, wants to have a great time at non-selective state U, so be it. I interview lawyers for lateral hire positions all the time, and I do no more than glance at where the undergrad degree was from.</p>
<p>However, if she tells you her dream school and you don’t think her stats are up to that, let her know and let her make a plan for getting where she wants to be.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a matter of seeing if your daughter is okay with going to state U., and then cutting her some slack. I think people should strive to do their best in whatever it is they’re undertaking. When I’m at work that’s what I try to do, even though I would rather be on CC all day reading and posting! Like now! Oh, well, back to work! :)</p>
<p>Lurk:<br>
I don’t think anyone is suggesting that it’s ok for her to “slack off” even if her desire is to go to a state U. (besides, many state U’s have honors programs that are more selective.).</p>
<p>I think people are just suggesting less “overall” and “long term” pressure on a 16 year old. </p>
<hr>
<p>To the OP…</p>
<p>Is she your only child? I think your d sounds a bit lonely (spending so much time with online games with “online friends” instead of with friends in her community, school, church, whatever.) Does she have a close circle of friends? If not, what has been done to encourage the development of such friends?</p>
<p>Could it be that your D is experiencing some sort of burn out? It happens sometimes when kids do not see some very real tangible reward that all this studying apparently leads to. For mine visits to colleges did the magic trick. Material rewards like purses, cameras, etc. had very short-lived effect.</p>
<p>I agree. burn out is probably there - especially when she sees another 8 years of education in front of her…</p>
<p>College visits can definitely motivate</p>
<p>Material rewards may (and probably do) only have a short term affect - but sometimes that’s all you need to “kick start” someone who’s become a bit sluggish. It worked with my son.</p>
<p>I think that some 16 year-olds can deal with thinking “long-term” and some can’t. It’s a bit condescending to assume that they can’t.</p>
<p>However, most 16 year-olds (or most 20-somethings, for that matter) will react poorly if a parent is constantly and forcefully harping on their future. OP, I don’t know if you’re doing this, but some parents who do this genuinely aren’t aware of how forceful or pressuring they appear to their kids, and you may want to examine this.</p>
<p>Maybe your D just doesn’t like US history? If she’s doing well in her other classes, then as long as she keeps her grade at a B, it’s unlikely to close any doors for her, even if she wants to apply to top schools. I had more than one B when I applied. If she can be motivated to get it up to an A, so much the better, but I don’t think it’s strictly necessary.</p>
<p>Agree with the responses to just leave her alone. We used to constantly badger our younger son to study and it made no difference. Suddenly this year as a HS junior some how a switch went on and all he does is study! He’s a very stubborn kid and his parents have absolutely no idea for why this change happened.</p>
<p>Really truly, it is best that you post about this situation on an anonymous forum and try your hardest to keep your mouth shut about it in front of other parents. </p>
<p>A brilliant (probably Ivy-bound) friend of my son’s started dating an “older man” (19) when she was 15, became very sexually active, and has now lost all interest in school; she was at the very top of the class before she “fell in love.” A former law partner’s son is a classmate of my son…the kid has no motivation, he just skateboards and gets in trouble…last year the kid’s best friend died of a drug overdose. </p>
<p>These are the types of issues that other highly educated parents-who also want only the best for their kids-are facing. You should feel so blessed if your one big problem in life is that your daughter is making a B in APUSH.</p>
<p>Thank you for your responses. My DD is thinking about big name schools, so this is why it is so puzzling to me that she would spend time online and not studying, knowing what the stakes are.</p>
<p>It is true that she does not like US History. So what? We all have to do things in life that we do not like. I have no problem with a “B”, if the effort was there. However, I am having a difficult time tolerating “did not study because I was blogging” concept.</p>
<p>What about SATII Math? (see my original post). This is her strongest subject. How can the score of 630 be explained other than she did not study? Why not? Blogging?</p>
<p>I understand why some parents recommend to “stay back” and let the kid make her own decisions (mistakes?). Aren’t you worried that 10 years from now, your DD comes back to you and asks “Dad, why didn’t you push me hard enough during my Junior year? I could have gone to… and become… and work at…” What are going to say? “It is YOUR life, so it was YOUR choice”? She is 16-year-old. What does she understand about life?</p>
<p>We are planning some college visits in October (1 tier school + 2nd + 3rd), so I am hoping that this works.</p>
<p>What if she comes back to you in 10 years and says, “Dad, why did you push me so hard? I had no life in high school, when I could have been enjoying myself. So I went to college where I had no life, and now I’m working with people who went to [lower tier university] who earn more than I do having gone to [top tier university], and they’ve had more fun!”</p>
<p>Don’t think it doesn’t happen; it actually happens all the time. And yes, I’d rather be able to say to her, “You knew what the stakes were and you made your choices. It wasn’t something I could decide, or do, for you.”</p>
<p>Why don’t you try to set some sane limits with your daughter and give her some incentive to work a bit harder? If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. At least you’ll feel that you tried to help her.</p>
<p>bob26, the other thing about nagging and pushing a teenager – in most cases, it simply doesn’t work…“you can lead the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink…”</p>
<p>Motivated people work hard for what they want. I don’t see how anyone can dictate for anyone else what they should want, and I also believe the kind of motivation needed for long term goals must come from within.</p>
<p>When my daughter was a junior in high school, she was getting As in three IB courses, one AP course, and one honors course and a B in her fourth IB course. She was also participating in a moderate amount of extracurricular activities, talking to friends online, and fanatically following three TV series.</p>
<p>If I had told her she wasn’t trying hard enough, or even suggested that she was “lazy,” we wouldn’t be speaking to each other right now. In my opinion, she was trying plenty hard enough while taking a difficult schedule – which is also true of the OP’s daughter. </p>
<p>It turns out that Cornell thought my daughter was trying hard enough, too. She’s a freshman there now, is earning As and Bs, and seems reasonably happy.</p>
<p>Admittedly, among many of the people on this board, Cornell is the sort of school you settle for, not the sort you aspire to. But the people on this board tend to be kind of extreme.</p>
<p>Bob26, if pushing could get your DD going, then push all you could. More than likely, as many said here, your push may not have much results. </p>
<p>I used to push my DD so very hard and we gave all these talks about her life in the long run etc. I remember my emphasis for Jr as one of the most important year in her entire life because it may determine what and where she ends up in college. No use. Absolutely no use. </p>
<p>As of right now, when we talk to her, she would turn the TV so loud or just simply walk out. Count your lucky stars if your D still talk and listen to you. After much pushing, she may not.</p>
<p>PS, I envy you very much that your DD will think about her future in term of family and life style.</p>
<p>I don’t know what you do for a living, but does where a job candidate got his/her undergrad degree impress you? </p>
<p>After I posted about only glancing at a legal canditate’s undergrad, I received an email, saying that a person I had recently interviewed had accepted our offer. The email mentioned the guy’s credentials and said that his undergrad was from Brown. I truly had not paid a bit of attention to that when I interviewed him. I recommended that we hire him because of his relevant prior experience, poise, how articulate he was, etc. </p>
<p>If your daughter makes the most of her education-wherever it is from-I doubt that she’s going to say, “Why didn’t you make me study harder?” The guy I interviewed with the Brown degree would have received the same job offier if his undergrad had been from Texas State.</p>
<p>bob26 quotes -
It is true that she does not like US History. So what? We all have to do things in life that we do not like. I have no problem with a “B”, if the effort was there. However, I am having a difficult time tolerating “did not study because I was blogging” concept.</p>
<p>What about SATII Math? (see my original post). This is her strongest subject. How can the score of 630 be explained other than she did not study? Why not? Blogging?</p>
<p>I understand why some parents recommend to “stay back” and let the kid make her own decisions (mistakes?). Aren’t you worried that 10 years from now, your DD comes back to you and asks “Dad, why didn’t you push me hard enough during my Junior year? I could have gone to… and become… and work at…” What are going to say? “It is YOUR life, so it was YOUR choice”? She is 16-year-old. What does she understand about life?"
End of quote…</p>
<p>I agree with your concerns. At this age, you can’t expect them to have great foresight. It’s one thing to let them “fail” when the pain will be a learning experience BUT not a life effecting one. (For instance - we don’t just let them drop out fo school and learn from the consequences, do we?)</p>
<p>There’s a reason teens have parents - it’s because they can’t be trusted to make the best decisions - especially when those decisions concern a future that seems so far away. You are so right - she’s only 16 - not even old enough to have her ears pierced without parent permission.</p>
<p>What are your college trip plans? Which colleges will you be visiting? Maybe some here can add to your list based on their own experiences. There are many people on this board that are very good at coming up with ideas regarding these visits and how to make them the most meaningful for your DD.</p>
<p>You’re right about being concerned that she isn’t doing well in AP US just because she “doesn’t like it.” maybe the teacher is week. </p>
<p>My DD didn’t like her AP US teacher at all - because she was a weak teacher (loved her AP Euro teacher). We bought her the Kaplan’s study guide and she loved it (recommended by someone on this board). There’s a section in there that is like a small history book - well written and interesting. My DD said there was so much in that “little section” that her own teacher never covered or didn’t explain that well - it made a difference when class tests and when she took the national exam.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone has suggested an end to the discussion of the future. But I am willing to bet that she heard you the first time. </p>
<p>What I think those of us who have advised backing off mean is that once you present the information let it go. Have a talk with her and let her know that is what you are doing. </p>
<p>“Honey, I want what’s best for you and if you want to get accepted into University X, I know they expect you to be involved in things other than school. I’m not going to nag you about it but I want you to make an informed choice. By closing the door on ECs you are limiting your options.”</p>
<p>She will file it away or discard it but if she comes to you in 10 years and says “Why didn’t you push me?” you can, with a clear heart remind her of the conversation.</p>
If she can be motivated to get it up to an A, so much the better, but I don’t think it’s strictly necessary.</p>