<p>Oh I see.
let me clarify then, I think it will help other members understand your situation better. It will, for me.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>When do you become aware of your husband’s issues? Are you in agreement before your marriage, or starting family?</p></li>
<li><p>Do your husband and children are aware of your mentioning his rather sensitive issues?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Zoosermom, your husband doesn’t want to downsize? You can downsize to a condo or townhouse and still have use of a pool. There are community gardens where individuals can take care of a portion of a garden. Many townhouses have small gardens.</p>
<p>60 hour work weeks are too much for most people. Those hours can weigh on a person’s mental health.</p>
<p>whatitsays, please don’t clarify. My situation is clear. Thank you!</p>
<p>dstark, he has never thought of downsizing. What is today is what he expects to be everyday forever and ever, world without end! </p>
<p>But the end of the period of hands-on parenting is a very good time to take stock and make changes. I can’t be the only person sick of house and yardwork. I mean, there wouldn’t be 55 + communities otherwise, right? Although I’ve got a ways to go before I get to that age, but a community with amenities, gardners, maintenance people sounds like nirvana, no?</p>
<p>Instead of “lean in,” I think my sisterly advice to all would be “lean on.” Lean on the positive memories, find them. Make them, all along. </p>
<p>Z, my grandparents’ situation was like yours. I know there is no way a few posts can convey context.</p>
<p>My sisterly advice would be to assess from time to time and make sure the choices you made earlier still work for the family at its different stages.</p>
<p>Seems like oldfort is the role model on that and I plan to urge my kids to do that.</p>
<p>First off, you are very young. </p>
<p>My wife and I downsized. We went from a 5 bedroom house with a pool to a 2 bedroom and a den townhouse. We love the move. We still have access to a pool and we don’t have to take care of it. I hated taking care of a pool. The location of the townhouse is better. We can walk everywhere. My wife remodeled the townhouse the way she wanted. Every day she says, “I love being home”.</p>
<p>My wife and my situation has similarities and differences to yours. My wife did get to stay at home with the kids as they grew up. My career was stressful. So now I am retired. My wife has worked in a job for about 7 years and will work 4 more. Her job is stressful. She is trying to figure out how to cut the stress. She is forcing herself to work 40 hours a week and not more. I realize you may not be able to do that. </p>
<p>I talk to my wife all the time about her working. She would rather quit, but we have these obligations, and it would be better if she worked 4 more years. She knows I am toasted and she is more capable so she is making that sacrifice.</p>
<p>It is great that you can express your anger. Getting rid of the anger would really help You. The anger is not doing you any good and is bad for your relationship with your husband.</p>
<p>You know, men have regretted their decisions to spend more time at work, too. You know the song “Cats in the Cradle”? That son was fine; the father was filled with regret.</p>
<p>Giving women the opportunity to fill themselves with the same regret is, I guess, equal opportunity.</p>
<p>I believe there are many tasks that can be outsourced without regret if you have the financial resources to do so. I can’t think of anyone who would feel a sense of regret over not having cleaned her own toilets. (Although there is actually the potential that children raised in a household where only hired help do housework might grow up with unreasonable expectations about how life normally proceeds for individuals without such financial resources.)</p>
<p>But even many tasks which seem routine and easily outsourced turn out to have great potential importance in being a parent. Anyone who has driven carpool knows that the conversations you have–and the conversations you hear–in the carpool are valuable to you as a parent and to your relationship with your children. </p>
<p>I will also say there is probably a great deal less tension over spending more time in a career that you find rewarding and satisfying. If Sheryl Sandberg hated her job and founded it stressful, tedious, and unrelenting, I think she’d consider the tradeoff differently.</p>
<p>As I understand it, some posters are in a different financial position than many. But many couples find themselves in a place where it’s not so easy to yoyo the responsibilities and opportunities. Or they aren’t in a location where the partner whose “turn” it is can fly high. Or that partner’s field is not as lucrative. </p>
<p>Imo, the whole point is that life isn’t as easily controlled.</p>
<p>Since we’re x-posting, I’ll add: one’s perspective matters. Attitude.</p>
<p>dstark, so you gave up the house and the personal pool and lived to tell the tale! That’s what my husband needs to understand. As you said, we’re still pretty young. We will get there, I have faith.</p>
<p>Yes. You will.</p>
<p>Attitude is extremely important in everything we do in life. </p>
<p>DeskPotato, I enjoyed your last post .</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Exactly. My husband and I would desperately like to trade places, but it is simply not feasible. His field does not offer the compensation or benefits mine does. We had absolutely no idea how much each of us was going to hate this arrangement when we got into it and now we’re painted into a corner.</p>
<p>But I’ll stress: *my kids are fine. They have a fantastic relationship with a fantastic father. *All their friends think their dad is the greatest guy in the world. They sometimes ask my girls if they have a mother, which, to the girls, is hilarious. You can imagine how it feels to me.</p>