<p>As I told my CCs friends before, we had the first experience of heartbroken kids. My D is fine now, but she had a bad time until she decided to break up. She still loves her former BF, but she wants to move on and concentrate on her senior year. Since the boy was part of our everyday life for almost three years, we all suffered the separation.
Following my friends advice, I wrote to the kid saying that we care about him and we always will do. He replied the letter in a very rude way, saying that he didnt read the letter and he wont read anything that comes from my family or me. I thought that he was hurt and he needed some time, and I tried not to take it personal.<br>
After three weeks, I contacted him again by sending a congratulations note for his sister that got married. He did not answer.<br>
This kid was 24/7/365 part of the family; there wasnt a party, holiday or vacation without him, not even a meal. Why is he acting this way? Why is he so angry with everybody? Is this normal?<br>
My D wrote to his parents an apology for breaking up and told them that she appreciated the time she shared with them and how much she loved their son. She also told them that she couldnt resist anymore the fights, and for that reason, she thought that will be better for both to be apart. They didnt answer her either. They dont say hello to her anymore or to us (its a small town, we see them often).<br>
I dont know what else to do, and Im worried at the same time because this boy goes to college with my S and he is rude with him too (they have a class together), and next year my D will be there
Do you think that someday this situation will change? I mean, I wouldnt like if they go back together, but Ill be fine if they were just friends or at least civilized people.</p>
<p>There’s nothing you can do. Time may heal it or it may not.</p>
<p>He’s hurt. Give it some time, but be prepared for the possibilty that this is the way it will be going forward.</p>
<p>I understand that you have written to this boy with the best of intentions, but now I think you just need to leave him alone. He is young and he is hurt. What he needs right now is some time and space to heal, not contact (no matter how well meant) from his ex-girlfriend’s family. The same goes for the boy’s family. It was a very nice gesutre for your daughter to write them a note, but now they need space and time as well. If they are not comfortable right now saying hello when they see her or when they see you, that may not be the most mature response, but they are entitled to feel hurt.</p>
<p>“we all suffered the separation”</p>
<p>okay, I am gong to give some thoughts that I garnered from your post and you may not like them, i could be off base, BUT, I really do think you need to at least consider them:</p>
<p>this was THEIR relationship, not yours</p>
<p>i wonder if D might have broken up with him earlier if whole family was not so invested in the relationship</p>
<p>it is not normal for a bf or gf to be there 24-7-365 - what he had no other friends, never spent time with his family - what you guys never wanted to just do the family thing while D was still at home< and he had no one else to hang with…most guys have other friends and don’t want 24-7…that to me would have been a warning sign</p>
<p>did your family ever JUST do family things without another person there</p>
<p>with regards to “after” breakup</p>
<p>so, he is rude to your son, so what?</p>
<p>that friends thing is very tough to do, and for you to expect it (remember he was your Ds bf, not yours) is unreasonable</p>
<p>the civil part- well are they bad mouthing you your d or your family? a re they yelling at you, or just ignoring you</p>
<p>sometimes, ignoring is what people need to do during an event like is in ORDER to be civil</p>
<p>your D did not owe that parents an apology/ why in the world would she do that? she could say she hopes that in time she hopes they can all be friendly (notice I didn’t say friends), but she owed them no apology</p>
<p>“i am so sorry i broke up with your son…” what was that supposed to accomplish…I don’t understand that at all</p>
<p>this whole thing is just strange to me in a way…seems mom is more torn up than the D is…and that is why I wonder about if D might have ended things sooner, but felt a bit obligated as family was so attached</p>
<p>step back and look at this situation, what would you tell your friends to do</p>
<p>and sending him a letter…why did you do that? it probably came across, even though not your intention, as a pity letter, from the guys perspecitive who probably thought, wow this is creepy her MOM is writing me…ewwww</p>
<p>if I am off track, fine, but from what you posted, this is what I thought about</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>He is most likely grieving that he is no longer a part of your family. Breakups often follow the same stages of grief that occur after a death. Only when he has gone through all stages (and there may be times that he advances to the next stage and then has to back up and repeat an emotion or two) will he be ready to have a relationship with you or your family. Respect his right to heal on his terms.</p>
<p>CityGM…ouch. Look, what’s done is done. There is no going back and no need to play monday morning quarterback.</p>
<p>Cressmom…people are hurting and mourning their loss of friendships and future dreams. Everyone needs time to heal as they move on with their lives. I am sorry for your familys pain and wishing you the best. Love is painful.</p>
<p>crosspost</p>
<p>yeah whats done is done, but maybe others can learn from this, and the mom can to, as I am sure D will have another BF, and mom needs to step back </p>
<p>To me it is just weird that mom is more upset than her D…am I the only one that finds that odd? and because I find that odd, I wonder about the letters, the follow ups etc and the upset that the other family isn’t “civilized” enough…as I said, sometimes ignoring is what someone needs to do in order to stay civil</p>
<p>and yes, I think the mom sending the boy a letter was ewwwww</p>
<p>if my D got a letter from her ex’s dad saying, blah blah blah, she would find that creepy</p>
<p>I know I sound harsh, and I don’t know all the details, but from the short post, that is what I picked up, and I couldn’t ignore what I took from it, because what I took from it, may be how others involved may see it</p>
<p>everyone needs to let it go, both families, and especially mom. i mean why send HIM a note for his sister’s marriage, why not to sister, why does the boy need to be congratualted? again, odd, and an excuse to make contact</p>
<p>Cressmom, My S and GF of almost 3 years broke up during senior year of h.s. It was bad for awhile.
They now go to the same college (large state u.) and though they don’t move in the same social circle, they are friendly when they run into each other. She even agreed to go to a mandatory school event that S had to have a date for when they first got to school as freshmen.
This girls parents attend our church and her mother and I both work there. Her parent have seemed stand-offish since the break-up but we don’t worry about it. Let the kids work it out. It may work out over time or it may not but you can’t control it. Just let it go.</p>
<p>I totally agree w/ citygirlsmom. Our generation has a tendency to buy into these young relationships in a well-meaning but ultimately unhealthy way. Almost as if they are OUR relationships. I know, I’ve been there. It’s better to be skeptical, nice and polite, but a bit distant with our kids’ boyfriends/girlfriends. Not to cast any blame, cressmom – it’s almost like something crazy is in the water for our generation – but perhaps a word of wisdom to others.</p>
<p>
Cressmom~</p>
<p>I <em>really</em> feel for you and your family in this difficult situation. Before we fully realized it, we ended up with a situation akin to the one that your D and her bf shared. My oldest D’s bf (they’ve been together nearly 2 years) is pretty much a member of our family too and is here for the majority of the time. In his case, there is some emotionally abusive treatment in his birth family, and he has really reached out to me as a “second mom.” So, I do understand the level of involvement that your family shared with this young man.</p>
<p>Your D’s ex is angry because he has been hurt at the deepest level. Even when we don’t mean to, we lash out in these cruel ways to the people who have meant the most to us when we are hurting at these deep levels and feeling so vulnerable. I think that sometimes, making the break is easier if it is “clean,”…no reminders of what once was. I am sure that every well-intended correspondence from you is a poignant reminder of what he shared not only with your D, but also with your family as a whole—HIS family, in essence, since he spent so much time there.</p>
<p>Though I think this is perfectly “normal,” I do know how very painful this is for everyone, so {{{{{{{gentle hugs}}}}}}} to you.</p>
<p>
I truly do think that this will change. I know that it seems impossible to consider right now, but the passage of time <em>WILL</em> soothe and mute this raw pain for everyone. I don’t think the process will be a quick one, but I <em>DO</em> think that the kindness that both you and your D have shown this young man and his family, even in the aftermath of this break-up, will be remembered and appreciated down the line. What is a MORE difficult situation is when behaviors take place AFTER the break that end up being “unforgivable.” That you have reached out with efforts of kindness and peace WILL be appreciated after the rawness of the wound has had a chance to fade. I am predicting that one day, some sort of civil relationship will return between your family and his.</p>
<p>Hang in there. I KNOW how hard this may be for you. ~berurah
P.S. No “learning” involved here…you ARE a good mom! :)</p>
<p>I know this kid since he was very little. He was usually home alone and sometimes for weeks; it is like we have foster cared him long before he started to date my D. I tutored him during high school and I was still helping him in college. He has very old parents (half sisters of my age). Before he was able to drive, we had to drive him around. His parents don’t celebrate the holidays at home, and they never took him with them for those occasions, so he was with us. For years, he celebrated his birthdays with us. Once he went to college, we thought that he will change, but not, he was still calling us, coming every other weekend, and AIM us every time he didn’t understand something or he needed help with laundry or socializing.
For all this reasons and many more, my friends told me to contact him. </p>
<p>Citygirlsmom; I sent the note to him to give it to his sister because she just moved and since she doesn’t get along with her step mom, I couldn’t give it to this boy’s parents.
My D is upset too, she lost her best friend (she grew up with him) not only her BF, but she had a good reason for doing that, and I respect it.<br>
And if we wanted to be a family without him, we did and we do, this year we didn’t take him with us in our summer trip. His family was upset because they have planned a vacation without him. I felt sorry for the kid, but this trip was very special for us and for my S, it was his graduation present.<br>
This boy isn’t an ordinary boy; he wants to be in family the whole time, and he doesn’t like to go out with friends. We fought with him many times telling him that was time to go back home, and he always said that his home was our home. I’m worried about him, and I’m concern about he could do to my D being so distressed.</p>
<p>Thank you berurah for your understanding.</p>
<p>My son was in a relationship with a very nice girl who we all adored. They didn’t date as long as your D. and bf, but was about 2 years. The girl broke up with him upon her graduation from high school (she was year ahead). It crushed my son. He was so hurt, so angry, hated himself. Though he never took it out on her parents (and actually would talk to them on the sly), he had such extreme emotions about the girl that I thought he might never “get over” it.</p>
<p>Fast forward 18 months–they are now friends again. They talk online. They meet for dinner or coffee when both are in town. Both feel that it was the right thing --just my son wasn’t ready for it at the same time she was.</p>
<p>
This statement concerns me however. Do you feel that the ex could be a physical threat to your D?</p>
<p>Cressmom, I understand, too, and I feel for you and for the boy. CGM-once again I get the feeling you are on the attack simply because another family does things in a different manner than yours does. It is NOT unusual to welcome a child’s significant other into your family. It can be very rewarding for everyone concerned. The risk, of course, is the breakup that is likely to occur in these teen relationships.<br>
I think you should be proud of your daughter for knowing when it was time to move on, despite the enmeshment of the boy with her family. Now everyone needs some space.</p>
<p>sorry, but that whole part of taking care of him like a child and then he was dating your daughter…sorry, but to me, an admitted outsider, just seems that boundaries were very blurred between a second “son” and D’s bf…if you find that awful to say, well, I am just going by what I am reading here</p>
<p>I am not attacking, and maybe I have different ideas of things than others do, but again, the blurring of all these relationship lines…well is mom more upset because she lost her D bf or the son she almost raised</p>
<p>as for the letter, did cressmom expect him to call up and say, thank you for remembering my sister? come on, even the best mannered guys probably wouldn’t do that, they would just forward the letter</p>
<p>CGM, why does that strike you so? I treat my daughter’s friends - boys and girls - as well as significant others - as if they’re <em>my</em> children, when they’re in my home, or in my presence in some way. After all, from my perspective, if they’re on my radar screen, they ARE my children, in a sense, even when they’re 20-something, and so if they ask for advice, or if they’re about to do something unadvisable, or even if they’re just plain hungry and need to be fed - whatever it is, I treat them exactly as if they’re siblings to my daughter. I’ve given many a young man guidance on some matter or another, if he ended up sitting at my kitchen table and asked me a question…it’s just something that evolves naturally. </p>
<p>The bigger question on my mind is - add ten more years to this scenario; I wonder what happens if those involved are married, perhaps even with children, and they decide to divorce. </p>
<p>THEN what do we do? Cressmom, I think you’ve done all you can here, and you’ve been a class act in this situation - but - it does make one start to wonder what happens when it’s a in-law relationship, and we are concerned grandparents?</p>
<p>Cress: My D has had several BFs over the years…she is friends with every one of them now, in varying degrees.</p>
<p>DD is one of those girls who the BFs parents always seem to love, and she always connects well with the families of her BFs. When she woke up with one guy, she did call his mom & dad, too, to say she was sorry she would no longer be a part of the things they had done together and all that. It was well-received. The BF got pretty snotty and trash talked her at school for a month or so, my counsel was to take hte high road, give him space and stay clear. It took 3-4 months before he came around, they are now friends & she even got to know his subsequent girlfriend! On BF never really did get past the making snide remarks at gatherings stage, so she is polite & civil, but does not call him, though is still friends with his sister and friendly with his parents.</p>
<p>So, have hope, but give him space and tell your D to avoid discussions with him for a few months, as things like that tend to escalate!</p>
<p>“When she woke up with one guy,” A little slip there??? :)</p>
<p>My d was involved in a relationship during high school that lasted almost two years. They broke before she left for college, though, as she was going out of state. It was pretty difficult for a few months…probably more so for her ex-BF as my daughter began dating again pretty soon after she started school. It made my d very sad that she could not seem to have a civil conversation with the guy who had been her very best friend for so long. They have since worked through all of that and are back to being good friends. And this guy’s mom and I STILL are good friends…I think the world of their entire family.</p>
<p>So I get your pain…and I think it will get better over time. Just give it some…</p>
<p>All my best to you.</p>