So we have just ignored the email request so far, and my H reports he got a text today asking “did you see the email?”
To be fair, H was in the mountains backpacking and had literally no internet for 5 days. So the initial ignorance was unintentional.
My immediate thought was to reply “did you see my response?”
Ignoring only goes so far. Best of luck @Booajo–tough situation. It won’t improve until BIL decides to make significant changes which it doesn’t sound like are happening.
There is no such thing as a loan to a family member like this. Can you give this money permanently without resentment and without causing financial hardship or stress to yourself? And can you keep on giving? Because that is exactly what will happen.
I have BTDT. We finally shut off the faucet at “loan” number 4.
I can assure you that giving the money will not help your relationship. We have a better relationship with a family member we turned down, and I doubt she even remembers asking us for the money.
We loaned $500 once to a co-worker who was going through a tough time. He never paid us back, even after we asked him to.
Since then, our blanket statement is, “I’m sorry, but we have a rule that we don’t loan money to ANYBODY.” We’ve had to say it to family members a couple of times. And we don’t really care if they get angry.
How about “if you need a loan…go to a bank, credit union or other lending institution. If you can’t get a loan from one of them…why would we give you a loan?”
Please show you husband these comments to your post. It may help him to view the request through a different lens.
I think it really helps to have this kind of thing thought out ahead of time, in order to have a firm answer. An agreement with your husband that we do not loan money to anyone (except kids). We might give gifts in times of true financial urgency, but no loans, ever. It is solid in our minds, but this is it. So when someone comes asking for a loan, and you don’t buy off on it as critical and deserved, it’s already a no. Would he want you to loan money to someone on your side of the family he thought was a spendthrift and wouldn’t pay it back?
You know the loan won’t get paid back. You will resent it, and he will avoid you two. It will not help the family relationship. I know your H wants to help, but does he want his relationship ruined? Would it be so hard to say, “Sorry, we’re not financially able to give loans to people now.” He doesn’t have to elaborate that it will be never.
This is not a situation where someone who’s been responsible with money just has a sudden need for a loan and will likely pay it back (because they are responsible with money). My dad and his brother used to borrow back and forth all the time when one’s money was tied up in stocks. It was always short-term, maybe a couple of months, no interest, and always paid back. But, both were very thrifty and responsible with money.
When you’re dealing with someone who lives above their means, then this is a losing battle. It’s just plugging one hole in the dyke when there are many and will be many more.
This guy is GOING TO LOSE his house eventually…might as well be now.
Counting Down. Unfortunately SSDI is difficult to get. Not to get into the weeds, but typically it is an automatic rejection. And the it goes through appeals processes which I’m doing now.
I don’t think it’s fair to continue to ignore the request.
Even “we’re having trouble with this. I’m fairly sure we can’t find the money, but we’ll get back to you with a final answer by the weekend” is fair, but don’t leave him hanging.
I think we all know what’s the right thing to do. The difficulty is when the spouse feels guilty or obligation. What do you then? How far do you go along? We had a similar case. A distant relative, something like cousin once removed or tcousin once removed’ grown-up children. He exhausted his immediate family’s goodwil with frequent requests. They wanted $50,000. Spouse couldn’t say no. I brought the amount down to $10,000. That was the best I could do when the right amount would have been $0.
I think the fact that you are about to put several kids through college is a valid excuse for saying no. Just explain to him that your money is already committed.
Right. There is no need to even explain why the answer is no: Just simply say sorry, but you are not able to loan any money. (Or you do not loan money to anyone).
But do it today.
One of my very best friends is dealing with the repercussions of a similar situation right now and it’s so very sad.
My friend’s mother was a very wealthy woman - owning multiple desirable properties in extremely desirable areas of Brooklyn. Two kids were successful, hardworking, living within their means, but there’s always one. Her mom passed away last month and the two sisters (the responsible ones) are shocked to find out that over the years, the mom has gifted the son with hundreds of thousands of dollars, and had put his home and cars in her name. The husband of the oldest daughter is the executor (CPA), and the son came to him right after his mother’s funeral to ask for cash and to demand that the estate continue to pay his bills. The executor wants to cut him off and take the money “lent” to him over the years out of his share of the proceeds when all the property is sold. Needless to say that is not a popular option. He has a 25+ year history of not paying back loans from his mother, why would he do better with his sisters?
This is such a hard situation, and coming to an agreement with your spouse on how to handle it is the first step. You both need to find a way to be okay with your response. A less than firm resolve will lead to more requests down the road as BIL tries to wear you down.
I favor a simple No Response with no details. “No we are not able to lend you money.” Don’t try to soften the blow, as this will only fuel the BIL to engage in combative discourse to try to sway you.
If you get cornered and need a reply, your H can say that the two of you looked over your finances and your funds are already committed.
There is not a magical way for this to end well. Good luck!
I would give him the $500 and tell him don’t ask ever again. I would also point out that there is a reason you can afford it but if you continue to give him money, it will jeopardize your own financial planning. This way you don’t feel quilt now and you won’t feel quilts in the future
ohiopublic, Yes, standard procedure for SSDI is to reject the first time. A lot of folks who have the same kind of leukemia I do try to get SSDI and it usually takes 2-3 rounds before it is approved. I haven’t tried because despite the leukemia and heart attack, I am still better off than many others (and if I am able, I’d like to work at least some).
It’s a tough call when it comes to a sibling who is in need and has limited capacity for self-help.
There’s a fairly short list of conditions which get the “Compassionate Allowance” – i.e., you won’t be around long enough to collect much anyway. My brother who’s on the Do Not Loan List got a Compassionate Allowance. Boy, will he be surprised when he finds out next year he’ll be expected to PAY for his Medicare premiums. He has refused to buy insurance and has been relying on doctors giving him charity care.
As I mentioned above, some people (like my BIL) are very good at deciding how other people should spend their money (like-- on him, lol) but they don’t want to disclose how they recklessly spend their money. It doesn’t matter how much you have or whether or not you can afford to “lend” him the $, it’s YOUR money and YOU get to decide how to allocate it. No matter whether you tell him you can’t afford it. or not, he will think you can and will just get peeved. So don’t give any details or explanations, just say, sorry, no. We don’t lend money.