You don’t solve money problems with money - Suze Orman
If I am remembering correctly the OP’s brother is married. I am wondering if this is a scenario of spouses not co mingling money aka her money/his money. Is he expected to pay the child support out of his earnings? Does she pay half the mortgage? If the spouses are not co mingling the money I would want to know why the wife is not baling out the husband.
DH had a baby brother (BB) who mooched off their mom for years. He was 33 years old and living with mom when she became ill, and DH took over her finances. We saw in her checkbook that BB used to cash checks at the grocery store every few days. It was a situation where, if he was buying groceries for $20, he could write a check for $100 and pocket the cash. He bought himself a lot of toys. (Anyone want to buy some Star Trek plates?)
Mom was about to go into a nursing home and BB assumed he could continue to live in her house. He really behaved as if he were 15 years old. DH confronted him about stealing the money from her checking account and, after she passed away and we sold the house, DH withheld from BB’s share the funds he had stolen from mom. DH threatened BB with legal action if BB didn’t accept DH’s solution. BB was naive about what his options might have been and too scared of DH to even consider taking any options.
BB finally started to rent his own apartment. He was eventually evicted and moved in with their Older Brother. Older Brother supported BB for years and finally took BB to apply for welfare, SSDI (he had a major heart condition), and Medicaid. Once he started receiving those benefits, he felt like he was on easy street – since Older Brother was paying all of his expenses.
He passed away at age 52 from congestive heart failure and had a whopping $1,200 to his name when he died – plus the Star Trek plates, a collection of knives, a collection of watches, ShamWow (remember those?), and some other as-seen-on-TV-type items.
Families are sooooooooo strange.
“It’s just plugging one hole in the dyke”
Sounds risque for CC. @-)
We got suckered into “lending” a niece $10k because SIL begged us. It involved a lot of drama. The niece was buying into a very “lucrative” deal on a future RE development, a deal of a lifetime, that required prepayment of some earnest money. You know where the story goes. The condo project never materialized. Then we were asked if we would pay for the lawsuit… This time, thank goodness, Mr. B said no. Sadly, niece did not learn the lesson because the money she lost was not her own.
As Executor/Trustee of an estate, it is very important to make all things equal in the distribution after the death. If there are loans and/or assets that can be proven (with documents in the estate, or acknowledged by recipient) they are part of the heir’s allocation (even if taken from the estate prior to death).
The money and cars should be part of his allocation from the estate (if Mom paid for the money and cars and/or was paying the loan payments) and reduced from his portion of inheritance. Any other loans / gifts that were documented are a tricky situation because it is unknown if the Mom truly meant them as a ‘gift’ or an early disbursement. We had the same situation in our family and we decided it was an early disbursement from the estate and would be deducted from that heir’s proceeds.
Truer words never spoken . . . well done @jym626!
I have seen that phenomenon on multiple occasions, from different people.
My favorite was when it was suggested that we buy a house for some family members as a good ‘investment’. 8-|
What could possibly go wrong, right? When they don’t pay and we have to evict family members?
Ugh this stuff drives me nuts. You feel bad saying no, but phew.
I guess it depends on the relative, the amount of money, your own personal finances, etc…
My H and I have lent lots of money to relatives over the past 30 years and we’ve always gotten the money back promptly; in fact, I just sent a check off to my brother this morning. I hope I haven’t jinxed myself by posting here!
Absolutely depends on the relative. DS#1 borrowed some $ from his new FIL to help with the down payment on a house. It was paid back in less than a year. We would have lent it too if he’d asked. But a family member who has had decades and decades of fiscal mismanagement, consistently lives above their means and has no current source of income other than a pension that apparently doesnt cover basic costs- wanting an unsecured loan? No way.
This whole thread makes me thankful for my family. I would have written a check the same day for any of them knowing full-well they would pay us back. Never a dollar to OP’s BIL though.
My sibs would all pay us back, as would H’s. I wouldn’t “loan” to OP’s BIL tho. I wouldn’t gift either, as it would feel like pouring a pail of water into the ocean (of debt).
Yep. Even one “loan” sends the wrong message. It would make saying no the next time that much harder. Make a decision now and stick to it. My guess is he won’t end up on the street.
Agree that ONE “loan” or “gift” will have BIL believing that he can convince you to gift/loan more and will just prolong the unpleasantness.
It’s like dealing with a toddler. If after 20 minutes of tantrum you finally give in, the toddler figures that out.
@Iglooo did you get that $10,000 back?
I agree with the simple “no”.
Intermittent reinforcement is a very strong reinforcer–if you aren’t totally committed and firm, it can be sensed and will cause BIL to keep asking and appealing because he figures one of you will finally say yes, rinse and repeat.
Ironically, this quote happened to show up on another forum I was reading today:
“Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.”
Steven Wright
@thumper1 What do you think? But he hasn’t asked for more money since. Reducing the amount from $50K to $10K must have disappointed him.
I’m betting no… @Iglooo
But you are right…at least he hasn’t asked for more…yet.
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“It’s just plugging one hole in the dyke”
Sounds risque for CC
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Lol…oh my…so sorry for the typo…dike!