@BunsenBurner
<<< We got suckered into “lending” a niece $10k because SIL begged us. It>>>
Did SIL ever apologize or say anything after this disaster?
We just have a blanket policy–no lending money, EVER to anyone (except my kids and then it’s really a gift). It’s much cleaner this way. If we want to gift, we gift.
Nope. Not a peep. We just let it slide… But we stopped being the bank to that niece who has since made a few other bad decisions with other people’s money. My point is… When it is not your own hard-earned $$, and there is no accountability, it is easy to mismanage the $$. After all, the family is not going to drag you to court to recover the $$.
We did lend BIL $10K when he was getting divorced (his ex initiated as she had a love interest); we knew he would be good for it, and he was. Signed a note, paid on time and paid back with reasonable interest.
It depends on who it is, the circumstances, and dependability on repayment.
I learned a valuable lesson in HS - a friend didn’t have lunch money and asked to borrow; I didn’t want to see her go w/o and figured she would be good to repay me. She borrowed a few more times and never repaid - I confronted her and she said she repaid. So next time she wanted to borrow, I said I didn’t have any money for her. Some people just have screwed up thinking.
Wow- a distant relative had the cojones to ask for $50K? How did they plan to repay that (obviously they didn’t). That’s like asking for a years salary (for some). My #&%W_($%&BIL didn’t ask for that much, but he asked for more than several people here have mentioned they “loaned” to family. It was a lot. We didn’t negotiate down, DH just said no (thank heavens- that is very hard for him to do- he is a softie). Even more annoying for us was that BIL’s “request” came just after we spent a lot, a LOT of $ on essentially an all expenses paid trip for his family to join us on a vacation with us as our guests. He must think we are a bottomless money pit. We are not.
Shortly before she died, my mom reviewed her Trust with me. She said if I wondered why she didn’t leave a certain relative $$$, it was because she felt she had given enough. Mom said this relative would come crying that she didn’t have funds for a roof, which would easily cost over $30,000 for 6 bedroom house, and many other purchases. My mom also felt this relative spent a lot on luxuries.
When mom died, my sister thought we should gift some $ to this person. We each gave $1000. I didn’t have the heart to share with my sister all my parents had already given. I wish one of my parents had added a short note into their Trust, along the lines of “To -----, you have much we love you, and have been generous to you thru the years”.
OK, I’ll be outing myself to those who have heard this story, but…
I went to college with my sisters future husband. He “ran in” to me several times on campus and invited me to lunch, even offering to pay. But oops, he was out of money, out of checks, didn’t have his wallet with him…so I paid, and he always promised to pay next time. I finally got a clue and stopped going to lunch with him, and said at one point “Don’t forget you owe me lunch.” To which he replied “Oh, I’ll never forget. On my dying day, I’ll remember I owe you lunch.”
[Translation for the honest/slow reader: I’ll always owe you because I never intend to repay you.]
Anyway, he married my sister, and died a violent death at a young age. It’s been long enough now that I told her the story, and said I wondered whether, as he died, he thought “I still owe MomofJandL lunch.”
@thumper1 You guessed right. I consider the problem solved. If he askes again, we will give him even less amount. For someone asking for money, he isn’t too interested in a small amount.
You all seem to be lucky and on the same page as your spouse. But some people find it hard to say no. Then what? Would you make it a battle against your spouse?
We have mostly been on the same page on this, plus nobody asks for money any more. It used to cause arguments, I had a friend often asking for small amounts of money.
But if it was larger amounts, and there were arguments, this would be one time that I’d consider splitting money into his and her accounts. After expenses are paid, money can go into separate accounts for the extra things we want in life. You want to give all your play money to the relative with his hand out all the time instead? Go ahead! Makes it a little more difficult, i think.
One of the main reasons my friend has his, hers, theirs accounts is that her H is beset with relatives that always have a hand out but are never grateful that H chooses to help them. They feel it’s their due. My friend feels slightly less resentful that he can only gift HIS money, not hers or theirs.
Update: H spoke with BIL today. Good news: request is for reasonably small amount (less than $3k). Better news: BIL agreed to go to his bank first. (That part annoyed me to, because why not go to bank first?!? Whatever.) Best news: H didn’t commit to open ended loan. So saga continues.
H feels that “life is short and there is no reason to be mean if you don’t have to.” I’m hoping that BILs bank will come through.
Intriguing that BIL has no credit card and just uses debit account instead because he feels that he isn’t able to manage open credit lines well. So he has actually improved from when he was in his 20s and crazy irresponsible.
It isn’t mean to not want to develop a co-dependent relationship with a sib that will likely make things increasingly awkward. Money lent and owed can definitely do bad things.
@Booajo ; Life is short-- there’s no reason to do without as you wait for others to pay you back.
Sister is married to the youngest of a family of 8; over his years of being single, his older sisters milked money and services out of him. When my sister married him, one sister actually asked my sister if his assets would be going to her and her daughter if he died! His ‘generosity’ also ended; it turns out he was in debt just to be a ‘good guy’ to his older leaching sisters.
@Booajo, so what is his plan to cover the mortgage and child support next month? And the month after that? I recall you said he had a plan to increase his income, but even if that works out, it will take time. Are you concerned that if your husband agrees, this will be a monthly request?
I also don’t agree that he’s being responsible by not having an open credit line. It’s likely he doesn’t have one because he has overutilized those, not paid them back, and has too poor credit to get more. It sounds like he views family as an open credit line. Has your H asked other family members if he’s borrowed, and how it went?
The answer to this is changing his lifestyle. Selling his stuff, working more (delivering pizzas, doing anything). Keeping him afloat another month without changing anything will do nothing. My prediction is that the bank will say no way (or he won’t even ask), and your husband will give him the money. I suggest you have a plan in place if this happens…i.e., H agrees that this is it, tells him so, and sticks to it. Good luck!
There is literally no other family to ask than these two brothers. In the past, he did pay his non-bank loans back, although slowly. He offered to pay us back over next year via direct withdrawal, so I do think we’ll get paid back.
We know the plan for future (short term for sure–he has signed a new contract for his business that starts September 1), and he knows that we are extremely unhappy with this request. So I’m probably just going to let this go IF it does play out. Still hoping bank will be better option for us all.