Let's Talk About Anxiety

Parent Cafe
41

@LeastComplicated I have MVP, too, and get the palpitations associated with it occasionally, in addition to my other heart rate issues. I think when someone is new to this, the strange physical sensations can trigger an anxious response. Over time and with the reassurance of a cardiologist after a thorough evaluation, I think it’s possible to get to a point where it doesn’t elicit the same response. Or, if it does, you can become good at quickly and effectively bringing yourself down.

As a young woman, I was on a plane that developed engine problems and I developed PTSD as a result. I was taught that the physical rush of panic lasts a very short time, just a few minutes. So you can learn to think in such a way that the panic attack can really be cut short and not continued through negative thoughts. Of course, all of this assumes a normally functioning system, and hormone changes muck things up, too. It’s rare that I feel anxiety and, strangely, perimenopause seems to have lessened my anxious responses more than ever. Now I’m just in a perpetual low mood. Oh well.

@doschicos had a question about genetics.

My siblings and I have had very little contact with my father or his relatives as children, teens, or young adults. When I got in touch with my paternal aunts when I was middle aged myself, I learned there is a lot of anxiety and depression in the family. I already knew there was a lot of alchoholism and drug use, so they are all self-medicating, I suppose.

Both of my siblings have had serious addiction issues. The only time I remember my one sibling during a period of not using, she talked constantly of her struggles with anxiety and her nails were bitten to the quick. My other sibling is remote and doesn’t talk about it, though he went from alcoholic to workaholic and says he now uses coffee as a mood lifter.

So I attribute a lot to genetics.

I always ask myself why I didn’t end up having the same problems. Partly, I think it’s because I got my mom’s genetics, in that alcohol tends to make us both feel sick and we both have problems with sulfites. Beer can even make me feel wheezy, unless it’s German and made according to their purity laws.

The other thing that helped me is having positive opportunities. Because I did well in school, I had a good, affordable college option. At college, there was a free counseling center. So when I had the bad flight and subsequent PTSD, I had very good resources. My siblings never had that in the same way. I had good, interesting things all around me and a lot of validation to help counter the negative feelings. I don’t think my siblings had much of that, and the one with the worse addiction problems had the least.

Therefore, when there is a family history of anxiety or depression, I strongly advocate being pro-active. Get the counseling for yourself and/or your kids. And try to find and provide positive life experiences and opportunities to create chances for validation and long-term success.

42

Sometimes, genetics determine an outcome. Other times, all they do is yield a proclivity, a possible but not predetermined result. Eg, the child of alcoholics isn’t bound to be one. He or she could take a different approach, manage. Not saying it’s simple.

Hugs to all of you. But there’s much medical science still doesn’t know. Nature vs nurture, learned vs unavoidable. Sometimes, keeping a familiar reaction, because it is the way we’ve always reacted. Eg, fearing the worst when a child is late. Sometimes, that’s a rehearsal of sorts for what could be the worst. Then, some have a (good) rush when it turns out ok. And a cycle begins.

I’m also a nitpicker, when it comes to planning. Some know I agonized recently over a paint color. But I know this comes in part from having been a crisis manager and believing the first step in resolution is really prevention, in the first place. And knowing your options, if something does go awry.

The paint paralysis was knowing that, if I do choose wrong, I’m the one who has to fix it (DIY.) Me. A version of ‘a stitch in time saves nine.’

I just hope some of you can go easier on yourselves. Hugs.

43

My family and my spouse’s family have a history of severe anxiety. Both of my kids have suffered from serious anxiety-related disorders (one has OCD/GAD and the other is much less impacted but has had panic attacks and mild Tourette’s). I escaped anything other than mild anxiety, which responds well to yoga and that sort of thing, but my spouse has childhood-onset OCD. Thankfully, my kids and spouse have all responded incredibly well to medication. I literally am thankful every day that it is so effective for them. CBT is also helpful.

Oddly, it wasn’t until I first did a family tree at the request of a psychiatrist when my oldest was 6ish that I actually realized the pervasive infiltration of anxiety-related disorders throughout both families. My kids come by it honestly!

44

New York Times ran a long article about teenagers and anxiety. I found it very interesting and worth reading.https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html

I am not onboard with a statement that follows sentences on how parents cope with kids with anxiety by letting them stay in the car when running errands, accommodating food requests when kids will only eat certain foods, etc -" “So many teens have lost the ability to tolerate distress and uncertainty, and a big reason for that is the way we parent them,” Ashworth said."

I truly don’t believe that the anxiety would have been nipped in the bud by not acquiescing to anxious behavior. Would it be fair to say that by the time the behavior manifests, the anxiety has already rooted?

45

I have always had some low-level anxiety, but after Hurricane Sandy, with commutes lasting more than 3 hours in each direction for months, I developed overwhelming panic attacks and claustrophobia. It’s taken a lot of work to bring that to a manageable level. This morning was a terrible commute, and I felt the beginnings of a panic attack, but was able to use techniques to get through it. I felt such power and relief from getting through that.

46

@“Snowball City” my roommate/best friend has bad anxiety. His family is very much a “man up!” kind of family where he was never allowed to stay in the car or reject foods.

So while not forcing kids out of their comfort zones may have something to do with it, it certainly isn’t a cure.

47

My son has it. Anxiety has played a huge (and very destructive) role in his life. Part of the problem was that he wasn’t honest with us, his teachers – and himself – about the extent that anxiety affected him on a daily basis. Today he understand it and himself better – but the fear of anxiety keeps him from returning to college even though when he left college he was doing well, and getting good grades. At the time he felt school just took too much out of him psychologically, and that “doing well” in college came at a too-high a price. He works at a job that is completely stress-free. It’s not a well paying job and certainly no stepping stone to any career. But he appreciates that it causes him no anxiety. And he’s happy. So…

48

Is it “man up” or is it teaching your kids the skills and adaptability to handle tasks and activities that might be unpleasant to them? Does repetition and the learning of coping mechanisms, if handled well, help lessen the anxiety through desensitization through exposure? Don’t have the answers, just wondering…

49

^ Presumably the way you approach it matters. If “man up, you stupid wimp” is how it comes across, that’s not constructive. (And I’m sure some parents do approach it that way. The ones who don’t believe anxiety is a medical condition.) “You’ve done this before, you can do it again, I’ll be right there with you” isn’t quite the same thing and might actually help some people.

50

Yes in this case it was the approach. You get mocked relentlessly in his family if you’re a male and dare to show an ounce of emotion.

51

What I found most interesting in the NYT article was the tremendous upsurge that coincided with the widespread usege of smart phones. The self-reported percentages of anxiety in the UCLA survey are striking. I don’t know what the solution is, but from my own experience with teens, the constant comparisons with their peers and the need to project a certain image regardless of the truth can cause great anxiety. That combined with a college application frenzy which seems to grow more intense every year leads to a warped perspective that their futures are going to be ruined if they don’t succeed perfectly in every situation. You see it here all the time–kids who think their lives are ruined if they get a B. It’s so sad.

52

I didn’t go to UCLA, but I did go to a similar school (UC Berkeley) and I can tell you there were MANY anxiety-ridden students there! I had several good friends who used the school’s counseling services. And this was decades before cell phones. (Heck, this was before Walkman, though some of you youngsters may have to look up that particular gadget).

53

@katliamom, yes, but the question is what’s caused the upsurge. From the article that has surveyed UCLA students for decades: 18% self-reported anxiety in 1985; 29% in 2010, and 41% in 2016.

54

I think it’s because the stigma of having a “mental” illness has been reduced significantly since 1985. I see lots of anxiety related material in social media and websites geared towards teenagers and young adults. So kids are more educated about anxiety and less likely to feel embarrassed about admitting they have a problem with it.

I do think though, that with all the information available online about mental illness and that talking about it has become normalized, that there are many people who diagnose themselves and say “Oh, man - I get anxiety so bad”, when they’re just feeling normal emotions. There’s a difference between feeling anxious/stressed and having an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are those serious enough to keep one from functioning normally in daily activities. I don’t think 41% of students at UCLA have anxiety disorders - they are just feeling normal situational anxiety.

See the table on this page that describes the difference. https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety

55

Check out EMDR therapy. It sounds too hokey, new wavish and woo woo to be ‘real’.

It is. I’m proof.

There is data.

Works much better than CBT. It resets the brain processes that cause anxiety.

56

I wonder if having a label is part of it, @LeastComplicated. In the old days, one could be nervous before a test or shy when meeting new people. Some of that was considered fleeting or just one aspect of life. Now it’s a diagnosis. (Or a self-diagnosis.) And it sticks.

I think it’s important to get help to distinguish between what’s triggered by thoughts and events that could worry most people (the usual triggers, where we do need the fight or flight, to rise to a challenge or hunker down,) versus a low bar or a real fear that takes over everyday functioning. I don’t know if that sounds unsympathetic, I do understand anxiety is real and can be crippling.

57

Disregard. Sorry can only edit not delete - I clicked on post comment too quickly.

58

Has anyone posted this article from this weekend’s NYT magazine? https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html

59

Haven’t read the Times article yet, but sometimes true anxiety does not manifest until a kid is out of the house. Was just talking to one of my kids the other day. He had a stressful situation and said that it went fine objectively but the anxiety made him feel it did not. I was trying (and failing) to explain that everyone feels anxious in those sorts of situation and he explained that prior to developing anxiety he knew what being “normal” anxious is and that this is very different. He had many moments of being outside his comfort zone and also support for those things that made him anxious (which were pretty limited as a child, storms being one). Not sure that parenting (assuming in the range of decent parents) really impacts this as much as brain chemistry.

I also think that the label and the availability of seemingly benign meds has played a part in the increase. I recall not being able to eat or sleep and feeling faint before anxiety-inducing events, but have learned to talk myself around. Not sure if I was a student today that I might not have labeled myself with anxiety.

60

I agree with TTdd16 but I think it’s social media (access to which is made possible by smart phones). My stepDs complain that they are constantly bombarded with pictures of their peers doing all these fun things having a great time and they’re not which makes them feel down and anxious. I told them nobody posts a photo of themselves on Instagram being bored.