Letting Go: Anyone else do really stupid things to your kids that you KNOW you shouldn't have?

Parent Cafe
1

Yeah, I remember thinking about my kid going to college.

I had a college picked out for her. About twenty miles away. Not a bad school, as abysmally unaffordable as the rest, but hey, maybe she’d want to commute and continue to live at home? Save herself some debt, have a smoother transition into adulthood. Yep, my plan sounded great.

With one glaring problem. I never mentioned this preconceived notion, until she started filling out college applications.

“Uh, no, Mom. I’m not going to school there.”

And I was kinda stunned…cause I’d really put some thought into how this would work…and…what was she saying? Was she suggesting she might go away to school somewhere else? What would be the point of that? She could get a great education close by, save money, you have to grow up and face practicality, right?

I heard the words come out of my mouth before I could think to stop myself…

“Well, if I’m paying the bill, you might not have a choice.”

She gave me this look of abject pity.

“Mom, I don’t want to go there. They don’t even have a program i’m interested in. I’m going to try to get into University of Michigan. If I get accepted, that’s where I’m going. With or without your help.”

It was galling how gently she told me this. She was firm, but kind.

I thought to myself…how in the world does she think she’ll pull THAT off? She couldn’t possibly go there without my help. Could she? I mean, I still have the final say, right? Right? What are the chances of her even getting accepted? Pfft!

Just before Christmas she got an early acceptance letter to the University of Michigan. She was offered a tremendous aide package, complete with grants, work study, a departmental scholarship, and loan offers. OMG…she was right. With or without my help or permission…she could go.

It was painfully hard for me to think about my kid going to school 150 miles away. I know for a lot of people, that’s small potatoes, but for me, it seemed like I’d never see her again. Especially compared to my fantasy of turning the basement into an apartment for her. It was tough to digest at first. I’ll admit, I kinda panicked.

Thankfully, sanity took over fear, and a deep seated pride began to develop. The kid has guts. She wanted this so much, she pushed it through all on her own. She fought for it. It’s hard not to respect that. And it’s equally hard not to realize that you value things you fight for, and that it would be an opportunity she would commit to with diligence. How cool is it that she got into a great school? Who knew she could do that? I was so impressed. And terrified. And proud. And terrified.

After our first visit to Ann Arbor, it was more than clear she’d been right all along. She came alive there. It was undeniably the place she fit, where was meant to be…my comfort level be damned. My choices and preferences be damned. It was her life, and she intended to live it fearlessly and fiercely. And I sort of…respected the hell out of her for that.

One day we wake up and our kids aren’t kids anymore. They’re people. With choices to make and lives to live. And as parents we find ourselves with that breathless dilemma of trying to pretend they’re still kids, and push our own agenda, or stepping back and watching these amazing people we raised bloom into the adults they are meant to be… while rooting as hard as we can for every success, and being a soft place to land for every stumble.

A word from someone who has been there…don’t push your agenda. Trust your kid. And while you can’t always trust everything about the world, trust your kid’s competency, their intelligence, their superior knowledge of what’s right…for them.

Trust that they will be ok, and that they can and will… find their own way.

(I can’t be the only Mom who has behaved like a nut at this impasse. If you’ve been there, and learned the hard way like I did…maybe share your story for the uninitiated? I think these types of struggles and feelings are remarkably common, but I have yet to find any resources that discuss them)

2

What a lovely post, and what a lovely story!

I, of course, never did anything like this to my kids. Ha ha ha ha ha.

3

Well, there was when our son was a infant/toddler/small child, we would play music in the desperate hope he would finally go to sleep and let us rest…well, said son is a serious music student in his last year of conservatory, and we figured out playing music stimulated him and did the opposite of what we wanted.

4

Congratulations to your D and to you for raising such a wonderful determined smart young lady.
I hope you have expressed to your D what you have shared with us in this lovely post.

5

I most definitely have. If you have the guts to tell your kids when you were wrong, it sets a great example for them being able to do the same when they need to someday. Never a bad idea to say you’re sorry. She cut me some slack cause she knows I’m crazy about her and would miss her exponentially.

The really crappy thing about being a parent…is that when they finally get really interesting to have around and fascinating to talk to…they up and leave you! Nature of the business, I suppose:)

I’m lucky to have a kid who has Herculean patience with my neediness. She calls me a lot, texts me pics a lot, and once in a while…even comes home to see us:) Good kid. Cannot complain.

6

Great post – honest, inspiring, well-written. Thanks so much for sharing it.

7

I wouldn’t necessarily call it stupid, but I still somewhat obsessively text my daughters when they’re setting out on trips, to find out if they’ve made it to the airport (or train station or bus station) on time. They’re pretty good-natured about this annoying habit of mine; we’ve discussed that anxiety runs in the family. And I whole-heartedly agree with the OP’s comment that it’s a shame that our children fly the coop just when they’ve become so much fun to have around!

8

As our eldest prepared to go off to college in the fall 2014, 4 hours away, I had so much fun picking out his bedding to coordinate, he liked to cook, so I got him all set up with his paraphernalia for that, and everything was good. I was so proud and excited for him the entire time. I was confident the whole time getting him ready over the summer and it was what we had prepared him for and he had done the work for. Then it was time to leave him. Instantly and without warning, I got choked up and I cried a little. But it didn’t last long and all was ok. I felt bad after we returned home, because I didn’t call or text him for over a week. He had to call me. I was busy with two other high school kids, one a Junior and one a Senior.

So, daughter leaves in 2015, Again, 4 hours away but north this time. Same thing. We had so much fun getting her dorm stuff, meeting the roommate, and traveling to the school to attend some football games. My dad had played football back in his day at this university and we just made it all a bunch of great fun. I teared up again when it was time to leave her but I knew this was right and it was all good.

So youngest was the only one home 2015-2016 for his Sr. year but was really rarely here. He worked full time June and July and was gone most of the month of August. When he returned, we took him to College the very next day, two days after official move in day.

I was a mess for weeks before he left. Actually, starting about April before he graduated. I could not read any of the mushy stuff people were posting on FB about raising kids, letting them fly, to moms of boys, this or that because it made me sad and I would cry. I normally don’t do sad for no apparent reason. I will choke up with touching stories of old people or children or animals, but I don’t get sad and cry all the time. It’s just not me.
I did my duty getting his dorm stuff ready but when all the busy work was complete, the sad really set in. Now What? I did not want him to see me cry and this upset. I did not want him to go off 3 hours away to a hard major and be worrying about his mother having a crying jag and breakdown because he was leaving. I could not do that to him. So, I put on a happy face and suppressed my feelings. So, we are beebopping along towards the end of July and one day, out of the blue he just says, “Gosh, I think the thing I am going to miss the most is your homemade chicken pot pie”. and I just welled up and could not stop the tears. He didn’t see that coming and was like WTH? Then he tried to console me. That was so sweet and it was so sad. He was like, Mom, it’s ok. Blah blah blah.

So over the next few days, I was feeling really guilty about being so emotional and worrying about how he was feeling now that I put this pressure on him that mom is going to be a basket case. All of a sudden, in talking with myself, I had a realization. My being sad was not about his leaving. Yea, I was going to miss him but I was sad about me. My life was changing and I didn’t know what I was going to do next. I had no one at home to mother anymore. I had spent 22 years being a stay at home mom and getting kids ready for their next steps. This had been my job all of those years and it was about to end. Yes, we never stop parenting, but I no longer had any kids to parent. I had 3 adults. This was a big phase of my job and now it was over.

So, once I figured that out, I can’t tell you what a huge relief that was. Once I pinpointed where my sadness and ache was coming from, it all was ok, and I knew I would figure the next stage out.

So, I went to my son and I told him that I hoped he wasn’t feeling anxiety/or eager to leave because I was so upset. That I had figured out why I was feeling so emotional and I explained it all. He understood and it was all good. I didn’t even tear up when I left him at school or when he left the first time coming home. And I did make a chicken pot pie.

9

Oh my gosh great post . . . fun to read. Thank you!

One of mine didn’t go, felt called to something else. That was one of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around, but he has made me a believer!

They really do figure things out if we let them.