<p>Oh my God. I am so, so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and as a student your story is something that will definitely stick with me throughout my college career.</p>
<p>Psychomom–
Again, you have my heartfelt best wishes for the strength to pull through this devestating phase.</p>
<p>If it provides even a glimmer of positive to come from your posting here, I have made both my sons, ages 16 and 20, read this thread. A powerful lesson about the need to make choices that keep us away from life’s thin ice. The oldest leaves next week for 6 months in Ecuador, so I am anxious about the risks involved.</p>
<p>Last Saturday night, Son’s friend, who is the Worst Driver of All Time, picked him up to go somewhere just a mile or so away. We all sort of joked about it being dangerous for Son to ride with him. Son made it home safely, but the kid did knock over our mailbox backing out of the driveway at the end of the night. </p>
<p>This thread is a stark reminder that poor or distracted driving is no laughing matter. We need to teach our younger kids (the ones who still listen to us!) to be careful who they get into a car with. Kids tend to laugh about the “close calls” but we do need to teach them that it can be a matter of life or death and not a laughing matter. Maybe if our kids read this thread, they’ll be braver about being the “stick in the mud” who won’t get in the car.</p>
<p>That goes for parents, too. Our younger D was in a car pool where the non-custodial alcoholic father of one of the girls started taking his turn. We were scared to death and my husband ended up driving twice as many times to excuse the guy from driving.</p>
<p>P Mom</p>
<pre><code> I PM’d you. Hugs.
</code></pre>
<p>PMom, your post from last night made me cry and smile at the same time. I had my 20 y/o son read this thread today. Thank you for sharing thru your pain. I hope you gain some small measure of comfort from this virtual community and all the good people who are thinking of you and your family.</p>
<p>Accidents happen all the times and it’s more tragic when a kid’s involved. It’s not your fault at all as no one can prevent accidents from happening. Chance plays a big role in life, more so than people think. My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>Thank you for sharing your heart breaking story. I couldn’t hold back my tears as I read this thread. Such unbelievable pain. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.</p>
<p>Just found this thread and all I wanted to say is that I am holding you in my heart.</p>
<p>Words fail me…
I admire your courage in posting and sharing your grief with us. Know that we are all here to support you, listen and send prayers of healing and hope to you and your family.</p>
<p>You are so brave to post this. You are honoring the memory of your son by posting this, because all of us will show our college age kids this thread and you will probably save many more lives because you were brave enough to share this.</p>
<p>I agree with the other parents, it is not your fault/ as you said you son was a straight-good student/athlete so clearly you did your job raising him well. It is hard to understand the changes he went through, but for 18 years YOU DID YOUR JOB WELL. Alcohol and pot are so insidious, and you had no control once he went off to college.</p>
<p>I am saying a prayer for you, your husband and your daughter. You are incredible and a great mom…please know that.</p>
<p>I just opened this thread for the first time. I don’t even know what to say beyond … I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you will eventually find some peace.</p>
<p>I read this thread last night and didn’t know what to say. I prayed for you and your family last night and this morning. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are all going through now.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry PsychomomTX. I will pray for you and your family. I lost my sister several years ago when she was only 31. I remember how numb I felft for two years afterward. Allow yourself time to grieve. If you are anywhere near Houston, First United Methodist Church has a grief support group.</p>
<p>hi all, </p>
<p>I haven’t regularly gone to church since my kids were small, but this morning I went with DD and my husband to my mom’s church, the church that I went to as a kid. I can’t explain how, but it was SO rejuvenating. it’s a smaller neighborhood church, so many of the congregation members are long family friends. Everyone was so wonderful and I received another hefty care package. I don’t consider myself an extremely religious person but something about being there just made me feel so secure. I cried through the whole service, nearly - there are few things I can do lately without breaking into tears in the middle. After a nice lunch with some old friends, we drove home. </p>
<p>Like I mentioned earlier, I’m a high school psychology teacher… School is starting on August 23, but teachers begin with meetings/room preparation/lesson plans on Wednesday. ugh. I just don’t think I’ll be able to do this. Anyone who’s ever had to deal with the death of a family member knows that you can only take so many condolences before it begins to have the opposite effect. I truly love my job, but I don’t know if I can handle being around so many people right now. In my school district there’s so much politics and idiotic red tape involved in the way things are conducted and I can’t deal with it. However, the principal at my school personally called me yesterday expressing his condolences and telling me to take off “as much time as I need.” I just feel like I’d be letting down my students if I took off an excessive amount of time. Plus, I’d let myself down if I just dropped out of society and sat at home bawling. But … <em>sigh</em>…</p>
<p>I feel better, but still I’m in denial… I feel like I’ve tried too hard to expedite the healing process. I had a nightmare (can’t remember the details) and then I woke up in a cold sweat at around 4:30. for a second it seemed like EVERYTHING that happened was just a dream, and then the next second I was crying my eyes out and i couldn’t get back to sleep for around an hour. It’s like when you have the flu and you finally feel like you’re getting better, and you tell yourself you’re JUST going to walk a couple of blocks to the store… then, smack, you’re stuck out in the street struggling for breath, seeing stars and wondering why you crawled out of bed in the first place…</p>
<p>writing here is just so therapeutic. it’s almost like writing in a diary. again, thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers, including those of you who have suggested books and support groups and the like. </p>
<p>penny</p>
<p>Hi Penny,</p>
<p>First, thanks for having the courage to tell about the loss of your son, and to keep coming back here to talk. You are helping each of us who reads this to appreciate our kids, no matter what, and to be better parents. Every time one of mine walks out the door, I worry. Sometimes more than others. As so many others have said, please don’t blame yourself for this sequence of events. Most of us have been at least partway down this path, and we don’t get to choose the outcome, no matter how hard we hope our kids will stay safe, say “no” and so on. It’s just not up to us, once they reach a certain age.</p>
<p>It sounds like you had a relatively good day, reconnecting with your church. No matter what your faith, churches can be a tremendous source of strength and contact with caring people. Maybe you’ll find a comfortable place to attend close to home, if you’re open to it.</p>
<p>The work thing will be challenging. Sometimes people with losses need to go to work to keep up their routine and to feel useful. I suspect you are good at your job and feel rewarded by the work you do. Can you see yourself there this soon? It sounds like you’re most worried about having to reprocess this experience with your coworkers and students. When you decide to go back, maybe you could let your boss and coworkers know what you need. Getting to choose who you talk to about this might be one of the only things you get to control in this whole terribly sad loss.</p>
<p>I’ve thought about you and your family a lot in the last few days and want you to know your posts have spoken to me as a mom, expressing the anguish we are all vulnerable to when we raise these children. Take care.</p>
<p>Penny, It is wonderful that you felt good attending the church from your childhood.</p>
<p>I really don’t have advice to give, but I thought I’d tell you one story. When I was in graduate school I had a physiology professor whose son died unexpectedly. We were shocked to see our professor show up for our very next class. He just went right back to work. That does not mean that is for everyone. I guess this is just what this person felt was best for him. I remember how pale and how stoic he appeared to us. He must have just been in shock and I guess he thought that doing his regular routine would be best for him and/or his family. He just walked into the classroom, opened our text and began to read from it. Then he began teaching as usual and he never missed a class for the rest of that semester. He knew that we knew of his personal tragic loss. I am sure that he did not want to talk about it with his students, so the way he dealt with it was by immediately distancing himself from his students by reading from the text right away and behaving in a stoic manner. This appeared to work in some way for him as he contined teaching for the semester.</p>
<p>Penny, Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. I am so glad that you found some comfort at church today. As to work give yourself more time and you will know when you are ready. Just know that you have many thinking of you here.</p>
<p>Penny, I’d also like to thank you too for continuing to share with us. Even though you are experiencing a parent’s worst nightmare, there is something oddly reassuring about reading your posts. You are facing this, maintaining your humanity, reaching out to others, finding comfort with your family and friends – it is all so very touching and moving. We are all so human and frail. Thank you for reminding us.</p>
<p>This thread just breaks my heart. I don’t know where you find strength after something like this happens. You are finding it in your way. </p>
<p>I don’t know whether this will help or not because I can’t begin to give advice to someone who has suffered such a loss, but I find your writings similar in ways to those of the mother of Morgan Harrington, the young woman murdered in Charlottesville last year. She has posted a blog since Morgan disappeared last November. The posts are heartbreaking, yet full of strength. She, too, struggles with making sense of the healing process - the anger, the guilt, the love. If you think reading about the struggle of another parent who has suffered a devastating loss will help, you can find it here </p>
<p>[findmorgan.com</a> Family Blog](<a href=“http://findmorgan.com/category/family-blog]findmorgan.com”>http://findmorgan.com/category/family-blog)</p>
<p>Penny, your story has touched my heart. I know you’re sick of hearing it, but I have to say it – I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to comprehend your loss, although I totally get the mom-guilt. I wonder if that ever goes away when something goes wrong with our kids.</p>
<p>I think you put your finger on something important when you said that you’re trying too hard with the grieving process. With a loss this great, it’s going to take alot of time, and you’re still at the very beginning of that process. It will take as long as it takes; give yourself permission to go at your own pace.</p>
<p>I’m glad you’ve found this a therapeutic place to pour out your feelings. I also think that a good counsellor or support group might be a good thing. That, of course, is different from the endless condolences from friends and acquaintances which, while heartfelt and well-meaning, may not help you with the work you need to do now. You may need to spend some time with the only people who really know what you’re going through, other parents who’ve been through it. Perhaps your pastor knows of some resources that would help you.</p>
<p>I will join with everyone else in telling you that it wasn’t your fault. Please be patient and kind with yourself.</p>