<p>/sends virtual hug</p>
<p>My heart aches for you, Psychomom, and for all the others who have posted with stories of loss.</p>
<p>Please, please, be kind to yourself.</p>
<p>You’re living all of our worst nightmares. Hope we can all learn something from it.</p>
<p>Don’t know how much of the problem was from the marijuana; all I know is I had a great friend in college who went from serious scholar to hermit burnout in about a year and a half due to marijuana. Don’t know why so many people claim it’s harmless.</p>
<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you.</p>
<p>QLM</p>
<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you and PAO2008. Please read PAO2008’s posts many times. There is great wisdom there. </p>
<p>Psychomom, my aunt and uncle lost both of their kids. The older one died of an overdose. Years later, the younger one died of an illness combined with the long-term effects of drug abuse. Yet they are good, God-fearing people who loved their kids, gave them a good home and sent them to school everyday and never touched drugs themselves. They fought and struggled with their older son and he would not give up the drugs. Finally, when my cousin was in his early 30s, my uncle kicked him out of the house-- and my cousin was found dead about 6 months later. The younger one did drugs but, after what happened to the older one, my aunt couldn’t bear to kick him out. So my younger cousin took advantage of the situation and my aunt and uncle had to pay attorneys. They are not to blame for the decisions their sons made as young adults. They had taught them well but, at some point, we all have free will. </p>
<p>Somehow, my aunt has weathered through. She visits the cemetery often and she went out and her coworkers are a great source of support for her. For the first time in her life, she got a job. It gives her somewhere to go, something to do and gets her mind off her troubles. My uncle is retired and he sits, watches tv and ponders all day long. I went to see him a few weeks ago and left ahead of time because he’s becoming more and more bitter. He is bitter to those who have children and grandchildren. He is bitter to those who are kind. Why? Because they too have made decisions. </p>
<p>Right now, the most important thing is just to breathe and get through. This is the worst horror of your life and staying with your mom is probably good. Surround yourself with support, take good care of yourself and give your daughter many hugs. Eventually, you may want to look at finding some outside support to help you through this. Please remember that you are not to blame and please remember all the joy that you had with your son. You know, I always hate it when an elderly person dies and they put all these pictures up of them just before they died-- as everyone remembers them. I want to be remembered by how I looked at my prime. In the same way, remember your son not at his low points but remember all those beautiful years you had with him. He was the same person, just going through some rough times. ((((Psychomom))))</p>
<p>My thoughts and prayers have been with you since you have posted. There are so many people that you have touched by sharing this most tragic and horrific story. There is not a parent who has read this that is not saying but for the grace of God go I, so please try to remember that sometimes all the love in the world can not make our children live the way we hope they will. You did the best you could and loved your son. This horrible accident was the result of alcohol/drugs but your son was not the only kid to ever get in a car with a driver who was under the influence. It is especially painful because of the recent memories but I hope you will start to remember all the years of great memories that you had with your beautiful son. My heart is with you and your family and all the others who are suffering from this nightmare.</p>
<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you. I too have lived with the terrible effects of drug and alcohol addiction. My son is now 19 years old and 2 1/2 years sober, but I feared the worse for a long time. I believe that your son died tragically from an illness that he could not control, and you could not have done anything to change his symptoms, only provided support. Alanon is a great resource to help with the grief and guilt that you are feeling, when you are ready. My youngest D will leave for college in 2 weeks, and I will share your story with her and hopefully she will continue to make good decisions regarding alcohol and drug use. Thank you for having the courage to post your story here.</p>
<p>just wanting to add my prayers for you, your husband and your daughter. Hold tight to one another. Physical contact with those you love speaks volumes when there are no more words to say.</p>
<p>Thoughts. Prayers. Hugs. I’ve tried to think of something to write since I found this thread a few days ago, but there are no words to say.</p>
<p>I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. I hope that in time, remembering the good, and thinking about the joy your son gave you during his life, will be a source of comfort for you.</p>
<p>I am so very, very sorry for your loss, and cannot imagine the pain you are in. I have no advice to give, but please know that we are all here for you, and sending support in our individual ways. I hope you can feel the love and caring that is pouring your way. I wish you peace.</p>
<p>PsychoMomTX, . I am so very, very sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your beloved son. Please accept my deepest condolences and know that my thoughts and prayers as well as those of many others are with you, your husband and daughter.</p>
<p>continued thoughts and prayers for you PsychomomTX</p>
<p>well, </p>
<p>It’s been a long day. My hands are covered in chocolate even as i type this. This morning my mother called me into her kitchen, where I was presented with the biggest care package I have EVER seen - it turns out that many of my fellow teachers (I’m a psychology teacher at a local HS) as well as many of the families of S’s friends had put it together. There was everything from chocolate to homemade bread to hard liquor. I was SO touched that I practically melted into the floor. His best friend from HS sent me a framed picture of him and S from S’s high school graduation… both of them doing the hand signs for their universities, which happen to be rivals (if you’re from Texas, you’ll understand that). I broke down. And my cousin sent a picture of him from when he was a baby, wearing an Alvin and the Chipmunks bib and sitting in a high chair crying. I broke down again but I laughed through the tears because I remember that day EXACTLY. One of my friends sent me a book about dealing with the death of a child. Then my sister came in from Tucson unexpectedly, and we had a much-needed nice long talk, and now I finally feel like I need to just stop blaming myself and trust that I had no control over what happened. </p>
<p>i was looking through old photo albums earlier, and i found a picture of my brother from his senior prom way back in the day. I realized for the first time how MUCH he looked like my son. it’s almost an uncanny resemblance and i got chills. They had the same dark green eyes and the same scraggly brown hair and the same tired smile. </p>
<p>I also spoke with the mother and father of the driver, who, as I mentioned, passed away just yesterday… he had been going to a local CC but dropped out and soon thereafter got into heavy drugs and alcohol. They echoed many of my worries and regrets - that they felt guilty for not forcing him to stay in school, that they felt like she should have intervened to get their son into rehab, to do this, to do that. They are so much stronger than me, speaking out the day after their son’s death. </p>
<p>i am just letting the tears flow and trying to remember the good.</p>
<p>I’m so very, very sorry for your pain. (gentle hug) Reach out for as much help as you need to.</p>
<p>PsychoMom, thank you for the update. You amaze me that you take the time to talk with us and you write so well! I am soooo glad that you are able to understand that this was not your fault. What has happened is so unbelievably tragic with out adding the unnecessary thoughts of self blame. In the midst of this the care package is wonderful and amazingly thoughtful. Says a lot about how the community remembers your son.</p>
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<p>I’m from Texas and boy do I understand that, lol. My husband and I call those two universities our alma maters, so I can relate. Also, I have a similar picture of my D2 at Disney World; one of the Chipmunks is greeting her at breakfast, and she is shrieking in fear. Those were the days, no? Our kids thought we were the center of the universe. I’m glad you were able to laugh through your tears at the photo.</p>
<p>Bless you, PsychoMomTx. Sending kind thoughts your way.</p>
<p>I’ve not posted in this thread until now, mostly because I was so devastated by your story, so pierced to the soul (as the mother of a 20 year old son) that I couldn’t think of what to say. I still really don’t know what I could say that could be of any use beyond what has already been said more eloquently by other posters. But, you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers, Penny. I’m so glad that your heart to heart with your sister has brought you to the place where you can finally stop blaming yourself for what happened to your son. You are a wonderful mother. I’m sure if your son could come back and tell you that, he would. And he would tell you how deeply sorry he is for how terribly his decisions have hurt his family. Yes, just let the tears flow, and know that many, many people hold you in their heart.</p>
<p>I lost my father to a plane crash, my spouse to an accident, and am sending my son, whom I have raised for the last 8 years off to college. He is a good kid, smart, but with a wild streak, so I am very anxious. A close friend lost a son at Williams in a biking accident (hanging on to, and being pulled by, a car). Last year, a boy from my son’s college was killed in a skiing accdent. This summer, a friend of his from junior high with whom he had lost contact, killed himself by jumping off of a bridge as his father ran to stop him. A friend from the high school tennis team caused a double fatality while driving drunk and went to prison for a six year term.</p>
<p>So many bad things happen, some from carelessness, some from bad luck, and all of these losses leave grief stricken relatives wondering why and what if. I have never found an answer other than the vaguaries of good and bad fortune that are usually undeserved. I read stories like this in the newspaper and cry because I know how it feels and feel so sorry for anyone who has to experience the premature death of a loved one. In the hierarchy of tragedies, I cannot think of any greater sorrow than the loss of a child.</p>
<p>I am very sorry for your loss and pain. I hope that your story may serve to wake up a few wild teenagers and prevent this tragedy from occuring in some other families, though it will assuredly happen to others. Thank you for sharing such a painful and personal event for the benefit of others, and may you find peace from helping others over time. Teenagers and young adults have free will. It was not your fault.</p>
<p>I am ever, ever so sorry. I really feel your story. I have 5 boys all teens and older. They have done a lot of foolish things, and any one of them could have ended up dead. When kids hit that age, they go insane, psychotic, masochistic. Some worse than others. Some luckier than others. Even if they don’t go nuts, they are surrounded by peers who are, and anything can happen.</p>
<p>At AlAnon they give you the 3 C’s: You didn’t CAUSE it. You can’t CONTROL it. You can’t CURE it. No parent really believes this. We go through life wondering if we did things or didn’t that contributed to our children’s problems. Maybe some of us did. It’s a futile exercise because there is absolutely no way to prove it, and nothing we can do about it at this point. </p>
<p>Young adults have been going through this period of insanity for years, and we are still at loss as to how to handle it. When our kids get caught in the webs of substance abuse, bad company, depression, mania, party animal…there really are no steps we can take to change them. We can just stay firm with our beliefs and the right things, hoping that they will come back to basic principles some day.</p>
<p>I hope you find a group that can help you. It’s not that misery loves company. It’s just that those with like issues and experiences can hold you up as they know exactly how you feel. There really are no words that can truly comfort you with such a loss. </p>
<p>Sometimes it’s just the wrong combo of fate, free will and chance that happens to us. There is no fairness in this. There are kids who have gone through your son’s experience and managed to survive. Others who have done all the “right” things and it just didn’t work out. </p>
<p>Hugs to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>