<p>Looking for a bit of a ‘sounding board’, please. Have a situation at work. Things were said that shouldn’t have been said. Apologies have been made, and accepted. It should be over, but for some reason, I can’t seem to let it go. It occupies my mind way more than it should. I have lots of other (more pleasant) thoughts that could occupy space in my head, but this situation seems to be at the forefront. Even woke up this morning thinking about it–my very first thought. </p>
<p>The talk/apology is very recent but the situation has been festering for a while. Does timeline make a difference?</p>
<p>Common Sense says, “Let it go! It’s over!” How do I do that?</p>
<p>Thanks for any experienced CCers who can offer suggestions/help.</p>
<p>Just let it run its course, it will get easeir until it dies off all by itself, do not need to force anything. “Forcing” things in or out of mind has never ever ever worked for me. I just have to accept whatever (including certain state of my mind) or actually act on whatever (like if I am unhappy with certain place, I would leave it. If I am unhappy with the person, I would stay away…etc.). I cannot think “what if…”, to me whjatever is done is done, past cannot be coorected, we cannot go back in time. All we can do is to adjust to conditions that are influenced by our past decisions. That is what I also keep telling my family. We all make mistakes, humans cannot be perfect. We cannot request perfections from others either. We also absolutely cannot influence / change others beisdes somewhat our family memebers. All you can do is to either act on how you feel or let it be and your brain will adjust by itself eventually.
This is my way, your way might be entirely different though. </p>
<p>I had a situation with a relative that had me asking the same questions. I don’t think I consciously conquered it. After acting as though it was water under the bridge for a good time, I realized one day that it actually was water under the bridge. Doesn’t mean I am close to the person or ever choose to spend time with them, just that I had no active negative feelings about this person and really spent zero time thinking about any of it. </p>
<p>Don’t know if that even helps…I guess what I am saying is that over time, I stopped burning energy on it and put my energy on other more positive emotions.</p>
<p>Just yesterday Dr. Phil (yeah…I know…) said it’s not about time healing all wounds, rather it’s what you do with that time… I know it’s hard not to dwell and replay in your mind but if there was some way to switch to a pleasant thought as soon as the old one pops up… And cut yourself some slack- we’re all human after all! Good luck!</p>
<p>OP-
The opposite of something is not nothing, the opposite of something is something else. By that I mean try to find things to do/ think about,/get excited about/look forward to that will occupy your thoughts. As you create new thoughts, and new memories, the other ones will get pushed further back. </p>
<p>The other thing that can help is thinking about that person’s possible interpersonal limitations, and accepting them (not necessarily their comments, but them) as who they are. You cant change them, only how you choose to respond to them.
Good luck!</p>
<p>When you think about it, are you wishing you had said other things? Sometimes it is helpful to write down your thoughts to get them out of your head. Write a letter or an email to yourself, never show it to anyone, just put down all your crazy thoughts and see if that helps you process them a bit.</p>
<p>^^^^^Good idea. In the old days, they’d tell us to write the person a letter getting it all out on the table, then make sure to shred it afterwards. :)</p>
<p>Watch “The Lady in Number Six” on Netflix. It’s only 39 minutes long and it won the Academy Award for Best Short Documentary. When you see how happy that 109-year-old woman (not a typo) was, even after surviving the Holocaust and losing both her parents, it will make you embarrassed to ever feel negative again. I’m not kidding. It really changed my attitude.</p>
<p>Panhandlegal - I’m sorry. It is difficult when you have an uncomfortable situation at work. I’ve been there. My best advice is to surround yourself with the positive people. Don’t let 5% of the people take 95% of your energy. I have done what somemom suggested. It really helped me. I occasionally vent to my dear husband, who always ‘takes my side’ and helps me see how how unimportant my problem is/was in the big picture. Sending you a hug.</p>
<p>You don’t have to let it go. Your emotions are telling you something. Pay attention.</p>
<p>You now have some knowledge of this person that will help you deal with them in the future. This is a bonus. It helps to know when to keep your guard up. Now just be polite and move forward all the while knowing you have their number. The raw emotion will dissipate with time.</p>
<p>I remind myself fairly often of an old story about 2 monks who had taken a vow of silence and a vow to have no contact with women. They came to a swollen stream. A woman was standing on the bank. She asked if they would help her get across safely. One monk said, “Of course” and knelt down so she could climb on his back. He then carried her across the stream, put her down and the 2 monks continued on in silence. Many years pass. The monks grow so old they are released from their vow of silence. The one monk turns to the other and says, “Why did you speak to that woman and carry her across that stream?” The other monk says in response, “Why are you still carrying her?”</p>
<p>It sounds like you have been wronged, and it was hurtful. The old saying is “forgive and forget,” but in my old age I’ve come to believe that both of those things are nearly impossible, if the hurt is big enough.</p>
<p>I think in general, the best course is to stay away from people who hurt you, and in time the feelings will lessen (but may never go away). The biggest problem I see for you is that this is someone at work. I don’t know what to advise about that aspect, but sax’s advice sounds good. I’m sorry for what you are going through. Good luck.</p>
<p>People often say that carrying anger or bitterness or hurt is like being eaten from the inside by cancer. I can see how that could be the case. </p>
<p>I recently re-read the book by Jackie Hance. You may remember that she lost all 3 of her children when her sister in law drove drunk and stoned the wrong way down the Taconic parkway and had a head on collision. 8 people died that day. I cannot imagine how one survives losing all three daughters, only to learn that the woman you entrusted with their care was high. In her book, she said she spent years hating Diane; anger burned within her and she was literally one step away from suicide for several years. She ended up getting pregnant and had another daughter. Her first photo shows a beautiful baby in the arms of a mother who looks sad instead of joyous. She wrote that she couldn’t generate any love for her new baby, and she felt incredibly sad and guilty for that. Finally she realized that the reason she couldn’t bond with her new baby was because she was filled with anger, resentment, and hatred for Diane. She said it’s impossible to love fully with a heart filled with these emotions. So she forgave, not necessarily for Diane’s sake, but for her own and for her baby.</p>
<p>I don’t know how people forgive under those circumstances; I don’t know that I could. But I do think, wow, if they feel their anger and resentment is killing them, then I guess I can let go of my own resentments, no matter how justified they are. They pale in comparison, and I think they aren’t doing me much good. </p>
<p>I guess what I’m getting at is that one can let go of these emotions even if you are well within your rights to have them, and letting go and forgiving doesn’t mean you forget or that you are in any way obligated to continue to have a relationship with the person in question. Keeping your distance can be a very good tactic all the while you let go of the anger/angst/hurt which precipitated the break in the relationship.</p>