How to make friends.
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I wrote a long post about that somewhere.
I did too.
I thought we were off to a pretty good start, but it seems we have numerous threads for individual retirement interests (travel, grandchildren, home-improvement). I hadn’t really been looking at those, other than the home improvement. Taking those topics off the table here will definitely cut back on discussion, so I’m not sure there’s any purpose to this thread.
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I do think there is a purpose! It started out sort of more cozy and “day in the life” - handling the transition into retirement, etc.
Sort of “retirement lite” - the nooks and crannies of retirement not necessarily the big players as mentioned above - major things
Maybe we give it a little more time? The big heavy intense threads stress me out lol
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I am not really retired, but because I work on our farm I kind of am, in that I can mostly set my own schedule.
I live in a rural area, and one of the most rewarding things I’ve done is join our local volunteer fire department. I am throwing it out there as a thing one can do (if your town has one) in retirement, in addition to the usual suspects (learning a language, pickleball etc).
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I am personally of the opinion that just because there is a thread for something doesn’t mean discussion of a topic needs to be limited to there. Others clearly disagree. Content is needed for threads to continue. If you want to talk about something else, bring it up!
I think of the original diet/exercise/health/wellness and weight loss for dummies threads. They coexisted for quite some time.
The intense retirement threads don’t apply to me 99.9% of the time. They’re stressors.
I am now off to the gym. Does that need to be posted elsewhere? I’m a little grumpy.
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Or a lot, lol. Feel better!
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That’s what I was hoping to chat about here – what this third and fourth quarter of our lives mean to us, the joys, the angst, the changes, the how did I get so old, the “now what” of our minds rather than our feet.
Travel, grandchildren, home improvement and the like don’t require or define retirement, anyone can participate in those activities/discussion. It doesn’t mean we can’t mention them here in the context of a day in our retired lives, but let’s use the other threads for getting into the weeds of which cruise line is best, where to eat in Portugal, the best type of flooring for a kitchen, what to do with grandchildren, etc.
Similar to the investments, Medicare, and social security rabbit holes on the other thread, it’s easy enough to just ignore segues you have no interest in, but I’d like to share and listen in on what people are really feeling as they age into this new space, somewhat like we did on the I Feel Uneasy and Down as the Decade Ends thread.
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Unpopular opinion incoming …
Why do people feel compelled to police threads? I’m not just talking about this one. Lots of them take turns I don’t like, or they get monopolized by long-winded posters and then other posters complain. Rinse and repeat. I get to choose what to do about that – hide threads, hide people, scroll past – rather than try to make everything fit into just how I want it.
Cc always has been idiosyncratic. People feel less tolerant lately.
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I find that the best threads have some “drift” and generate organic conversations. I know that cc has had various policies (including not being allowed to discuss those policies?!) over the decade plus that I’ve been here.
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Usually I don’t mind meandering threads. I mean, that’s what we do on CC. But when there gets to be extended discussion here about on something like grand travel (not affordable to everybody), I think it’s OK to point out other helpful, “narrower topic” threads that folks might not have known about.
What I like about this thread (split off from the intense investment discussions) is the mostly upbeat vibe about retirement. It’s a nice now that I sometimes lament not being as young as I used to be. It’s where I start in the morning while eating my breakfast. Later I will look at the various threads about caring for parents, bereavement etc. (And there are probably some folks that don’t want that at all. That’s fine too.)
Of course I’ll keep reading this and other thread regardless of how it rolls… it makes up for not having daily coworker interactions. Happy Day to all 
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What has been the most surprising to me in retirement have been the changes in existing relationships. It is if I don’t exist to some people any longer.
I ran in the early morning for a long time with a group of women. Covid came and the group fell apart. I still saw several of these women for lunch or coffee and when my mother died, they sent flowers and food and called and texted. I invited them for breakfast, we had breakfast, and then…nothing. Crickets. If I ran into them, they would comment that they had seen something on FB - yet they hadn’t commented or asked me about it. And these are people who are ACTIVE on FB. I saw one of them at Costco and she blew past me like I was the invisible woman.
At times I feel as if I relied on CC far too much and now, without work, I really only have H. I really relied on the D/E/H/W thread for a long time until that fell apart. It was my check-in thread with people who seemed interested in what we were all doing. Everyone else I know has a family and grandchildren close by; one of my friend’s granddaughter lives with her while she’s in graduate school! She has built in companionship. Most women I know are still working. Do I regret leaving my job? No! My boss was Satan. But without a group I’m running with or co-workers, I’m at a bit of a loss.
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I think that proximity and intentionality are key to maintaining friendships. You had proximity with these women (and your co-workers) when you were running together, and then you lost it. You made up for that with intentionality, but for whatever reason they are not doing the same. So now there is no common energy - proximity or intentionality - to support the friendships. I would not take it personally; as the seasons of life change, each of our own priorities for how and with whom we spend our time shift. I have let some relationships go as my priorities have changed once the nest emptied. The woman who blew past you may have been embarrassed, or just didn’t have the energy to re-engage. Or perhaps she really is just a mean girl! Regardless, the hard part is replacing those friendships with new ones. Think about how you can be in proximity with other women, and put some intentionality towards connecting. (You are already doing that here on CC; the key is thinking about how you can do it in your local community.) I am an introvert, but as soon as I joined a women’s pickleball group, I gained 3-days-per-week proximity to 20 or so lovely women who I now consider to be friends. With intentionality, I’m hoping to nurture a few close friendships within that group.
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I think that happened for me with Covid. Several groups that were a big part of my social life stopped happening during those years and haven’t started back up. One is a group of women I got together with one evening a month since our kids were 6 years old. The kids are now 35. We have had some random get together evenings but no one’s game to restart the monthly meet up. When I see these women we are all happy to be together. I’m as guilty as anyone else as I’ve not put the invitation out.
What I notice for me is that time passes very quickly and before I know it I realize I haven’t seen or talked to someone in months.
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Its strange to look back at what people worried about in those (in retrospect halcyon) days right before the pandemic…
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While the cafe is allowed much more latitude in terms of meandering, we are now getting very off topic. Thank you for your understanding!
Well, I joined the gym with DH this weekend as Silver Sneakers! Tons and tons of activities. They have an indoor pool and I’m going to start swimming, but I need a pair of prescription googles. I haven’t same in years, and always with a something held out in front of me or the backstroke because I couldn’t see. But I’m going to give it a try. I know it will be hard, they have water aerobics, too.
I didn’t mean this to go to you, I just hit the wrong reply
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I totally agree. As I posted before, I joined a Spanish-English meetup in Brooklyn where I live. Most of the regulars are half my age, lol, but I’ve invited friends my age to come and several have done so.
I’ve found that the best way to connect with new people is to take a what the heck attitude–sure, it would be nice if person x who I met in line somewhere or on a bus or wherever responds to my casual invite but if not, for sure there are other fish in the sea.
I did the same kind of thing before I adopted my daughter from China in 1998. I knew I needed a village, and it was relatively easy to connect to others with toddlers or who were also waiting to adopt. But I think the key is to have a “no harm no foul” attitude.
Just my experience and I hope it’s useful.
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