We had to go beyond one form for getting my mother to not have a driver’s license. Numerous people filled forms out - you can fill out more anonymously with a notarized signature on another page. She had forfeited her driver’s license (due to a severe accident) but was in the process of trying to get her driver’s license back - had taken behind the wheel lessons and the written test. She had a scheduled drive test – my sister called major DMV in the state (WI) and someone did look it up. DMV notified the local office to not allow my mother to take the behind-the-wheel test. My mother’s attorney inquired about it to state DMV, and he received a reply letter which he explained to my mother that it was ‘done’, she could not get a driver’s license again. Once she had that finality, she accepted it. Mother was bi-polar (on meds and regular psychiatrist visits) and had obvious narcissistic tendencies.
Enabling brother had replaced mom’s car after the accident (due in part to her persistency on getting a car). He was able to sell it quickly after it was clear she was not going to get a driver’s license again.
One of my favorite things about retirement is that I no longer have to worry about getting to work in the cold/snow. (And goodness, I definitely don’t miss trying to figure out if school has been cancelled. LOL - there was a time when the best place to check was TV news, and our district was far enough down in the alphabet that one morning the list kept stopping at commercial, restarting after commercial at “A”).
Once in a while we have an appointment, but most of the time leaving the house is optional. Yesterday I did decide to sign up for an open slot for indoor pickleball class, braved single digit temps. Wore my 1980s long down jacket. Gotta say I do LOVE having an insulated garage.
One interesting thing. We are coming to the close of about 5 weeks in Florida with MIL. We have heard her tell her friend, “I get by just fine on their own and the kids like to come here and I am happy to have them” when ShawWife spends a lot of time cooking for MIL, doing repairs and maintenance that was not getting done (we were able to put in a cargo lift and rip out insulation, demold and paint a under the house area (the house is on stilts) so that it won’t need repairs if there is another hurricane, fix laundry room and other doors, order mattresss and sheets a for a nephew and his family to visit, etc. She told my BIL that “I ordered mattresses for when the nephew comes.” So, she does not appear to acknowledge or recognize how much is being done for her. ShawWife had ordered a pedestal sink that will arrive after we leave and MIL seems miffed that we have not arranged for a plumber to install. This is getting irritating for ShawWife who needs to carve out some time to finish paintings and MIL said, “You only spend time doing what you want to do and you are not doing anything for me.” I think they will calm down and the problem will be solvable (in part, perhaps, by only coming down for a week rather than 5 or 6 weeks next year).
I have taken over her bill-paying and her investments. We have a meetin(gthat I scheduled) with her FA to go over her financial plan: this is really to show how much she is spending and how that will be funded (e.g., dividends, interests, selling shares, etc.). She said, “I want to see what I have” meaning a detailed list of assets. I said, “We will have a separate meeting on that” because I have asked them to lay out a plan to sell some assets to take capital gains over a few years rather than all at once (Canada does not have an automatic step-up on basis upon death). She became insistent and raised her voice in a way that was inappropriate (I have the right to give you commands and will raise my voice if you don’t obey). Twenty years ago, after her husband died, she behave that way to me (and others) and I responded by not scheduling family trips to her farm, just in and out visits for Passover and staying with ShawWife’s sister) for about a decade. I did not feel like she would be able to hear me and figured family harmony was more important than more time.
But, the lesson for me and maybe for all of us contemplating retirement is that as our capabilities decline, we need to observe and acknowledge what others are doing for us. A little bit of appreciation goes a long way.
@Colorado_mom, i am with you on cold avoidance in winter. Aside from going to Florida for 5 weeks, ShawWife says that I become an indoor cat – I only go out if absolutely necessary.
Sometimes lack of awareness of things people do for you is a sign of dementia starting. But if your MIL was like that 25 years ago dementia may not be the reason.
I am irritated by my totally mentally competent 93 year old cousin who has done nothing for my sons who literally drove her 12 hours (2 round trips) so she could spend the holidays with us. They were generous with their time, and I would appreciate some generous gesture from her to reciprocate. I wouldn’t expect it if they drove an hour or two, but six hours each day?! It certainly doesn’t have to be financial, but as background she is worth many millions.
I am very very sympathetic and certainly see the frustration. Shawwife is definitely doing so much and it feels unappreciated. And you who definitely seems to know how to manage her money and it’s being questioned and not in a nice way.
I also think there is denial and suspected belief on the older person’s part that they could do all of this themselves. That they are just as capable as they’ve always been and they want to perpetuate that to others. It’s super frustrating when you are the one stepping up.
I also think that there is a sense of having to be in control over things.
@cinnamon1212 yea that feels unappreciated when your kids really helped for someone who has a way to show appreciation.
This past year, my husband and his brother went above and beyond to help their parents. My husband then gets a $100 check for his birthday. I’m like, why? They did give some money at the end of the year, that was a first. I sometimes feel that there is such a need to control.
Maybe you should mail the completed project checklist to MIL… “to file with house records”. She may (or may not) get the hint that you did a lot. Good job, even though MIL not thankful.
Two of DH’s brothers made a point to help clear out/clean up the basement and other rooms where their mother in her late 80’s and decline didn’t have interest or energy/ability to actually do that stuff. She then would talk about in a complaining way about what is motivating them to do these things. DH and I did not get in the middle of it, we just listened and then changed the subject during our visits.
Their mother moved to skilled care about two weeks before she died, and months after her need to get there. DH had retired and was at her home for months as she needed 24/7 care. Previous months, her hired caretaker (not live-in, would come several times a week - not even daily) had a stoke, and later died at home - and MIL really needed more care before that time. Even several summers before, when we were there, DD1/baby and I went for a walk - when we returned, MIL was laying on the kitchen floor (she had a responder necklace but she didn’t push it/didn’t want to push it). She had been on her kitchen stool and saw a plastic twist tie on the floor and reached down to pick it up. She later fabricated another story on the ‘incident’ to other sons and granddaughter on the phone.
MIL was settling in fine at skilled care, but about a week later, her meds stopped working for her (she had hypertensive heart disease and other illnesses) and a week later she died. DH was there several days (as soon as she started the decline in skilled care), a brother that lived 5 hours away was there her last two days, a brother that lives nearby was there like DH. Another brother didn’t move fast enough - she died the night before he arrived. But all had seen their mother numerous times, including just before she went into skilled care. FIL and MIL both died at age 92, about 3 months apart in time.
God bless your wife and you, and the rest of your family for looking after so many things with your MIL. As you say “a little bit of appreciation goes a long way.”
In some ways, aging people often kind of revert to being more me-centered (like a young child, who doesn’t quite put together thoughts of those around them - their world is their immediate things in an uncomplicated way).
All you can do is remember how they were before aging decline in their thoughts/behaviors/verbal messages.
MIL’s solution to not going into skilled care was for DH to care for her 24/7 as he had been doing between her trips to the hospital for UTI. DH and I live 850 miles away. Not an adopted solution.
Since the holidays I have been juggling a host of medical and veterinary issues for the household. H will start daily radiation treatments next week for five weeks. Sabadog is nearing the end of her four month treatment cycle. They will both wrap things up the same week, assuming no weather issues to interfere with H’s travel to the treatment center. H is a terrible patient and honestly, there are days I just want to say “take care of yourself! I’m not your servant!” - but then I feel guilty and terrible for even thinking that.
We are under contract to sell our former home. We are still in the due diligence period but hopefully there won’t be any issues as I am just not up for it! I keep mapping out a plan to become more intentional with my diet and exercise but I need a swift kick in the rear to actually get going. At least I get in some dog walking and Pilates every day. “Some” being the operative word!
I guess I just feel in limbo. There are a million things I’d like to do, but can’t commit to. I went from caring for my mother to caring for H. It feels like I’m carrying a giant weight at times and I’d love to drop it and run away.
I am deciding whether to rent or buy a place big enough for kids to stay, or a smaller one just for me. My kids now range from 32-38. My son now stays in a hotel because I am in a small rental, and he now has a partner so cannot sleep on my couch. Other two also have new partners so my small place does not meet needs for visits for them either: so far my daughter comes by herself. That said, it may not be worthwhile to pay for a place that is larger for infrequent visits. I am mid-70’s and may move to a senior residence in 5 years, another factor. Any grandchildren (so far not happening) might also change the picture though I can visit kids rather than the other way around.
ps I just spent 8 years taking care of my mother (who was in unassisted living, as I call it). Not only did I not get appreciation but often got anger. especially in reference to finances or medical care. Dementia is like that and they often don’t know about their own memory issues and still want control of finances etc. To be honest, I didn’t have any expectation of appreciation and my expectations were met.
Would a two bedroom apt/condo/house on the smaller side but with that second bedroom work for you? A 2nd bedroom that could hold a queen sized bed (or Murphy bed) but also function as a hobby room/office or something extra for YOU when you don’t have guests??
Yes: it would be nice to have an art studio! This is an expensive area so I am weighing pros and cons but absolutely, that would be ideal. Thanks for responding!
@compmom, you should get yourself an art studio if you can. Hard to clean that up for living space, if ShawD’s studio is any indication.
It is easy to get a smaller place and say to your self and kids “I’ll just rent a place from AirBnB or hotel when you cum as it will be cheaper than paying for an extra room or rooms.” However, I think people evaluate the incremental expense and end up not doing it even if the economic logic is compelling.
You need to weigh the cost/benefits of extra space. That extra space will cost more to own/rent, heat/cool, furnish, keep clean, etc. The keep clean is big to me as we clean ourselves and are so happy to have so much less to clean now that we downsized. I vote for tell them you will host them at a local hotel or AirBnB, and get the amount of space that works for you. Plus, if they are not in your space they will have some privacy when they visit (which may be attractive to couples or young families).
How much extra cleaning does one room take when 90+% of the time only one person is living there? As someone who loves their home space I would look at it as “wow I get to have an extra room to devote to something I love and enjoy (art, exercise, crafting, writing - whatever your love is)”. Especially if you’re a homebody - having a little extra space can enhance your at home lifestyle.
Families are also different in terms of wanting private time or wanting everyone hanging out in their pj’s all night long. I would have a conversation with the kids/relatives that might be regular visitors and ask them to genuinely answer if they see themselves getting a rental or wanting to stay in my home.
But we all are different! Up to @compmom of course!
We are happy to have our 3 bedroom home, so when the kids do visit, they have their own space, mostly similar to how they last left it (though I sometimes put things in it while they are living their lives far away). If we move, I would probably want at least a 2 bedroom—when my folks moved from our 5 bedroom house, they got a 2 bedroom and when we spent the night to watch over mom, it was handy to have a separate bedroom (you got more/better sleep). If it’s not that much more to get a 2nd bedroom, I’d probably lean that way, at a minimum.