I have one group of four friends where I am the oldest (62). The rest of them are in their 50s, and I sometimes feel that. They are still way involved in their kids’ lives, because their kids are several years younger than mine and a couple are still in graduate school. But taking care of our elderly parents absolutely put us on even standing. Myself and another woman have lost both our parents, and the other two are in the thick of it, one more so than the other. She asks us lots of questions so I think it’s nice that we can be a resource.
In my other close foursome, three of us are within months of each other, and the last one is in her 50s. One of those friends already has two grandkids while the rest of us have none, and I’m the only one with a kid who is married (well, besides the one friend whose kid has two kids). Two of those friends still work, and two of us don’t.
Interestingly, almost all my other close friends other than my trainer are older. And those friends seem to have more health concerns. I’m not ready to start losing those friends. Hearing aids are a thing, even with a younger friend. I’m the most physically active of almost all my friends regardless of age. I never used to think about our age, but it’s starting to feel like a thing.
I had a great group of friends who were my age when my kids were in school. We moved and then the friends I met were older. We have fun but it’s different not having friends who know your history.
Also as the country has evolved so has finding friends who while I don’t require that we be aligned politically, I’d like them to be open minded and fair. I’m not sure that is as easy as it used to be.
I find that woman my age went from working to being very involved with their grandchildren. From raising kids to raising grandchildren. That’s a generalization but many of the women my age have their local kids and local grandkids as their group.
My older friends, they are wrestling with illness, their husband’s health in a way I’m not there yet. They are thinking about downsizing, mostly because it’s exhausting to find someone to do those things you used to be able to handle. House maintenance, lawn maintenance. I think you get tired of trying to find people to do all the things! I don’t blame them.
And exhausting to catch the new friends up; they can never know you as those who lived/created all that baggage with you. All of my current, local friends are “acquaintances.” My few real friends are from my elementary or teen years. We came from the same place/time/experiences. We “know” each other in a way no one else ever can. Those are the relationships I can rest in.
One of my younger friends already has lost her dh, when she was 54. Her parents died in the past couple of years so she’s over that hurdle. Her kids are local so that’s good, but she lives alone in her house with a large yard and is so over dealing with it. She wants to downsize but is concerned at least one of her kids will relocate and doesn’t want to move twice so she’s staying put for now.
It is great to find friends who know your history. But also I’ve found (yet another pickleball observation coming from me)…. there is something refreshing about new friends too. Meeting so many women who are about my age, plus many of them older and a few younger, has been much more fun than expected. It almost has the same vibe as when I went off to college, lived in a women’s dorm floor (at a campus that was 70% men). Over time, some of us do exchange more of my background and family woes etc when we go to coffee sometimes. Also do some co-ed play. It’s all a nice break from worries about friends/family aging and the state of the world.
Well, the idea that we COULD move to the 2bedroom condo (in the city which will be on rail line and walkability score of 95), we are currently having rented out, in the event the 3 bedroom house becomes too much for us is freeing to me. For now, this house is mostly ok but it’s definitely more maintenance and H has tons of “stuff” here there & everywhere. We do love our neighbors & neighborhood so would be reluctant to move. D might want to live in the condo—that would be lovely too.
I am still in a seasonal rental and looking at independent or CCRC communities all the time. It is like looking at colleges. They are all the same in so many respects and the info just blurs. I have a bunch of brochures: not sure why but they all feature kayaking on the cover! Some have an average age of 78, long waiting lists, and I will be 75 in May. Other option is renting in the city till I know where the kids will be. It’s tough when you were older having kids: I feel a little out of sync. Kids aren’t settled, no grandchildren, but I am now “old” !
I don’t have any friends (besides some people loosely connected on FB) from my childhood/schooling. Not college either.
I think the only friends I have that know more “history” would be neighbors who I see a few times a year from the neighborhood we lived for 26 years - so most of our kids growing up periods. But they were friends via neighborhood and to be honest, I’m not really on the same wavelength as them in terms of interests and such so while I value their relationship, it’s limited.
For me, I don’t need people who know my history. I am interested in friends who feel like my tribe - share my views, interests, energy level - and who are positive people. Wow, I know a lot of people who wallow in the negative or only talk about health issues (some health talk is ok) - not my vibe!
I spend the most time with my pickleball friends these days. We play 3 times a week, so we generally know what’s going on with each other and support each other. (We have rules to join our group - you have to be able to laugh at yourself, and you have to be nice. We did kick one person out early one because she was cranky, and we actually take a vote of all current group members before we let a new person in. 1 “no” and the person cannot become a regular part of our group
Thank you everyone for the encouragement. Just need to keep getting out there and accept the reality that some people might just not like me! And chances are, I don’t enjoy their company either.
There have been times I think I have found my people, so to speak, only to be pretty bluntly told I’m annoying, negative and lacking joy. That has definitely made me hesitant. I probably wouldn’t make the cut in the pickleball group!
I loved the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain. Affirming for those of us who enjoy others, but often prefer solitude. Per AI summary:
Cain argues that modern society overvalues extroversion and undervalues introversion, leading to a loss of potential. The book explains that introverts are often misunderstood and that their unique strengths, such as deep thinking, creativity, and the ability to work independently, are vital for societal contributions.
Nah - for the pickleball group you just can’t do things like yell at your partner when they miss a shot, complain about things you were told before you came (like we had no net and were all very beginners), and not go “out” occasionally so others can play.
If those people said that to you, they are just rude and mean. They are not your people. I know it’s hard to make new friends, but I hope you don’t stop trying.
The pickleball players I am acquainted with are all very competitive. As in, they play several times a week and participate in tournaments! Many of the gyms (including my own) allow you to reserve indoor courts and it is moderately terrifying to watch. I am just going to stick to my Pilates practice and observe from a distance!
Before you all think I’m sitting in a cave in the dark, I do have some very good friends that I met from running. I would just like a few more!
Sometimes I’m thankful that I’m not better at pickleball. Just would not enjoy the competitive vibe. For example, in my groups, we’ll sometimes give the server another chance (or two). Reasons can vary - if they are having a tough day , or are way behind, or are more novice than us, or if we know they are working on new serve, or if they are just back from vacation/injury. And sometimes we will pretend that a close ball is in-bounds just to keep the play moving.
My only concern is that these nice ladies will get better than me and need to play with more advanced players. So I may take some more lessons.
My wife and I are about 10 years away from retirement. I think about retirement plenty and what we would like to do.
First, I am somewhat lucky that my 3 main hobbies I don’t need close friends. Those are working out, playing golf and playing poker. I would happily do those things with people I know, but I can easily do them without close friends. My wife is a bit introverted so she is just as happy reading than socializing.
Over the last few years we have been trying to reconnect with some friends. We have done some dinners and had some small get togethers. But I have noticed as has my wife is that we are always the organizers. People will go out but we have to make the first move. I have been waiting since February for a couple to contact us about getting together.
We might have to start looking for some new friends. I agree that looking for younger ones might be the way to go. I don’t want to sit and talk about doctors and sickness at dinner.
I have found in the last few years – maybe since covid – that no one wants to socialize with us. (Yet we’re just as charming as we used to be. ) I just don’t think people are doing it anymore.
) I just don’t think people are doing it anymore.