Life is really hard right now...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Let me first apologize for posting this in the Parent Cafe, but I just need to vent and get everything off my chest - and I need a few words of encouragement. Lately, life sucks, to be quite honest. I’m a high school senior bogged down in sending in college apps (which I’m terribly behind in) and also my senior year continues to put me in a state of boredom that I’ve never had before. I’m also not doing so hot in two classes: physics (67, terrible teacher but that is a different story) and math (74) although it will go up and I’m constantly going in to receive extra help. But everything academics-related aside, I feel weak and saddened. Here’s a rundown of recent events:</p>

<p>Yesterday: My role model and fav NFL player Sean Taylor was murdered. The day before he was shot and critically wounded so I was in a not-so well off.</p>

<p>Today: One of my favorite teachers who was my 5th grade teacher, died of cancer. I also saw him a lot on the baseball field and we had a good connection in 5th grade.</p>

<p>Today: Location: gym class. Here’s the scoop: We’re in the basketball unit for gym class so we’re just about to start playing a game. The coach is about to start the game with a tip off while I’m putting on my pini (sp?) - a shirt to tell which team you’re on. Now this gym coach is nice, this is the 2nd year I’ve been in his gym class, and he’s never said anything alarming that put me out of my comfort zone. However, just before hes about to start the game he sees me rapidly putting on my pini over my shirt and he says (where everyone can hear): Common Teriyaki!!! Let’s go Soy Sauce!!! (Just a little fyi- I’m half asian, however I look fully asian). This uncalled-for comment caught me off-guard and I was literally stunned. I literally can’t stand when people call me a racial slur or something else which has happened to me before. Anyway, some people from the other team start laughing. And I am really mad, however I don’t say/do anything because for the most part I’m stunned. I mean this guy who I thought was a nice, friendly, good coach just disrespected who I am (in my opinion). Well as the game goes on people from the other team start calling me Teriyaki, Soy Sauce, and even are smart enough to make up new names such as Sushi. When I was inbounding the ball one time I was so ****ed that I threw the ball as hard as I could at a person’s head that was saying this stuff–but someone with quick reflexes put his hand out to stop it. Seriously, this whole thing has got me fumed, really mad, and sad. This really hurts. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell my parents and have my mom (who’s also a teacher) talk to this guy? I swear, when I have this class again Friday, if I hear another of these nicknames I am going to punch them in the face. I’m in no mood to deal with this, so that’s why I think I either need to have my parents do something or maybe I should talk to him.</p>

<p>Also, this isn’t the first time (and won’t be the last time) racial slurs are directed to me. In 9th grade I was on the school baseball team and they called me a name of one of the Asian baseball players for no reason until I fought someone - which did nothing, and I finally told someone. Just telling them to stop didn’t help - they didn’t care/listen, and I did my very best at turning the other cheek and blocking out their remarks. In 10th grade same situation except this time it was one person calling me names and it was during a class. The teacher heard everything but didn’t do anything. We actually started fighting once (he initiated it) and he pushed me on the ground and threw a desk into me but the teacher blamed me for it and made me clean up the room. Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with these teachers in my school.</p>

<p>Getting back to the main subject of life being very difficult. It has been difficult over the past year but I feel more weary and worn out now and I just feel an overall sadness. The summer of junior year my grandpa died, a week before school (junior year) a classmate of mine drowned, a few months later in the spring another classmate died of a rare form of cancer, then in july 5 cheerleaders died in a car-crash, and in september this year, a former sports teammate of mine died in his college dorm. It is currently 11:54 pm right now and I haven’t started my homework. As soon as I came home I slept until 6:30 then went to play some basketball with friends then came home here to the computer. </p>

<p>Sorry that this post is really long (I’d be surprised if you read the whole thing), but it’s the most difficult point of my life so far, and I don’t know what to do - how to feel better. Hey, at least the Office is on tomorrow, right?</p>

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<p>The Office is defintetly an upside to everything. I am so sorry about your teacher and favorite player. Also, kids in highschool are stupid. In a few years they will work for you, so do not worry. You are going to have an amazing time in college and this nightmare will be a distant memory very, very soon.</p>

3

<p>You have had some rough experiences lately. Do you think it would be possible to get some therapy? It sounds like you might be depressed. It could really help you to talk to a professional. Does your school have a social worker? I definitely encourage some therapy.</p>

<p>High school can be difficult, and it is especially so for someone who is different than the average student. Your teacher was way out of line, and so is any teacher who engages in and/or allows such comments. Counseling can empower you to deal with issues like this. It sounds like academics are very stressful for you, as well. Again, counseling can help you figure out how to deal with the stress. The feelings you have right now shouldn’t be swept under the rug. Please talk to a parent or an adult at school to try to get some counseling. It is NOT a sign of weakness.</p>

<p>It is pretty normal to feel overwhelmed at this point senior year. My own daughter suffered burn-out & more or less checked out by the end of the year. She didn’t even study for her 5 AP exams; she only took them because her school required her to do so. She was DONE by then. As I said, this is normal. The reason I feel you should talk to someone is because of everything you are going through & the feelings of sadness you have. Even if it turns out to be no big deal & you work through everything quickly … well, better safe than sorry!</p>

<p>Please check into getting some counseling. There are a lot of parents here who care. Check back in for virtual hugs anytime!</p>

4

<p>Counseling? Yeesh. His teacher was so out-of-line. Of course if he was feeling on top of things, it would be less hurtful but only a bit.</p>

<p>Does your school have a policy regarding language, race and so on? If so, look it up, highlight the words and hand it to your teacher/coach/idiot.</p>

<p>No matter how these various personal and academic things shake out (and maybe counseling is good for those), you do NOT have to tolerate racial slurs. Is there an Asian club in your school to ask for advice? An Asian teacher, better yet. </p>

<p>Once something along those lines was said to me (not Asian, but just think parallels…). I went to the head of the program (a Masters degree!!) and asked it this way, “Hey, this was said to me. And I was just wondering, is this normal for the faculty to be saying to a student?” Oh well, that’s all I had to say. I know that the teacher was talked to about it, and my request to change advisors was immediately honored. But use those rhetorical questions. </p>

<p>When you have the courage, some day you’ll turn that negative time on the basketball court into something positive, for yourself or someone younger. You can take that to the bank.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, counseling might help and is a valid suggestion for all the feelings.I simply wanted to separate out the racist incident and holler: that was WRONG, no matter how a person is feeling.</p>

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<p>Sometimes life is messy and icky and people are creeps…all YOU can do is not give them anymore power to affect how you feel</p>

<p>hard to do, but think about the good things, what your future holds, take that anger and energy and frustration and channel it into helping others and helping yourself</p>

<p>doing well in life is the best revenge for dealing with jerks</p>

<p>those kind of people are stuck where they are, are unhappy, frustrated and angry…</p>

<p>you don’t have to be…you can live a joyous, fulfilled, worthwhile life even in the midst of ugliness</p>

<p>its good to exercise and hang with friends, but don’t stop doing your homework, which is part of your path away from that place</p>

<p>you have to look at your goals- make some affirmations for yourself, make a calendar, write down your goals…</p>

<p>If you let the garbage in your life affect your chances at YOUR future, that is YOUR fault, regardless of whose garbage it is</p>

<p>All you can control is how you react to the stuff in your life, and that means being proactive- talking to someone- at school, church, a coach, an uncle, whomever you can share with, a counselor- </p>

<p>So, right now, let go of what ickness happened at school today, don’t let that jerk decide your future by you holding onto it when you need to be doing your homework</p>

<p>Whenver you get depressed or mad, think about your future, do some jumping jacks, go for a ten minute run, eat a cookie and then get down to the business at hand</p>

<p>you will get through it, but the ball is in your court</p>

6

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<p>Re: the coach. I just reread your OP, and see how much you like him. He could be one of these weird guys who just has no IDEA what’s funny and what’s not. </p>

<p>You surely COULD talk to him. You could put it in terms of coaching. Say how
much you like to play on the team, etc., but you found this broadcasting caused you to lose focus, and it began teasing by others. He could likely joke it away and say it’s just silly talk, but you do have the right to say, “Perhaps it is just talk to you, but for me, it hurt my game and I want to play my best always. Please don’t make any more public jokes about my racial heritage. It invites the other team to take advantage over us.”</p>

<p>Perhaps if he sees it wasn’t good for his goal (gym coaching), he’ll think twice about it next time and not do it.</p>

<p>Would that make you feel empowered?</p>

<p>Meanwhile, work on your homework…never let these things defeat you.</p>

<p>As for losing sports heroes, friends and neighbors to tragedies, I am sharing your sadness there. It seems to be the pricetag for being human, and caring about the world around you. No big answers there, just sharing.</p>

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<p>Oh Hon!
As a mom I’m so sorry that these things have happened to you! Yes, I do think you should let your mom know what this jerk said to you. I would suggest you both go talk to the principal at the school, so that this kind of verbal abuse, by an adult no less, is stopped! I would suggest plan on skipping class with the coach on Friday, and have your mom let the coach and the principal know this as well. Your parents should suggest that legal action may be taken in the future if this guy so much as breathes another racial comment to you. Nothing will get the attention of administrators faster than the threat of a lawsuit.
Meanwhile, get some hugs from your parents and friends, and know that it’s normal to feel down when bad things happen. You will start to feel better as time goes on. Just put your mind to doing your best in your school work, and get your apps. done! It will be a huge relief to you when they are completed. Don’t let Senioritis get to you- the big reason is if you decide, for what ever reason, that you want to try to transfer to another college, the grades for your senior year are looked at.</p>

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<p>This is very clear cut to me. You and your parents should definitely talk to the principal of the school. A teacher should not be using a racial slur, nor should anyone else at school. And the fact that he is a nice guy and did that made it seem okay to the other kids, actually encouraged them to do the same! Very bad. This needs to stop immediately.</p>

<p>Racial slurs are not allowed in our school district. Anyone using one is automatically suspended. It is taken very seriously here.</p>

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<p>Racial/ethnic slurs are taken very seriously in our local schools, too. My son was the subject of an appalling ethnic slur last year (ironically, we are not even members of that ethnic group, not that this makes it any less offensive to us). I can’t imagine a teacher even thinking of saying the kind of thing the OP’s coach said.</p>

<p>I like paying3tuitions’ advice in post #4, because I think it will be better for you, es222, to handle this yourself. I think the suggested approach is brilliant, because it avoids accusations and is likely to have the desired effect. </p>

<p>But I think the racial slur is the least of the issues raised. Es222, I urge you to find a therapists to help you deal with the very large number of deaths you’ve been affected by. You may very well be depressed. Please get some help, and let us know how you’re doing.</p>

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<p>I am very sorry for your losses.</p>

<p>With so many recent losses, how are you holding up? Do you still feel that life is worth living?</p>

<p>You gotten many good suggestions here. What might be your plan for dealing with the racial remarks?</p>

11

<p>This made me cry! How awful! You said he’s usually nice though…I suspect he is just extremely ignorant and expected you to take it as a joke.</p>

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<p>First of all, thanks everyone for your responses I appreciate it. I should probably expand on my personality. I’m almost always positive/up-beat and I also can overcome things quickly. However the one thing in this world of ours that I hate the most - can’t stand, is racism. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of who I am, but when remarks are said slandering who I am as a person, I get very mad and very hurt. I appreciate your concern for my current state, but I think I’ll pass on the whole therapy thing. I feel I don’t need it, plus I always talk to my mom about these things and we have a close relationship. Btw I did tell her yesterday afternoon about what happened in gym that day, but I didn’t include it in my post. </p>

<p>Now for what I’m going to do tomorrow when I see the gym coach again. Although my mom suggested that she take control of this situation and call and the coach (kinda because she’s a teacher too) I would rather handle it myself. Although I now have 0 respect for him, I think that going to the principal or higher authority is going too far…after all he has been nice to me for the 2 years I’ve had him for gym. I know these remarks like this are inexcusable and shouldn’t be allowed in our society, so that’s exactly what I’m going to bring up when I talk to him. I’ll approach him before class starts and that’s where I’ll say something along the lines that I took his comments as racial slurs, I was very hurt by this, and I wouldn’t expect it out of him, and that he “passed” on these nicknames to other immature students. </p>

<p>Also, racial slurs are not taken very seriously at our school (to my belief that is). After tormenting me non-stop for a couple months the 10th grade kid only got off with a warning (he went in the guidance counselor’s office and was out in 5 minutes). Maybe my school/community also has something to do with these racist things. My school/community is predominately white and there is no comparison between the number of white people and the number of minorities. Once again, thank you.</p>

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<p>es222:</p>

<p>I’m glad you came here to vent and can begin to feel better. You have had a lot on your plate. Deal with what you can.</p>

<p>I agree you should talk to the coach. He sounds like he was trying to be humorous rather than offensive, but he was out of line. You need to let him know that the epithets he used were not acceptable and that he triggered teasing and taunting by other students. If he is as nice as you say he is, he will be appalled and won’t do it again.</p>

<p>It’s normal to feel overwhelmed by applications. Tell yourself that you need to push yourself for just a little while longer, and then they will be done. I’m glad you are going for help in physics and math. It looks like what drags you down is the math. If you can improve your comprehension of math, the physics should come more easily. Can you have a little study group besides the extra help? My S has found that study groups are really helpful.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and a big HUG.</p>

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<p>You are doing a very respectfful thing, I think, to go talk directly to the coach first. Good luck. I hope that he understands and that is the end of it!</p>

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<p>Sounds like you are going to handle the coach with more maturity than he showed.</p>

<p>Sometimes life piles up on you, but remember, this too shall pass . . .</p>

<p>Glad you talked to your Mom.</p>

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<p>es222 I am impresssed with your maturity and ability to move on. You have reached a lot of people simply by making your post, and some that read it might not make a thoughtless remark as a result. And by respectfully talking to your coach about it, you are teaching him as well. You demonstrate a lot of great qualities, and you should be very proud of that.</p>

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<p>OP - I totally agree with your approach. I am Chinese with 2 girls that are mixed. I would let your coach know how you feel. He may have just tried to be funny without knowing it hurt your feelings. Be respectful, but do not back down. If you do not get the response you are looking for, I would then raise it with your mom and the principle. It is something you will need to deal with for the rest of your life.</p>

<p>One thing I learned today at work - you can’t always control how people behave, but you can decide how to deal with it and how it effects you.</p>

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<p>Hey es! Was tadoy any better?</p>

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<p>I just want to clarify that my suggestion to seek some type of counseling was related to your feelings overall. As far as the racism thing goes, that is really a separate issue … that teacher is a total idiot & your school should definitely not tolerate racist remarks. Unfortunately, too many people are totally insensitive & don’t think they are being out of line. They need to have their eyes opened! I am glad you are going to handle that.</p>

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<p>Oh yeah kelsmom I knew what you were saying I just wanted to explain/show who I am as a person. </p>

<p>Danielle: it was better, except something happened again. This time I’m in TOK theory of knowledge class with my favorite teacher who’s also the one who wrote my letter of rec. Somehow race got brought up again, and people in my class of 6 kids were saying how they hated generalizations, such as calling someone African-American even if they live in Zimbabwe (for example). Then my teacher says that she wishes she had a darker skin tone, and she mentions that she would like to have mine of a tan color, this makes me uncomfortable because once again I’m the only asian in that class. She asked me what I felt about racial generalizations so I told her the truth that it’s the thing that I dislike the most in our world. Then later she asked me if I knew why Japanese gangsters have tattoos covering their entire bodies, which I have absolutely no idea about. Although she apologized for anything that she might have said, and I know that there wasn’t really any damage done, I still got irked by this because it just brought me back to yesterday. Wow I can’t seem to catch a break. tgif</p>