I guess to me, one somewhat awkward conversation with B is worth a more stress-free trip. There are just some folks who are easier to travel with than others. I’d talk to A 1st to see if A invited B and if so tell her they should make their own plans. Otherwise, it makes sense to just tell B if it comes up no—perhaps another time but this time everything is already set.
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I’d have a terrible time saying no. I’d say yes and be annoyed at myself and my husband would also be annoyed with me.
We never travel with another couple unless it’s our kids and their spouses. I have a now single sibling who hints on joining us and I don’t take the bait.
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As an adult I finally figured out that “No” and “Sorry, it won’t work out” are complete sentences. IMO you are best off not making explanations or excuses that could perhaps backfire on you. I have to thank a friend for that lesson. He will just reply with ,“Sorry, I can’t make it” with no further explanation – admittedly at first I found that abrupt of an answer to be a bit surprising, but then I realized that is a perfect response that gave me the information I need to move forward.
As others have suggested, I’d talk to A first. If A invited B then I’d tell A & B to plan their post-trip excursion on their own as you don’t want to travel with a bigger group after the main vacation. If A did not invite B then just tell B it won’t work out.
Don’t ruin your trip for B. I think the thought of an annoying post-trip with B included could negatively impact your entire vacation.
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I was going to comment, but you nailed it, so why bother repeating what you said!
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It sounds like B is difficult and you don’t want to travel with her. Say it won’t work and don’t leave any thought that she may be able to travel with you in the future ( like saying to her"maybe next time".) You don’t want her to put you in this position again down the line with any future trips.
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One of my best friends asked if she could go to South Africa with my parents and me, years ago. I thought it was a great idea - of course, she would have paid her own way, and she’s every easy going. But when I asked my folks, they were like, “Uh, no…” And I respected that answer.
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This reminds me of situations I’ve encountered.
And how tricky things become when adding another individual to a group. I’m not sure how B found out you were traveling before and after and if they know A is going with you.
My husband hates to say no and likes to be inclusive also.
We do day golf trips in the fall, it’s a thing we do, we make a day of it, go to a nice place to eat and it’s our thing. I find the courses and make the arrangements.
He continues to tell his buddies, my wife has found these great golf deals and of course the friends want in on it.
Except that now it’s a guys trip that I’m on. They don’t want to go to a nice place for dinner, they don’t want to do this or that. It’s always difficult to plan when you have another party to plan around. Even when they are perfectly nice people who actually aren’t that difficult.
Afterwords, my husband agrees that it’s not the same, it’s now not “our” thing.
But since he’s so proud of these deals that I get, he keeps telling people. Then he wants me to tell my friends about it so I can get a girls trip together. No! It’s a us thing, not an invite all thing. lol
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Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I can see that I am not alone in how I feel. I just need to remind myself that it is OK to be selfish about how DH and I prefer to travel.
A couple of more details: A has said she does not want to travel with B either. A and I are having lunch tomorrow to catch up and also discuss this. If I get a hint that A wants to include B, I’ll suggest that the two of them do the post-tour traveling together.
I love all of your suggestions on how to word my “no” response, and I will certainly not include “maybe next time”. I’ll craft a response from your suggestions that sounds like me.
When I can’t or don’t want to do something that I am invited to, my standard response is, “I have a schedule conflict.” Short and sweet, no detail, may or may not be a real schedule conflict.
I’ll keep you updated. Thanks.
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I get where you’re coming from and probably would say the same, but @cincy-gal – please give yourself some grace. Why do you feel obligated to include someone in plans that you made for the 2 or 3 of you simply because they asked? Why are you selfish for that? Why do you not see their request to join you as selfish?
Both parts of your screen name betray you – you’re midwestern niceness and your gal-ish accommodation of others. Just sayin’! Both these things condition us to put others first and to see anything else in a negative light. Think of them as boundaries, not selfishness! Just asking you to go easy on yourself!
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Haha—this reminds me of a situation that just arose. I posted on a family thread that I’m still searching for a date to take my late bro and late dad’s secretary to lunch. She suggested some dates that didn’t work for me so I countered with a date & time I can make and asked her preferences for where she’d like to eat. She said anything, so I suggested a new restaurant that I’ve been wanting to try. She was happy and I made reservations. Older sis wanted to join so I added her to the reservation. Younger sis started dissing the place and today suggested a different place that she said secretary prefers. Secretary said she wants to stick with the plan and younger sis says, well she’s unavailable at the time we have set so younger sis will have to do something else.
My younger sis reminds me of how you’ve described B. I’ve never traveled with my younger sis and probably never will. I remained silent through this drama in which younger sis was the star.
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I have a sibling like that, always has to change the plans. No matter what
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Anyway, for B, I agree with the others. A simple, “No,” however you wish to phrase it with no potential for future options is best for all.
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My friends and I talk travel a lot. It’s from these conversations that I can get a sense of whether or not we’d be good travel companions. I frankly and truthfully describe myself as a history nerd. I’ll mention seeing Hardwick Hall and Bletchley Park. I get blank stares and I know they wouldn’t be a fit for me.
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I am less concerned about interests (everyone can do their own thing during the day- museum, historic sites, old cemetery, flea market). But someone bragging about how many times they sent back a sandwich because “the baguette didn’t look fresh” is a “no-fly list” for me!
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My sister traveled years ago to London with a woman like that-complained, sent things back. She was also high maintenance and took forever getting ready in the morning. My sister just wanted to get up, shower and get going for the day. After that trip, they remained friends but my sister never traveled with her again
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I loved my DIL even more than I already did when I asked if we could catch a train from Warsaw to Krakow this May at 9 am. That’s late for me, but I know a lot of people don’t like getting up early. Her response was, “Sure, that’s OK, but we usually take the 5 or 6 am train so we can see a lot.” YES!!! My kind of woman. I can’t wait to spend two weeks with DS and DIL. She has a google doc with our itinerary, reservations, and ideas for things to do.
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Update: I had lunch with A on Thursday, and she feels that same as I do about B joining us post-tour. A did not invite B to join us.
Now, we just wait to see if B contacts either of us about joining. We are prepared!! Thank you all for your wisdom.
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Good. Stick to your guns. Couple B in our group is tainting this trip.
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Sorry to hear that @jym626 ,Had you traveled with Couple B before? Do they know how you feel?
Thanks for the update,@cincy_gal!
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Couple A invited couple B and didn’t mention it til after we had paid all our deposits, etc. we would have declined if we knew there would be 6 of us.
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