DH and I have a trip planned for September to hike in a European country. The hiking portion of the trip is a 7 day and 6 night small group tour, where we are friends or friends of friends of all in the group. DH and I are extending our trip both before and after the tour. Some on the trip are planning to do their pre- and post-tour travel together. That is not our style to do everything as a big group. As such, we made our own flight and hotel arrangements for before and after the group tour.
One good friend (A) has asked to join us pre and post. She lost her husband just a couple of years ago in a tragic bicycling accident, and she is an easy go-with-the-flow travel companion, and we readily said yes.
Here is the dilemma - we are getting hints that another friend (B) wants to join us for the after-tour part of the trip. She is NOT an easy travel companion - always causing drama, always wanting to change agreed on plans, very picky about where she will eat, to name a few. In fact, I am using the term friend rather loosely when it comes to B. If she asks me directly whether she can join us, how can I politely respond ânoâ?
That is very tough. If A is joining, hard to say you want some romantic time alone and exclude B. If B would room with A, also tough to say no. If not, perhaps just ignore the hints for as long as possible. Otherwise, canât really think of a polite way to say no. If it comes down to it and she joins you, stand your ground on plans and tell her she is free to join or not but you have set plans for those days (including restaurants) after spending time with a bigger group and are not open to modifying. She would be free to do her own thing. Good luck!
I would ignore the hints as long as possible. I would also feel very comfortable (if the hints become outright asking) saying something to the effect of, âAdding another person doesnât work for us on this trip.â
No is a complete sentence. And something that gets easier to do when practiced.
The only issue I can see arising is if A somehow has opened the door to B thinking they would be welcome to join the post-trip. In which case, you need to have a conversation with A clarifying that accepting her into your pre- and post-trip plans didnât mean you wanted to open those plans to other individuals and/or the larger group at all. I hope that would be an easy conversation to have - clear and direct is kind (imo).
The best you can do is say something like âI just donât think it works this time maybe we can chat about another timeâ Iâve had to say that to my sil when she asked about joining me on a trip - for the record we never have talked about it again.
If A in fact opened the door, then that would be the perfect time to say to A, âhey, I see B now wants to join in. We were happy to have you join us for a small group but now it looks like you and B can join together and have a great trip. We would love to spend a night with you but then we may venture out on our ownâ
OP- hugs to you. I am a non-confrontational person- but I HATE travel drama. H and I just got back from a trip overseas and the only âdiscussionâ the entire time was whether or not to put more money on our transit cards so we could take the train to the airport when we left (super easy to do this⊠no transfers, very quick, very cheap). As it happens, it was moot when a friend insisted on driving us to the airport so weâd have more time to chat. And itâs not that weâre such lovey dovey people that we never argue⊠just that when we travel, we both make a conscious effort to be âgo with the flowâ types, i.e. NO DRAMA once you leave home.
If it were me, Iâd be calling the widowed friend to find out if sheâd instigated the conversation (âoh, you should definitely join us, the more the merrierâ). If so- put the onus on HER to make the arrangements⊠rooms, transportation, etc. If she tries to get the gum off her shoe and onto you- just say simply âI love spending time with her but I find her travel needs a little intense sometimes so if you want her to join us, I think itâs better if I bow out of the arranging businessâ.
That will likely trigger the end of the discussion.
If she HADNâT instigated it, Iâd do the same strategy but call the high maintenance friend directly once she asks to join you. âWeâre really looking forward to the trip. Iâm going to hand over the arrangements to you; you seem to have really definite ideas on how you like to travel and we are much more laid back once we leave homeâ.
Then make sure you DONâT cancel your hotel, etc. so when she bails on you, youâve got Plan A to go back to! And then get busy booking ballet tickets and other âYou guys have a great evening, weâre going to the ballet tonight, see you at breakfastâ type plans!
We are currently on vacation with 2 other couples. One has done this to us repeatedly (changing/cancelling plans multiple times)
and the other couple the wife is being obnoxious/ridiculous about something which is making something we had all planned on completely uncomfortable and awkward and undoable. And that will persist for the remainder of the trip. Stick to your guns and say âthanks for asking- maybe another time.â
Oh and the one who is being ridiculous and making it impossible to do something we had planned on is the one flirting with my husband frequently. Itâs quite annoying. If we had known couple A was going to invite couple B, we would not have joined.
Iâm also in the camp of being comfortable saying ânoâ to B and not feeling badly about it. I too canât stand drama on vacation. I also think that if A is the one that mentioned to B that she should join, that A & B can do the post trip without you.
Many many years ago I had a friend invite herself on a small group vacation. She was horrible. Complained nonstop about everything and was downright rude to everyone. The epitome of the ugly American. We were embarrassed to be with her. Words were had but she ruined the segment of the trip she was on. (Thank goodness she wasnât with us the whole time).
Good luck and I hope that B never gets around to asking.
Actually there is a flip side to this. The wife of couple B who is being such a jerk and being inflexible is making an aspect of this trip very uncomfortable. She could be a little More flexible and considerate , but her rigid ânoâ is tainting the trip for us. So maybe there is a way to be flexible so the whole trip isnât awkward.
I like traveling with just my DH. We are very compatible travel wiseâŠlove doing most things together, but also each happy to go do our own thingâŠhe may go birding or fishing while I go back to some museum I didnât think we spent enough time at, or go shopping in a historic district, etc. We like to stay in a new place for at least a couple of weeks and generally wing it schedule wise, while also doing few guided tours/day trips. If I was going to do a week long group tour I would HAVE to have some time on one or both ends or I would feel like I had been rushed around my whole vacation.
My point here is I get it. If other people were asking to join on what I had otherwise looked forward to as the doing-our-own-thing leg of the trip, I would blame the ânoâ on myself with something to the effect of âI am flattered youâd like to hang with us more, but my introvert tendancies are STRONG and I will definitely have used up all my social bandwidth at the end of the group tour part of our trip.â
Oh boy thatâs difficult. I know my husband who hates to be confrontational would want us to include the annoying person because he hates to say no.
So much in fact that we usually donât make plans with others because of this exact reason.
Travel is too expensive to have difficult traveling companions.
@jym626 it sounds like you are presently on your trip. Hereâs hoping youâll be able to do some things on your own. But Iâm sure youâll never make this mistake again. I also hate it when you have plans with a couple and they invite a couple that you know you arenât compatible with. Itâs such a hard place to be.
Thanks. Couple A didnât tell us They were going to invite couple B until we had already paid for everything and booked everything. Otherwise we would have canceled. At least a couple B has agreed not to talk politics! That would have been challenging. And I fully expected that we would all get along just fine but the wife of couple B is being Unreasonable about something that makes no sense but it is what it is. It turns out couple A actually invited another friend of theirs who we donât even know, but fortunately that person wasnât able to come. Who books such a long, expensive trip and adds other people without checking first with the people already going? Oh well.
Just a reminder that one doesnât have to give a reason when saying no. I prefer to put a lot of fluff around it, along the lines of âoh my goodness, what a great idea! Unfortunately we canât this time, I am so sorry. It would have been so fun, but we just canât! I am so sorry!â
Of course, I have to be primed ahead of time â Iâm not great at thinking on my fert, especially in difficult situations.
Person B is being quite rude. Itâs nice that the OP wants to be âpolite,â but rudeness doesnât require it. Perhaps you might want to preface the âNoâ with âBless your heart,â but the two quotes above cover it all IMO.
@cincy_gal , If A invited B, I would suggest to them that they make their own reservations and plans.
If A didnât invite B, you can simply be honest with B and say that the week of hiking will deplete your stores of social energy, and that you just arenât up for more group time. Iâd clue A into the conversation, letting them know that given their disposition and your relationship, you are happy to have them join you but thatâs it.
There are people who are just very easy to travel with and others who are not. Itâs not a matter of how much you like them but of how similarly you approach and navigate your days, especially when you arenât in your natural element. This is everything from tolerance for/finding humor in discomfort, anxiety/flexibility around plans, ability to do your own thing, appetite for similar activities, matched budgets and spending priorities, etc.
I feel for you because these kinds of conversations can be awkward, but remember it will be less awkward than a full week with them. Travel opportunities are limited. Donât let guilt ruin this one.