This is something that I have wondered about for a long time when the subject of living at home to save money comes up. . I don’t want to offend anyone, but…
A lot of us first became sexually active in college. I assume the same is true of our kids. (Yes, I know that a certain percentage of kids are sexually active in HS, but bear with me.)
How do people handle this when their kids live at home during college? Do the kids have overnight guest privileges? Do they have to sneak around? Do their parents expect them to postpone this phase of their lives until they move out?
I can imagine this being extremely awkward for all concerned. I’m interested in what the expectations are and how people handle it.
I possibly should not reply, because my kids became sexually active in HS and don’t live at home now that they’re in college. However, they have had GFs come with them for breaks, and it’s only awkward if you let it be. I guess it would be difficult if it was 24x7x52 rather than breaks, or if there were scenes and fights, but I think the kids know enough to keep their private business private.
I’m in @IxnayBob’s camp. We have no problem with our kids bringing significant others home during vacations, summer, whenever. I know they are sexually active including in our home but a) that’s normal and b) it doesn’t need to be awkward nor even obvious.
How does a parent handle it whether in HS or college? It was a non-issue other than having a discussion about contraceptives with the kids.
Hmmm…I have no problem with S bringing GFs home for visits. I think that is very different from your kid, suddenly in college, but still living in his or her HS room full time, bringing a steady SO home. Or having 1-night stands, for that matter. It just seems weird to me, frankly. If I, as a college student, were in that position, I would NEVER have felt able to bring someone home to sleep with me in my bedroom.
But for us this is hypothetical. I wonder how people who have actually experienced it have dealt with it.
They were at home, and in the car, and at her house, and at parties. I’m only half kidding; you know how energetic kids are.
I handled it well when I liked the GF; with hookups I was less encouraging. There were some relationships that I didn’t think that much of, but nobody asked me. There was one long term relationship with a girl that I liked a lot, and I made sure to give them lots of space :). They broke up when college started.
Well, as a person who lived at home while in college, I can testify that it’s easy to be creative. I have zero sympthyand for kids who feel they need to sexile their roommate. Where there’s a will there’s a way. My parents would have NEVER let me bring someone home, except for one long-term foreign boyfriend. He came to visit. My dad set up a camping cot on the patio for him, and that’s where he slept. Too funny! It didn’t prevent, um, anything.
Well back in the day, I remember basements that parents never entered seemed to work okay. With our own kid we didn’t actually host the girl friend until after they graduated from college, but honestly - especially remembering the days of our dancing around - I was happy to make it clear that what ever they did behind closed doors was fine with us. And you do remember everything we told you about contraception right?
Our oldest son didn’t go away to college and became sexually active with his gf when she turned 17 (after 2 years of dating because I scared the crud out of him about statutory rape - he is 2 years and a couple of months older than her). Although we weren’t thrilled with it, because we have younger kids at home, we allowed her to stay over. They are now together for 9 years.
Our D became active in college and has brought 2 bf’s, neither of them her current one, home.
As far as I know, my other sons (22, 20 and 18) are not sexually active, at least not in my home.
Back in my day, I never had a boy in my family’s apartment. My first real bf, 8 years older than me, lived at home when we met. Within 2 months, he had rented his own apartment and moved out - it was, however, literally across the hall from his parents’ apartment! I lived with him there while I commuted to college. H lived in the basement of his parents’ house, which had a separate entrance so “entertaining” was not an issue - until the girl had to pee, when it would be time to go upstairs to the bathroom.
I became sexually active in high school. Yes, we (I dated the same guy from freshman year of high school until sophomore year of college) had sex in my high school bedroom. Yes, my parents knew (they found a condom receipt and thanked me for being responsible but basically left it as don’t ask, don’t tell).
I started going to his mom’s house (which was about an hour or so away) when I was 16 and we had sex there, too, since we often stayed for a week or more in the summers. Yes, his mom figured because she lightly teased us about it. Whether or not she actually “knew,” I don’t know.
College boyfriend (now spouse) began coming home with me on breaks after just a few months of dating. After college, we briefly lived with my parents while we were transitioning between undergrad and my grad school. They’ve lived on and off with us for the last few years.
Honestly, I figure my parents had sex for 20-some years in the room next to mine without me ever hearing it… we can manage to do the same. Just personally as the kid in this situation, I wouldn’t want my parents to hear me anymore than I wanted to hear them. So out of sight, out of sound (?), out of mind.
Oh, but we have NEVER had sex at his parents’ house even though we stay over quite often (they live next to the archives I use). They are very religious and there’s something about Jesus staring at me from every corner of the room that makes me go “nope nope nope.”
I wonder if people respond differently based on whether they have daughters or sons. As for an answer to the question, maybe the person your child is involved with has an apt or a dorm room so there’s that or you can go out sometimes and give them their privacy. It’s probably best to accept that it’s all normal and as long as everyone involved is respectful of boundaries and feelings than it should be ok. Maybe awkward, but ok.
We go on vacation with our older S and he brings his bf. It doesn’t seem any weirder than with any other couple/guests who use our guest room. I guess I’d say something (‘hey, go in the bedroom’) if there was heavy PDA going on, but I can’t see any of my kids doing that. We’re all pretty private in that regard. My H and I lived with my in-laws during a summer and we had to use the pull-out sofa in the living room…which meant my in-laws walked by us on the way to the bathroom or kitchen. I don’t think I could do much of anything in that situation today, but back then we were oblivious or perhaps just very motivated.
My daughter was sexually active in High School ( around age 18) My only concerns were safe practices which I discussed and I knew she was practicing and that she felt comfortable with what she was doing. From what she told me about her longtime HS boyfriend I was not at all worried about that either. “Have you heard of ‘yes means yes’ I mean it gets a little annoying. I finally told him I’d let him know if I didn’t want to do anything and he was like ok but understand that just because we’ve done something before doesn’t mean I expect you to it again”.
Ahhh such a sweet kid. He had ZERO parental supervision but I guess he was one of those kids who didn’t need it. I hope all her future boyfriends treat her as well.
But as a general answer to your question I’m not interested in policing the sexual practices of an adult living in my house who isn’t my husband. But I certainly don’t want to hear anything. If that was an issue I’d make em sleep in the bedroom in our basement
Apparently most of the kids discussed above had steady relationships. I don’t think that poses a problem. But when a kid is living at home, during or after college, goes to parties or concerts, and wants to “hook up” and bring someone home, that is a different circumstance. After a surprise or two, I made a rule that no one was allowed to have someone in their bedroom overnight unless it was a relationship that had gone on for a significant amount of time ( a few months at least) and seemed to be going somewhere. I also wanted to know ahead of time so I didn’t open a door in the morning in my chirping mom way and get a surprise.
Basically, when a young person lives at home, we DO know what is going on, unless they succeed in having someone sneak in a window and out by 5am! I needed to be comfortable, but my main priority was safety for my kid. I feel that in some cases living at home can kind of slow them down and make them think in terms of relationships rather than, er, recreation.
Fortunately, my three have now reached maturity, don’t live at home, and seem to have settled into relationships When they were home, they were very respectful of my rules and even welcomed them, thank heavens.
I didn’t live at home during college, but I dated and eventually married a guy whom I met at a summer job in our home town.
During my first two years of college (which were my boyfriend’s last two years of college), our only opportunities to, er, spend significant private time together occurred when we were home from college during breaks.
We found it was not so much a matter of where as when. Our parents had full-time jobs with regular hours. We had retail jobs with odd hours during the summer and no jobs during the other breaks. It was not difficult to figure it out. We knew when our homes (particularly his home, which had fewer people living in it) would be unoccupied.
I think the same principle would apply to college students living at home. They don’t have regular schedules the way their parents or younger siblings do. Opportunities will present themselves.
During high school, no one of the opposite sex was allowed in the bedroom(s) of either of my children or in the house if I was not home. My S had a steady girlfriend his junior and senior year and they were sexually active but not in my house (at least when I was home to know about it). I believe “what I don’t know/see/hear won’t hurt me” lol. I am not naive though.
As for college, haven’t had the issue come up. My S joined the military at 18 and now 9 years later lives with his steady/almost fiancee in DC. D has only had one boyfriend and they broke up last fall.
No way would I allow the random hook-up in my house. It is irresponsible behavior on both parties and I cannot condone that, kids, friends, relatives, nadda.
When they were home, they were very respectful of my rules and even welcomed them, thank heavens.