<p>Niece goes to a top college, nice campus 15 minutes away from the airport, good food, new dorms, good programs with flexibility to change schools, but she calls home whining that she is unhappy there, she wants something else. Her reason are: dont like my roommate, she ignores me; not enough to do on campus; get tired of eating in the same place, hate lecture classes; get sick every week, and so on.
My SIL is upset; she is worried her D would get depressed. Told her kids usually live the moment without thinking in the future and she has to learn that she goes to college to have a happier future, whatever is annoying her now will be soon forgotten.
SIL talked with my niece, and now the kid is mad at her believing her mother dont care is she is happy or not.
Is anyone with a situation like this?</p>
<p>A couple of things:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Does your niece have an idea of what she might like to do instead of attending this college? Would she like to transfer to a different college? Go home and get a job? Join the military? If she leaves her current college, she’s going to have to do something. What would it be?</p></li>
<li><p>Your niece may want to know that – as many people on College Confidential have said – getting used to college can take many months. Sometimes, it takes most of freshman year before the student really feels comfortable. It is possible that if your niece gives herself more time to adjust to her current campus, she may find that her feelings about it change. This is especially likely if, as the year goes on, she finds an extracurricular activity or even a part-time job that she likes, if she makes a good friend or two, or if she develops a true interest in even one class.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Unless your niece is so seriously depressed that her family is worried that she might harm herself, perhaps the best way for her to handle the situation would be for her to give college a little more time – at least to the end of the first semester and maybe to the end of freshman year – while at the same time investigating alternatives, such as transferring to a different college. That way, if she does continue to be unhappy, she will have alternatives. But when the time comes to consider those alternatives, she may find that she doesn’t need them.</p>
<p>SO, the neice is “unhappy”- have we as parents always had happy cheery children at all times? no we have not</p>
<p>what SIL needs to do is ask her D what she wants to happen- exactly</p>
<p>does neice want to drop out of school? and if so, what would she do with her time? would she work? because at this point starting a new school is no possible most likely</p>
<p>does neice want to transfer? and if so, does she have a plan? is she keeping her grades up? is she finding out ways to make it happen? what are the deadlines and so on?</p>
<p>There are lots of kids like this- some stay and it gets better, some transfer and it ges better (but transfer in the spring or fall- not at the beginning), some stay and it doesn’t get better and some transfer and it is the same</p>
<p>There is no shame in transferring, but to do so you need a plan, just ike when you applied to college in the first place</p>
<p>Maybe the girl just isnt’ ready for college at all, and that needs to be asked in a careful way, and no shame in that either</p>
<p>It took me well into the second semester of my freshman year to feel comfortable at college. I don’t adjust well to change and it takes me a while to make friends. Yes, it is miserable to be temporarily friendless, but it’s curable.</p>
<p>The other type of misery is being at the school that is just wrong for you. My niece started at Texas A&M-she went there because “everyone” was doing it if they were in the top 10%. I knew it was the wrong school for her (she’s very politically liberal) and it was. However, she stuck it out for three semesters…that is how long it took her to (a) identify a school she’d like better, (b) get admitted, and (c) obtain a financial aid package as good as she had a A&M. </p>
<p>If you think your daughter has the second type of problem-just the wrong school for her-I’d make her do what my niece did. Stay at school until she’s found a better fit, been admitted, and obtained any necessary financial aid. Maybe in lieu of doing all that work,she will try harder to like the school she orignally chose.</p>
<p>The major problem here is that these kinds of problems can follow your niece anywhere. Let’s say she transfers. There’s no guarantee that she’ll have a good roommate, make friends, or find lots to do on campus that she wants to do. (There aren’t that many schools in which there’s really “nothing to do”; remember the teens standing in front of a full refrigerator whining that “there’s nothing to eat”, or in front of a full closet complaining that “I have nothing to wear”?) And at every residential college, you always eat in the same place! Even if there are multiple dining halls/choices, it still starts to feel like you’re eating in the same place.</p>
<p>These all seem like normal adjustment complaints. </p>
<p>
This is the one statement that concerns me - does SIL have a reason to believe that D would get clinically depressed? Does she suffer from any mental illness? Is there depression in the family? Or is your SIL using “depressed” in the non-clinical sense of temporary sadness?</p>
<p>If the latter, there’s one other thing for your SIL to remember: Mothers are good “dumping grounds” - we’re safe. Kids tell us everything that’s conceivably wrong or uncomfortable, get it out of their system, and then go on their merry way. They don’t tell us everything that’s good, enjoyable, fun, etc. Your niece may not be exaggerating purposefully, but I doubt that SIL is getting the full picture!</p>
<p>Now, if niece wants to transfer, I agree that there needs to be more than just, “I want to go someplace else”. There’s got to be a plan, and a well-reasoned idea of why the problems she’s having now won’t recur somewhere else.</p>
<p>Good luck to all of you!</p>