My ods and gf have announced that they are moving in together. Ds tells me privately they are most likely on their way to the altar. I am thrilled as I love her yet I am a bit uncomfortable. We have very conservative family members who might not necessarily agree that “living in sin” is the best approach. I guess I just won’t comment on it in general, but should find another way to get across their “intentions”. WDYT?
Congrats! I’m all for moving in together prior to marriage. As far as your conservative family members, if in the year 2015 they don’t understand this is quite common, they are living with their head stuck in the sand. (Hubby and I lived together back in the early 80s.) Personally, I wouldn’t hide it.
I’ve been living with my fiance for nearly 4 years. We’re walking down the aisle in a few weeks. His family members are very conservative and very religious. We just didn’t talk about it and no one has really brought it up to us. They did bring it up to his parents, privately, and my in-laws told them it was our business, not theirs.
Unless family members are paying for their bills, they should say nothing. If something is said, I’d personally ask what bills of mine they are planning to pay this month. I have a short temper with these things though so I don’t recommend this path 
Really though- why does it matter what family thinks? If the couple is happy, that’s all that matters IMO.
Every family has its own values, but this is so common these days that it is best to just accept it. Well- I lived with boyfriends way back in my day, so what can I say? My son and his girlfriend have been living together for a year and a half, and her parents accepted it but I don’t think her grandparents know. Now they are living in a house together that he bought. Sometimes the couples are just not financially ready to get married- or have other things to sort out as far as future plans, further education etc.
I can understand the reservations of your extended family. My family (and I) are similar in that. However, as other posters have pointed out, it’s not really the extended family’s business and there’s not a lot anyone can do about it in this progressive era. Their choice (and yours) is whether or not it is worth severing relationships over the couple’s decision, and that is one that can only be made by each member of the family. Best wishes to all involved, including the happy couple.
My kid is moving in with her BF and it’s their decision. That’s my take: no one else’s business. Their choice as adults. Express that and just that.
I admit I was a little uncomfortable when D first moved in with her bf. Didn’t faze my (conservative) parents or in-laws.
My 80 year old parents (who’ve been happily married for close to 57 years) surprised me lately by stating that they think marriage is an antiquated institution. Times, they are a-changing.
I must admit that I wasn’t too pleased when my daughter moved in with her boyfriend a year ago, who had bought a house before he met her. Since then we’ve spent a lot of holidays with his family. Several weeks ago, he came by and told us he was planning on marrying her and has asked our advice about an engagement ring. It appears that he is in the process of combining my mother’s engagement ring with two other diamonds for a ring that signifies past, present and future. We’re all a lot happier at this point.
It’s 2015. <:-P
H & I lived together for almost 4 yrs before we got married.
Next month it will be 34 yrs.
I was pregnant when we got married, ( & lost it 3 days later), my mother in law gave me a lot of grief.
Not only about " rushing" into marriage, but because I was hyphenating my last name.
About twenty years later, we all discovered that MIL had also been pregnant when she was married, ( with H).
Hmm.
Then last year, oldest married her live in boyfriend, and did not change her name.
No one even blinked. Not her grandparents or her southern in laws.
Even pretty conservative folks can get behind love. Doesn’t matter if hetero or not, or if they have a ceremony or not.
It’s not really anyone’s business if they are eventually going to get married, and I suggest not hinting that they will, otherwise those folks may drive you crazy asking when?
Probably also the same folks that keep asking couples when they are going to have children.
DS2 and I just had a long talk about this. I think I surprised him when I said I wasn’t a fan. He knows that I’m not scandalized by the sex, and I told him that if he ever lived with someone I just wouldn’t want my parents to know, but he’s years away from that kind of decision, and my parents (87 and 83) probably will be long gone before he were to make that kind of move. He totally got it.
I have a friend who is super-religious and against it for moral reasons. That’s not my thing.
I don’t want to be flamed on here, but I know I probably will be anyway. My reasoning for why I’m not such a fan is that I think a lot of couples are fooling themselves into thinking it’s more of a commitment than it is. Yes, yes, I know lots of people live together and do end up getting married, but let’s face it – it’s easier to walk away when you aren’t married. Again, it’s not the living together; it’s what the arrangement might mean/doesn’t mean to each party. You either want to make the commitment or you don’t.
So, OP, I get your reservations. If it were my kid, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I’d keep my mouth shut.
My H and I lived together before we were married back in the 70s. We encouraged all of our Ds to do the same once they were in a committed relationship. I actually would be worried if one of them made the decision not to live together before marriage. It’s common, it’s been common for decades. What extended family members think shouldn’t matter. They are free to think whatever they want about it as long as they don’t voice those opinions.
We’re in a similar situation, and have chosen not to mention the living together specifically to my father in law, who is facing lots of medical issues and who really doesn’t need anything potentially upsetting right now. Ironically, mentioning that my son and his girlfriend are sharing an apartment reassured one conservative wing of the family, who were convinced that he is gay. And as an added bonus, she’s the “right” religion, even if she’s not observant. Sigh.
(And I wondered why the assistant principal of my children’s K-8 school once asked me, “Are you deliberately trying to make them so snarky?”)
To which I, personally, say- thank god! (Figuratively speaking, of course). Maybe it’s just me (actually, I know it’s not since both my parents and grandparents lived together before marriage and recommended it), but I’d rather people figure out that they aren’t right for each other before going through the hassle of a marriage and divorce.
It was through semi-living with my ex that I realized that we were not going to make it. We almost did get married. Whew, dodged a bullet there!
I figure it’s going to happen with one of my kids too. We are fine with it. We won’t send change of address cards out to the relatives…but we also won’t try to keep it a secret.
Is it still called “living in sin?”
I think it’s ok if they stay in separate bedrooms and don’t have sexual relations. That’s what my wife told her parents when we bought our house together before we got married.
The divorce rate indicates its not THAT hard to walk away from marriage.
My daughter was living with a guy for three years. They broke up. They weren’t right for each other. I am very happy they did not marry each other.
I want my kids to live together first.
I am mother and aunt to six mid-20 to 30 somethings and from what I can tell from their lives and those of their friends, a lot of young people today are not religious and don’t see marriage as super important, but can still definitely have a commitment to one another. Two of my nieces have been with the same partners for years, one for 5 years, the other for much longer. They’re both 30. They own homes with their partners and share lives with in-laws the same as my generation did as young married couples. But at the same time, they’re not chained to someone for life-and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. There are a LOT of people who shouldn’t be married for life-that’s a religious thing, it’s not a law.
I think whether they live before marriage or not, a lot of marriages will be starter marriage. I’ve already seen it my generation.