@romanigypsyeyes - Put me down for 1 in the column of marriage not changing anything. Lived together for 3 years prior to marriage, been married almost 30. Nothing changed for my spouse and I as the commitment was already there.
I don’t care if people have kids out of wedlock as long as they are good parents, I don’t care about whether people - gay or straight - get married or not per their choosing, as long as they are loving and kind to each other. A piece of paper from the government does not dictate a relationship and commitment. It’s in your mind and heart, and its either there or it is not. Societal conventions be damned.
I am not a fan of my kids living together with someone just because they are going out. The reason being I don’t want them to feel they are stuck with someone because they are living with the person. D1 and her bf of 5 years are moving in together next month. They plan on getting engaged a year from now. They want to make sure they are compatible in managing their finance and household together. I think it is a good idea because most couple fight about sex and money. I told my mother about it. She is a conservative Asian grandmother, but she is not opposed to it.
What’s interesting is D1 is coming off my health insurance this year and she will be able to get on her BF’s insurance because they will be living together. D1’s company offers insurance, but my insurance and her BF’s insurance are a lot more comprehensive than hers, plus they are free.
My S lives with his girlfriend. I really don’t give a hang if my relatives care or not. Not my business, definitely not theirs.
I wish sometimes they would get engaged. She’s really nice and I am hoping she sticks around. I am positive my son couldn’t do any better.
My D does not live with her boyfriend. But seriously, they are either at his place or hers. It would make sense if they would. But he has a roommate he likes and her apartment is too small for his stuff. He’s in a graduate program and will be graduating in December. We will see what happens then as I’m sure he will be relocating and my D plans on going wherever her BF finds a job.
We got married first. Actually there was a gap because we got a civil (courthouse) marriage months before our church wedding because there was immigration paperwork we wanted to get out of the way. We were planning NOT to move in together until after our church wedding, but our families said “that’s silly, you’re already legally married, no need to wait”.
I do feel personally that the church wedding made it really real for me and the civil contract did feel like “just a piece of paper.”
I don’t know about my kids. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Edit: I guess the presence of the wider community, making our vows publicly, is what made it feel real for me.
Another minority that didn’t live together first. My parents would have gone throught the roof, and I really ended up with their viewpoint…whether it is right, wrong, old fashioned it is what it is…it’s how I felt. I felt that DH couldn’t have me if he just wanted to live with me, and all that entails, unless I got a legal committment. Which to me meant a public declaration in front of family and god, what is his is legally mine…and his willingness and knowledge that walking out wouldn’t be an “easy” thing to do if things got tough. He had to “earn” me. I know that’s not a popular stance or belief. He has told me he’s glad I was like that. So it guess it’s good we ended up together…we each had the same viewpoints. Every couple is different, right?
Now, I don’t have daughters. I wouldn’t be thrilled is my DS said they were living with their girlfriends. To be totally honest here…If I loved the girl it I would impart my morals on him, but really wouldn’t bother me too much…i’ve mellowed alot in 30+ years. If I really didn’t like the girl, or thought it wasn’t a good match…I’d be thrilled they weren’t getting married and just lived together.
I am another that lived with my dh for a few years before getting married. We were not going to tell our parents as we lived out of state and knew that they wouldn’t want to know. Well, we ended up having to tell them (mine were coming to visit!). Dh’s parents were not pleased but didn’t say anything, mine hit the roof and were very upset. Several years later, when my sister went through a very nasty divorce, my mother said to me, " I wish she had lived with him first. I think you were smart to do that."
Both of my kids have lived with their long term boyfriends. One is now married and the other is still test driving. The married one probably wouldn’t be married yet as they are both procrastinators but she needed the health insurance. They seem very happy so I think it has worked out.
Haven’t studies proven that people that live together before marriage are more likely to divorce?
I have always felt that this was probably due couples being so entangled financially that it’s easier to just get married than split up and start over with new housing etc. So the path of least resistance is followed whereas if each partner has their own living quarters and aren’t so connected financially they find it easier to walk away before they ever get married.
Any thoughts on this?
My husband and I didn’t live together first. We will have our 30th anniversary this year. My D1 is engaged and has chosen not to live with her fiancé for very sensible logistical reasons. I am confident my D2 will live with her boyfriend when she finishes grad school next year. We think both of those decisions are right for the couples.
The only thing I asked is that my kids not purchase a home with someone they are not married to unless they have sought legal counsel for that situation and have crossed their Ts and dotted their Is.
My family is very conservative, but no one cares about living together as long as both partners are adults.
^^ As I get older things just aren’t black and white for me anymore. I still feel it was the best choice for me, I stayed true to myself and who I was. I think what people need to do is not do things for the other person if they aren’t on the same page and comfortable with it.
@riverbirch - That’s not true about living together before marriage and a higher rate of divorce according to articles you will find from the past year or so if you google it.
Besides, that wouldn’t necessarily be a correlation. One could argue that couples who are willing to live together before marriage are more likely to leave an unhappy marriage because they don’t follow conventions, less concerned about taboos, or are not as religious.
We didn’t live together but we might as well have. We ended up in the same town after dating for almost 5 years and I got an apt and BF/H rented a room in an elderly couple’s house a mile away. He was at my apt everyday and for all purposes, except for sleeping we were together.
S and his GF (who I expect to be engaged very soon) are looking for apts now. It does bother me a bit because I feel like “why not just get married?” or “if you live together, what will be new and exciting when you do get married?”
But they started dating in high school, went to separate colleges 3 hours apart and both graduated on time. Both got jobs after graduating and both lived home this year saving some $$$. They have spent 4 years fully apart in college and one year going back and forth between parent homes for a year. Who am I to judge or think that they have not “paid their dues”. My S (who is very family oriented and traditional) really truly believes that if they are engaged, that’s “close enough” to start living together. I don’t 100% agree with that, and I think a couple of family members will be a bit surprised, but if that’s the “worst” that comes out of their relationship, then so be it!
I do hope that he gets a ring on her finger before they move in together!
Again, just personally, I don’t WANT anything new and exciting when I get married. I want to go into a marriage with every possible piece of knowledge I can get. This includes what it’s like to live and sleep with my partner. I’d prefer absolutely no surprises. Like hey, surprise, we can’t sleep in the same bed because you snore so loud that I can’t sleep and you won’t go to the doctor. Or, surprise, you expect me to take on the cleaning roles because I’m the woman. Or the only time you ever cleaned was when I came over and are really a complete slob.
Imo, there are people who love each other very deeply but just can’t live together. That is me though. To each their own. I’d personally be very adverse to my children NOT living with their SOs before marriage.
Whether the “new and exciting” part of living together occurs before or after a wedding, it is still a very fleeting time and imo isn’t that significant big picture.
^^^I also understand and can’t argue that side Romani.
To be honest, I think that all many people (some family members probably too) can think is that the couple wants to live together for sexual purposes. Does anyone agree with that outlook - that the sexuality part is what makes “living together” wrong for many people (like the 80 year old grandparents, the aunts/uncles who are very religious).
My S tells me that he and GF/about to be fiance look forward to not having to part at the end of the night, grocery shopping together, working together as a couple - I can’t argue with all that! Again, they have stayed apart for 5 years, stayed together with no falter moments during that time and truly seem very good for each other.
Oldest daughter married two years ago. She did not live with her boyfriend/fiance before they married. I honestly have no idea whether they considered or discussed living together. My guess would be that they talked about it (same city after all) and decided not to.
I’m glad she chose to live on her own as she adjusted to life out of law school, her first job, and relearning a city she hadn’t lived in for seven years. She needed that time to herself. She was engaged at the time with the wedding planned for about a year later; living together was just around the corner anyway.
