<p>My father wants to attend my sons graduation at MIT this week. I am dreading this and my husband is furious. I am going to explain that I think it will be too hot and too much for him. This graduation involves a long car ride with many bathroom stops (lasix as well) and frequent eating due to diabetes. I do not want this very special day ruined. Could you try telling your mom that you think it would be too much for her. It would be nice if they realized this on their own but they want to be included.</p>
<p>As I said earlier, my mom missed my son’s graduation at UVa last year(she was 85 at the time, mobility issues, lasix,similar stuff to what others are saying). We just had to tell her she just could not go. It was a very hard thing to do. For those not familiar with UVa, everything takes place on the Lawn, then you have to move to your different departments to receive your actual diploma. Lots of walking, outside all day,old buildings some of which could use more bathrooms,etc). It is an all day affair. We just had to tell her how difficult the day would be, how we were worried ourselves about getting around, bathroom issues,etc. Just had to be honest that as much as we wanted her there, it was just not going to work. She also would have had to fly to Charlottesville with my sister to meet up with us. She also had to miss my younger son’s high school graduation last year as well as my sister felt she just was not up for bringing my mom with her on a plane to our town. Lots of tears and some guilt involved but she ended up understanding. The day would have been so much more stressful if she had been with us.</p>
<p>Martina, in your example, your mother did not treat you with respect. It sounds like your daughters are young, and she should have been able to understand that they could not be left alone in the ocean! If her dementia is such that she can not understand that, then you are setting yourself up for a miserable time by trying to make her “happy”. I know that it is difficult dealing with elders who have dementia, but if we let the inmates control the asylum, then we will really suffer. When mom or dad stops making sense, we can no longer provide what they asked for. When our children were small and they wanted to play in the snow in their bathing suits (for lack of a better example), we said no. It is harder to say no to an adult parent, but if they are unreasonable or impossible, we must do it.</p>
<p>I think the best advice is that if your mom wants to go, she needs a wheelchair or a jazzy motorized vehicle and an aide. I can understand that she would want to come but is your day too, and you can’t let yourself be overwhelmed by taking care of her needs.</p>
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<p>I admit I haven’t read all the responses, but I know someone taking Lasix. On days when she has to go out, she doesn’t take it. Of course, I don’t know if her doctor knows this, but it helps the situation.</p>
<p>I was going to mention about not taking the lasix also (as we have done that occasionally with my mother-rarely but sometimes it just makes sense) but the OP has mentioned that her mom is really ritualistic about her meds.
I agree with anothermom2 that if your mom insists on going, I would have someone helping her , even it means paying someone to do so. If my sister had been willing to put my mom on the plane with her last year for my son’s high school graduation, I think we really would have left her home for the graduation ceremony and assured her we would include her in everything else. She is also unfortunatley getting more confused all the time. My sister has no children and has never married and I would never have wanted her to have to be distracted by caring for my mom (probably having to sit separately with her elsewhere where the wheelchairs were). My sons have given her the closest feeling she would ever be able to get of being a parent. I would have really tried to find someone else to keep an eye on my mother if it had come to that.</p>
<p>Lots of great advice, thanks!</p>
<p>I got busy at work and was not able to call the venue today. I checked the website but they didn’t really have much information, so I’ll have to call tomorrow.</p>
<p>I probably wouldn’t have her skip the lasix; I could ask the doctor but she has symptoms of CHF, and hot summer days don’t seem to help.</p>
<p>She isn’t always unreasonable but has always been on the demanding side. So it’s a long standing issue exacerbated by the dementia. I think part of it is I have PTSD (lol) from the beach incident and other incidents along the way. I want this day to be about my S. I am proud of him and want it to be his day; I don’t want to have to sit separate from the rest of our family </p>
<p>I had mentioned my SIL is a nurse; when her mother (my MIL) was ill she schlepped her places in a wheelchair and I suppose I feel guilty that I don’t feel comfortable and too anxious to bring my mother out more.</p>
<p>I am not sure what I am going to do about the graduation yet. I am leaning toward telling her it will be too long and too much for her. But I am thinking now about getting someone to come in to see her during the days while we are at work.</p>
<p>martina99 … call your mom’s Dr. and tell them to tell her that she cannot go. </p>
<p>From what I am hearing, you can choose to ignore your S (again?) and cater to a woman that possibly (probably) isn’t all there. Having her there, even “behaving” beautifully will NOT be a win/win. </p>
<p>My mom is on the verge. She is coming to S’s graduation … and she will “behave” as well as she can. In the mean time my H will be PO’d and short tempered and I’ll have knots in my stomach and not just enjoy the day. I know since that happened 2 years ago at my D’s grad, and Mom is a lot more than two years older. It really takes the focus off the grad WHERE THE FOCUS SHOULD BE (sorry for yelling!! ) and puts it on walking a tightrope.</p>
<p>It is OK for you to have the day without worry with your S and H and to let your mom enjoy a more appropriate outing. It is OK for you to feel sorry for her, but not to be controlled by guilt. just my 2¢</p>
<p>Sounds like my MIL. We have taken her places, and she has to wear disposable underwear and Serenity pads within that and a pad on the seat as well. We flew out to my son’s graduation which was in a huge arena setting. She had to sit in the plane without using the bathroom facilities because of her inability to walk without a walker. She was in handicapped seating at the arena with my oldest son as her designated companion. She had to be taken to the lady’s room in the middle of the ceremony which was anticipated.</p>
<p>We just deal with it, but there are times that we are too late to get her to a restroom, and she has to deal with that and be “armed” accordingly. She doesn’t like it, but neither do we. It’s really like having a small child again, but one with certain “rights”. </p>
<p>We went to a wedding this past weekend, and did not take her. We made it clear from day 1 that she was not coming along, and we told her the difficulties and arranged some activities for her at home, along with video that we shared with her when we were home today. We include her in things that we can enjoy with her, though enjoying anything is a problem because she is difficult.</p>
<p>Nothing I can add except my good thoughts and prayers for all who are facing this. You have earned some blessing or karma from those of us who have slightly younger parents who can actually get there and back on their own.<br>
Come back next year and tell us what worked.</p>
<p>And I hope that I have enough mental acuity when my time comes that I remember this and save my children from the grief and turmoil as my Mom has and her mother did. .</p>
<p>Singersmom07, I agree. I think some of the older folks in their eighties most likely rarely had to deal with these kinds of issues as their parents tended to be gone at much earlier ages.</p>
<p>This case, it seems to me, is kind of borderline as to whether you should agree to take her or not. My suggestion is to tell her that if she wants to go, she will have to use a wheelchair. The wheelchair will make logistics a lot easier (assuming the arena has good access, which it probably does.) If she won’t agree to use the wheelchair, don’t take her.</p>
<p>I don’t have any advice, but it does my heart good to see this post. I have the same problem and I’m trying not to let it ruin the day. I know I should be happy that the grandparents want to attend, but as people have said, the logistics of it are complicated and tend to change the focus of the day. </p>
<p>I’m ordering the DVD of the ceremony so that I can watch it in peace at a later date. I’m hoping for the best on the actual day, but this way I won’t panic if I gest distracted.</p>
<p>Here’s hoping that everything works out for all of us.</p>
<p>I agree that it is a borderline call, hence my angst 
The issue is as much my comfort (anxiety) level as hers.</p>
<p>I’ve already told my kids to just put me in a home when the time comes. I do feel bad. She was once an active, independant woman, and now she is reduced to a dependent, in may ways child like person. And I feel bad that I sometimes see her as a burden rather than someone whose life has been reduced to getting through the day bored and frustrated by her limitations.</p>
<p>My D1 college & HS grad’s were all about the grandparents and showing them a good time. I am just as happy NOT to have grandparents come, if they are demanding and needy. It is sooo easy to be guilted into this. I recall many years ago taking the grandparents to a college sports tournament500 miles from their home, so they could see our DD play, it was a ton of work and whilst they were happy to experience it, they were also not nearly as full of gratitude as the amount of work drained us. We went to extreme efforts to show them a great weekend and a great time, but a few weeks later they were basically asking what we would do for them next, so the more you do, the higher the expectations you set up.</p>
<p>@ post 35, I can empathize with you on that last bit. After a few times of that kind of thing happening, I just became frozen emotionally myself toward that kind of thing. Now, I have to say, I don’t feel I owe the oldsters any entertainment. If they want to do what I invite them to or visit with me at my house, that’s great, otherwise I will visit them when it is not a burden to me or my family’s needs. I guess it sounds cold, but I no longer visit on sundays because the 2 hr. trip takes too much out of me for work on monday. If they don’t understand, as they say in french “tant pis”</p>
<p>AM2- yep, that set of grandparents are very demanding and nothing is ever enough, since I am still going to do the right thing, I decided the only thing I could do is do it on my terms rather than fall prey to any guilting. My DH can talk to his mother for 2 hours and 2 days later be told they have no idea what is going on! So, we do what we feel is right and correct and we make our stand by doing it when it works for us…that prevents resentment from building up and marring the interactions.</p>
<p>We had to learn not to expect them to appreciate what we do and that makes it better, low expectations can be helpful ;)</p>
<p>Well, just want to report back that our problem was solved by my H actually asking his parents if they want to come to graduation (we assumed they did want to come and that it would be a hardship for all concerned). Turns out, they realize that physically it would be challenging and uncomfortable for them, so they said they can’t come. H invited them to dinner with us afterwards and they pretty much declined that too (“probably not, it depends how we feel that day”).</p>
<p>It is good that they are acknowledging their limitations at this point, but sad that they really just cannot get out anymore due to health reasons.</p>
<p>OP, here…</p>
<p>I ended up telling her that I couldn’t bring her, that I thought it would be too much for her. Probably not my finest moment, but I just couldn’t overcome my anxiety about it.</p>
<p>There was handicapped seating along the top, and the bathroom was accessible. I definitely would have had to have gotten a wheelchair. But it would have been a long evening for her, and she seemed accepting of what I said.</p>