<p>Having read and participated in the recent elder related threads, I have a question of my own, for those who deal with parents or other relatives with mobility issues. I feel I am giving into my own misgivings and maybe there is more I should be doing.</p>
<p>My upcoming scenario is S’s high school graduation. My mother cannot walk very well or for much of a distance anymore. She uses a cane when out, she should probably be using a walker. She is ok at the supermarket with a carriage to hold on to.</p>
<p>The graduation is to be held at a regional arena. I know they have handicapped parking, but it will still be quite an effort to get her in the building and to a seat. Then there is the fact that she takes Lasix and will want to be brought to the bathroom several times during the course of the ceremony.</p>
<p>I generally practically break out in hives when trying to plan to bring her to something. Part of it is I usually have my two younger kids along, and mom can unpredicably decide she’s not feeling well on top of everything else (she has health problems but tends to be dramatic about every ache and pain)</p>
<p>My H will be along so he can handle the two little ones; I was thinking maybe getting a wheelchair might help. I still get overwhelmed thinking about it but feel guilty that I don’t make more of an effort.</p>
<p>Does anyone have suggestions or advice about what they do in these situations? Part of me (a big part) would just like to take video of the occasion and show it to her afterward. But maybe I can rise to the occasion this time?</p>
<p>(She is also extremely hard of hearing and is showing mild dementia)</p>
<p>My mother solved that issue for us by insisting that she stay home and we could bring her the video. She even passed on S2’s wedding because the logistics of getting to the mountain top were pretty difficult for her. She remembered what a blessing it was for her when my grandmother also decided not to attend the graduations when she could no longer move around, see or hear well. The crowds, walking, distances, etc, was just too great and the terrain was not that good for a wheel chair. . Do we miss her, yes, but sharing the video after with commentary was fun too. If it is too hard to say it, can you fudge how many tickets are available?</p>
<p>“The graduation is to be held at a regional arena”</p>
<p>If she really wants to attend, is there a possibility that they have a motorized cart that she could be transported to her seat? (I’m thinking of the kind of carts they have at the airports for this purpose)</p>
<p>Also, a “jazzy” walker may help you out or, as you mentioned, the facility may have a wheelchair for your use…</p>
<p>Since it is in a public arena, you may have resources available you might not normally have had if it was taking place at a high school location.</p>
<p>Hmm, part of me wishes for singersmom’s scenario. I would like to enjoy the occasion without the stress. </p>
<p>But she has made it pretty plain that she is hurt by being left out of things. And these are things I really couldn’t manage, like bringing her with my daughters to the beach for the day. </p>
<p>She does have a jazzy walker. I just worry about the bathroom trips on top of everything else and am getting myself worked up.</p>
<p>Many graduations in large public arenas reserve a convenient seating area for people with mobility issues and their families. If there isn’t one you know of for your son’s graduation, you could always call the high school and ask what arrangements have been made. Who knows - if you sound as if you expect that of course grandparents with wheelchairs and walkers will be accommodated, someone may try to make it happen.</p>
<p>If your mom doesn’t have a wheelchair, you can often borrow one from a local fire department or senior center. Our fire department has an extensive loaner closet of these items. You can have it in the car and produce it at the right moment. If your mom is reluctant to use it going in, she might change her mind and be willing to use it after the ceremony.</p>
<p>It’s high school graduation. They are already expecting elderly grandparents. However, they may not be the ones in charge of accommodations, since it’s being held in a large public arena (I’m reading this as being off campus), so I would call the facility where it’s being held and explain the situation to them. Given all the restrictions you have (bathroom breaks, etc.), they might even discourage her from coming… you never know.</p>
<p>OK, I am going to call about the accomodations, and if she really wants to go, I am going to suck it up and deal with it. I would imagine a handicapped section might have easier access to a bathroom.</p>
<p>It’s my hangup, and I should try to be mature about it. But I still hope she decides to stay home :)</p>
<p>Yeah, I deal with an MIL who is in a wheelchair, and I have gotten the entire crew dressed & in the car (no small feat, she s larger than I am) and loaded the chair and had to unload her in the driveway for a potty stop. It would be really frustrating if it happened in my real life instead of just when I am visiting and can figure I am there for her pleasure and if potty stops are part of it, fine.</p>
<p>Perhaps take charge of that aspect, choose to take her before & after on your timing, look at the program and tell her at which break you will be taking her so she can look forward to it. Control it a little, by presetting the times, maybe having more control would be less stressful??</p>
<p>I am not real big on finding graduations festive so at DDs university grad a few weeks ago, I would have been grateful for a break from the speeches and all the kids who crossed the stage after DD, even for a potty stop :D</p>
<p>Our h.s. has graduations at a big arena in a city about ten miles away.
When S1 graduated, we took a wheelchair in the car for FIL. The wheelchair/handicapped areas were in the upper part of the arena. MIL insisted DH and I go down to the lower level so we could see S1 better. She and FIL sat in the wheelchair zone and then we went up and got them when the ceremoney was over.
By the time S2 graduated three years later, FIL’s health was too poor for them to make the trip. </p>
<p>So that is something to check on…the location of the handicapped area within the arena.</p>
<p>Is it possible to bring along someone not as connected to your child who would be willing to help, take charge of your mom and handle getting her “potty” issues taken care of? Perhaps even paying someone if it comes down to it? I would imagine it would be stressful to deal with this kind of distraction on such a big day. Would you think the idea of promising the video as someone has mentioned, including her in everything else (dinner, party-whatever you have planned) would work? My mother missed my son’s graduation last year. She was sad to miss it but when we explained all the difficult logistics, she ended up understaning. I think doing everything imaginable so a parent does not miss a graduation is a little different than a grandparent who has probably had many opportunities to see important events already with their own children.</p>
<p>OK, I am going to look into the facility arrangements. If I think it’s doable (and most likely they have accommodations) I’ll ask her if she thinks she’ll be able to get through it and wants to go. I really have reservations about her ability to be comfortable through a long program and I’ll be honest with her about that.</p>
<p>My SIL is a nurse and will be there, but I would not ask her to take on that responsibility, she does enough for us already as backup childcare.</p>
<p>Sorry if I am making a big deal out of this. I am an only child and the only caregiver for my mother; she lives with us and things are a bit strained at times.</p>
<p>Are there extra tickets for the graduation, or just a limited number per family?</p>
<p>If you can get an extra ticket…can you afford to hire a companion, or do you have a good friend, who could join you for the few hours of graduation? </p>
<p>That way, if she needs to go to the bathroom, the companion could take her and you wouldn’t miss anything. </p>
<p>The lack of inhabition that appears as nastiness in some seniors is often lessened when there is a non-family member around. Since your mom lives with you…and there are already tensions…it seems that finding a “respite” companion to occasionally spend time with her might be a good solution to ease the strain - even outside of this event.</p>
<p>My mother surprised me by choosing to wear Depends when she wanted to not worry about bathroom availability. She too is showing early signs of dementia, but can be surprisingly practical about some things. She figures that, as long as she keeps herself clean and changes frequently, nobody notices when she wears the Depends, but that an accident would be mortifying.</p>
<p>Picking up on Sevmom’s idea here, you might call the Guidance Counselor to ask if there’s a responsible h.s. Junior who wishes she could be at the graduation but isn’t eligible for tickets. Include her in your party. Pay her to be the companion but require her in advance to do all the work you need, rather than go off to sit with friends. Set out expectations in advance. I hope someone can do this for you so you can enjoy without regret.</p>
<p>I also thought of the Depends. You could test it out by describing a different situation (unrelated to the graduation) where someone used them = at a concert or somesuch. See how she reacts to the idea in general. If good, then say, “I was wondering if something like that might make your time at the graduation a better day for you?”</p>
<p>Thanks all. I am checking into the arena arrangements today. </p>
<p>She already wears Depends, but won’t use them outright in place of a bathroom trip. Part of our issues is that she has set notions about things and gets very upset at any deviation, evey if there is a logical reason for it. For instance, she is good about taking her medicines, but is very ritualistic about it, almost obsessive compulsive. I give her shots for anemia, and if I have to give her one earlier in the day because I’m going to be out, she gets worried and worked up about it.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of the excellent suggestions. Not related to this, but I liked the idea of maybe getting someone to visit with her on a regular basis. We are not home much, she is alone much of the time.</p>
<p>This, this, this. At my brother’s college graduation, my incredible husband shepherded my mom and her walker around. It was a real blessing to us all not to have to miss anything, and to be able to take my mom out of the heat and put her in an air conditioned car when she got too tired.</p>
<p>There are lots of great caretakers for hire out there. When my parents divorced and my mom was living by herself and unable to drive anymore, I found a great caretaker to help take her to doctors’ appointments since I was living half a continent away at the time. They’re still great friends and keep in touch, even though she’s in assisted living and requires 24-hour caretakers now.</p>
<p>We have the same issue with H’s parents. I found out that we will have enough tickets (if the weather is good since it is held outside). The seating is in the bleachers at the football field - not sure if there is even a ramp. My in-laws would have such a hard time sitting there for two hours, even if MIL can get up the stairs. I didn’t even think of the bathroom issue.</p>
<p>I don’t want to leave them out - they would get insulted since my parents will be there (much younger). H said that it would be too hard and we will just include them in the dinner afterwards. They may get insulted anyway, but I just don’t see how they can be at the graduation itself. They just don’t realize, sometimes, how disabled they are at this point – and then it becomes a huge hardship for whoever is with them. Sometimes, that’s totally acceptable for family (depending on the relationship). I think I would do it for my parents; H not willing for his (although they really are in bad condition and I don’t blame him one bit).</p>
<p>Linymom - I agree, part of it is my mom’s refusal to accept her limitations and not realizing the hardship it causes for others. I think in my case it is partly a personality thing too. If it had been my father, he would have been calm about things and go along with whatever arragements we made.</p>
<p>With my mother though, in addition to the logistics, it will be about catering to her needs.</p>
<p>In the beach example I gave earlier, I had tried taking her once with my girls in spite of my better judgement. I could not go to the state park we usually go to, since she could not make the walk to the beach. I ended up parking along a boardwalk area, got her situated on a bench, and set up down on the beach with my daughters. Unfortunately, I had not been able to park too close to a public restroom. So just as I got the girls unpacked, she is yelling down that she needs to use a bathroom. I couldn’t leave the girls, so I went to get them out of the water. Meanwhile, she went toddling off to harangue some shopkeepers, none of who had a public bathroom. I got the girls and we went looking for grandma. So when we found her, she was all huffy like we had abandoned her, and said no one cares about her. I ended up blowing my top, saying I didn’t really think I could manage to bring her like this any more. She proceeded to say she was ‘being good’, and she wished she were dead.</p>
<p>So, I need to make sure I can deal with her at graduation ok, I don’t want the day ruined.</p>
<p>Same situation with my parents at my D’s graduation. The stadium is always packed—seeing the graduate is difficult—hearing her name called is fleeting----and I was in charge of Grad Night for 650 kids immediately after graduation–soooooo…grandma and grandpa stayed home. They loved the photos and party the next night! My dad was a high school principal for 20 years…so both of them new very well what they were missing. Life goes on!</p>
<p>Your description of your mother could have been the description of my mother - uses a walker, hard of hearing, on Lasix, signs of dementia, doesn’t like straying from routine (part of dementia). Whenever these circumstances came up I went to the local medical supply store and rented a wheelchair for the day. Very inexpensive and solves a lot of problems.
But, don’t feel guilty about leaving her out of the ceremony (tell her there are not enough tickets available). She’ll probably enjoy the pictures and party more anyway.</p>