It’s only my second week at college, but already I feel like I should be worried. I’ve been going out and meeting people, doing all the same stuff everyone else is doing, but I just can’t find anybody to do anything with. I feel like I’m being left in the dust while everybody else is off doing stuff. I’ve definitely made friends, and I get along well with the girls in my dorm, but there’s a clear divide between us and I’m on the other side. Sometimes I’m having a really really great day, but then as soon as I’m not with people I crash, because they’re all off doing things and I’m not.
I know people are like “nobody stays with the groups they make the first couple weeks! everyone finds different people!” but I’m worried because I haven’t even found that initial group yet. I’ve been to a million club meetings, I introduce myself to people, I do everything everyone says to do, so it’s not that. I’m just worried. Does it get better? Do the feelings of like loneliness and awkwardness dissipate?
Thanks.
You probably didn’t make your friends back home in a week, either – it takes time to get to know people. Hang in there.
I understand that feeling you’re describing (where you can sense a divide you can’t seem to bridge), and I’ll just echo that you probably need to give it more time. It takes some people more time than others to find their place in various social groups, and right now, everything is so confusing and fluid (for everyone). It sounds like you’re putting in solid effort, which is great…you owe it to yourself to do so. I’m sure you’ll meet a few people you really sync with, and that will make a big difference. Stick with it! I promise others are feeling the same.
It gets better:)
Take a look at this link:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/1808143-having-trouble-adjusting-to-college-making-friends-top-10-things-to-do.html#latest
This is a very common feeling among freshmen and many students take awhile to get used to their new surroundings. There are probably a lot of kids who seem well adjusted but are feeling the same way that you are. Hang in there and know that this is part of your experience and it gives you the opportunity to grow in a new way, even though it is difficult in the moment. Your RA might be able to offer suggestions. Have you joined groups–theater, Greek life, etc…?
Hang in there. I think you are doing a great job if you are joining clubs and putting yourself out there. Keep smiling, talking, leaving your door open, getting involved and you will make the connections you desire.
I have only one other thing to add…because of technology I think today’s youth have a hard time with alone time. Kids today are always plugged in and always connected to others via social media, texting, snapchat etc. Because of this, I think people have a hard time being alone. I think many have not learned the skill of being alone for any amount of time. Remember, some amount of time alone is normal. You can’t possibly with others every second of the day.
It’s the second week of college, so the academic work should be kicking in. You’re going to be spending a great deal of time studying (in fact, you should be starting to do that now). I think this will help decrease your feeling that everyone else is doing social things while you’re not. A lot of the time, none of you will be doing social things. You’ll be working on academic assignments. If that’s what you’re doing (and you should be, a lot of the time), you will have a lot of company.
For some people, the hardest part of college is the very beginning – the orientation/registration period when there’s no academic work to do. You can feel like you should be doing something social at all times. But that’s not real college. That’s camp. Real college has a different feeling, where you may find yourself struggling to find time for social activities around your more important obligations.
Your post is exactly what my daughter’s texts to me a week ago after her first week of college, and she said her two good friends at their respective college also felt the same. So you may feel alone, but you are not alone in a sense that thousands upon thousands freshman across the country are face the same feelings as you are. After a shopping outing and a dinner with new friends, plus a lunch with upperclassladies to get advice on campus fellowship and sorority, I haven’t hear she complain about her loneliness since. If you don’t dwell on the feeling and continue on what you do to meet new people and make connection, soon you will be better.
It will definitely get better if you keep doing the things you are doing. It’s perfectly ok if you haven’t found your initial group. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll just gradually find the group you’re meant to be with. In addition to being friendly and joining clubs, ask people for their numbers and then text to ask various people to meet up for lunch or dinner. You’ll have to meet a lot of people to find the ones with whom you really click. However, it’s good to keep an open mind because some people you may not click with initially may turn out to be great friends to you. I also agree with the above comment that it is good to learn how to be alone. Being alone and even feeling lonely is where we do some of our best growing and learning about ourselves. You will learn how strong you are! You can do it and will be happy in the end that you persevered!
Just wanted to add: you’re not a loser just because you’re alone. Everyone needs alone time, even hard core extraverts. Just do the things you enjoy and eventually, you’ll keep running into the same people doing those things, and those people will become your friends. In the meantime, it’s okay to be awkward. Remember, loneliness isn’t a pathology!
DO NOT WORRY. It is far too soon to do so and if you take worry out of the equation you will relax and enjoy your current situation more. Let your social life flow naturally- do not try hard. It takes time to meet the people you will spend most of your time with. You are being bombarded with new experiences. It takes time to settle into the rhythm of the college experience. Concentrate on the main reason you are where you are- the academics. People in your classes have similar interests. They, too, are figuring things out. “When the dust settles” , ie freshmen settle into routines, you and the others will discover each other.
You do not know 100% of anyone else’s life. You only see them busy and not alone like you. As others state, learn to value that down time. Remember to study. An easy way to flunk out is to feel you have to be on the go all of the time.
Dare to be yourself and like you. Rise above the crowd. Consider this- are others fighting loneliness with hyperactivity? So many things to think about. DO NOT OVERTHINK THIS.
Time is needed. Put your concerns out of your mind for the month of September and reexamine them in October.
This is extremely common. It’s so hard to forge real connections with someone in a week. But this is a great time because your window is open to initiate all kinds of conversations with people in your classes. What else are you taking? Do you know anything about this professor? Where are you from? Do you know what you’re majoring in yet? Have any clubs looked interesting to you? Honestly, if you’ve made friends already, you’re ahead of the game compared to a lot of people. The goal now is to just solidify those connections, which really only happens with time. It’s so funny because when I first got to college, I somehow ended up spending a lot of time with this group of three other girls. I felt like they were all really close and similar, and I was clearly on the outskirts, the odd one out in the group. I graduated two years ago but recently mentioned my feelings to the girl who struck me as the ringleader of the foursome, and she said she felt the exact same way at the time! I don’t want to imply everyone is just faking it, but definitely don’t believe that everyone else is up until 3am having heart-to-hearts with their new deepest best friends forever. It’s the beginning of the process for everyone.
I’ll chime in there with hang in there and you are not a loser if you do things alone. Keep trying though without being needy or over doing it. I’ve always found that the coolest people are the ones with a solid self-confidence even if it is based on absolutely nothing other than they are very comfortable in their own skin. That is a skill that can be learned. But, keep going to clubs and eating lunch with others and going to sports events and joining SGA or whatever.