So, my son is in his second semester at the university that he transferred to. For the first two years of college, he attended a small community college near home because he received a full scholarship to attend. Now, he attends a big state university with 48,000+ students. Through the few months he has been there, he has been absolutely miserable. His grades have been good, but he has been SO LONELY socially. His weekdays have been not-so-bad, but he says weekends are the toughest because he just stays in his dorm for the entire weekend. He says that he has joined the school clubs and has made some acquintances but no close friends who he can grab lunch with. His roommates, while genuinely nice people, don’t include my son in any of their activities because they are completely different personality wise. Even his RA has brushed him off. I have heard people say that most upperclassmen in college form their own cliques and are generally not open to making any more friends after their freshman year. In the end, I think my son thinks that he is a “misfit”. Thank goodness my son is a junior and only has a semester and a half left until graduation. My son has been an introvert since birth and it is really hard for him to make new friends because he is so shy. The worst part is that his school is a one day drive away, so my husband and I can’t visit him frequently. I think he has been suffering a little from depression, because his weight has been fluctuating a lot recently. I am really worried about him, but I am really lost as to how I can help him.
There are probably other transfer students at the school in the same boat. Does the campus offer support services or social events for transfers?
Also, could he find an on-campus (or near campus) job on weekends? Besides distracting him, he might meet and become close to other students who are, by chance-or-choice, also not into the school social scene.
I hope someone can weigh in on your fear that he may be dealing with depression.
Can he look to his major group? My Jr D has been in the same college all along, but this year she started knowing her fellow majors in a whole new way. I don’t know what his major is, but as he gets into upper level classes they get more concentrated (fewer cross-registered people from other areas / mostly other upper-level students). If he’s really introverted he may find it hard, but approaching people about study groups- ‘hey are you interested in studying together for the mid-term’ can be a good way in.
I agree with Otterma that he should participate in all of the activities that are set up for transfer students. If he missed them when he first arrived, he should investigate the transfer activities this semester, and he can think about volunteering to help organize the activities next year. Happykid also was a CC to state U transfer, and met the other transfers for her major at the transfer orientation. They still are close friends.
Does he have a job on campus? When I attended a big state U, I worked in the library and got to know all the other students who were also shelving books and working in the reserve room and at the circulation desk.
If he’s feeling a bit depressed, you should encourage him to visit the counseling center. They’ve met students just like him before, and should have good ideas for ways for him to become more settled.
" I think he has been suffering a little from depression, because his weight has been fluctuating a lot recently. I am really worried about him, but I am really lost as to how I can help him."
This is a HUGE RED FLAG. Do NOT ignore your fear. You should contact the dean and let him know of your concerns about your DS - the loneliness, the weight loss, the signs of depression and that the RA brushed him off.
people who are suffering from depression often dont eat as often as they should, which makes him weaker and less energetic, which can deepen the depression. It can be a vicious circle and is something you should NOT ignore. He needs to go the counseling center and soon.
I would suggest that he go to the counseling center at the school for one.
Other ideas such as joining groups for transfer students, getting more involved in clubs etc. are important as well.
In addition to the counseling center, have him apply for a campus job. He will make immediate friends and will always have a subject to discuss.
I second a job. It is an immediate group of people with the same focus. Not a library job, but at a pizza place, or at the rec center, or at the student union or bookstore.
At a big school, not many upperclassmen live in dorms. The dorm may not be the answer.
Truth is that sometimes you don’t find people you can particularly care for within your social circle, especially at a large university of tens of thousands of people which tends to lead to a highly impersonal atmosphere. It sucks and it feels lonely but it can happen.
It doesn’t sound like he hasn’t tried. He has roommates, he joined clubs and made acquaintances, but he just hasn’t found any group to which he belongs. Maybe he’s selective about who he chooses to spend time with, or maybe he really does need attention but doesn’t know how to get people to offer it.
My recommendation is really rather simple: do things that seem like they are worth doing, without any specific goal of trying to meet new people. The idea of going to clubs or getting jobs to find immediate friends tends to work for people that are capable of instantly making friends, a quality that is seldom found among introverts. It’s a lot easier for an introvert to make friends simply by doing activities that are worth doing without specifically looking for friends (or a relationship for that matter). I personally found that meaningful people tend to be found in meaningful places.
A job is a specific suggestion for an activity worth doing. My reason for suggesting it was to give the young man a distraction and time away from the dorm on weekends (I remember how dreary that was).
My memories of college are that worthwhile activities of the non-paid variety were highly social and often exclusionary. They scared the willies out of me so I guess I was projecting that OP’s son would feel the same way. I found that a job had the advantage of being impersonal if I wanted it to be, a big advantage for an introvert, but the kids who worked at the restaurants around campus were friendly, unpretentious, and accepting. They kept me sane until I grew into the natural social groups in my major.
A job might work, it might not. Student jobs aren’t for everyone, and that jobs have their own social circle that not everyone belongs to. It does have an advantage in the sense that people actually do something there and that some jobs exist to actually fulfill a purpose. They might not be very interesting though.
One example of a student job I had that didn’t go well was working in an engineering career center. Rather than being populated by people of the practical variety, it was populated by the chatty business type, and the job essentially involved being chatty and giving low-quality advice to clueless youngsters by those who were not qualified to advise engineering students. Hating a student job is a pretty unpleasant experience, so YMMV.
A job, volunteer community service, religious organizations (if applicable) and working out in the gym can all help provide distractions and the chance to interact with new people. Encourage your son to study and do homework in the library and read in pubic spaces, making eye contact with people who pass by. I know this can be hard but anything to get him out of his room will be helpful. A walk in the sunshine will help boost his mood. Send a care package of healthy snacks like a trail mix of dark chocolate, walnuts and seeds.
If your gut tells you this is serious, make a visit happen!
Not everyone acquires friends in college. It is harder for introverts, especially when those they may most enjoy “hanging out” with are likely to be similar in personality and not looking for people to do things with. It could also be that the major he is drawn to has like minded people who do not pursue friendships. His best bet is to take the initiative as others have stated. He has to go out of his comfort zone and actively try to talk to others in classes and other places. It make take many more attempts then he expects. Trying to discuss a topic in one of the advanced classes in his major may work. Any discussions et al for those in his major is useful.
My college friends (in my major) and I did not do much compared to most in college- they’re introverts and weren’t into much. I don’t think introverted son did a lot with others although he did live with several other guys his junior year. he then lived by himself.
Are there dorms with particular themes that might interest your S? A language/culture dorm? One that members share cooking responsibilities and chores? Or try a class that teaches a skill that he needs to practice with someone else in the class - tennis, conditioning, soccer.
Also encourage him to form study groups in his classes.
Did he go to an orientation for transfer students?
But definitely have him go to Counseling center to evaluate for depression and may have programs for people like him.
A lot of these suggestions are implicitly extroverted and that’s part of the problem. While standard (non-spectrum) introverts do like to have interactions with others, the problem for them is that they tend to be a lot more selective in who they choose to interact with. That is the vibe I’m getting here, judging from “he makes acquaintances but doesn’t really connect with them on a deeper level.”
This tends to make any of those “excuses to meet people” useless. Job? Could be a useless one that is just some university “jobs program” without any real purpose. Study groups? Why study in a group if you’re better at studying alone? Orientation? Pointless social activity with random people you don’t particularly care for. Topical dorms? Childish games by overgrown children. In my experience, introversion among the neurotypical is just another word for selectivity.
That’s why you have to focus on what actually seems worth doing rather than on meeting people to curb loneliness. For an introvert, the average person isn’t worth meeting. Acting contrary to your nature is a quick path to depression.
Good post # 15. Back when son was a child I was involved in a parents gifted and talented committee for our local school district. There were a few annual seminar days I attended plus the GT coordinator’s info as info became available. Learned a lot about differentiating giftedness from ADD/ADHD, introversion and extroversion along the way. One problem for introverts is that 75% of the population is extroverted (remember there is a range- it’s not an absolute)- btw, 75% of the highly gifted are introverted. Therefore introverts are a minority that most people don’t understand since it is different than their ways of normally dealing with the world. Wish I had known all of this when kid was little- would have helped our mother-son interactions. No wonder he didn’t want to tell me about his day when he got home and various of other personality clashes.
Regardless of personality type an effort is required to meet like minded people. His best bet is in classes in his major since he has more in common with them and they all should share an enthusiasm for the field. My college friends were in my major and at least as smart as I was. Not many women in sciences back in my day. Was lucky medical schools were (finally) increasing numbers of women- there were several among the 20 of us (today there would be 4-5 times as many) to be close friends with, of differing views and personalities.
But @NeoDymium, according to the OP the student is wanting more interaction with people and is feeling lonely. Are you perhaps speaking from your own experience? I have seen all of the above work for very introverted souls (different ones for different people in different situations, of course).
In a way, when we generalize we are talking about ourselves. But it’s not only from my own experience - I’ve known enough introverts (and extroverts) to see a pattern.
As I did mention, it’s not that introverts don’t want to have interaction with people - that is a quality more associated with autism (“the spectrum”) than with standard introversion. The difference is in how selective they are in who they choose to make friends with.
None of the activities I mentioned are bad, though in trying to prove a point I did make them sound less meaningful than they generally are. My point was simply that introverts tend to respond poorly to activities that are basically just an excuse to “meet people” because they will feel like they’re wasting their time and will seldom meet the kind of people that they are looking for through that kind of social interaction.
I think post # 15 is pointing out many of the suggestions are for extroverted lifestyles. Just meeting plenty of people does not mean meeting people who want to socialize in the same way. Going to parties and activities where the interactions are more stressful than enjoyable is not a solution. It is a matter of finding those who understand how he operates and prefer that- harder to do when so many don’t think like introverts do. One main characteristic is that extroverts get energized with interactions while introverts need down time to recharge. Also- introverts tend to carefully edit before speaking and remember everything as important while we extroverts think and talk at the same time without worrying about what we said. Making mistakes and quickly moving on is more my forte.
So on that note- it just occurred to me that the OP’s son may benefit from reading some books et al on the introversion/extroversion spectrum to learn what makes others tick. It could help him relate to the majority while understanding his own comfort zone. He is living in an extroverted world and knowing how to reconcile his needs with being social may help.