<p>It is somewhat complicated and it is somewhat of a mess.</p>
<p>However the only question that actually matters here is the message you send to your daughter in how you handle it.</p>
<p>While I would not call her a spoiled brat, just a normal human being who doesn’t want to miss out, I would NOT allow her to switch from the Disney and camp plans to the NYC plan. Why?</p>
<p>NOW is the time for her to learn which values are most important in life. The drama queen statements of “once in a lifetime opportunity” and “all the kids will be talking about it for their whole lives and I’ll be left out” are not to be encouraged. The loyalty to plans with friends; the realization that once you’ve made commitments, there still may be things that come up which tempt you but that you cannot always have it all - these are things you need to reinforce with her now.</p>
<p>I am never impressed with these “I"ll meet kids from other countries” arguments - often made by both parents and students to justify megabucks sports/dance trips. She is 13 or 14 years old. If meeting kids from other countries is important to her, she will have ample opportunity to do that.</p>
<p>Making a commitment to attend someone’s party or go to the movies is not the same thing as planning to go on a trip, which YOU must pay for, with your dance studio. It’s the same dance studio that is arranging the trip to NY so I’m not sure I see where the issue of standing by your commitments comes in here. It is the studio which has offered her the alternative opportunity. If you’re all referring to the friend who was invited along, the OP is certainly capable of inviting her to go to NY instead. While I agree that there are certainly circumstances where it’s a valued lesson to stick by commitments, there also comes a point where individuals have to make decisions based on the information available at the time, and be flexible enough to realize at what point it makes more sense to possibly change their minds. Sticking to a ‘commitment’ when it’s not the best solution to a situation, simply because you feel that you’ve made a commitment, isn’t always wise.</p>
<p>I think the actual issue for the OP is to determine which opportunity is a better one for her D, and which one she’d rather spend her $$ on. It sounds to me, with the limited information we have, that the NY one would be, knowing what I know about these ‘performance’ opportunities at Disney World.</p>
<p>So it’s ok to say to the friend, who they thought enough to invite in the first place, that something better came up? What if her parents made other plans or declined other plans for this? Not very nice at all. It may be convenient to change the plans without regard for the other girl’s feelings, but it’s certainly not nice. Now, if the other girl would be thrilled to go to New York that would be a different story, but I’d be concerned that with all the other dancers along, it might be no fun for her. At the very least someone should communicate with her family as soon as possible so they don’t plan/decline things based on this.</p>
<p>I think several of these posts are mixing up the parameters here. These are not just social arrangements between the Disneyworld trip and the NYC trip. The OP’s D is part of a team. She is performing with the team in one place or the other. Her senior level team is now performing in NYC, which is a better performance opportunity for that team. The STUDIO changed the plans for the senior team’s performance plans. This happens all the time at the dance studios and with the competition dance scene. This studio director is not unusual. </p>
<p>The dancing D’s arguments as to why she wants to go to NYC with the team aren’t very well thought-out, but typical for her age. Yes, it’s unfortunate for her friend who was invited to Disneyworld, but she and her family will understand. The dance team’s plans have changed, and it’s reasonable that dancing D will now be going to the higher level competition with her team. I do think the OP and D should try to plan a special evening out or some sort of treat with the friend.</p>
<p>The whole Disneyworld/Disneyland performance thing is just about worthless, in my opinion. It’s very, very expensive, and really just an amusement park visit with a little group performance thrown in. The NYC trip has at least the potential of some educational value.</p>
<p>this sounds a lot like all the kids who “play” Carnegie Hall. The local piano teachers hol events there that no one except their relatives attend. Isn’t this kind of a scam getting parents to pay for their children to perform?</p>
<p>To clarify: the director didn’t just tell ME we weren’t going to Nationals (as other dance moms said - Worlds, Nationals, same thing, it’s a big summer competition). She told the whole studio - repeatedly. There are a couple of other families who had made vacation plans for that week who are looking at the similar problems to me, as well as families paying for Disney who said if they knew we might go to a competition in NYC they wouldn’t have committed to Disney. We danced at Disney 7 years ago, I know it’s not really a big performance opportunity. We really decided to go so D could have fun with her friend, after having a rough winter.</p>
<p>The friend coming to Disney is THRILLED about the trip. She’s a friend my daughter made last fall when D was going thru a hard time, and she’s the kind of true friend I’d like D to hold on to.</p>
<p>I had another thought after I went to bed last night. My in-laws live near NYC. We could keep the Disney trip, and go to NYC but instead of staying in the hotel we could stay with the inlaws - my mil would love it. Today I called the volleyball camp, they said they can give me a refund if I tell them definitely one way or the other by next Tuesday, she has another person who wants to come that she was about to reject because the camp is full.</p>
<p>So now I have to get the dance director to give me a straight answer - are we going to NYC or not? - before next Tuesday. I don’t want to cancel Vball camp if we’re not going to NYC. D played JV volleyball last year and LOVED it, and this camp is highly recommended by the varsity coach. The group of girls going to Vball camp are great kids and I’d like D to stay close to them as well. (There are 3 other girls going, Disney friend is one of them but not the one D was going to room with).</p>
<p>Sounds like you may have a good compromise. What if the director does not give you a solid answer by Tuesday; you should be prepared for another non-answer. Would you be willing to cancel the VB anyway and look for a “lesser” VB camp if the NYC trip falls through?</p>
<p>I should add that another reason I was so ticked is that I have heard the word “mandatory” tossed around in terms of the senior dance team and the NYC trip. Another thing that bugged me was that the director told the kids about the trip and how great it was and got them all riled up about it BEFORE she shared the info with the parents. And even then she just told the parents about the “wonderful news” so we could “mark off the dates” on the calendar because she admits she has no info on what the competition fees would be or the exact dates involved, other than sometime between July 12 and 18. This is a reputable organization whose competitions we attend regularly, but if we are being asked to rearrange our families’ summer plans I think we should have some hard numbers to base our decision on! </p>
<p>Chocoholic, you’re right. I"m probably going to get a “non-answer” on Tuesday and D will get to choose between definitely going to a great Vball camp with friends, or MAYBE going to NYC and staying at her grandmother’s and schlepping in and out of the city every day, for an undetermined number of days. Sounds like an easy choice to me, but it won’t be for her.</p>
<p>And many of you are right - at 15, D is really bad about wanting whatever happens to be dangling right in front of her face. If all this had happened the other way around, she’d be bemoaning having to miss Vball camp because she was committed to going to the dance competition!</p>
<p>I think I’m going to download a song for her: The Rolling Stones, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”</p>