Long complicated non-college mess - help me!

Parent Cafe
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<p>My 9th grade daughter attends a dance studio and belongs to their competition team. She’s been dancing at the studio for 11 years, competing for 8 years. I’ve never complained to their office until today.</p>

<p>Last summer, the studio director told us we would be doing local regional competitions this year (as we always do), but we would not be going to a nationals/championship this summer because we were going to dance at Disney instead. The Disney trip was optional. She repeated this message several times. She’s had a habit of changing plans at the last minute in the past, so in January I sent her an email asking if she was sure we were not going to a Nationals, since my daughter wanted to sign up for a week of Volleyball camp in mid-July which required a non-refundable deposit. The director wrote back that we were not going to Nationals, we were going to Disney at the end of June, and I should go ahead and sign her up for camp. So I did.</p>

<p>When it came time to sign up for Disney, I began to hear that a lot of my daughter’s friends in her dance team (she’s on the oldest/most advanced competition team in our studio) weren’t going. I was going to bail out too, but my daughter BEGGED me to go. We asked a non-dance friend if she’d like to come with us, and she was thrilled. I paid lots of money, only to find out later that my daughter was one of only two from her team going. But there are lots of kids from the younger teams going, so new routines will be learned for the Disney show. My daughter was excited to spend a week at Disney with her friend (and me, of course!)</p>

<p>Last week we got a notice home from the studio. The director got a call from a big-wig who is running a “world” dance championship this summer in NYC. (a 3 hour drive from us). We have been invited to come and be a part of the USA team, and compete against dancers from 31 other countries. This would entail $200/night hotel rooms, meals, competition fees, and buying a USA team warm-up. Of course, it is the SAME week in July that my daughter is supposed to go away to Volleyball camp. I have a $200 non-refundable deposit tied up in Vball camp (and my daughter has a friend she promised to room with), and the Disney trip will cost me nearly $3000. I can’t afford to go to both Disney and NYC, especially since my son is headed to an expensive LAC this fall. I told my daughter she cannot go to NYC.</p>

<p>Now my daughter is upset. This is a “once in a lifetime opportunity” to “meet kids from other countries.” They’ll be competing the routines she’s danced in all year. And worst, from a kid who cannot stand to be left out of anything, the other girls will come home and “for years afterward they’ll be talking about this trip and I won’t be a part of it.” She wants me to let her go to NYC with the director and stay with her, so we won’t have to pay for a room. She says her Volleyball roomamate is totally understanding about her backing out of Vball camp, and told her to go to NYC.</p>

<p>I went into the studio office and let them know how upset I am. I feel I have been lied to. We made plans based on assurances from the director, and now she has changed her story. They kept saying, “But she didn’t know we would get invited to this,” and I kept saying, “But she made a commitment to us, we made plans based on that commitment, and now she’s changed it.” I asked them to find out if we could get the money back from the Disney trip, because if we can get the Disney money I can afford to go to NYC. (But then my daughter would be letting down the friend who was supposed to come to Disney with us, as well as the Vball roommate). </p>

<p>Am I wrong to feel betrayed by the studio? Am I wrong to hope this whole thing falls apart and no one goes to NYC? Should I send my daughter to NYC with another dance family so I won’t have to pay the hotel? (which would mean she’d miss the Vball camp, losing the deposit and leaving the roommate in the lurch). I’d still have to pay for competition fees and food.</p>

<p>Is my daughter being a spoiled brat? After all, this summer she is going to Disney, and going on a family vacation (with the grandparents, not expensive), and going to TWO volleyball camps (one sleep-away, one local day camp). Her plans are exactly the same as they were a week ago, when she was thrilled, but now that something “better” has been dangled in front of her she’s upset and disappointed.</p>

<p>Am I being inflexible? This “great opportunity” came up unexpectedly, should I try to make it work? Or is it time to put my foot down and tell my daughter she can’t have everything she wants, and it’s not my fault if the director has changed plans after our financial commitments were made based on her earlier statements?</p>

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<p>I know this is annoying, since you made plans based on what the director said, but you did say she was unpredictable. And if a wonderful opportunity came up in NYC, why would the director turn it down, based on what she had said to you. It would not even figure into her decision.</p>

<p>Besides, your D wanted to go to Disney, regardless of whether any of her dance friends were going. And she begged, right? Now she wants to go to NYC, BECAUSE all her friends are going.</p>

<p>If it were as simple as getting your money back from Disney and going to NYC, sure, why not. But since it involves a friend for Volleyball camp, and the other friend for the Disney-trip, I would say no to my child.</p>

<p>This kind of stuff happens. It is called ‘LIFE’. I don’t believe that the director made a commitment to you. In any case, she told you that they were not going to Nationals, and as you describe it, they are still not going to Nationals, but to a different competition instead.</p>

<p>Ofcourse it is easy for me to sit here at my keyboard, with no whining teen in the room, and tell you what i would do.</p>

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<p>Hi Momneedsadvice: Boy, can I relate. My D was also on a competition dance team in 7th-9th grades, and she went to several out-of-town competitions (not at the national level though). Her studio also went to Disneyland to perform–twice! </p>

<p>We found the Disney performance thing rather lame. Not many people watch the performance except the parents of the kids performing. I felt it was just a way to get groups to come to Disneyland. I think you could give that up easily and perhaps do something nice one evening with the invited friend to make up for the change in plans.</p>

<p>I would let my D do the NYC trip, even though plans changed, if I could afford it. It’s awkward when you are on a team if you can’t do the event the group is doing (difficult for the choreography too). It isn’t your D’s fault that the director changed her mind, and now your D wants to be with her team. I think it’s fine to send her with the director or with another dance family–I did that both times with my D for Disneyland.</p>

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<p>Our family policy: we are committed to whatever makes it to the calendar first, within reason. Of course, we cancel for illness and deaths in the family.</p>

<p>This policy has served us well over the years. We placed school events and sports competitions on our calendar as soon as the schedule was handed out. Conflicting birthday parties got missed. Usually school events made it to the calendar in September. But,we held fast to our policy for son’s committment to a Little League game when the school changed the date of the spring concert.</p>

<p>I vote for honoring the non refundable deposit and roommate committment.</p>

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<p>I would be really mad…regardless of what kind of competition this is, the dance person made promises </p>

<p>I smell something fishy here to be honest, “suddenly” this invitation came up, for something that requires a whole lot of organization and coordination and plan changes and $$ by a whole lot of people</p>

<p>I would check out this competition very carefully…why the last minute invitation? is it really that amazing?</p>

<p>Well you have to keep the commitment for Disney Land, as for the rest, I need to think about it</p>

<p>It could be a great experience, but then sometimes life works out funny </p>

<p>Both my Ds have “missed” out somethings because of prior commitments, and they survived</p>

<p>I don’t blame you for wanting the whole thing to fall apart, I would too…and I would be furious at the school </p>

<p>I don’t really have an issue with missing the volleyball camp, it is a camp, and the roommate will be plenty busy, BUT I would have my D work to get back the $200 and she would have to earn some $$ for expenses for NYC- even if it was doing extra (and I mean extra) stuff around the house, or babysitting, etc…</p>

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<p>The other option is to have a different, less expensive trip instead of DisneyLand with the friend…or change the Disney trip to one that isn’t attached to dancing, for fewer days, cheaper hotels, etc. If you aren’t dancing and committed to that, then you can focus on disney the whole time, and get out quicker, or find another park closer and change flights…</p>

<p>good luck@@</p>

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<p>Imagining myself as the director, I can understand her desire to attend this competition in New York. She has to think about the studio as a whole. Therefore, she could not be expected, imho, to turn down any and all opportunities for her studio in July simply because of her statement to one parent in January. The fact that so many of the kids are going to New York shows that many other parents support her decision. </p>

<p>So, I think it would be unwise to take the situation personally. The director told you the truth as she understood it at the time. She could not be understood as binding herself by that one statement, to the point of being required to decline an unexpected opportunity that seems to be reasonably and generally regarded as beneficial to her studio.</p>

<p>I do regret the problem that you now face. All I can say is to try to discern what is now best for your family in the new and unexpected situation. Which is more important to your daughter, dance or volleyball? If dance, if dance is very important to her, then I’d really try to find a way for her to go to New York with her studio. </p>

<p>The $200 for the volleyball camp is unfortunate, but imho small in the overall picture. The friend will be fine at volleyball camp. </p>

<p>You could consider pursuing the idea of asking the studio to help you get out of the Disney trip without incurring a huge financial loss. Given the fact that your studio is sending a contingent to Disney, and given the change in circumstances, I think an accommodation there would be reasonable to at least request. But you would have to think carefully about the Disney friend. It may be that you just can’t disappoint that person. </p>

<p>The idea of staying with the director or another family in New York sounds good too. Perhaps that would help make both New York and Disney affordable. Think about ways that DD can earn money or cut expenses, and insist that she contribute as best she can to the cost of her travels. </p>

<p>So, I’d really try to help DD get to New York. If, after seriously trying, you just can’t swing it or afford it, well, that is unfortunate. Then explain it to your daughter as best and kindly as you can, and tell her gently that life still goes on.</p>

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<p>What about using the money you had already planned on spending for sleepaway volleyball camp? Couldn’t those funds (except the $200 deposit) be applied to the New York trip?</p>

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<p>Dance mom here – my daughter danced with a competitive studio from age 4, attended first dance competition at age 5… </p>

<p>Here’s my opinion & response to your questions:</p>

<p>Am I wrong to feel betrayed by the studio? Yes. There is no way they could have known that the invitation would come up – and for the good of the studio as a whole (the girls who can come) - it makes sense for the studio head to take up the offer. </p>

<p>Last year my daughter’s dance class was invited to go to participate at in international arts festival in China, with only 4 weeks advance notice. The reason that the invitation came so late is that another group was scheduled to go, but their dance teacher had a family emergency and pulled them out at the last minute. My daughter was one of only 5 students from a class of about 15 who could go on such short notice – obviously, the task of coming up with the funds and getting passports was too daunting for others, and some had other plans. I’m sure those who couldn’t go were disappointed, but it wasn’t the dance teacher’s fault for not anticipating something that had never happened before. I’m very grateful that she told her students about the invitation, and let the decision be made be the parents. </p>

<p>(Citygirlsmom is mistaken about things being “fishy” - these things do come up at the last minute in the dance world. Chances are that that enrollment at the NY competition is down, so they are trying to drum up more attendance and more competition fees. Keep in mind that most of these dance competitions are run by for-profit companies)</p>

<p>Am I wrong to hope this whole thing falls apart and no one goes to NYC? Yes, that’s kind of selfish on your part. Though we all understand the impulse. :wink: </p>

<p>Should I send my daughter to NYC with another dance family so I won’t have to pay the hotel? (which would mean she’d miss the Vball camp, losing the deposit and leaving the roommate in the lurch). In my family the answer would be no: if one commitment has already been made, we stick to it. I suppose there could be extreme circumstances, but I don’t feel like a dance competition in a nearby city outweighs a week of camp. I don’t care how they label it (“world champion”, etc.) – these dance competitions really aren’t taken very seriously in the dance world – you go, you get a trophy, you come home - and that’s it. In any case, there will be other competitions in the future. </p>

<p>Is my daughter being a spoiled brat? After all, this summer she is going to Disney, and going on a family vacation (with the grandparents, not expensive), and going to TWO volleyball camps (one sleep-away, one local day camp). Yes, she is – though the fact that she is a 9th grader means she is at the age when they pretty much all are spoiled brats. I mean, ages 14-15 are pretty much a rehash of the terrible twos, with tantrums replaced by begging and whining – which is why good parenting means standing your ground. </p>

<p>Am I being inflexible? Well, you are not being fair to the dance studio – but as to your daughter, I think that this is one of those times to say no. I think that you are already seeing some of the negative consequences of giving in to your daughter’s begging about Disneyland – and if you would like to see your daughter grow out of the “spoiled brat at 15” phase into a mature and respectful 18 year old, saying “no” and sticking to your guns is part of that lesson. </p>

<p>This “great opportunity” came up unexpectedly, should I try to make it work? It’s a dance competition - no different than the nationals you’ve attended in past summers. Just a different set of judges and a different crowd coming. </p>

<p>Or is it time to put my foot down and tell my daughter she can’t have everything she wants, and it’s not my fault if the director has changed plans after our financial commitments were made based on her earlier statements? Put your foot down. Your d. will get over it.</p>

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<p>Well said, calmom! Our D & S know “life doesn’t come on a silver platter” – they can’t always get what they want, and yes, there are plenty of disappointments along the way. As a competitive gymnast for 10 years, my D missed plenty of events that came up after we had committed to and paid for meets. </p>

<p>Momneedsadvice – In spite of your (and your D’s) anger and disappointment, when things calm down a little, I don’t believe you will truly feel the director lied to you. She told you the truth, based on what she knew at the time. Besides, the team isn’t going to nationals. And, as others have said, your D will definately get over it – perhaps even quicker than you!</p>

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<p>A week in Disney is definitely not for the faint of heart!</p>

<p>The competition in NYC seems as though it stands to be a lot more enriching than the trip to Disney.</p>

<p>Plans change – the friends will understand and I’m sure you/your daughter will make it up to them somehow.</p>

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<p>I’m SO glad my kids don’t do dance competitions anymore! The expense, the drama, the politics, the decisions! That being said, my s and d learned invaluable skills in negotiating, compromise, budgeting of time and money, managing frustrations, and appreciating the contributions of falible teachers. Take a deep breath; there is not a perfect answer. It’s just another opportunity to talk about goals, choices, values, and how to make really hard decisions.</p>

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<p>“Plans change – the friends will understand and I’m sure you/your daughter will make it up to them somehow.”</p>

<p>What is the story with the Disney friend? Is this just a cool, nice thing to her or is it a big deal? I think you need to factor her feelings in very carefully and, since you invited her, make her situation a little more important than just blowing it off. Personally, I think your daughter should forego New York because, as someone else posted, it’s a nice experience but not particularly important, and keep her commitment to Disney. Perhaps in future you shouldn’t include other people in plans that might change.</p>

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<p>I don’t think a change of plans should necessarily constitute “blowing” off the friend’s feelings. If the daughter is OK with not going to Disney and going to NYC instead, why should the friend’s “feelings” be more important than the daughter’s? I’m sure there will be other opportunities to include the friend in future plans and she should know that. Also, the daughter might not enjoy the Disney trip as much knowing that she’d rather be going on the NYC trip. I’d leave it up to the daughter and have her make a choice. Maybe the friend could go to NYC, too.</p>

<p>A week in Disney would be too long for my sanity…</p>

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<p>“If the daughter is OK with not going to Disney and going to NYC instead, why should the friend’s “feelings” be more important than the daughter’s”</p>

<p>Because they invited her. If it’s not a big deal for her, then it would be fine to cancel, but if she has her heart set on this I think it would be incredibly rude and unkind to cancel the trip. At the very least, she or her parents should be spoken to. What if that family made plans or other arrangements based upon the representations of this family? I guess what I’m saying is that once she was invited and plans were firmed up, she should be considered before cancelling. Maybe it’s just me, though, but I would never invite anyone outside my family to a big trip because I wouldn’t want to be obligated if something came up.</p>

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<p>Am I wrong to feel betrayed by the studio? </p>

<p>Betrayed? Maybe disappointed. You would be betrayed if the studio was mandating your daughter to go to NYC, forcing you into an untenable financial situation. The studio is giving you the option of going or not. I can see how heartbreaking your situation is, but betrayal is too strong of a word.</p>

<p>Am I wrong to hope this whole thing falls apart and no one goes to NYC?</p>

<p>I’ll give you an analogy. My son pitched against a very good team once and got shellacked. Am I wrong to hope the other pitcher on his team gets shellacked at his next game? Your hoping something bad happens to other people who are very excited and happy to do something wonderful because something bad happened to you?</p>

<p>Should I send my daughter to NYC with another dance family so I won’t have to pay the hotel? (which would mean she’d miss the Vball camp, losing the deposit and leaving the roommate in the lurch). If it’s OK with another family, I don’t see any problem with this. There’s probably someone out there right now who would be more than happy to let your daughter stay with them in their room. I would, if it were a teammate of my son’s. I’d ask around, explain the situation, and see if someone will help your daughter out. The part about the v-ball camp…that’s a little touchier. Is it going to bother her friend who is going? Will it affect their friendship? To me, this is the crux of your problem, not the studio’s betrayal.</p>

<p>Is your daughter a brat? Absolutely not. You have a very heartwrenching situation on your hands. The perfect storm of summer activity juggling. If you can’t get your money back for the Disney trip, I’d go and enjoy it. If it doesn’t really matter about the v-ball camp, and you can get your daughter into the NYC thing, I’d do it.</p>

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<p>Difficult situation but my advice would be to see if you can get out of the Disney trip. We know LOTS of kids who have gone on these dance/band/music trips to Disney to “perform” and they are absolutely not worth it. As someone else said, the performance is usually viewed only by the parents and teachers along on the trip, and has no more ‘value’ than performing in their home gym/studio/theatre. </p>

<p>If you can get your money back, I’d go to NY, even though, as has been said, this is probably one of those myriad of similar opportunities in the dance world and not some huge international honor. Take the friend with you and, no doubt, you’ll all have a great time. I know that all four of my Ds would, at that age and at any age other than maybe 9 or 10!, have chosen a trip to NY over Disney anyday. Good luck finding a solution. :)</p>

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<p>I agree with VAmom and Calmom - If you have made a committment, you stick with it. Much easier in the long run for the whole family. I also think weight should be given to the friend who is probably excited about a trip to DisneyWorld. I can’t imagine breaking that promise by saying that a better offer came up.</p>

<p>Note: OP said that NYC was three hours from her, hence my guess that the Disney is Disneyworld and not Disneyland. Dance groups from my area often go to Disneyworld every other year.</p>

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<p>My D has had invitations extended to her after she accepted a different one. The second invite was more fun, but sorry, once you accept one friend’s party, you are committed.</p>

<p>Just last week her best friend invited her to go to the movies. D was all dressed and waiting outside the door, when the mom called, “Sorry, N’s room was really messy and she spoke rudely to me, so she is grounded, we can’t go to the movies today.” Wait, what? Sorry? How about punish her tomorrow, don’t punish my D today.</p>

<p>Look at it this way. Forget that NYC is even in the picture. Now that you have made plans for Disney, and made down payments, how would you feel if this other friend said “Sorry, I am going to Hawaii with another friend”.</p>

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<p>Ever hear the parable of the dog with a bone who sees him self in a puddle, thinks it is another dog, and drops & loses the bone?</p>

<p>Or what about a boy who asks a girl to a dance, he is happy, she is happy, but then a “better” offer comes along for one of them.
Should the first date then be canceled?</p>

<p>I have never taken any of my kids to Disneyland- just not what I am interested in- but I also would disagree that this other trip is a “once in a lifetime opportunity”, I get “opportunities” like that in the mail all the time for both my daughter and I, and usually they are a bunch of American kids who have all paid to attend some event held in a foreign country.</p>

<p>She is only in 9th grade, my guess is that there will be many more opportunities for travel before she graduates high school, let alone in college ( and after)</p>

<p>This is an opportunity for her to learn that you honor your committments and<br>
if you make plans and are happy with the plans you don’t 2nd guess them for something that you perceive is better.</p>