So my girlfriend just started going to college 4 hours away. We’ve been dating for 6 months and have an amazing relationship. She never really was the type to hangout in groups with other guys there at home, but now that she’s in college she seems a lot more open if a guy invites her to do something like play ping pong. I expressed this kind of bothers me and suggested maybe I hangout with girls to make it more fair and equal however she claims it’s not the same because although she never creates the moment to hangout with other guys, she definitely does more than just a conversation and if the opportunity arises will hangout with one. She views exchanging Instagrams as very casual. Now don’t get me wrong I want her to have fun, but I know how college guys are, and I think what really bothers me is just the fact that I can’t do anything similar? Am I being dramatic? Help.
The vast majority of high school relationships end when one or both of the students go to college, and most in the first semester. Thanksgiving is a common end point for the ones that make it that long. You probably know this, but you may not want to admit it, or you believe that your relationship will be different. The truth is that it likely will not.
Her hanging out with other guys may be completely casual. People in college can and do hang out all the time and do not necessarily hook up with each other. So you shouldn’t sit there worrying and then hounding her about it. But that is sort of besides the point. Whether she is hanging out with guys right now or not doesn’t change the probability that at some point she will likely want to have a more intimate relationship with someone at college and end yours. That’s just the way it is.
Parent here. Please do not try to control your GF from afar. And please don’t give her ultimatums (like you will hang out with girls).
You both need to live your young lives as they are now. If the relationship survives, fine. If not…that’s fine too.
This is all so normal and difficult feeling, especially since you two care about each other so much. The best path forward is for each of you not to hold on to the other quite so hard. That doesn’t mean to care less, but to give up the idea that you should or even can set rules on what the other does at college. You can’t do that (it’s just not practical or reasonable) and you don’t want to. You are not your girlfriend’s keeper and she is not yours. Where is the joy in it? You both need to be free to hang out with whoever you want to. Limiting who your girlfriend hangs out with (and vice versa) will not preserve the magic of your relationship. You might break up and you might not. But trying to limit interactions with people each of you might possibly be interested in will not be what determines that. Be as brave and open-hearted as you possibly can be. There is time.
You are just speeding up the probable outcome. I do know one couple who survived her going off to college, but not only had they been dating since 15, but he had to change himself. He started off jealous, that wasn’t working well. Eventually he chose to go to college as well (he was working construction with her dad), embraced the fact that she was away at college having new experiences. They’ve been together 40 years and are still one of the strongest couples I know.
Let it play out. If she wants to hang out or even date other men, that’s what’s going to happen. The more focused on it you are, the more likely she is to push you away.
Be cool, be confident in yourself. That’s way more attractive than hovering over her with expectations and ultimatums. Her life; your life.
As others said: if it’s meant to be it will be. If not, all the hand wringing and negotiations in the world won’t matter. You just wind up coming off as desperate (again not attractive). Let me be clear on this point: there is no combination of words or arguments that will allow you to control this situation. It’s just another human being doing what they want to do.
My oldest D had a serious HS relationship. It didn’t make it past first semester. She moved on, and I always thought he’d be the one to break them up.
This topic was automatically closed 180 days after the last reply. If you’d like to reply, please flag the thread for moderator attention.