Looking for advice from the parents

Parent Cafe
1

<p>First of all, I’m a 22 year old UG student studying Chemical Engineering. I am trying to think as rationally as possible here but sometimes it isn’t so easy when you are the person in the situation!</p>

<p>Anyways, I met a foreign student here and we have a very serious relationship. She could very well be the person I marry and we have talked about this stuff. The problem is , she goes back to her country this year. I have the opportunity to do a study abroad in her city for the year but the problem is that I want to graduate and I think by going to her country I would be tacking on extra time to graduate because I would not be able to take some summer classes and I would have prereq problems. So by going, I could be with her and still study my major, but the problem would be I wouldn’t be able to do everything the same way and it could cause issues with my graduation date. I understand how long distance relationships go so I kind of figure if I can’t go that will probably be the end of things, but she does plan to come back here for a masters and also live here.</p>

<p>Have any of you ever been in any sort of position similar to me and wish you did something differently? Even if not, what do you guys think about the situation?</p>

2

<p>Choosing a life partner and developing that relationship is at least as important as choosing your life work and pursuing that education and career. Both will affect you for the rest of your life.</p>

<p>If you have not traveled to her country and met her parents and family, this is an opportunity to do so, not just for a vacation but for a period of time that will enable you to understand her culture and her life. And this is important. </p>

<p>I would encourage you to sit with your academic advisor and see how your coursework could be arranged around your study abroad.</p>

3

<p>Your academia comes first…finish your school then make plans to be with her. She will wait if she loves you :)</p>

4

<p>Long distance relationships can be heart wrenching and we have all been there, but as stalkermama says “she will wait for you if she loves you.” Finish your school work and save, save, save to go and visit her over one of your breaks or spend the summer with her family AFTER you graduate. This way you both will be ready to start grad school at the same time.</p>

5

<p>“I understand how long distance relationships go so I kind of figure if I can’t go that will probably be the end of things,”</p>

<p>Two true long-distance relationship stories:</p>

<p>The grandmothers of A in the Navy and B in the Navy were friends. Grandma A told Grandaughter A that B had a position similar to hers but on a different ship. A began a correspondence with B, and eventually they did meet in person when they both were on land. They’ve been married for well over 30 years now, multiple children, happy and successful joint life both while still in service and after retiring from Navy life.</p>

<p>C and D met at a summer conference for college students. They corresponded for a year, and met again at the conference the next summer. C flew out to visit D that winter break and to meet his family. D mailed the diamond to a mutual friend and proposed to C over the phone while the friend (and eventual best man at the wedding) stood by with the ring in his pocket. When C and D got married, they had known each other for two years, and had spent precisely 30 days with each other in person. They were married for 47 years when D died. There were 300 friends and family members at the funeral.</p>

<p>If you want it to work, it can. Don’t be scared of a long-distance relationship. She will be as close to you as your Skype connection.</p>

6

<p>Long-distance relationships aren’t like the days of World War II. You can text, Skype, talk on the phone all the time. Is she returning home for good, or temporarily? Is she graduating?</p>

7

<p>Jeepers, with Skype, Instant Messaging, and sexting, I don’t even know what makes a relationship long-distance anymore. (Well, I do, but it’s way different than it was in my generation.)</p>

<p>My wife and I went to the same college and were friends, but we didn’t start dating until after I graduated and was about to go to grad school 3,000 miles away. In fact, by the time we had our First Official Date, we were already living a three-hour drive and one-hour ferry ride apart. We got married a little more than five years later, and during those five years we spent less than two years, total, living in the same place (three different places, though). This was pre-e-mail, and pre-telephone competition; we wrote lots of letters (by hand – it was pre-computer, too).</p>

<p>It wasn’t exactly easy, but it wasn’t exactly hard, either, because it didn’t take that long for both of us to sense that this was a relationship that was worth building our lives around, and that’s pretty powerful. It may be even be easier to know that for sure if the relationship can’t be about touching, and company, and sex for awhile – those things all have to be part of a long-term relationship, but they can get awfully distracting. It wasn’t all smooth and clear. We were your age, too. I couldn’t help thinking about my options, and I wasn’t 100% faithful in the early years, but in retrospect all of that was part of figuring out what was really important to me. (And I even got forgiven for it about 20 years later.) She was very uncertain what she wanted, too, although ultimately she made a bunch of choices that preserved the possibility of a relationship – like moving to where I was in school, and later going to grad school only a couple hundred miles from where I was working.</p>

<p>Anyway, the point is, if it’s Meant To Be, you’ll find a way to preserve the relationship for the short time (relative to the rest of your lives) you have to be apart. And if it’s Not Meant To Be . . . you’ll be happier if you stay on the graduation track.</p>

8

<p>I’m going to put forth the decidedly un-romantic argument and ask, what if you commit to an overseas program that you don’t really want or need, just to be with her, and then you break up?
Put your schooling first and keep your options open. The person you want to marry at 21 or 22 is not the same person you choose to marry when you’re 25 or 26.</p>

9

<p>Another true story–a young person was in love and dropped out of dental school to move to be with sweetheart. They broke up within a month. The young person has been trying unsuccessfully to get readmitted to dental school for the past two years!</p>

<p>We need to prioritize what we want and what we need and how we’re going to get it. If your relationship doesn’t withstand the rigors of distance and time, it really wasn’t meant to be. If it is meant to be, as has been posted, there are many, many ways of keeping it alive. My brother & his wife were apart more than they were together before they married–he mostly in CA & her mostly in HI. They’ve been happily married now for 22 years!</p>

<p>One more caveat (cynically)–there are a LOT of marriages/relationships with international & US students that just don’t work out for many, many reasons. Sometimes the green card may be a factor in the relationship (that’s what my hubby’s buddy whose S married an international student who desserted him when he was on his tour of duty feels happened in their marriage).</p>

10

<p>She will come back here, she’s a top student and will do her masters in law here and also practice here.</p>

<p>I think what you guys are all saying is right on, don’t get me wrong, I love her country and the opportunity would be amazing, but the fact that it throws off my graduation date by almost a year is just too much to risk.</p>

<p>I’m quite skeptical on this long distance thing so I have a hard time saying “if its meant to be it will”, but I also think that to change something like my graduation date for something that may or may not be is also a problem.</p>