<p>Run to buy this book (which if you’re broke, you can get cheap used on Amazon): Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Herb Gravitz and Julie Bowen. This book gives valuable, hard to find, practical advice for people who come from dysfunctional families of all kinds – not just families with alcoholism. This includes the kind of information about developing friendships and learning to share information with others – the kind of info that people who grew up in dysfunctional families learned at their parents’ knees. This literally used to be my Bible because I grew up in a dysfunctional family that included abuse, and there were lots of ordinary things about normal family ways of doing things that I didn’t know.</p>
<p>As for how to get adult mentors:</p>
<p>Use office hours of professors whom you like. With your first visits by talking about class, and have some real questions, comments. Don’t just drop with absolutely nothing to say about class. </p>
<p>If a connection evolves, and they aren’t busy (e.g. this isn’t before or just after midterms or just before finals – when everyone including profs are crazy busy), you can open up about your life, perhaps talking about your career interests and asking advice. </p>
<p>You can get to know the prof even better by asking them how they chose their field, what they like about it, would they advise you to go into it.</p>
<p>Typically professors who enjoy mentoring also will ask you to share info about yourself. Where are you from? What are you considering doing as a career? What’s your family like? </p>
<p>Do not immediately drop into the prof’s life tales of abuse. However, if you’re not close to your family, it’s OK to say that. For instance, “My family refused to pay for my college, so I’m putting myself through school.” “My family has some major problems, so I don’t see them very much.” Gravitz and Bowen have a "share, check share method they suggest of figuring out how much to share with someone you’re getting to know. Basically, you start off sharing a little bit, then check the person’s reaction before sharing more. If, for instance, your father was on death row for killing your mom, you wouldn’t start out giving that info, but would start off saying something like, “I’m not close to my father.”</p>
<p>I also strongly suggest that you get involved in counseling or therapy. When one comes from an abusive family, one carries some deep wounds that therapy can help enormously with. Your college counseling center is the place to start.</p>
<p>Be appreciative to people who mentor you. For instance, for profs who do things like invite you over for holiday dinners or take extra time with you, nothing could make them happier than for you to send them hand written notes of appreciation. I still have notes that students have given me. If you’re invited to dinner or something, bring an inexpensive bunch of flowers or at least send a thank-you note.</p>
<p>Don’t ask a mentor for material things. There’s a chance that this is obvious to you, but I’ve had mentees who have asked me for things ranging from my frequent flyer miles (She wanted to go to Paris!) to cars that I was getting ready to get rid of. Even if a mentor has much more money than your family, they are not your Sugar Daddy or Sugar Mommy. The most precious thing that a mentor can give you is their time and attention, so appreciate that while also being respectful of the fact that they need to lead their own lives, too, and they have their own concerns. </p>
<p>Don’t do something like call them in panic at 1 a.m. just because you’re feeling bad about a relationship or are concerned about an exam. And, I actually have had mentees who have done things like this! I didn’t appreciate it.</p>
<p>If a mentor is someone for instance whom you’ve met at church, look for ways of doing kindnesses to them, too, so your relationship isn’t a one way street. If they have young children, offer to take the kids for a few hours so that your mentor can have a break. You don’t need to take their kids to some place expensive. Just taking them to your local city park could be fun for the kids.</p>
<p>Perhaps the mentor could use some help with yard work or something similar. </p>
<p>Let the mentor know that you appreciate their kindness to you, and would like to express your appreciation by doing something nice for them.</p>
<p>And do continue to post on the Parents Forums. There are very caring peoplr here.</p>
Hugs to you.</p>
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