<p>So, I might be incohesive, because I am upset, and it’s kind of late but bear with me. I never had many friends (I tend to develop deeper friendships with fewer people) and with college ending, moving, etc. it’s just me and my best friend together, but I feel like we are losing each other. It’s everything from interests to music, and some things that we were both opposed to, my friend now completely accepts (I won’t go into too many details because of privacy). I just don’t feel like things are the same any more, and I know we are not going into the same direction at all. As much as it hurts to let go, it may be harder to hang on, because we just argue. I don’t know why I am saying all this. I am just upset. I feel very lonely right now.</p>
<p>I know how you feel. My best friend “broke up” with me this fall, in an abrupt, unexpected, and, frankly, incredibly painful manner. It sucks. 
My sympathies…</p>
<p>Yes I lost my best friend about 15 yrs ago. I see a place or hear a song and often remember what we were doing then(usually drinking beer and chasing girls). My friend was a passenger in a car struck by a drunk driver, killed instantly.</p>
<p>I broke up with my friend because she is too dependent on me, and I need some room to breath, and she thinks I am her savior which creeps me out!</p>
<p>I wish there were some kind of ceremony we could go through when a deep friendship ends. It is hard, even when you’re the one who’s ending the relationship, and it’s also very hard to explain to others the mourning that you go through when a close friendship ends.</p>
<p>I wrote an essay on the subject. Here’s an excerpt</p>
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<p>It’s hard to have perspective when you’re young. It’s the one of the biggest lessons I’d take with me if I could go back in time! If you look at the big scheme of things, it will turn out OK in the long run.</p>
<p>You’ll find you have best friends in the different phases of your life-- high school, college, work, other parents, etc. Some might stay constant throughout, but others will come and go (or just go). Some of the relationships might end via “breakups” and others more gradually, as you go your separate ways. It does stink, but there will be other friends soon enough. Really.
Hang in there!</p>
<p>what my daughter does is post on LJ suggestions for an ipod mix.
My other daughter broke with her best friends ( from elem school) when they were sophomores in high school- I was sincerely worried about it- but while I am not going to say it was for the best- because they were good friends & lovely young women- she did go on to make some other good friends who perhaps share more of her current interests</p>
<p>( my husbands best friend (that he had known much longer than he has me) was found dead in his yard about a week ago- I am glad that thread wasn’t about that!)</p>
<p>OP: You can always reach someone to talk with at 1-800-273-TALK.</p>
<p>“Maybe when your best friend breaks up with you, it is your soul that takes the blow instead.”</p>
<p>No maybe about it… The same is true when you break up with your best friend. It really is soul shattering.</p>
<p>Friendships and their survival is a complex issue. Sometimes we outgrow them. Sometimes the demands become or suddenly seem unhealthy. Good ones can go on and on through the years without daily or even regular demands. Some friendships seem to require a romantic commitment, and those cause problems, if not for the friends themselves, but for their other relationships. </p>
<p>To the OP: you and your friend are both moving on, evolving, maturing…let it happen, and both of you will thrive. Perhaps you will come back together more later, but regardless, you can remain friendly if not close friends. Good luck.</p>
<p>Acollegestudent: everything you say makes perfect sense. But that doesn’t make it any easier to bear right now.</p>
<p>Friendships have beginnings, middles, and endings. They evolve. There will be times in your life when friendships can exist for many years, for instance, from age 30-50 if you settle into a neighborhood or a job and remain there for a long time with the same people. One characteristic of the neighborhood or office community is that many of the relationships are interwoven… someone might leave to take a new job or to move to a different city, but the other people remain, so the overall “fabric” of the relationship structure is intact even though you might miss that one person very much. Sometimes you can remain in touch and keep the friendship going, and sometimes it’s just not possible.</p>
<p>College is a time of tremendous growth and autonomy. Students are on the go and pursuing changing interests and activities. Friendships can cycle rapidly in tandem with these changing interests and personal growth. True, sometimes social groups overlap and some people continue to enjoy good post-grad times with their college friends, having reunions each year for instance, but it’s also true that some lose touch with each other and move on to new circles of friends. There really is no pattern that is the same for everyone. Especially if you were best friends and did a lot of things together, with not many other friends in the mix, it is natural that you would feel a sense of deep loss when the friendship evolves to something that is not as good as before. Part of friendship is availability. That means more than whether they are free to see a movie. If your friend is no longer available to you at the emotional level you need or once shared, and you both recognize that, then the nature of that relationship has changed significantly. Sounds like it might be time to appreciate all that you shared and learned together, while accepting that things have changed. There will be more changes in the next few months as college seniors fan out to jobs and graduate schools all over the country. It’s a bittersweet time.</p>
<p>That old Girl Scout song comes to mind: “Make new friends, and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.”</p>
<p>Friendship can be painful! It’s part of the deal. And realizing that there is a change in the nature of a friendship can be painful, especially if one party wishes the relationship could continue the way it was. You sound like a wonderful, caring friend who has a great capacity for intimacy. This will serve you well in future friendships, and it is good to recognize at a relatively young age that you are inclined to develop fewer and deeper friendships rather than large numbers of aquaintances. Some people don’t know that about themselves until they are 30 or 40.</p>
<p>My daughter had a best friend from the time she was two. Their friendship survived different schools, the divorce and than the death of her father, a cross country move by the friend. My daughter, very social, had a group of friends, but always had her “best” friend. Last year we went to visit the best friend as a surprise to the friend. We all had a great time. Then we returned home…they talked daily…and then other friend started school. Nothing…didn’t respond…didn’t talk…didn’t Facebook. My stoic daughter said nothing, until yesterday. She said, casually, “I have another best friend. And it is fine.” But it has taken 4 months silence for her to talk to me. (I was very aware.) They will always remember each other…and someday be friends again because there was no disagreement. But for now…it’s over.</p>
<p>I remember being at a family party a few years ago, and my aunt (who was around 75 at the time) was telling me about a cruise she & my uncle went on.</p>
<p>“It was so much fun! We traveled with our very dear friends, we’ve known them for 25 years, and we all got along so well and had a great time!”</p>
<p>Quick math — they’ve been very dear friends since they were 50 years old.</p>
<p>It may not soften the blow right now, but life is (hopefully) a long and fruitful journey. And you’re even allowed to make friends at age 50…or later.</p>
<p>“That old Girl Scout song comes to mind: “Make new friends, and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.””</p>
<p>I used to believe in the above, but I no longer do. One can outgrow friends. I have no interest in remaining friends with people who, for instance, have had a lifelong pattern of self-destructive actions or are chronic help rejecting complainers or who constantly have put me down or walked over me.</p>
<p>Due to formerly being very shy and having very low self esteem, I used to be a magnet for the above types of people, but as I got healthier, I no longer wanted them in my life. I don’t miss them. Some longtime friends aren’t golden.</p>
<p>Good point, NSM. I guess I was thinking of the song in the sense of respecting what was good about the old friendships and carrying those things in your heart as you evolve and develop new relationships. It’s not possible to maintain friendships with everyone we’ve ever been friends with… too much maintenance even under the healthiest of circumstances. There would be no time for the new friends or even oneself. Back when the song was written, I don’t think there was much talk about boundaries. </p>
<p>I always wondered, are the new friends or the old friends considered to be the gold? Gold is many times more valuable than silver in today’s market. </p>
<p>And totally dump the gold-plated scrap metal.</p>